advice please.
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I wanted to add something-although this thread was about physical abuse-and obviously I am not making light of it-but thinking about it,I feel that the EMOTIONAL abuse suffered by most all people on this forum is so devastating to a persons identity-you can't legislate against it or prosecute someone for harming you in such a way.All abuse is basically emotional -someones bruises fade but the internal damage goes far beyond that-the helplessness that people here have felt/do feel,seeing their lives ripped apart by all the effects and fall-out from addiction makes me feel so sad.
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Get a RO and leave. Abide by the RO in that you don't go back and you don't speak to her again. Abuse is not OK at all.
While I agree the emotional abuse people suffer is horrible, unfortunately it's not against the law. (Wish it was, it should be).
Glad you are here.
While I agree the emotional abuse people suffer is horrible, unfortunately it's not against the law. (Wish it was, it should be).
Glad you are here.
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Originally Posted by WMJ1012 
Everyone wants to be a victim of someone or something today. We can't live the way most people do out there...it gets us sicker.
When we stop blaming people places and things for our problems and take an honest and thorough look at ourselves as the root problem of our difficulties we got better..
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Untitled Document
Christopher - first, hugs to you. I too went through years of emotional and other abuse with my STBERAH. Since I left him and filed for divorce, friends and family have asked me why I stayed for so long. I have gone over that in my head a zillion times, and come up with some pretty rational reasons, although none adequately explain the long years it took me to finally cut the ties. My reading around this led me to 'trauma bonding' which has been very insightful for me, and I think for me, certainly contains more than an element of truth. Hope this link leads you to some interesting insights. Take care.
Christopher - first, hugs to you. I too went through years of emotional and other abuse with my STBERAH. Since I left him and filed for divorce, friends and family have asked me why I stayed for so long. I have gone over that in my head a zillion times, and come up with some pretty rational reasons, although none adequately explain the long years it took me to finally cut the ties. My reading around this led me to 'trauma bonding' which has been very insightful for me, and I think for me, certainly contains more than an element of truth. Hope this link leads you to some interesting insights. Take care.
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Originally Posted by Christopher1
At the risk of humiliating myself further I would like to ask the people here for their thoughts on domestic violence and consequences.This isn't the first time that my partner has asaulted me,and I don't mean "just" slapping.Do I just walk away or press charges(she isn't drinking but is abusing god knows what).I feel
stupid that I have letthis happen again.I don't want to hurt her, but would it be a wake up call for her if I were not to just leave it?
stupid that I have letthis happen again.I don't want to hurt her, but would it be a wake up call for her if I were not to just leave it?
Physical and emotional abuse is simply unacceptable under any circumstances. And none of this, and I mean none, is your fault.
You do not need permission to do what is right and what is necessary to protect yourself.
Keep us posted as to how you are.
Z
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What Do You Need to Know?
The serious and painful effects of domestic violence impact the victim’s desire and ability to end their relationship. They may have been told the abuse was their fault and they may feel responsible. Even though the relationship was abusive, they will probably feel sad and lonely when it is over. Because there are many complex reasons why victims stay in abusive relationships, they may break up with and go back to the abuser many times. Remember that it may be difficult for them to talk about the abuse.
What Can You Do?
•Don’t be afraid to tell them that you are concerned for their safety and want to help.
•Acknowledge and validate their feelings about their relationship.
•Help them recognize that the abuse is not “normal” and not their fault, and that everyone deserves a healthy non-violent relationship.
•Be supportive and listen patiently.
•Focus on the member and what they need, not on the abuser. Even if the person stays with their abusive partner, it is important that they still feel comfortable talking to you about it.
•Be respectful of their decisions.
•Encourage them to do things with other friends and family members, and to take part in activities outside the relationship.
•Connect them to resources in their community that can help give them information and guidance as they move forward.
•Help them develop a plan to end their relationship safely.
•If they break up with the abuser, continue to be supportive of them once they are single.
The serious and painful effects of domestic violence impact the victim’s desire and ability to end their relationship. They may have been told the abuse was their fault and they may feel responsible. Even though the relationship was abusive, they will probably feel sad and lonely when it is over. Because there are many complex reasons why victims stay in abusive relationships, they may break up with and go back to the abuser many times. Remember that it may be difficult for them to talk about the abuse.
What Can You Do?
•Don’t be afraid to tell them that you are concerned for their safety and want to help.
