LexieCat

I've let the moderators know about your request, Christopher.

happybeingme

Christopher,

You have done nothing wrong. At all! Some people just get passionate about certain subjects but you should never fear reaching out because of it. Take what you need and let the moderators deal with the rest

hopeful4

Seriously?? I hope you are never abused to the point of having someone punch you in the face. God is there for you, yes. However, abuse is a crime no matter what you gender is. It is a shame that you are actually telling a domestic violence survivor to keep it between himself and God. You should be ashamed.

I don't very often say things like this, but I am just in awe that you would have the nerve to basically encourage someone not to stay safe and report a crime (ABUSE) against them.

Christopher, I agree you have found a good place in SR. I hope you use the ignore feature as this poster has struck a chord with you, as they have with many of us. You can ignore anyone who you don't want to see anything from or about, it's a great thing. Please stay safe and keep coming back. You need support and that is what SR is here to do!

I won't have anything else to say on this thread, but I just cannot sit back on a forum I care so much about and let this one slide.

FireSprite

Chris, please don't let one poster ruin all the good support you have received in this thread. Definitely use your ignore feature if it makes it easier on you, but please don't stop posting over this. (And FORGET the guilt, you have done NOTHING to feel guilty over.)

I think you're hitting a really big turning point in your life right now & I know there are a lot of voices here at SR that can & will help support you by sharing their own experiences.

Morning Glory

Christopher. I would like to see your thread left open.
I blocked one member from the thread in hopes that you will continue to stay for support.

If you still want the thread closed please send me a PM, but I would like to see it stay open.

LadyinBC

I have to agree with the others Christopher, please stay and please leave it open. This is a very important subject and it will help others as well. You will find tons of support here, this is a great group of peeps who have so much to offer.

Eauchiche

Hey Christopher!
I have found that sometimes there are people in these programs or forums who use them as a venue to try controlling tactics with other people. I went through two AlAnon groups before I landed in my home group for that very reason.
No need at all for you to feel guilty or responsible for a few unfortunate posts from others. Hang in there with us!!!

NWGRITS

Christopher, sharing experiences is how we help each other. Hearing the stories of those who have gone before us can help us grow. Please do not discount what this thread has done for you or for that person who is still too scared to even sign in here other than as Guest. Our Experience, Strength, and Hope is what gets us through the day, and it can save lives. Truly. Don't let one person who obviously has zero idea what they're talking about ruin an otherwise fantastic thread. (((HUGS)))

irisgardens

Christopher...you have shown great courage in posting and I am following this thread because of your courage to tell and ask...please keep coming...

Christopher1

I'm sorry-I most certainly didn't mean that I don't appreciate the response and sharing from people here-some of the shares have been heartrending in their honesty.This HAS made a difference-it has opened my eyes to the reality of my life and helped me to see that I do have a right to a life that doesn't feel full of fear ,and one that hasn't been reduced to the size of a postage stamp: what I'm trying to say is that l now see that my feelings are valid and that is something new.I hope other people are helped too -I'm sure there are others posting or just reading who haven't yet said how it is for them. "Thank you "doesn't seem adequate.

lizatola

Thank you is ALWAYS adequate! Do you know how long it took me to see the light and get out of denial? Ask anyone here and they will tell you the frustration of listening to me say the same thing over and over again. Everyone's path is different, we all pull our head out of the sand at different times of our recovery path. That's why a support board such as SR is so helpful because there are those people here who have been where I am, where you were, etc. I always remember the Al Anon saying, "Take what you like and leave the rest." So glad you are seeing that your feelings are valid and that YOU matter. Sending you lots of support virtually!!

53500

Hello Christopher, I guess this is somewhat late but on the subject of men being the victims of physical abuse: I have a friend, it fact it is his situation with his AGF that brought me to SR, who is a victim of her smacking him in the face, more than once. With rings on, so one time she cut him below his eye - and not too far below, like an inch higher and he would've lost the eye - and another time she contributed to knocking a tooth out. And of other physical attacks that didn't hurt quite as much.

It's absolutely as bad for men as it is for women. Yes, he is stronger but he did not fight back because he is afraid of her and of what she might do to retaliate.

Take care of yourself.

