Paci

It’s a long story but I was married 11 years and divorced to protect my assets. My xAH and I are very close emotionally and I love him completely.He is struggling emotionally and is suicidal, has tried a couple times, both when we were living apart, the most recently just yesterday.He wants to come home and although I want the relationship, I had thought he should get on his feet, show he could be an active member of AA, and we could then come together on a healthy foundation.But he seems to always relapse.His family told me to go no contact while he had been living with his mom over the last 6 months, as he was so destructive and insane, drinking and using, and suicidal.It completely breaks my heart, as the underlying substance abuse is a psychological break down and there is no cure.I don’t want all the drama, fear, and insanity but I love him and wonder if I should try again, if it can help that he can come home again.Another chance.He’s gone through every kind of inpatient and outpatient therapy for drugs, alcohol, and depression over the last 12 years (and more) and it always helps short term.So I imagine the same coming back here but how can I turn my back on someone who is broken?I am committed to Al-anon for the first time after coming/going for years.I believe it is the way.But I don’t want to lose him in life or in death.He is calling me crying and I’m sure drunk or out of his mind one way or another and I’m really scared.I love him but fear having him back but want all the good things we shared.He’s now broken down from a car mishap while traveling to get away to a quitter place to find peace.He’s in a bad place and I’m so afraid-he begged to come home and I said I was trying to find an answer and he hung up on me twice.I’m trying to be rationale and make this right but he’s going off the dead end and I’m so scared. . .not sure where he is and if he’ll be okay.

Eauchiche

I am SO sorry you are going through this...
I try to remember that we always have more than just two choices in life. Perhaps you should consider another residential care facility for him? I know you have tried several others.
Do you think he does better at home with you, generally? Would you be safe psychologically and physically?

Paci

He is very attached to me and we are very close. He does well here but always goes back to drinking or drugging when I'm at work, at night, or whenever for however long. And it gets really bad. I want some kind of half way house where he'll be accountable. I'm just not strong-I can't be in the face of the evil he brings. I love him but it hasn't worked before. And I live in fear every minute wondering if he's using again and what he'll say or do to scare the life out of me. I'm just not strong. Thank you for your concern.

53500

Paci, this is frightening. Please don't take him back in your house, it sounds like his habits and problems are way more than you can or should handle. He needs professional help. Take care of yourself.

lillamy

Listen -- I know this sounds harsh, but basically, you're talking about being his babysitter. I'm not in your shoes, but I can imagine that the sense of responsibility you seem to be feeling for him now would only get worse if he was living with you. How can you focus on work, life, anything, if every time you leave the house without him, you worry about "is he going to drink? is he going to use?" It's like having an infant in the house, only one who can walk out the door, get in the car, and score some drugs or booze. That's not a partner, that's... a life sentence, if you choose to take it on.

He won't get better until he wants to. No matter how much you feel you love him, I think the question I would have to ask myself is -- do I want to spend my life saving him over and over and over again?

You say "he seems to always relapse." Remember, a relapse isn't something that happens to an addict. It's something they choose.

He is making his choices. You have to make yours. I think Al-Anon is a supremely great idea. I know it was -- and still is -- for me.

LexieCat

I'm with lillamy on this. Having him in your home would be far worse, I think, for your emotional well-being. And having him at home hasn't done him any good, either.

Unless and until he decides he is ready to be done with the drinking/drugging, this is what you can expect from him. Over and over and over again.

The suicide attempts are scary, too. You can't save him from himself. You can't stop him from drinking/drugging, and you can't stop him from killing himself if that's what he decides to do. For you to bring him home would be to chain yourself to an anchor. Where would YOU go for peace?

NYCDoglvr

I hope you don't entertain the idea that things would improve if he moved home. I suggest Alanon, which taught me that I am completely powerless over other people. The only person I can change is myself.

Christopher1

[QUOTE=lillamy;5006599]Listen -- I know this sounds harsh, but basically, you're talking about being his babysitter. I'm not in your shoes, but I can imagine that the sense of responsibility you seem to be feeling for him now would only get worse if he was living with you. How can you focus on work, life, anything, if every time you leave the house without him, you worry about "is he going to drink? is he going to use?" It's like having an infant in the house, only one who can walk out the door, get in the car, and score some drugs or booze. That's not a partner, that's... a life sentence, if you choose to take it on.[QUOTE]

Paci,please don't do that: it's commendable that you care so much for him but it wouldn't take long before your entire life would be overtaken by fear-it wouldn't be right for you to live like that;it is frightening to me that you don't seem to be thinking of the damage it would cause to you-

Paci

Things are really bad. A lot was said tonight-he's still in Indiana and I called the police to check on him, as he threatened his life and had been using something and wasn't in his right mind. So I panicked and then got his misery, hatred, and vengeance. And as much as his heart is broken, mine is, too. From his perspective, he wants to come home period. I want some time to see his commitment to sobriety and good habits. I wanted the dream with him. I miss my sweat heart and he said some really nasty things that will never go away. I didn't want to hurt him-I wanted us. I just need time to trust. And he's off the deep end and I couldn't be more heartbroken. I worry about him. I never wanted an end. It hurts deeply and yet all I asked to consider was a sober house to continue the relationship and he went on a rampage that I'm selfish and a demon. He can be the sweetest most loving-everything I loved and cared for and he can be the nastiest, manipulative, hurtful. I want him back-his sweet innocent side. And I don't know how to mend the relationship anymore.

