EmmyG

I've been on my own for seven months now. I'm financially independent. I'm working full-time, I'm going to school, I'm taking care of my boys. I've been eating right. A month ago, AH went on another crazy bender and I decided I don't want to live near him anymore because I can't depend on him and I need to be close to my family. It was a hard decision. My first grader had to start a new school and he misses his friends. I'm doing all I can to mitigate that loss. Tomorrow he's going to visit his old friends at his afterschool program and he's excited. I'm doing the best I can. I found a cute condo up here where my parents and sister live and the boys like it. We move in next weekend.
I'm paying for it all myself and I feel good about that. Work is going well. My office is going to Vegas in December, all expenses paid. It should be fun. Things are looking up. I finally found a therapist who is accepting new patients and she can see me on weekends so I have an appt. Saturday.

Lots of good change. But there is one thing wrong. I'm still hanging on to him. I haven't let go. I still have this idea that a miracle will happen. Yesterday, he didn't show up to our son's soccer game. I knew something was wrong. Sure enough, I got a bunch of belligerent texts last night. He went out drinking. This is after he gave a speech last week about how he's been seeing a therapist for 3 weeks and it's time for change and he's doing it for all of us.

I know the truth. I know he's 99% likely to not change. I know that I could someday meet someone else and be happy. I know that I can't live with him.

Yet, it's so hard for me to leave him alone. It's hard for me to imagine him drinking alone and being a miserable person. I still have empathy. Why? I know I can't control it. But I want him to be a good dad so badly. Why is it so hard to see reality? I haven't lived with him in months! We aren't a couple! We're not having a third child, ever. He's not going to get a lobotomy and become what I need. So why can't I get that? I'm a logical person. People like me. I get along with everybody. He is mean to me and hurtful. He is self loathing. He doesn't deserve my kindness. When will I stop giving it?

9111111

Does kindness need to be "earned" or does every person in this world deserve kindness?
If you go with the latter, I don't think there's anything "wrong" with being kind to your ex. Kindness comes in many shapes and shades, it can mean to wish someone well from a distance without taking a front row seat on their crazy train.

Santa

First of all, major congratulations on how far you've come. You are doing right by yourself and your boys. That's huge!

I think its ok to feel sorry in a general sense, from a distance, for your AH and the mess he has made of his life. If you can feel that rather than simply blind anger at this stage, I admire you - it took me years to get to that point. The empathy ends where you and your kids gets sucked back into any of his drama. I hope you ignored the texts.

FeelingGreat

Emmy can I tell you how awesome I think you are? You Are Awesome.

On the reason you posted, maybe you can separate yourself, but with compassion? It's one thing to feel sorry for someone, but you haven't hitched your train to it. Maybe you're grieving for the man he used to be, as part of growing more distant and detaching?

Fandy

Truthfully, it took me almost 10 years to get to the forgiveness point, because he made it so hard to live like a normal person and enjoy life, there was CONSTANT turmoil and upset, dragging his feet on the divorce and fighting me tooth and nail over garbage.

(this man took the phone the day the movers came...back before cell phones.)

Your husband soon to be x, made his choices and he may decide to change, but only he has that power. Your putting good distance by moving removed the captive audience, he might realize that he has lost so much, but he still attacks you by text. Good that you are in a supportive environment with family.
But his downward spiral is evident, my X-still brought up circumstances from 20 years ago....sadly he never recovered and he died in bed of alcohol related cardiac problems, 54 years old and living with his mother, leaving a total mess for our adult child.

readerbaby71

Because you're human. You loved him and he is the father of your children. Try not to think about the "whys" of you feeling this way. Just have compassion and keep letting go. You're doing great!

LexieCat

Ditto, you are doing GREAT. I don't see that there is anything wrong with having compassion for the alcoholic. Hate is harmful to YOU, and total indifference isn't necessarily a good thing for your kids. You want them to feel compassion for him, don't you? Not heartbroken, but to feel that he is a sick man, not a bad man.

I agree with the others here who suggested that you just continue to work on the detachment. It's a process, not something that happens once and for all.

Good job building a healthier life for yourself and the kiddos!!

EmmyG

Thanks, all of you.

