I am getting tired of the verbal abuse
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I mentioned in another thread how much yoga is doing for me. I do home practice, but I also do one Iyengar class a week, so I can be sure I'm doing the poses properly. It's a beginner class, and there's only me and maybe one or two other people in the class every week so there's a lot of personal attention from the teacher, who is very calm, spiritual, nurturing, and kind.
The reason I point all this out is, when I come out of class and get into the car to to home, I feel I've had a little shift in consciousness each time. I can somehow see my situation through a different prism. I honestly don't know if it's the increased focus on my own center, or being with people who are so centered themselves, but it definitely makes a difference.
When I came home the other night I felt far less sucked into his crap, and more motivated to take care of myself. It helps me to remember that I am a vessel of my higher power's love, and it is my responsibility to do what I can to channel that outward. I can't do that if I'm being poisoned by toxic thought and behavior. That includes verbal abuse, crazy making, and quacking.
Have you noticed how depressing the whole house feels when the addicted partner is doing their thing? It may be a flashback from my childhood when my house was definitely extremely depressing to be in, but I am very sensitive to the bad "vibe" that permeates the house when AH is drinking--even if I am in my home office, and AH is in his, which is on the other side of the house. For that reason, I feel I have to physically remove myself to get fresh air when he's drinking.
Being in a place where you can mentally and emotionally detox is important for clarity. I hope you find it, JustBreathe!
The reason I point all this out is, when I come out of class and get into the car to to home, I feel I've had a little shift in consciousness each time. I can somehow see my situation through a different prism. I honestly don't know if it's the increased focus on my own center, or being with people who are so centered themselves, but it definitely makes a difference.
When I came home the other night I felt far less sucked into his crap, and more motivated to take care of myself. It helps me to remember that I am a vessel of my higher power's love, and it is my responsibility to do what I can to channel that outward. I can't do that if I'm being poisoned by toxic thought and behavior. That includes verbal abuse, crazy making, and quacking.
Have you noticed how depressing the whole house feels when the addicted partner is doing their thing? It may be a flashback from my childhood when my house was definitely extremely depressing to be in, but I am very sensitive to the bad "vibe" that permeates the house when AH is drinking--even if I am in my home office, and AH is in his, which is on the other side of the house. For that reason, I feel I have to physically remove myself to get fresh air when he's drinking.
Being in a place where you can mentally and emotionally detox is important for clarity. I hope you find it, JustBreathe!
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JustBreathe,
I'm not pushing you to leave, I would never do that. I am just asking that you stay here on this forum and seek other help face to face. Do what you can on your own timeline. The reason I say this is because of how long it took me to leave. I started on a verbal abuse forum. I think it was Sept 2004. I posted for awhile, but soon became too embarrassed to post there. How many times could I do a countdown of his days of the silent treatment, then a rage, then silent treatment would continue. I stopped posting. I isolated myself. I still read the forum, but I wouldn't post. I had no one to reach out to.
Know you can always reach out to us, we have been there. Sometimes if you are not ready to leave, it is better that you don't, because if you leave and return then it is worse.
I know that feeling of waiting for the explosion to happen. Perhaps I was having 40% good, 60% bad. At one time it might have been 90% good, 10 % bad. What I found out though was the good time wasn't good at all because that was the time that I was "Walking on Eggshells". I was watching everything I said and did so that I wouldn't set off the bomb inside of him. I was nervous all the time. When he exploded, I seemed to calm down somewhat because it had happened. This was now something that I was used to. At least I am not walking on the eggshells. Now instead I was trying to explain, defend, that I didn't say that, I didn't do that, I didn't mean that. I would get so sick. My stomach would feel like it was bloated and that I could not eat. Sometimes I went for 3 - 4 days without eating.
I would stop the defending and explaining and just agree, after all how can you fight with someone who is agreeing with you. This didn't stop it either. The silent treatment would begin, and I would just want some communication, any communication, the raging now was preferable, at least he was acknowledging my existence. I was one of those woman who prayed that he would hit me because at least the fight would end, because he would see the physical damage.
It took me over 4 years from when I first started talking about what was happening to me before I finally left for good.
