Soberintexas007

My husband and I recently moved into our own apartment in the past couple of months. My dad, me and him are on the lease (my dad is the guarantor). Anyways, things have been going well. He drinks about 6 beers when he gets home from work and smokes weed, and if everything is going well, he is happy and fine, although he will stay up until 2:30 am in the morning cleaning and doing other things. Anyways, something did not go his way today and he became very angry and upset, and he started to blame me for things that were unfair. So, he went and got some beer, and after drinking, he started to calm down. I am getting tired of being verbally abused, however. He puts me down in various ways, and it hurts me. I recently started drinking again to numb myself of this pain, but I am currently on Day 5 of my sobriety.

Kboys

So sorry to hear that. HUGS. You know you don't deserve the verbal and emotional abuse, and to be blamed for things that are not your fault. I know I don't either, and yet, I am still with my AH, who has hurt me deeply with his drunk words and actions, time and time again. Despite all of it, I have not yet found the strength to end our relationship for good. My AH has been (mostly) not drinking for 5 weeks, and has not lashed out at me during that time. Even though the cruel words have stopped, the hurt has not gone away, not even a little bit. I think it hurts more now, actually. I don't know if it will ever get any better, at least not as long as I am still with him...

I don't have any great advice, but I know the heart break that is caused by the words of someone you love, and I know you don't deserve it! Stay strong.

AnvilheadII

this was the plan back in August:

So, here is the plan. If his drinking escalates and he becomes intolerably belligerent, I am going to my parent's house. He now will have to make better choices in order to keep me, and he will have to choose between the alcohol or me. Before, he had no place to go. Well, now he does.

sadly it sounds as if you fell into the trap of "if ya can't beat em, join em". so first things first, get sober (yay on day 5) and then STAY sober. get to meetings, work your program like the tazmanian devil. your husband's drinking has been a problem for a long time....he's STILL drinking. nothing has changed, except where you get your mail delivered.

SoloMio

I don't get hurt by AHs verbal abuse anymore but it's definitely annoying. Just yesterday, he told me that a) he is not mature enough to handle money--i.e., whatever he gets he spends, b) so he wants me to hand it to him as if I'm his mother and c) when he calls me a controlling b*tch because I do exactly as he asks and withhold money from him (and the controlling b*tch comment is always inevitable), he says he doesn't mean it--it's just drunk talk. So presumably I should just ignore it, and his bad behavior should be excused.

So, talk about a lose/lose situation. If he has free rein to our joint money I lose. If I withhold it from him, I lose--all because he wants to play these ridiculous mind games.

Justbreathe, AnvilheadII has a great plan for you.. I agree. Just walk away, and continue with your own sobriety.

Hammer

About a year and a half ago, after Mrs. Hammer came back from Rehab, she was screaming at me and the kids, and then telling her sponsor that I was being "Verbally Abusive." (ooookkkaaaayyyy. We have a lot of that -- called Projection). So her sponsor sent her this book.

http://www.amazon.com/Verbally-Abusi...s=verbal+abuse

I read it, and picked up some techniques to manage to shut the stuff down.

Basically will no longer tolerate, or even feed it, and walk out if she tries to start it.

Would recommend that you also study this stuff a bit (books like this are in most Public Libraries) so that you can learn to cope and manage these folks with their problems.

Soberintexas007

Yes, this is exactly what happened, and my sister knows it as well. I started drinking and looked like the stupid one again in front of other people, but my sister was not fooled. She knew I started drinking again because I tried joining my husband in drinking since I had to endure his behavior sober while he drank, which became too painful for me. I make no excuses for my drinking to anyone, but you also caught on to this. Yes, this is what I now have to do. Stay sober, go to meetings which I love to do as I feel safe there, and try and detach from my husband's anger when he gets that way. I am still happy I moved out of my parent's home, as they did not deserve to be the victims of my husband's brutality when he drank too much.

