Flavia2

Anyone who has been in this situation- how did things turn out? Did you file? What are you doing?

We haven't lived together for 5 months but Legal Separation is not recognized in my state. I want to protect myself and the kids from AH's craziness.

He's stopped drinking (again & just about 1 or 2 weeks)- this time a legitimate effort with AA attendance and a sponsor and a couple of different therapists. Of course, this "realization" that he needs to fix his drinking problem was brought on by more legal troubles and almost certain job loss when his employer finds out.

I feel like have to file even though separation would be my first choice. I don't want to be divorced but there is no other way to protect myself and the kids (financially). My lawyer said I will likely get no support from AH as the court will see he is unemployed (Anticipated 1st quarter next year).

Please- any advice and all support greatly appreciated.

SeriousKarma

Have you consulted a lawyer yet? That would probably be the smartest thing to do. Every situation is going to be different, with different variables and timelines.

My lawyer was very helpful in telling me when I needed to file based on my husbands military retirement. There was some specific timing involved. You may have specifics as well that need to be addresses by someone in the know.

Flavia2

Thanks, Karma. I did consult the attorney- no reason to wait according to him. Been married long enough to qualify for any retirement benefit.

Are you glad you finally filed? I don't know what this feeling of not being ready is about. I cannot legally separate- divorce is the only way in my state. State recognizes legally married, single or divorced.

AnvilheadII

perhaps look a bit deeper into what DIVORCE means to you....?

if I divorce, then I am............
if I divorce, then he will.........
If I divorce, that means that I......

biminiblue

When I got divorced, I just wanted out for financial and emotional reasons.

I was stuck as long as I was stuck to him.

There was a bit of a feeling of failure, but I didn't think there was anything else I could do and I knew it was the best thing.

I didn't have a job, and no family that could help me. I had about $2,000. He was going downhill. I was not willing to go along on his legal/financial ride. Why dig a deeper hole?

It all worked out. I see no benefit to holding on. We could have remarried if suddenly everything changed. It never did, and I went on my peaceful way.

SeriousKarma

Absolutely!

If wishes were dollar bills I'd be a very rich woman. I have no lack of love for the man in my wedding photos , but who I thought he was, who I wanted him to be, who he could be if he wrestled his demons, whatever.... It wasn't reality. Still, I kept on expecting him to make things better for me. Unfortunately, one of the hallmarks of addiction is selfishness. He was never going to put me first.

When I tell people that I filed I take a lot of pride in the fact that I filed. Not in a sticking-tongue-out-neener-neener kind of way. I wasn't trying to one-up him. It's just that it's the first, real, tangible thing that I can point to as the beginning of a new life for me, free of delusions. Both his and mine.

It's me taking charge of my life.

Flavia2

The two things on that list that bother me are the "then he will" and "that means that I". (Answers: he"ll be done with me and it means that I failed). The first- not so much. It won't change who I am.

Part of the problem with us ever getting back together is that I'm really used to being alone. It annoys me to share space with him.

However, (and I can't believe I'm saying this) maybe this is the time he will really stay sober????

Santa

Separation is legal in my state. That's the route we went at first - although my lawyer said just divorce him, you have no reason to stay married. I had this idea that telling the kids we are separated, not divorced, would make it easier on them. It didn't. I paid for the whole thing. Then I paid again 2 years later when I divorced him. Just get the divorce is my advice.

LexieCat

So it sounds like the lawyer advised you that there is no reason to wait. Have you asked whether there is anything you can do to protect your finances if you choose to wait? Regardless of whether your state recognizes legal separation, I believe that fathers ALWAYS are obligated to support their children, regardless of their marital status. You could be a single mom, a separated mom, or a divorced mom, and he would be obligated to support the kids. In addition, there may be strategies that would protect the finances in the meantime. If your HUSBAND does not want to divorce, maybe you could present these options as a condition of your waiting (e.g., getting separate bank accounts, getting your name off any credit cards, etc.).

If you want to move ahead and file, that might be the simplest way to proceed. I'm just throwing this out there as an option if you would prefer to wait a bit longer.

hopeful4

I filed for divorce. I cannot tell you the relief I feel at being divorced. My XAH just lost his job. The relief at no longer being tied to the craziness of that life is huge for me.

I put a lot of protections and anti drinking language in my divorce decree. Keep in mind, it does not happen overnight. Once you file, depending on where you live, it can take a while. It took me about 3.5 months for it to be final and signed off on. That is b/c I had to switch judges b/c I have so many stipulations in my divorce decree and parenting plan for the protection of my children that my attorney did not think my alcoholic original judge would agree to sign off on all of those things, even though we had both agreed on them (my X and I).

I encourage you to listen closely to your attorney and your brain. Protect your children. Make every single decision based on what will be the best for the wellbeing of your kids.

lillamy

In what way did you fail?

No, I'm not being snarky. I'm suggesting you think about in what way you think you have failed because he is choosing to drink. From the outside, it seems that he would be the one who has failed to keep up his end of the marriage contract -- but I know first-hand it doesn't feel like that from the inside. But for me, getting to a point where I knew in my head and heart that his drinking was not my fault, I felt free.