•Acknowledge and validate their feelings about their relationship.
•Help them recognize that the abuse is not “normal” and not their fault, and that everyone deserves a healthy non-violent relationship.
•Be supportive and listen patiently.
•Focus on the member and what they need, not on the abuser. Even if the person stays with their abusive partner, it is important that they still feel comfortable talking to you about it.
•Be respectful of their decisions.
•Encourage them to do things with other friends and family members, and to take part in activities outside the relationship.
•Connect them to resources in their community that can help give them information and guidance as they move forward.
•Help them develop a plan to end their relationship safely.
•If they break up with the abuser, continue to be supportive of them once they are single.
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Originally Posted by WMJ1012
When we were kids with no spiritual principles, we were victims, yes.
But we are over 18 now so we are responsible for ourselves
In the same way the alcoholic has no defense against the first drink unless it comes from a Higher Power, we also have no defense against getting involved with certain types of people unless we find a Higher Power. Then we know who to go to and who not to.
In the same way the alcoholic can't stop drinking once he picks up, we also cannot stop "drinking" certain types of people once we pick them up.
Our defense must come from a Higher Power.
The purpose of the Big Book no matter what the issue/craving/compulsion is, is to help us find that Power, so we can remain safe & protected. Will power alone is insufficient.
We develop a sixth sense...a God-consciousness so we know what people's motives are when they are around us. We just know. And we know what our own motives are too
This Higher Power really loves us and wants the best for us and it is in that Book I found Him
But we are over 18 now so we are responsible for ourselves
In the same way the alcoholic has no defense against the first drink unless it comes from a Higher Power, we also have no defense against getting involved with certain types of people unless we find a Higher Power. Then we know who to go to and who not to.
In the same way the alcoholic can't stop drinking once he picks up, we also cannot stop "drinking" certain types of people once we pick them up.
Our defense must come from a Higher Power.
The purpose of the Big Book no matter what the issue/craving/compulsion is, is to help us find that Power, so we can remain safe & protected. Will power alone is insufficient.
We develop a sixth sense...a God-consciousness so we know what people's motives are when they are around us. We just know. And we know what our own motives are too
This Higher Power really loves us and wants the best for us and it is in that Book I found Him
I think things like education on what qualifies as abuse are necessary for a true victim to see that what they are experiencing isn't normal & can be changed. I don't believe that Victims "choose" to enable their abusers & stay in the victim role because they LIKE feeding into the dynamic.
My mother was sexual abused by 3 of her brothers (ranging from 8-10 yrs older than herself) from the time she was FOUR years old until late into her teens. She had limited influences outside of the family & no way of measuring "normal" against her own life. She lived in pain & fear & was ABSOLUTELY a victim to those boys who became men who continued to abuse. It all became part of her emotional foundation & she accepted unacceptable behavior from others simply because it was never AS BAD as the horror she had grown up with. And even when it WAS as bad (being raped by a stranger on a playground at age 7) she accepted it because it fell into the spectrum of "normal" for her. Her unit of measurement was waaaaay off, you see? Simply becoming an adult & becoming responsible for herself didn't change this Core of Dysfunction inside of her. Simply moving away geographically didn't change her ability to manage the internal damage.
She has never not believed in her HP but it wasn't until she sought therapy & education on her experiences that she was able to start the process of healing. That just happened in the last few years, in her late 50's. While her HP beliefs certainly help & comfort her in the darkest times now (& then), it is NOT the reason she is finding relief & creating change for herself. JMHO, of course, based on seeing the changes in her life & listening to her talk about her life experiences.
Christopher - I had a male friend years ago who opened up about the abuse he was suffering at the hands of his AW, and I was horrified. I asked him if the tables were turned & it was me coming to him for advice saying my AH had done these things, would he advise me to stay & accept it? "No way" was his quick response - so why then, I asked, is it OK for YOU to be treated the same way? Why do you think you have to tolerate more simply because you are a man??
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I found out (after the relationship had ended) that my older son had been strangled by his girlfriend. She had also destroyed property and had emotionally abused him. He stayed, in part, because she had a young son he was concerned about.
I'm grateful that he got out when he did. I wish he had told me about the physical abuse sooner. I knew about the emotional abuse and property destruction, and had talked to him about that, but I was shocked to hear what he had endured physically.