Instead I started to isolate from everyone, stayed inside my home with my case of beer. I don't know why I didn't leave sooner. I think my entire mind was just fixated on how to fix things, how to make things better, how can I say things differently, I really don't think I ever thought about me, because by that time "I" didn't exist. I changed myself so much into being what he wanted me to be (which was always wrong anyway) that I had no idea of who "me" was anymore.
I can't and won't tell you what to do. Just wanted you to know that you always have SR to come to.
(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy
I'm not pushing you to leave, I would never do that. I am just asking that you stay here on this forum and seek other help face to face. Do what you can on your own timeline. The reason I say this is because of how long it took me to leave. I started on a verbal abuse forum. I think it was Sept 2004. I posted for awhile, but soon became too embarrassed to post there. How many times could I do a countdown of his days of the silent treatment, then a rage, then silent treatment would continue. I stopped posting. I isolated myself. I still read the forum, but I wouldn't post. I had no one to reach out to.
Know you can always reach out to us, we have been there. Sometimes if you are not ready to leave, it is better that you don't, because if you leave and return then it is worse.
I know that feeling of waiting for the explosion to happen. Perhaps I was having 40% good, 60% bad. At one time it might have been 90% good, 10 % bad. What I found out though was the good time wasn't good at all because that was the time that I was "Walking on Eggshells". I was watching everything I said and did so that I wouldn't set off the bomb inside of him. I was nervous all the time. When he exploded, I seemed to calm down somewhat because it had happened. This was now something that I was used to. At least I am not walking on the eggshells. Now instead I was trying to explain, defend, that I didn't say that, I didn't do that, I didn't mean that. I would get so sick. My stomach would feel like it was bloated and that I could not eat. Sometimes I went for 3 - 4 days without eating.
I would stop the defending and explaining and just agree, after all how can you fight with someone who is agreeing with you. This didn't stop it either. The silent treatment would begin, and I would just want some communication, any communication, the raging now was preferable, at least he was acknowledging my existence. I was one of those woman who prayed that he would hit me because at least the fight would end, because he would see the physical damage.
It took me over 4 years from when I first started talking about what was happening to me before I finally left for good.
Instead I started to isolate from everyone, stayed inside my home with my case of beer. I don't know why I didn't leave sooner. I think my entire mind was just fixated on how to fix things, how to make things better, how can I say things differently, I really don't think I ever thought about me, because by that time "I" didn't exist. I changed myself so much into being what he wanted me to be (which was always wrong anyway) that I had no idea of who "me" was anymore.
I can't and won't tell you what to do. Just wanted you to know that you always have SR to come to.
(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy
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I try to avoid verbal abuse threads because they trigger the heck out of me ..and so I rely upon Amy 's experience, strength and hope.
It's been over a year since my divorce from the abusive ex.. And I hope I can share what I've learned with you. Although I am not nearly as eloquent as Amy.
When I was in the marriage and even as I was on my way out of it ..I couldn't see how damaged I had become during the short 16 months I was in it. I had lost so much of myself and was overcome with denial.. It was unutterably painful to admit to myself that I had made a horrible mistake in marrying such an angry man. All those times he was angry at others or circumstances or just daily stresses... I assumed he would never turn that anger on me.
So very stupid of me. I became his number one target. Now? I can't believe I mourned the loss of that marriage. I'm so happy now, I'm 46 and healthy and in a wonderful relationship. It took me getting out before I could see anything clearly... Me or him.
Time, space and healing, that's how I got better. L
It's been over a year since my divorce from the abusive ex.. And I hope I can share what I've learned with you. Although I am not nearly as eloquent as Amy.
When I was in the marriage and even as I was on my way out of it ..I couldn't see how damaged I had become during the short 16 months I was in it. I had lost so much of myself and was overcome with denial.. It was unutterably painful to admit to myself that I had made a horrible mistake in marrying such an angry man. All those times he was angry at others or circumstances or just daily stresses... I assumed he would never turn that anger on me.
So very stupid of me. I became his number one target. Now? I can't believe I mourned the loss of that marriage. I'm so happy now, I'm 46 and healthy and in a wonderful relationship. It took me getting out before I could see anything clearly... Me or him.
