Emotionally and physically raw
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 43
Emotionally and physically raw
I am new to this site. I have been with my abf for 1 1/2 years. I moved in with him after just 2 months as he found out some devastating news and threw away his sobriety. He was drinking 1/2 gallon of vodka every 2 days and contemplating suicide. I didn't leave his side for 10 days while he cried, drank and passed out. This went on for months and he almost lost his job due to absenteeism. He finally found the strength to pull himself together to start going back to work and even started seeing an addiction counselor, but that only lasted a couple of weeks. Here I am 1 1/2 years later, he is still drinking 1/2 gallon of vodka every 3 days, he suffers from depression but no longer contemplates suicide. He takes anti depression pills but washes them down with vodka. He has cheated on me numerous times, physically abused me as well as verbally and emotionally. He lies constantly, lies before he would even think about telling the truth. I have tried to leave so many times, but he always pulls me back in with his promises to get help, which never happens. I have finally left him for the last time, this is the 4th time I have had to change my number. I have filed a restraining order because he told me he will never leave me alone. I have been in nc for 4 days and it is so hard. After everything I still love this man! I have been in counseling for the abuse and attending alanon for 5 months and I am slowly getting better....very slowly. I am struggling this morning as I am consumed with the thoughts that I gave up on him too soon. Did I abandon him? I know that he has to want to get sober and I do not think he wants that. But it breaks my heart to know that he is alone, hurting and drinking. Anyone out there ever feel like this?
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Big hugs to you. Sorry for what brought you here, but glad you found us.
After I left my abusive alcoholic ex I did still have some residual guilt about leaving him on his own, but that stemmed from my false belief that he is helpless without me, which was me being egotistical. I didn't abandon him; I made a boundary. "I will not live in a home with active alcoholism." Sounds like you did the same. My ex chose alcohol, I chose safety and sanity and peace. So did you. That was the right choice.
He is an adult, like your ex, and despite the sob stories he tried to give me, my ex had the presence of mind to secure himself new enablers in a hurry. First his parents, then when they got fed up he moved in with his uncle's widow. Not sure exactly what the nature of their relationship is, but she is doing everything for him while he continues drinking himself into an early grave.
He is a grown man and addicts are very resourceful about making sure they get their needs met.
Good call on the Alanon meetings. I've been in for just over a year and it has helped me tremendously. Stay strong on the nc. If you feel like slipping and breaking nc, call an Alanon friend or post here instead. Someone will be here, whatever time of the day or night.
After I left my abusive alcoholic ex I did still have some residual guilt about leaving him on his own, but that stemmed from my false belief that he is helpless without me, which was me being egotistical. I didn't abandon him; I made a boundary. "I will not live in a home with active alcoholism." Sounds like you did the same. My ex chose alcohol, I chose safety and sanity and peace. So did you. That was the right choice.
He is an adult, like your ex, and despite the sob stories he tried to give me, my ex had the presence of mind to secure himself new enablers in a hurry. First his parents, then when they got fed up he moved in with his uncle's widow. Not sure exactly what the nature of their relationship is, but she is doing everything for him while he continues drinking himself into an early grave.
He is a grown man and addicts are very resourceful about making sure they get their needs met.
Good call on the Alanon meetings. I've been in for just over a year and it has helped me tremendously. Stay strong on the nc. If you feel like slipping and breaking nc, call an Alanon friend or post here instead. Someone will be here, whatever time of the day or night.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: VA
Posts: 142
Wow, I could have written you post, minus the physical abuse. I left 2 months ago. The first 6 weeks were awful. I cried all the time & was very depressed. But I am in counseling & working hard on myself. In the last couple of weeks I have felt much better. I am actually relieved & happy. You have to work through the grieving process. It does get better. A lot better. I do martial arts, which has been like therapy for me. There is a light at the end of the tunnel!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 43
Thank you both for your responses. I am sure that he has already found another woman to enable his behavior. His son reached out to me on facebook and said that he can't get a hold of his dad and wanted to know if we were still together, I have not responded yet. Not sure I want to. His family had an intervention a couple of years ago and since he didn't want to get help, they have all but given up on him. I am doing a little better this evening. I have been grieving the loss of this relationship even though it was definitely one sided (on my part only). Sometimes it's hard to even get myself out of bed, but I am trying and that's what's important right?
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