It wasn't his fault. I believe in learning to care for oneself as much as anyone here, but the obstacles to leaving an abusive relationship are so great that I would never fault a victim for staying. It doesn't mean the victim caused it or contributed to it, nor does it mean that s/he enjoys being a victim. I think people who believe those things simply do not understand the dynamics of abusive relationships.
Anyone who really wants to learn more about why victims stay should watch "Private Violence," an HBO documentary that goes back into rotation on the programming schedule tomorrow.
I'm grateful that he got out when he did. I wish he had told me about the physical abuse sooner. I knew about the emotional abuse and property destruction, and had talked to him about that, but I was shocked to hear what he had endured physically.
It wasn't his fault. I believe in learning to care for oneself as much as anyone here, but the obstacles to leaving an abusive relationship are so great that I would never fault a victim for staying. It doesn't mean the victim caused it or contributed to it, nor does it mean that s/he enjoys being a victim. I think people who believe those things simply do not understand the dynamics of abusive relationships.
Anyone who really wants to learn more about why victims stay should watch "Private Violence," an HBO documentary that goes back into rotation on the programming schedule tomorrow.
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Originally Posted by WMJ1012
As we have seen in this thread, most people in life want to remain a victim or complain about abusers. I give kudos to you Christopher and a few others here who want the truth. When our situation is bad enough we don't have time to keep blaming others; we just want a way out of that old thinking.
Everyone wants to be a victim of someone or something today. We can't live the way most people do out there...it gets us sicker.
When we stop blaming people places and things for our problems and take an honest and thorough look at ourselves as the root problem of our difficulties we got better
I myself come from the land of It's Everybody Else's Fault...that doesn't provide a real solution. I find the wisdom in the rooms of Alanon and also in the Big Book of AA to hold a real answer for those who want it.
Everyone wants to be a victim of someone or something today. We can't live the way most people do out there...it gets us sicker.
When we stop blaming people places and things for our problems and take an honest and thorough look at ourselves as the root problem of our difficulties we got better
I myself come from the land of It's Everybody Else's Fault...that doesn't provide a real solution. I find the wisdom in the rooms of Alanon and also in the Big Book of AA to hold a real answer for those who want it.
I certainly did nothing to warrant it.
D
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Thank you Dee for speaking your truth and THE truth.
I have had my Ap on the phone ,steaming drunk and threatening to "punch my face in".Why-because my behaviour has caused this? Or maybe contributed to it? I have been at home feeling ill (maybe that's the reason then,of course).
I'm afraid the truth is ,the only reason she treats me like this is because SHE CHOOSES TO-no other reason.
I may need to work a program and continue with counselling to better understand myself and to never get into a situation like this again but I don't need to work it on the basis of understanding my "contribution" to someone who "loves me" punching me repeatedly in the face and threatening my sight as a result.
And I don't need to be with someone who calls that love.
I have had my Ap on the phone ,steaming drunk and threatening to "punch my face in".Why-because my behaviour has caused this? Or maybe contributed to it? I have been at home feeling ill (maybe that's the reason then,of course).
I'm afraid the truth is ,the only reason she treats me like this is because SHE CHOOSES TO-no other reason.
I may need to work a program and continue with counselling to better understand myself and to never get into a situation like this again but I don't need to work it on the basis of understanding my "contribution" to someone who "loves me" punching me repeatedly in the face and threatening my sight as a result.
And I don't need to be with someone who calls that love.
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I think a programme, or some counselling - or both, could help Chris 
I went though it all - blaming myself, pretending it didn't happen, wanting to believe it would never happen again....but it did.
In the end, walking out was the best decision I could have made.
D
I went though it all - blaming myself, pretending it didn't happen, wanting to believe it would never happen again....but it did.
In the end, walking out was the best decision I could have made.
D
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Christopher, I would like to caution 1 thing here. I think it is harder for a man to file assault charges, I have no doubt about the abuse, but just picture her blocking the doorway and you move her so that you can get out. She can file against you. Female abusers are bad. Do whatever you can to protect yourself.
(((((hugs)))))
amy
(((((hugs)))))
amy
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Originally Posted by Dee74
I think a programme, or some counselling - or both, could help Chris
I went though it all - blaming myself, pretending it didn't happen, wanting to believe it would never happen again....but it did.
In the end, walking out was the best decision I could have made.
D
I went though it all - blaming myself, pretending it didn't happen, wanting to believe it would never happen again....but it did.
In the end, walking out was the best decision I could have made.