Time, space and healing, that's how I got better. L
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Originally Posted by Justbreathe1980 
I will say this, however. Things have gotten better since we moved out into our own apartment. He does drink a lot more, but he is calmer and less angry because he is not worried about my parents, nor does he have to deal with living with in-laws, which I think has improved his mood. But when he gets to that 5th or 6th beer and something bothers him, that is when he can become belligerent and mean. Also, I notice that he often needs a beer in the morning when he is upset to calm down. Today, he got upset and did not have any alcohol, and that bothered him.
WHO in their right mind drinks in the morning before work?
what is that much to "get upset" about before you leave the house?
it seems he has MANY anger issues, ALWAYS directed at others....his behavior is escalating, his moods depend on whether he is "calm" which happens after drinking, but then he has a switch that turns him into verbal abusive....this is going to turn up to physical abusive at some point. (and i hope I am wrong).
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Originally Posted by seek
I understand. It's not black and white. If I can offer you any advice, just try to put your own self-interests first and don't take any abuse. Whenever there is a hint of abuse, leave the room or leave the house. Just don't take it. Love yourself. It is so important. If you need support, reach out for it and don't put your head in the sand.
"Take what you like and leave the rest."
"Take what you like and leave the rest."
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
justbreathe, I have worked in the DV field for years and years. Even the worst abusers aren't abusive a hundred percent of the time. It's the uncertainty, for one thing, that keeps victims enmeshed in the relationship--there is JUST ENOUGH of the good stuff to keep them from walking.
Many survivors of domestic violence have told me that the physical injuries were the least harmful part of the relationship. It was the constant putting-down, criticism, haranguing, insulting verbal and emotional abuse and manipulation that was the most difficult to heal from.
I'm concerned that you are underestimating the harm you are experiencing. Please call the DV hotline and talk to someone. Advocates understand that not everyone is ready to leave right away, and they can still hook you up with a counselor that can help to keep your emotions and self-esteem intact, so you stay grounded in reality and don't swallow what he tries to tell you about yourself.
And while it is true that many men become more abusive when they drink, the fact that yours is abusive even when he is not drinking strongly indicates that getting him sober will not make him less abusive. Some of the worst abusers I ever encountered professionally did not drink at all and did not take any drugs. Abuse comes from a sense of entitlement, and a need to control you and keep you under his thumb. That doesn't stem from drinking, it stems from his attitude toward you (and probably ANY woman he might be involved with).
Please get some help for yourself regardless of whether you stay or go.
Many survivors of domestic violence have told me that the physical injuries were the least harmful part of the relationship. It was the constant putting-down, criticism, haranguing, insulting verbal and emotional abuse and manipulation that was the most difficult to heal from.
I'm concerned that you are underestimating the harm you are experiencing. Please call the DV hotline and talk to someone. Advocates understand that not everyone is ready to leave right away, and they can still hook you up with a counselor that can help to keep your emotions and self-esteem intact, so you stay grounded in reality and don't swallow what he tries to tell you about yourself.
And while it is true that many men become more abusive when they drink, the fact that yours is abusive even when he is not drinking strongly indicates that getting him sober will not make him less abusive. Some of the worst abusers I ever encountered professionally did not drink at all and did not take any drugs. Abuse comes from a sense of entitlement, and a need to control you and keep you under his thumb. That doesn't stem from drinking, it stems from his attitude toward you (and probably ANY woman he might be involved with).
Please get some help for yourself regardless of whether you stay or go.
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Originally Posted by Fandy
How can this be *better*?
WHO in their right mind drinks in the morning before work?
what is that much to "get upset" about before you leave the house?
it seems he has MANY anger issues, ALWAYS directed at others....his behavior is escalating, his moods depend on whether he is "calm" which happens after drinking, but then he has a switch that turns him into verbal abusive....this is going to turn up to physical abusive at some point. (and i hope I am wrong).
WHO in their right mind drinks in the morning before work?
what is that much to "get upset" about before you leave the house?
it seems he has MANY anger issues, ALWAYS directed at others....his behavior is escalating, his moods depend on whether he is "calm" which happens after drinking, but then he has a switch that turns him into verbal abusive....this is going to turn up to physical abusive at some point. (and i hope I am wrong).
