meggem

So. The girls are going with him this weekend and big girl is on an antibiotic (strep). He emailed about the meds and then went on to say… “thank you for all you do for the girls..I’m sure it’s hard being on your own….I know you do the best you can.. I wish I could do more.. wish things were different….you are a good mother.” WIERD.

On the way to work I am thinking of different responses, one of them being no response. One of them being “what’s wrong with you -why are you complimenting me” One of them being “thank you” one of them being “thank you” and some dialogue

Part of me thinks he is not worthy of my appreciation of compliments. He doesn’t get the satisfaction of me saying “thank you” or elaborating on his statements about how it must be hard. Forget the marriage, he has done nothing but tear me to SHREDS since June. Sure it’s been quiet lately, but still. I’m not sure he deserves a ‘feel good’ from me. I could pretend he’s normal and respond like he’s normal and then who knows what he is going to say in 1-2-3 weeks. Then I will be mad at myself.

He sounds sincere and genuine and part of me does want to respond in kind. But I don’t think I will. I wouldn’t sleep with someone on the first date and I am not going to let my guard down after one email (of what appears to be) sincere compliments.

Thoughts?

FeelingGreat

I think you're right Meggem. Best not to engage, but I hope this is a sign he's going to be easier to deal with. just remember, it's limited to necessary communication, not a relationship between you two.

It would be good for the girls if you can both make it nice.

biminiblue

He has a lot of currency to put in that bank before he's due any interest.

I wouldn't reply either.

Eauchiche

Like you, I would be bowled over by this. This is one of those nuggets others have posted about, that gets thrown to the chickens once in a while.
From what I've heard, this kind of compliment would be frequent in a healthy marriage.
The problem with the alcoholic, is that tomorrow they can be right after the jugular again.

lizatola

My AH throws this one out all the time. The issue isn't that it's not sincere, because I truly believe my AH is sincere. The issue is the dysfunction that lies all around it and that hasn't been addressed yet. For me, I had to remember that just the day before he was snarky and judgmental or passive aggressive or whatever. I truly do think he's honest when he tells me I'm a good mother and when he tells me that he knows I'll land on my feet and that he' sorry that our marriage has to end. It's just that, for just as much truth as there is in that, there is also truth in the fact that he's still sick. He's still an untreated alcoholic and that I choose not to be married to the disease anymore. I just can't, no matter what compliments or nice things he says. It breaks my heart because I hear the real truth from him, yet I know the other side of things too.

My theory is; if he really wants me back he will work on himself and find recovery as a divorced man and maybe he will come back to me as a changed person who is emotionally healthy enough for a relationship. In the meantime, I'm going to move on with my life because it's the best thing I can do for myself and for our son.

hopeful4

Oh my X pulls that all the time. Thing is, he may say in the next sentence that I am screwing up this or that and that I should work on that. LOL. Don't engage, it's so not worth it. You don't need him to tell you that you are a good mother. You are doing what you have to do because that is who you are. You are no longer with him because of who he is and what he has done to you and your family.

It's easy to forget when you are not around them all the time. Please keep the focus on YOU!!!

meggem

thanks guys.. I got something out of all of your replies. And hopeful you are SO right, regardless of sincerety I don't need him to tell me I'm a good mother and the like. I'm with me now, and that is who I answer to.

I'm ignorning. F him.

NYCDoglvr

I wouldn't take anything he says seriously. It's just words, talk. With alcoholics it's actions that matter.

hopeful4

LOL...well you go girl!

firebolt

Ahh those damned crumbs. My ABF has been sober for 3 days, and then I catch myself starting to swoon again. 3 days in 4 years.

PSHHH. Thats nothin hun. We both know the hot messes lurking below.

Bullfrog

Mine does that. Then within 24 hours will come a hail of verbal abuse, so I try to detach from all of it.

lillamy

Sometimes, my 12-year-old will come up from her room and have this sht-eating grin on her face and say in a very particular, light almost baby voice: "Hi Mommy, worlds-best-Mommy-ever, have I told you lately how much I love you? I don't tell you that enough, you know. I love you I love you I love you"

and at that point, I usually put down what I'm doing, look her in the eye, and say, "What do you want?"

That's what came to mind when I read your post.

Sure. He might have come to some kind of enlightenment and realized what an amazing mother you are -- but given your experience with him, doesn't it sound more likely that he's telling you what he knows you want to hear so that you will do what he wants you to do?

(And just to clarify -- when my kids tell me they love me in a genuine way, I don't respond that way. It's only when I KNOW they're after something and THEY know I know. )

Eauchiche

I wonder if an IV infusion of Milk of Magnesia would aid in their recovery?