Eauchiche

My Alcoholic mate lives 2-1/2 hours away in my hometown. We have been separated 8 months. He has all of our animals.

I am contemplating transferring back there again, not to live with him, but to be closer to my animals, family, friends and church home. The recovery community there is also quite large, with at least one AlAnon meeting per day available.

So many of you post about trying to get away from your alky mates. I am just wondering what you all think about this possible plan. I clearly see now why it is recommended not to make any major changes (moves,etc.) for at least a year after we start recovery. I am feeling very lonely and stressed right now.

Many thanks!

Sikofit

I wish I could get away from mine without the mess and cost of a divorce.

If you want to see the animals, won't you need to be in contact with him? I'd worry about that.

Stung

I would think about it and try to figure out what your number one motivation for moving is.

If it's the animals, maybe you can foster a pet where you currently are? Maybe you can request one or two of them back from your alcoholic mate?

If you want to move back for other reasons you've listed then I think I would want to settle in for some kind of set period of time before I start thinking about communicating about arrangements or visitation (???) of your pets.

In your mind, what is the best case scenario of you moving back? What is the worst case scenario?

lillamy

Absolutely agree with Stung. It's much harder to get sucked back in when you have some geography separating you from the AX.

CAPTAINZING2000

Your family, friends and church is there right? Would you have trouble transferring back with your employer?

I'm still not quite sure what you meant about your animals being there?
Who has them?

hopeful4

I would say we need more details to know how we could help you with this.

Christopher1

Eauchiche,I've noticed when you post ,you often remind people to remember that there are more than two choices in a situation-good advice to those of us who think in extremes and I've found that helpfull. So I just wonder,is there any other way around this for you that wouldn't(potentially) put you in a difficult situation? 8 months isn't long to adjust to leaving a relationship and as you say,you have also left your support network which must make it harder for you-perhaps HE should move!

Eauchiche

Thanks everybody!!!
Part of the issue here, is that I am away from everybody, family and otherwise. People are great up here where I live, but I don't have a place of my own (renting a room- very tenuous situation). The landlord married a woman a year ago with BPD, who regularly brings strange people home to stay with them. He is also hooked on RX'd psychotrophic drugs.

I worry about my animals, who are all with my separated mate. To be honest, I also worry about my mate crashing and burning and I am 2-1/2 hours away. We own property together.

I wonder if my stress level would be less not being so far away. This doesn't mean I have to have much contact with him.

Thanks again, everyone!

Unchainedzulu

It sounds to me like your stress level would be less if you moved from where you are, but remained in the same location.

your house is your castle, a place of rest and regeneration, where you can work out the daily ins and outs in the best way for you.

by the sounds of it, moving back is not the ideal situation, you have moved away for a reason. but the space you're in isn't the right space. is there someone else you can stay with, that has a much more stable and balanced way of life, and some peace for you to reflect in?

Refiner

Is there any way to move to a place where you could also have a couple of your pets and rotate the visitation with your Alkie? How many pets and of what type are they? (My two dogs mean the WORLD to me, so I feel for you :-(

Thumper

On the face of it moving back among family and friends seems fine but in light of the bold - get very honest with yourself about what the primary motivating factor is in wanting to move back. Where are you at in your recovery journey? What is preventing you from establishing a home (connections, friends, etc.) where you are now? Why did you move where you are now in the first place? How come you can't get a place of your own where you are - would you have a place of your own in your hometown? 2.5hrs is not usually an obstacle when it comes to dealing with joint property.


^^ Just things to think about - not answer here in the thread

Eauchiche

All you guys have made points that are well taken.
My company might have an opening down there in March, and I am already stressing about whether or not to pursue it.
I freely admit that I feel like a real mess right now. Not sure what to plan. Very hard to go just one day at a time.....
My hometown has a lot of mixed memories for me. Also made the top ten list of the most drunken cities in the US in Forbes magazine.
Before my mate and I separated and I was still drinking, I used to fantasize about loading up the car and moving to another state.
Thanks again for all your support. I felt pretty good for most of these 8 months of sobriety. You are right that if I can get a different place to live here, it would afford me some objectivity about the whole thing....

sosadandhurt

Reading about your situation is really sad. The fact that you can't be where you want to be because he is an alcoholic is maddening. It is so frustrating that we, as the other party, in the relationship have to give up everything because they make life uncomfortable. Well you know what!!!! Do what makes you happy but keep your happiness in the forefront and make yourself not fall onto his merry go round. The problem with us is that we seem to fall easily back into the whole mess. If you can move back and still be you, then go for it. But, if you have any feelings of maybe falling back into the rut, then maybe wait until you feel strong enough to not do that. My ABF moved out 3 months ago and I have NOT asked him to come back. It has been hard, but, I have managed to keep my sanity. I see him on the weekends at his sisters on neutral ground, but I have become strong enough to know better than to want him back. Now, I am just waiting to become strong enough to just let it go altogether,but afraid of the drama that it will cause. Do what is best for you and what you can deal with. Best of luck.

FeliciaM

This is a difficult time for you. Your current living condition does need to change. Why did you move 2 1/2 hours away in the first place?

It may be too soon to go back to the hometown.

Volunteer at an animal shelter.

Eauchiche

I moved up here to take a job. It was originally meant to be a temporary arrangement, with me eventually transferring back where I came from. To be honest, I have some severe misgivings about going back there. Just not sure what to do....

Stung

If I said this to my sponsor she would tell me to pray about it. I would then look at her blankly and then she would tell me to meditate about it.

I'm personally more of a pros and cons list and take a poll of informed people kind of a gal.

I do agree that your living arrangements don't sound very peaceful. Maybe a move to a different home in your current town would help you feel a little more grounded in your current area.

Regarding the worry about the animals…I think my sponsor would tell me that it's a let go and let God kind of a thing. There isn't much impact you can have with your pets whether your 20 minutes away or 2.5 hours away since you're not living with them. Do you own a home together and he's living in it without you?

Sending hugs.

WMJ1012

There is still a lot of information I would need to give my opinion but so far from what I've read I've come up with this: Your own words said: "I clearly see now why it is recommended not to make any major changes (moves,etc.) for at least a year after we start recovery. I am feeling very lonely and stressed right now."

I find that usually at either the beginning or end of a persons share, a lot is revealed.