Soberintexas007

Yes, this is exactly what it often feels like - a lose lose situation. My husband will tell me that he will clean the bathroom, cook the meal tonight, etc. etc., but then when something does not go his way, he uses these things against me to other people and says that I don't do this, and I don't do that. Yet he was agreeable to these things when he was fine. They are mind games, and I guess I just need to not care if he slanders me to other people because I know the truth.

Soberintexas007

Yes, if I can just walk out of the house when he becomes like this, I think that would be better. I can go for a run or go to a meeting. It's just difficult for me to do at the time. He says things that get to me that I get so defensive and feed it.

Soberintexas007

I will say this, however. Things have gotten better since we moved out into our own apartment. He does drink a lot more, but he is calmer and less angry because he is not worried about my parents, nor does he have to deal with living with in-laws, which I think has improved his mood. But when he gets to that 5th or 6th beer and something bothers him, that is when he can become belligerent and mean. Also, I notice that he often needs a beer in the morning when he is upset to calm down. Today, he got upset and did not have any alcohol, and that bothered him.

amy55

Hi Just Breathe,

Just wanted to let you know my marriage was this way. I also drank to numb, but it didn't work. I tried to not react, that didn't work. So I drank, then I began to realize that I was making such great plans for leaving, what I was going to do with my life after I left, but I never carried them out because I was drinking. Verbal abuse escalates. The more you numb and you don't show them a response, they will follow you around the house, they will corner you, then what can you do. I couldn't just leave my house. I lived in a rural area. I couldn't drive to get away, I was drinking. I ended up sleeping in my car in the garage many days because I just couldn't take it anymore.

Did you ever contact the DV hotline to talk to them? You don't have to be hit for it to be considered Domestic Violence.

I also made the mistake of trying to be defensive about things, that doesn't work either.

Congrats on the 5 days. Drinking is never the right thing to do in these situations.

One thing to always remember is that you do not deserve to be treated like this. You deserve so much better.

In addition to AA meetings, perhaps you can add in alanon, and DV support.

((((((((((hugs)))))))))))

Dojang

You said you are glad you moved out because your parents don't deserve to be victims of his brutality. Neither do you.
I went through a lot of verbal & mental abuse as well. It's been just over 2 months since I ended my relationship with my A. I am finally starting to heal. I cannot believe what I put up with while I was with him. He destroyed my self esteem. I realized today how on edge I was while I was with him. Every minor problem in my life became magnified because of the stress I was under. That is finally lifting. I had several stressful situations this week, including the death of my grandmother. I was able to handle all of it because my life is much calmer now, and I no longer over react to every thing. I am so glad I ended my relationship & the abuse. I have put a lot of work into my recovery & it is really paying off.
I hope you find the same peace I have found. NO ONE deserves to be abused.

53500

JustBreathe, this is an alcoholic getting worse, which is the normal course. His drinking is increasing. Are you sure you want to be there as he gets worse? Take care of yourself.

Soberintexas007

Deep in my heart I know that you guys are right about this not being a healthy situation to be in. I am just not ready to leave at the time. The worst part of this all is that in the past year, my personality has become worse because of the stress I am under at the time, and other people may not know what I am going through. It is really unfortunate. I am just not ready to make any decisions at the time. After our family dinner tonight, he asked if we could go get some more alcohol for him, and I asked him if he was sure, and he changed his mind. It's just too bad that I look more forward to the work week, although now that we moved out he does drink after work now on the weekdays because my parents are not there. I have told him when he gets upset that this is not going to work out if he continues this, and I think he absorbs it a little bit. I feel as if I am taking a harm reduction approach to my husband's drinking and staying with him. I know I should probably leave him unless he stops drinking and gets treatment (such as through AA), but I am just not ready to take action.