LexieCat

It isn't in your power to mend it--you didn't break it. The disease broke it.

You have a right, and an obligation to yourself, to live a life free of fear. You can't protect him and you can't control him.

Do you go to Al-Anon? If not, I strongly suggest it. If so, you might want to increase the number of meetings and your work on your own program. You owe it to yourself.

atalose

Yes, head to as many al-anon meetings that you can fit in. I'd also suggest seeking out therapy for yourself.

We can't love our addicts healthy.

we can't become hostages to their ill thinking. All we can do is get ourselves strong and on a healthy foundation.

Doesn't sound like he's ready to give it up it just sounds like he's trying to pull you over to his side of the fence.

Paci

Your support makes me stronger, although I cried reading it. You are right on everything and I'm so thankful for your wisdom. I have a commitment to Al-anon for the first time-I always thought I didn't have time or could use the meeting as the guidance for the week ahead but I never changed and the years went by, each like the last. I am okay today. Your support has been a life line to me.

lillamy

It is difficult and heartbreaking to love someone more than they love themselves. It is difficult and heartbreaking to realize that there is nothing you can do if they don't want to help themselves.

But what you can do is take care of you. And I'm so glad you're doing it.

Refiner

Hi, Paci, I'm sorry about the situation you're in with your xAH. I don't think I saw anything about him being in a recovery program currently? But you are suggesting a Halfway House? Another poster said something about you would be a baby sitter for him if he moved back home. Unless he's committed to a recovery program, a Halfway House would kind of be the same thing. I saw a documentary on John Bulushi the other day and he actually hired an ex-secret service bodyguard guy to save him from himself. The guy was good. Would get Bulushi out of the drinking/drugging situations to keep him on his path to sobriety. After about a year and a half of no drinking/drugging, the bodyguard guy said he was going to move on. Bulushi begged him to stay and said he'd pay him as much as he wanted. The bodyguard guy said no... his time was done and there was no more he could do for Belushi... that he was now on the straight and narrow. As soon as the bodyguard guy was gone, an enabler of Belushi's came by with some coke and BAM, it was all over and he was back to massive drinking/drugging. I think he od'd within months from that. Unless your xAH is committed to recovery on his own time in HIS OWN SPACE, nothing will get him back to that sweet, lovable guy you once knew.

FeliciaM

Paci, What you are feeling resonates with me regarding my XA. Mine went on a bender and is still self destructing. He told me he wishes he were dead. Well, what am I supposed to do with that?!!

At first I felt a responsibility to him because I loved him. I can not save him from himself. I've been working it out in Al-anon and here. It's been very difficult and emotionally draining. I do have other things in life to focus on so my obsessive thinking of him has decreased. Yey!

Not knowing is the worst part.

Please go to as many Al-anon meetings per week as you can. At my second meeting I purchased one of the books. The daily readings help keep my head and heart in the right places.

You are strong! You can detach with love. The dreams you shared were just that. Dreams. I was and still am heartbroken. Know you are not alone. Take care of yourself.

Bullfrog

I have struggled with these exact emotions. Pity and compassion are kind of addictions for me, as odd as that sounds. It's heartbreaking to love someone and see addiction and mental illness taking them. I have to keep reminding myself that he is an ADULT, though a very broken one. I cannot allow myself, or my children, to go down with that ship anymore.

netta1966

Paci, almost everything you mentioned in your post is so familiar. I understand how your heart is broken and you worry. I would encourage Al-Anon because it has helped me so much. I'm sorry and I wish the best for you. Remember, you have to do what's good for you and your children. As much as we want our loved one to quit drinking and druggin, it's going to be on their timeline, not ours. God bless you.

FeelingGreat

Paci, from your description, it sounds like he's never grown up. His behaviour is very child-like. He wants to come home, period, and that's all he is willing to focus on, certainly not his recovery. Children do have that one-eyed focus on what they want.

When he doesn't get what he wants, immediate permission to come home, he has a tantrum, calling you names and acting out. This won't change if he comes to live with you and it might even get worse because he's seen what a tantrum can do. Sometimes I think substance abuse freezes the addicts brain in permanent childhood.

Then he has a sweet adorable side, which you love. But he is capable of turning as soon as he is denied immediate gratification.

I know how anxious you must feel about him, but as Lexie has pointed out, his choices must be his own.

Paci

I think of the Bulushi story and how I tried to be that. I made phone calls to his boss/family/hotline/rehab for help, brought/visited him at the ER/hospital, paid for medical care/rehab/RXs, supported him through his sick days and unemployment, cleaned up after him, supported him, tried and tried again to do whatever I had to. And I would still if it weren't for the fear-the out of your mind, scary, hurtful, insane, dysfunctional things he does and says. You are right, FeelingGreat, even those I called on the help lines have said as much-he is manipulating me when he is desperate. I'm so sad for him-I haven't heard from him since his latest plea to "come home" and it broke my heart to pieces. I hope he is in rehab and worry he have disappeared or died but still praying for something good. for him.