D
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WMJ,
I really think it is EXTREMELY unhelpful for you to keep trying to convince Christopher or anyone else here that they are not true victims if they have been physically abused.
What you are talking about may hold true for situations where we feel slighted or mistreated by others--NOT when we are hit, stabbed, punched, strangled, poisoned, or burned by someone else.
I have worked with a woman who was repeatedly burned with hot oven racks. She lost permanent use of her arm. She stayed because the lives of her children were threatened by a maniac.
If you don't have experience as a survivor of domestic violence, someone who was physically battered on a repeated basis, please don't presume to tell others that they should not consider themselves as having been victimized.
Victims CAN grow to become survivors, and shed the helplessness that goes along with victimization. That's what we would all like to have happen. But it isn't as simple as working one's program better. You must have PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL SAFETY before you can make that transformation.
I really think it is EXTREMELY unhelpful for you to keep trying to convince Christopher or anyone else here that they are not true victims if they have been physically abused.
What you are talking about may hold true for situations where we feel slighted or mistreated by others--NOT when we are hit, stabbed, punched, strangled, poisoned, or burned by someone else.
I have worked with a woman who was repeatedly burned with hot oven racks. She lost permanent use of her arm. She stayed because the lives of her children were threatened by a maniac.
If you don't have experience as a survivor of domestic violence, someone who was physically battered on a repeated basis, please don't presume to tell others that they should not consider themselves as having been victimized.
Victims CAN grow to become survivors, and shed the helplessness that goes along with victimization. That's what we would all like to have happen. But it isn't as simple as working one's program better. You must have PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL SAFETY before you can make that transformation.
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Sorry WMJ but I don't find this helpful-my partner is quite disturbed and I am frightened of her,don't you understand.Please leave it alone, I have enough to deal with. I am logging out of this site.
Thank you.
Thank you.
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Christopher, please know that there is an ignore button for people that you do not feel that are helpful to you. I think you found a good home in SR. You have a lot of friends here. You can talk about things here. Don't make the mistake that I did by cutting off one of your support systems. I then isolated myself and things got worse and worse, because I cut myself off from validation. I became more trapped in my situation.
We care deeply about you here.
(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy
We care deeply about you here.
(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy
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If you don't have experience as a survivor of domestic violence, someone who was physically battered on a repeated basis, please don't presume to tell others that they should not consider themselves as having been victimized.
Victims CAN grow to become survivors, and shed the helplessness that goes along with victimization. That's what we would all like to have happen. But it isn't as simple as working one's program better. You must have PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL SAFETY before you can make that transformation.
Victims CAN grow to become survivors, and shed the helplessness that goes along with victimization. That's what we would all like to have happen. But it isn't as simple as working one's program better. You must have PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL SAFETY before you can make that transformation.
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Alanon literature tells us what to do if our safety is in jeopardy.
Sometimes it just takes courage to jump into God's arms.
We will then find ourselves alone...but slowly we can begin to put our faith in a Power greater than ourselves.
My personal experience? I keep it between God and me.
Sometimes it just takes courage to jump into God's arms.
We will then find ourselves alone...but slowly we can begin to put our faith in a Power greater than ourselves.
My personal experience? I keep it between God and me.
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WMJ are you a victim of domestic violence? If so why don't you tell Christopher of your experience and what worked for you in getting out of it, or if you are still in it what's going on.
If you are not, then why do you keep shoveling Al Anon 12 steps when those who have been there and done that have stated this is not correct? Your approach might be well meaning but its clearly antagonizing the OP - yet you keep on posting.
Christopher I am sorry for what you are going through. I have not had to deal with this issue in my life. There are many people here who have and they can offer you guidance - we all offer support. Hope you stick around.
If you are not, then why do you keep shoveling Al Anon 12 steps when those who have been there and done that have stated this is not correct? Your approach might be well meaning but its clearly antagonizing the OP - yet you keep on posting.
Christopher I am sorry for what you are going through. I have not had to deal with this issue in my life. There are many people here who have and they can offer you guidance - we all offer support. Hope you stick around.
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Can I say that it seems this thread has got out of hand- it's supposed to be about sharing and support yet people here are feeling that they are having to defend and justify their experiences and that doesn't feel right at all.Probably best to close it -I for one feel very uncomfortable at the way things seem to have been inflamed -and guilty because I started it-it wasn't supposed to be like this.
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