Soberintexas007

I have not called the DV hotline yet, but that may be something to consider in the future.

ladyscribbler

Hugs. I lived with verbal abuse for a long time. It is absolutely soul-crushing, but so gradual and insidious you almost don't notice it is happening, which makes it all the more debilitating.
Amy55 is right on the money (as usual). I would like to second the Alanon suggestion, not just because it would help you, but also because I personally love having double winners (folks who are working both AA and Alanon programs) at the meetings. Selfish, I know, but some of my greatest recovery insights both here and in Alanon meetings have come through the hard won wisdom of double winners and I really appreciate it. I also heard the term "two hatters" this last weekend. I thought that was kind of cool.
Anyway, good work on your sobriety. I'm so glad to hear that you're taking care of yourself. Self care is very important when one is dealing with an abusive alcoholic.

Soberintexas007

We are watching a movie together at the moment, and he is being nice. But the reason my stomach still churns is because I don't know the next time he is going to fly off the handle about something, and sometimes it happens when he isn't even drinking. The nurse at his doctor's office told me a few weeks ago that she felt sorry for me, after he threw a tantrum in the doctor's office. People close to me feel sorry for me because they know that I get so nervous when he gets angry and crazy about things. It's not human to not feel nervous and uncomfortable when someone goes crazy, so it naturally happens to me. So, saying that I should practice disengaging from his crazy emotions is not really human and more an attempt to rectify a bad situation with an unrealistic solution. He basically just subtly puts me down with almost every comment he makes, and I think this is being nice, when in reality I have just gotten used to this abuse. My goal at this time is to just leave my place when he becomes like that again. But it will still hurt even after I leave because of what I am going through, but at least I will get away from the situation.

Also, when I said earlier that I am glad I left my parent's house because they don't deserve this, I also understand that I don't deserve this either. But they definitely don't deserve this, as they never made the choice to marry him, I did.

For personal reasons growing up that I don't want to get into on these boards, I never really dated growing up or had a serious relationship. I felt so sorry for myself and desperately wanted a partner. I thought being single was the worst thing. How ironic. I am envious of people who are single and not in an abusive relationship. They are so lucky and may not even know it.

seek

I may have missed it, but have you said what you are getting out of this and why you aren't ready to leave (since you brought up the fact that you are not ready to leave at this point)?

Soberintexas007

I have thought about that myself. Why haven't I left if I have a place to go, which is my parent's house. I would guess that 80% of the time in my relationship my husband is nice and normal, and 20% of the time is toxic. It is that 80% that is keeping me in this relationship.

The other answer would be that I simply do not know at this time what is keeping me here. Possibly fear of change and the unknown?

Like, my husband just turned to me on the couch and told me that he wanted to give me a love bit on the butt because he loves me. It is that sweetness that he does have that wants to make this work. This is all so crazy and baffling, I know.

seek

I understand. It's not black and white. If I can offer you any advice, just try to put your own self-interests first and don't take any abuse. Whenever there is a hint of abuse, leave the room or leave the house. Just don't take it. Love yourself. It is so important. If you need support, reach out for it and don't put your head in the sand.

"Take what you like and leave the rest."

LexieCat

justbreathe, I have worked in the DV field for years and years. Even the worst abusers aren't abusive a hundred percent of the time. It's the uncertainty, for one thing, that keeps victims enmeshed in the relationship--there is JUST ENOUGH of the good stuff to keep them from walking.

Many survivors of domestic violence have told me that the physical injuries were the least harmful part of the relationship. It was the constant putting-down, criticism, haranguing, insulting verbal and emotional abuse and manipulation that was the most difficult to heal from.

I'm concerned that you are underestimating the harm you are experiencing. Please call the DV hotline and talk to someone. Advocates understand that not everyone is ready to leave right away, and they can still hook you up with a counselor that can help to keep your emotions and self-esteem intact, so you stay grounded in reality and don't swallow what he tries to tell you about yourself.

And while it is true that many men become more abusive when they drink, the fact that yours is abusive even when he is not drinking strongly indicates that getting him sober will not make him less abusive. Some of the worst abusers I ever encountered professionally did not drink at all and did not take any drugs. Abuse comes from a sense of entitlement, and a need to control you and keep you under his thumb. That doesn't stem from drinking, it stems from his attitude toward you (and probably ANY woman he might be involved with).

Please get some help for yourself regardless of whether you stay or go.