Christopher1

I had a retinal tear and needed laser treatment to repair this;I was told that because my prescription is high the retina is thin and will detatch at some point in the future so I just have to be aware of symptoms and get it attended to promptly.
This is hard for me to write-my partner was fully aware of this and the risks if I sustained any injury to the eye ,yet she has punched me full in the same eye on three occasions.I don't understand,I really don't understand how she could do that-she must hate me.She says she loves me but she can't do

irisgardens

Abuse is not about love...it is about power and control

zoso77

Christopher,

I'm thankful that you've received a lot of feedback from our members, and I'd like to add my own.

Without knowing anything about this woman, I can tell you physical assault -- and that's what's happening here: assault -- is not coterminous with healthy, mature romantic love. So I understand your cognitive dissonance: she tells you she loves you, but then strikes you? That's not love, mate. Not by a long shot.

And remember: none of his is your fault. This is who and what she is, and has nothing to do with you.

Please keep us posted as to how you are. And if you want to find me, I'm over at FFSA. God bless.

DesertEyes

Hello Christopher, and pleased to "meet" you.

I don't know your lady, so I can't address your post. I can tell you about a woman I once dated who sounds a _lot_ like yours. Perhaps something I write will be of use to you.

This lovely woman I lived with for a few years is delightful. She has a charming personality, is highly social and has tons of friends all over the country. She is kind to people in need of help, very giving of her time, always sponsoring other women in the 12 step programs. Through her efforts we were able to serve as an "overflow home" for women in need of shelter on many ocassions.

Clearly, this woman was a saint. However, she was also, at the same time as she was a saint, a rage-aholic. She comes from a family of bikers and US Marines. She served our country and is highly trained. This is the worst kind of background for a rage-aholic.

Once or twice a year she would "slide" away from her program of recovery. Not a relapse, or a slip, just a distancing from the principles. At that time she would become incredibly sensitive to even the slightest difficulty in life. On one ocassion it was a nurse at a hospital, another time a trainer at the gym, some guy at a movie theater. My lovely lady would instantly transform into a maniac and physically attack these people, for no reason at all.

Fortunately I have plenty training myself and I was able to take her down without anybody getting hurt. She promised she was seeing a therapist. I believed her. I later found out she was lying. She promised she was close with her sponsor, that was also a lie. Many more promises, all lies.

What I have learned through my own participation in 12 step programs is that some people can be _both_ wonderfuly good and horribly damaged at the _same time_. My mistake was to try and understand why she would "switch" in the hopes of finding some way of making our relationship work. I have learned that "understanding" only works with healthy people. When they are sick to that extreme there is nothing to understand, that kind of "illness" is not based on logic or reason.

It's like trying to understand why a rock is too lazy to move. It's a _rock_. It's _not_ being lazy, it's being a rock. It's not "understandable".

If your lady is, in some way, similar to the one I once dated then perhaps yours is also two different people at the same time. One that is normal and one that is not. When I finally accepted that truth is when I was able to break it off and move on.

Mike

Christopher1

Thanks Miike.Are you saying that this is just who she is -that it's like trying to change the colour of her eyes.Think that's what I've tried to do for so long; I felt that if I searched long and hard,I would find the right information,the right approach to fix things.
Ok-I hold my hands up;that's what I've been trying to do-change her and "fix" her -thats not acceptance of the truth that we can't change anyone(but ourselves).That's what has been driving me crazy then.

amy55

Hi Christopher,

You are catching on really fast. I spent so many years trying to change my ex. Couldn't understand why not. He wasn't all that bad, he had a lot of good moments, I just wanted the bad ones to go away. The good times got less and less, the bad times increased.

While in the bad times, to go out with him, the ride there was horrible, but put him around a bunch of people, wow, you wouldn't believe that transformation. He was happy and talkative, and laughing, he was the person I wanted to be with. Then get back in the car for the ride home. That was a different story. I kept thinking that some alien just came out of nowhere and just possessed him.

((((((((((hugs)))))))))
amy

FireSprite

Yep, yes, uh-huh, you GOT it!

When/if she chooses to change she will, and not a single thing that you do/say can make that happen for her a moment before she is ready. (if ever)

In the meantime keep your focus on your recovery, work on defining your boundaries & what you consider acceptable behavior from your partner & work toward making those parameters your reality. She can choose to stay sick but you don't have to!

Christopher1

Thank you both-I'll keep all that in mind and work hard to keep on track.There are things I have never told my family-it started off bad-what was I thinking of-if things go badly wrong during the "honeymoon period" ,what was I expecting.It wasn't all bad,of course,otherwise no-one would carry on-she was very supportive when my mother died,that was a long time ago though.Confusing stuff.