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so in effect, you are WAITING for him to HIT you so you will have permission to end this. that can become a self-fulfilling prophecy....almost hoping he does. and then one day, drunk and upset about god knows what, he grabs you hard by the arms, and slams you into a wall......and you tell yourself, well he didn't HIT me, it wasn't THAT BAD........maybe the next time it's his hands around your throat......or you get thrown onto the couch....and you keep normalizing it.....
you are sitting with a ticking time bomb. the longer he drinks and stews and freely vents his anger, the more power he feels.....the more righteous....and you are his target, his victim. you've already been suffering abuse, it's just the kind that doesn't leave bruises.........
I hope you come to believe that this is not LIVING, that there is so much more to life than living under a alcoholic autocrat's rule.
you are sitting with a ticking time bomb. the longer he drinks and stews and freely vents his anger, the more power he feels.....the more righteous....and you are his target, his victim. you've already been suffering abuse, it's just the kind that doesn't leave bruises.........
I hope you come to believe that this is not LIVING, that there is so much more to life than living under a alcoholic autocrat's rule.
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
so in effect, you are WAITING for him to HIT you so you will have permission to end this. that can become a self-fulfilling prophecy....almost hoping he does. and then one day, drunk and upset about god knows what, he grabs you hard by the arms, and slams you into a wall......and you tell yourself, well he didn't HIT me, it wasn't THAT BAD........maybe the next time it's his hands around your throat......or you get thrown onto the couch....and you keep normalizing it.....
you are sitting with a ticking time bomb. the longer he drinks and stews and freely vents his anger, the more power he feels.....the more righteous....and you are his target, his victim. you've already been suffering abuse, it's just the kind that doesn't leave bruises.........
I hope you come to believe that this is not LIVING, that there is so much more to life than living under a alcoholic autocrat's rule.
you are sitting with a ticking time bomb. the longer he drinks and stews and freely vents his anger, the more power he feels.....the more righteous....and you are his target, his victim. you've already been suffering abuse, it's just the kind that doesn't leave bruises.........
I hope you come to believe that this is not LIVING, that there is so much more to life than living under a alcoholic autocrat's rule.
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Originally Posted by Justbreathe1980
We are watching a movie together at the moment, and he is being nice. But the reason my stomach still churns is because I don't know the next time he is going to fly off the handle about something
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Not to put words in Santa's mouth - Santa please correct me if I'm wrong - but I believe she means that when you lived with your parents, the presence of your parents and being in their house kept a small lid on your husband's behavior. There was a sort of fear of punishment, of consequences if he got out of control in their house.
Now that you're on your own there is no lid. He can and does do whatever he wants, says whatever nasty things come into his head, drinks as much as he wants. Nothing happens. You argue but that's it, the argument stops eventually and he can still do and say whatever he wants.
You told him you are fed up and thinking of divorce. His response is he doesn't like the word and a short time later he tells you to shut up. He is acting with impunity. He has no fear of "punishment" so to speak, for drinking or raging or being verbally abusive.
JustBreathe, I am sorry to sound harsh but I have to agree with Anvil, it also sounds to me like you are waiting for him to hit you, like that's your clear signal to leave. I really hope it does not happen.
Now that you're on your own there is no lid. He can and does do whatever he wants, says whatever nasty things come into his head, drinks as much as he wants. Nothing happens. You argue but that's it, the argument stops eventually and he can still do and say whatever he wants.
You told him you are fed up and thinking of divorce. His response is he doesn't like the word and a short time later he tells you to shut up. He is acting with impunity. He has no fear of "punishment" so to speak, for drinking or raging or being verbally abusive.
JustBreathe, I am sorry to sound harsh but I have to agree with Anvil, it also sounds to me like you are waiting for him to hit you, like that's your clear signal to leave. I really hope it does not happen.
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Originally Posted by Justbreathe1980
What does it mean when you say he is slinging his stuff with impunity.
Had to go back and look at some of my own stuff . . .
from bpdfamily.com
I am "somewhere" over there
====================
How to 'detach' and set boundaries if they won't let us?
