Rachinator

Christopher- 1. big hugs 2. you don't deserve that no one does 3. you don't know how badly she will escalate it. This may save your life. 4.don't be ashamed you don't need that crazy in your life. 5. I hope you run away from this 6. I hope you press charges 7.Good luck, I hope you can get away and find a healthy relationship.

amy55

Of course it confusing Chris. I remember my wedding day, (well actually the second one. Got married by Justice of Peace first because I got the jurisdictions mixed up), he said so many off the wall things to me. I left my reception (had rented a beach house, it was informal), down the Jersey shore. I walked to the boardwalk and started crying. An elderly gentlemen came over to me and asked me what was wrong. I said I got married today, and I want a divorce.

I was still there for another 25 years.

(((((((((((hugs)))))))))
amy

LexieCat

I think once you get strong enough to start TELLING people what's going on (though it's important to realize, as you saw here, that not everyone will respond in a supportive way), it can be a big relief. Often the secrecy and the shame can be almost as demoralizing as the abuse itself.

It takes great courage to tell someone what's been happening. And it helps a lot to know that even if you get a less-than-supportive response you have people who DO "get it" and will serve as your reality-check.

Let me add, Christopher, that I too think your progress in this short time is pretty amazing. Just know that the path of recovery (from abuse or anything else) isn't without its ups and downs--sometimes if feels like three steps forward, then two steps back. Sometimes it's even FOUR steps back. But if you refuse to give up on yourself you will eventually turn and look at how far you have come and be amazed.

Christopher1

This is something I really need to get off my chest and it's something that I touched on in my first post here.I have said some awful things to her-out of fear,frustration,anger,despair but nevertheless I have said things that I don't feel are excusable-sometimes (and I'm trying to be brutally honest with myself here) they were designed to hurt-I meant to wound her with my words because I was hurting so much.
I have said some of this to her,and apologised for my part in this.SO, how to deal with/work on that? I feel in my heart that I have no more right to hurt her than she does me.
While her behaviour has often been appalling and impossible ,this is more about how I feel about me.

LexieCat

There is a place in Al-Anon for working through wrongs you have done to others. The next steps involve making amends, which is sometimes not possible if doing so would put you in danger. In that case, the amends might be indirect--working on finding other, more constructive ways of dealing with your anger so you don't unleash it on someone else.

That's kind of getting ahead of where you are, though. This isn't something that needs to be addressed right now. I would suggest you focus on (a) getting into a safe situation, (b) getting any help/counseling you might need to recover from the harm done to you, (c) finding an Al-Anon group and a sponsor who can help you work the Steps. The Steps can be wonderfully healing, but you may need to use care in choosing a sponsor who will be helpful when it comes to issues around the abuse.

amy55

I've done the same. I also apologized. I did it for the same reason that you did. You apologized. Are you still repeating the same behavior? I see it as you made your amends, now you have to forgive yourself and let that go. You can't do more then that. Forgive yourself and let that pass through you. You had anger in you, you let it go, lost control. Apologized, now forgive yourself.


Chris, stop torturing yourself, I've done that to myself also. People do lose their tempers, just ask a red head. I've lost my temper many times.

Sometimes you need to remember why you lost your temper. Were you in a situation that there was no way you can control her words or her actions. I call that survival.

When we get there the primal part of our brain takes over. We are fearful, we don't know what to do. Words come out. You apologized for that, now let it go.

(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy

Christopher1

Sorry,I'm wearing myself out with this also.No,I have been doing my best not to-writing and burning letters as my counsellor suggested has been a great help-probably need to do some more! Thanks Amy,think everyone needs to have a nice weekend now!

amy55

Chris, if it bothers you keep talking about it. Don't bury it inside of you. I am listening.

See that's what we do sometimes. There are things bothering us, and we hide it, but it festers there like an infection. Then it spreads.

I know there are many ways of getting the toxin out of us, if yours is to talk about it, well, I'm here listening.

(((((hugs))))))

amy

NWGRITS

Christopher, this is called a family disease for a reason. We all become sick with the alcoholic and do the dance. Some people's feet start to hurt and they stop dancing earlier than others. Some can dance forever and will go down with the A. Don't beat yourself up over something that is just part of the disease we carry. As was already mentioned, There's a Step for That, and you can't get there successfully without starting at Step 1 and working your way up. I'm on Step 4 and have been there for a while. Not even close to making my amends, and that's okay. Recovery is a case of slow and steady winning the race. Just keep looking towards the life you want and deserve, and you'll get there eventually.

In re: sharing with others and getting backlash... I do not envy you the job of being a man who reveals abuse at the hands of a woman. Or society is so lopsided when it comes to the treatment of cases of abused men. It's treated as almost comical, or though you are less of a man because you "let" a woman beat you. It is no less serious because you are not the one swinging your fists. This might be one of those times when you find out who really is on your corner and supports you unconditionally. But don't keep it secret just because people might laugh or not take you seriously. Every man who keeps silent about his abuse is just tipping the scales even further. I'm not saying to go shouting it from the rooftops or taking out an ad in the paper, but awareness comes when people speak up. If more men would come forward about being abused, we might be able to change the thinking about abusive relationships.

Christopher1

That Amy, is just awful.I'm glad you're free.

Christopher1

Don't know whether it's just tiredness or stress but I'm getting wound up and worried imagining all kinds of scenarios if I were to tell my partner that I want to end things or have some "time out".What bothers me is that people she knows(those who supply her) are not the kind of people I would like to be on the wrong side of:her cousin,for example is a heroin user-she tells me he "looks out for her" and I know from what she has told me he doesn't think twice about "dealing" with people.
How did I get myself into this; I have a profession,my sisters and their spouses are professional people whom I can't imagine being in my situation ever-they just wouldn't and I can't tell them.
I went to see her(I know) -she was sober and calm as using cannabis but her cousin called when I was there with some more;usually he just mutters at the door and is gone but I heard him ask her if she was alright and was she happy-seemed odd to me .Now I'm getting paranoid thinking what (if anything) has she said to him.
When she attacked me last week,I was on the phone to the out of hours GP service -the call handler heard her shouting at me,she attacked me -I don't know what they heard as I dropped the phone,then the police turned up. They cautioned her and logged a report.
Now I'm thinking,can I ask for a copy of this to show him or get copies of reports from previous times they have attended to make it clear to her cousin who has been the offender. Think I'm properly losing it: I want out but haven't got there yet.

redatlanta

Christopher do you live with your partner?

I think sometimes we think too much. I get the stressful situation. I think a deep breath and a decent night sleep and take a look at it in the morning. I don't think trying to prove to the cousin who did what is the best idea.

How emeshed are you in each others lives? Work together? Small town?

Christopher1

No we don't live together and I do think I'm losing it.
Will take your advice about trying to get some sleep(it's really late here which is probably not helping ) and perhaps I'll be a little more sane in the morning-I am overtired(exhausted in fact).Sorry RA.

amy55

Chris, I'm glad that you are talking to us. I don't know how you were able to deal with things before finally starting to let it out. I do agree with Redatlanta. It would serve no purpose in getting documentation for her cousin, it would put you more at risk.

Thank you for telling us that, we might be able to more gear our responses to ensure your safety.