I am naturally compassionate person and I'm loyal. I want AH to be happy, and it physically hurts to see him so miserable. I texted him this morning and just told him that I can't believe he missed our son's soccer game to drink and that I am not feeling much hope anymore. He just wrote back "I'm sorry." I know he hates himself and that is why I feel empathy for him. I guess I'm just wanting to be in a place where I can still be kind to him, but also moved on emotionally. So that I don't have to feel the way I do every day. His unhappiness is still very much a part of me.

9111111

When we take on their unhappiness, then share "our" unhappiness with them and they understand "us", we finally but mistakenly feel acknowledged and heard.

hopeful4

Honey, you have made such HUGE strides it is absolutely amazing. Don't discredit yourself!

Of course you still have empathy, that is who you are, and this is a good thing. It's not ok to obsess of course, but it is ok to say, "I hope he gets help and makes changes in his life." He is the father of your children, you want him to be well. That is all super OK.

Just don't let that get in the way of what you are doing in your own life. Time heals a lot of things, and in the grand scheme of things, seven months is not a long time. Sooo...give yourself a break and be proud of all you have accomplished and the amazing changes you are making!

Fandy

He doesn't "hate himself" enough to stop drinking and choosing to drink over seeing his kids. he made that choice for whatever reason in his pointy little head.

THAT is sad, have compassion for your children, and yourself it is hard to be both mother and father.

AnvilheadII

texted him this morning and just told him that I can't believe he missed our son's soccer game to drink and that I am not feeling much hope anymore. He just wrote back "I'm sorry." I know he hates himself and that is why I feel empathy for him.

i'm going to suggest that the above ^^^ is not a display of empathy....it's a display of shaming - How COULD you? I'm really disappointed in you. You don't know WHAT he feels or thinks, but you attempted to make sure he felt like crap.

is it possible you like it when he grovels just a bit? when he sounds sorry? when YOU think HE must be miserable? like.....payback or something?

empathy, true empathy will come when you accept him exactly as he is, and quit waiting or expecting him to turn into someone else, or even be a GOOD DAD by your description. and quit feeling let down when he does not transform. i ain't saying that's the EASY part, but it's the part that will truly release you..........

lillamy

I just had a two-hour talk with another survivor of an alcoholic family, who summed our conversation up by saying, "my rational brain gets it, but my emotional brain is just being such an a-hole!"

I think that's it. Basically. Emotions are ornery critters who don't seem to obey orders real well. What has helped me was to realize that I can have any feelings I want. They don't mean a thing. They don't mean I have to act in any particular way, and they sure don't mean I'm always going to have those feelings. They'll go away. Just don't give them any sway over your decisions.

SallyTaylor

Emotions are ornery critters who don't seem to obey orders real well.

Love this!!!!!

Soberintexas007

Hi Emmy,
Your post really hit close to home for me. And I believe we are very similar people. Many people on these boards are shocked that I am still with a husband who can become belligerent when he drinks, and even sometimes when he is missing the drink. Everyone says that I deserve better, and I know this. They ask me what am I getting out of this relationship. Well, I get companionship one one level when he is not belligerent. But I think it is my deep empathy that also is a factor. I feel sorry for him, and I know deep down that he does not like being that way when he is, and I also know that it would be so devastating for him to lose me. It would depress me to think of him drinking alone, not getting his medical care, and basically killing himself. People may say that I am protecting him at the expense of myself. Well, maybe I am. Maybe I am just too empathetic and loyal, and that is just how it is. By the way, my empathy has nothing to do with children, as we have none and don't plan on it. But I will say one thing. If he ever physically hit me, that would be it. I do have that boundary, as I would lose all empathy for a man that hit me.

LadyinBC

Just my thoughts, but you could be grieving. We all do when we lose something and can't believe it is really gone and part of us wants it back, but we know we can't have it back. Yes it is bad for us, but in a way, it is something we are familiar with and it is scary to let it go. I felt that way about my booze. I went thru different stages in order to give it up and other ones when I finally gave it up.

Personally I think what you are feeling is normal, you just need to recognize the stages, feel them, deal with them emotionally and then move on. I think you are doing this, look at how much you have accomplished.