mischa1

I find if I am really angry at him it's really easy to stand up for myself. Unfortunately, after I have been away for even a few days I start to miss him, feel sorry for him, blah blah blah. It grosses me out. He is a horrible person who used and abused me until there was nothing left mentally or financially. Trauma bonds are so strong. I am going to see a therapist tonight. Hope it is helpful. Hope she is good. If not I will be onto the next one. I have great insurance and unlimited therapy visits for only $10 a visit. Thank god for that. I know I need it after this. I'm hoping she can give me something to help me either stay mad or get over it (give me tools...not a pill).

How do you stay mad or stay away or keep these stupid feelings from creeping back in????????

Stung

I have to try to stop being mad. Funny how dysfunction works, huh?

For me personally, it's not about anger, it's about realizing my own value and self worth. Anger is a negative emotion for you to experience, so holding on to it doesn't help you regardless of who you're aiming it at, it hurts you the most. Try feeling positive things about yourself instead. Just my experience.

LexieCat

Stung makes a GREAT point. It isn't about staying angry, it's about treating yourself the way you deserve to be treated.

If you had a good friend that had gone through what you've been through, would you encourage her to waste her energy being MAD? Or would you hug her and encourage her and tell her it wasn't right that she was treated that way, that NO ONE deserves to be treated that way, and encourage her to free herself from the emotional hold he has on her?

If you would do that for a friend, it's good enough for you.

Kimmieh

I read my old threads here!

barelybreathing

I am on day 5 of nc with my afb. However he was notified of court date for restraining order and promptly showed up drunk and screaming about what a w**** and a b**** I am. He kept screaming that I am just doing this to hurt him. To answer your question, I recorded his behavior on my phone partly as evidence but partly for me as well. When I feel myself missing him or being sad I re read all the nasty texts and emails he has sent me. The video of his behavior tonight will also help. This stuff reminds me that I am better off taking care of me and loving him from a distance until such a time that HE decides to get healthy and sober. Hope this helps, and remember if you are feeling sad or missing your a, reach out to someone here for support to help you through.

desypete

i would have to work on my anger the same way as i had to work on everything else,
whenever i would feel an anger rage coming on me i would have to do something about it rather then sit there and feed it or let it build up untill i exploded

i used to go out in the back room and get a hammer and hit hell out of a block of wood lol it might sound daft but boy did it work !!

i had to go out for walks rather than sit in and do nothing but worry and build things up in my head

my sponsor was such a great help to me in those early days as i would call him up in all sorts of states and he would calm me down and get my thinking on track by offering up suggestions on what i might do about things etc

looking back on my first 5 years or so and how much hard work it was trying to learn how to take things in a calm manner instead of flying off the handle for any little thing well i just wouldnt want to go back to that way of living for anything

aa meetings also helped me for letting things out of my system and getting answers for myself
just by me sharing over the table infront of them very often the answers would hit me as i would come to see what i am doing

this is how come i came to believe being an alcohilc is very much a mental illness as my thinking and how i reacted to things in life was just nuts compared to how i do things today

hence so long as i didnt pick up the first drink i would always be in with a chance of growing and thats exactly how its been for me and i am still growing as i come to see i am not mr perfect and i never will be either

SeriousKarma

I don't think your question is so much "How do I stay mad?", but "How do I keep from being suckered in?"

To that end it comes down to figuring out what you think he's giving you that you think you need. Security? Drama? Validation? Chocolate cake? It can be any number of things, but I would suggest that you try and figure out what that is, and start from there.

mischa1

I went to my new therapist tonight. I don't think we are a fit really but I'm going to see her a few more times bc I think I can learn some things about myself and reality from her. She wants me to go to as many al anon meetings as I can get to. She said that will be my saving grace. I will end my cycle of abuse there. I know you all said it but the way she said it in words helped it click. I've been meaning to go but now I will go. Sometimes you need a human in front of you. And this chick is with it. She's been working with substance abuse and marriages for 20 years. She knows what she is doing. She says al anon will help me more than she by herself ever could. She explained what a sponsor was and a little about the steps nd the last step is to sponsor someone and help them like I was helped. I get it now. Maybe we should expand on al anon for new people. I've never been in this situation and hearing what will happen was nice. Anyway. All in all a very good day.

mischa1

She also says I have not seen the last of my stbxh. She says he will be back.

legna

It isn't about staying angry at him; it's about no longer being angry at yourself. Forgive yourself.