I have come to view as someone using a toilet -- taking a dump on "us" as it were.
The folks dumping their crap do not really want the toilet to talk back.
You are supposed to just stand there and take the crap.
Are you a little more clear on the roles, now? grin grin
The folks dumping their crap do not really want the toilet to talk back.
You are supposed to just stand there and take the crap.
Are you a little more clear on the roles, now? grin grin
Storyline goes like this:
A Bear and a Rabbit are out in the Spring eating berries. After awhile both had to take a dump. The Rabbit goes to edge of the woods and poops out his little poops. The Bear comes over and lets the crap fly. And then rants, "I hate the way this S**t sticks to my fur!" The Rabbit mentions that it does not stick to his fur. The Bear looks over at the Rabbit and says, "In that case you will not mind . . ." And the Bear grabs the Rabbit and uses the Rabbit as toilet paper . . .
A Bear and a Rabbit are out in the Spring eating berries. After awhile both had to take a dump. The Rabbit goes to edge of the woods and poops out his little poops. The Bear comes over and lets the crap fly. And then rants, "I hate the way this S**t sticks to my fur!" The Rabbit mentions that it does not stick to his fur. The Bear looks over at the Rabbit and says, "In that case you will not mind . . ." And the Bear grabs the Rabbit and uses the Rabbit as toilet paper . . .
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I asked my husband today if he would ever hit a woman. He said he would only hit a woman if she kicked him down there, to which he would smack her. Otherwise, he said he would never hit me.
I guess it will all depend on when I hit my bottom with this relationship. There may be a time in which I get too fed up and leave to my parent's house, and then will tell my husband when he calls me that it is over. Until then, I will just continue to be (even though I know most of you would not support this.)
I guess it will all depend on when I hit my bottom with this relationship. There may be a time in which I get too fed up and leave to my parent's house, and then will tell my husband when he calls me that it is over. Until then, I will just continue to be (even though I know most of you would not support this.)
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justbreathe: 53500 explained exactly what I meant.
This is the reason it is common for abusers to work to separate the other person from family and friends - makes it much easier to do what they want without interference.
Whether he hits you or not, is this really what you want for your life? Who decided your purpose in life is to take his crap?
This is the reason it is common for abusers to work to separate the other person from family and friends - makes it much easier to do what they want without interference.
Whether he hits you or not, is this really what you want for your life? Who decided your purpose in life is to take his crap?
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You do have to hit your bottom. I put up with a lot of awful verbal abuse before I hit mine. I wish I had left sooner & spared myself so much pain. It hasn't been all that long since I left & I am happy. Truly happy & relieved. I wish everyone going through this would leave now to avoid the pain I went through. I do wish you would leave now, so you don't go through what I did. But I completely understand. This is your marriage & your decision. No one on here wants to see you get hurt any more than you already have.
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JustBreathe....I can see that you do not want to leave. It is natural--because we are a compassionate group--that we want to spare you pain.
I don't know what your particular bottom is....
I do think that the following adage always holds true: "We take action when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the thought of change." (from the cocoon and butterfly story).
dandylion
I don't know what your particular bottom is....
I do think that the following adage always holds true: "We take action when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the thought of change." (from the cocoon and butterfly story).
dandylion
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Originally Posted by Justbreathe1980
I asked my husband today if he would ever hit a woman. He said he would only hit a woman if she kicked him down there, to which he would smack her. Otherwise, he said he would never hit me.
I guess it will all depend on when I hit my bottom with this relationship. There may be a time in which I get too fed up and leave to my parent's house, and then will tell my husband when he calls me that it is over. Until then, I will just continue to be (even though I know most of you would not support this.)
I guess it will all depend on when I hit my bottom with this relationship. There may be a time in which I get too fed up and leave to my parent's house, and then will tell my husband when he calls me that it is over. Until then, I will just continue to be (even though I know most of you would not support this.)
Do you have any real life support- Alanon or Celebrate Recovery or a similar group? I think that having a support system nearby (besides HIS family) would have made a huge difference for me. I would have left sooner if I'd had someplace to go besides a shelter.
Take care of yourself and keep posting.
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