SoloMio

Similar to this, as it happens, I have kept a journal since 1964. Of course, my life with AH is woven in--sometimes it was the only thing I wrote and sometimes it was in the background. I also recorded trips to rehab, hopes around short spurts with AA, the good, the bad, the ugly.

Sometimes I'll read some old entries, and it amazes me, the things I forgot about. Of course, we should not dwell on the past at all, and we shouldn't resent things that took place in the past, but dusting off reality is not a bad strategy sometimes.

One time I told my therapist about a little calendar I had in my purse, and I had a little code that signified when AH drank. She asked me, "why do you do that?" meaning, I'm sure, that I should just stay on my side of the street and forget the record keeping. But I did it because of how clouded my own sense of reality can get--especially when confronted with his version of the truth. Maybe because I'm a market researcher, I just like having the data, and I believed that it would serve me well when I needed it.

SeriousKarma

Wow. Got a little flash back when I read this. I used to do something similar, but I'm not a market researcher. Nothing like one. I did it because He was a binge drinker, and I was a binge reactor. When he wasn't drinking it was so easy to forget that he had been. As soon as he was fine I was fine, and would go about my life as though nothing was wrong. Half of me was in denial while the other half was screaming out that something had to give.

I would try to keep track of his drinking as a way to bring order to my thinking. It never really worked though. It was just random notes here and there. Sometimes, when I'm in a deep cleaning frenzy I find them. It's kind of pathetic. There was never any plan of action behind them. When I finally started working on a plan I didn't need the notes anymore.

SparkleKitty

Staying mad isn't really a long term strategy to keep yourself out of a toxic relationship. Anger is a hot emotion and just doesn't last.

Loving, respecting, and honoring yourself enough to believe that you don't deserve toxic people in your life is the only real long-term plan. Therapy is a great start, and adding Al-Anon in the mix is even better.

meggem

what sparklekitty said.

About 2 years before I left, I just started building a life for myself outside of him, even if it was little things. I knew I was worth more. And I was tired of his drinking and issues ruling my life. So yeah, it wasn't really about staying mad although I am still very resentful it was more removing myself from "it" as best as I could while still living under the same roof. Then after a while of that you don't really feel much of anything anymore. Which works for a while until it doesn't.

lillamy

I forget who said "the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference."
That's where you want to end up.
Not in anger and hatred, but at a point where you can say "I married a guy who turned out to be an abusive alcoholic, so I divorced him" without your stomach turning over and you feeling fear and anxiety. Indifference.

I think Al-Anon is a fabulous idea. And I unfortunately think she's right about your ex. So be safe, be prepared, and remind yourself by reading your old posts here.

mischa1

Thank you everybody. Every post was helpful. Anger is my tool right now while the butterflies are still floating around in my stomach. I love that I need to get to indifference. I married an abusive mentally ill alcoholic who used me and abused me and I divorced him. End of story. I like it. A lot. Thank you. That will be my new goal. Indifference. I will get there by working on me and treating myself and my son well.

lillamy

When I was in that stage -- and I remember it very, very clearly -- I had a coworker who would say goodbye to me at the end of each day with the words, "Stay pissed off, my friend!"

She got it. She got that at that point, the anger was what kept me from crumbling and crawl back. Anger isn't always a bad thing.

hopeful4

The anger will pass with acceptance. Someone pointed out to me yesterday that I did everything I could for my children and myself as I accepted who my XAH is, and deal with it with the least amount of drama possible.

It was like an epiphany for me to hear that because she was right. When I just accepted who my XAH was, and that he is not going to change, it brought about serious change in my life. It also allowed me to let go of anger and resentment and to move forward in my life with acceptance and as little amount of drama as possible. We have children together and until they are grown I will have to manage the situation with them as best I can, but I will take it a day at a time and I don't harbor any ill will or anger, as that is toxic to me.

I promise you will get there, I second that Alanon will be a saving grace. It's baby steps.

XXX