Wilderness

Hi, I'm new to all of this...But having snooped for some time, I think it's a safe place to share and vent. I have zero experience with alcoholism, so I'm very lost.

My BF is a sweet, caring, intelligent guy. That being said, he is also an alcoholic that tries very hard to hide it. I caught him drinking at 5am once! He hides cans in the shed, the garage, his pickup...wherever! He tells me that he has a "few beers" a day...But intuitively I know it's more than that. I have pleaded and cried, I have broken up with him, I have gone the angry and merciless route...He makes so many promises and yet nothing happens. The only sort of "progress" that we've made at all is that I have convinced him that he needs to stop hiding it...So he now visibly drinks a beer or two in front of me in the evenings...But I just don't buy it. Something in me says that he is just hiding the actual amount that he NEEDS to drink every day. I cannot convince him to seek treatment. He claims he can take care of it on his own and that he can stop whenever he wants.

Now let's throw in some complications...I am 8 months pregnant with his baby and I have two other children from a previous marriage. I have hidden this situation incredibly well from my family and my kids. I talk with his mom and his sister occasionally about it, they are well aware that he has a problem, but it does nothing to help. Emotionally I am a mess. Honestly, I know that it should be an easy decision...pack up and get out! But he isn't a bar go-er, he is helpful, he is so sweet to me, and I truly love the guy. His drinking is the one thing I would change about him...How do you learn to let go of someone like that? Or is there hope? Are there success stories out there? Suggestions?! Anything...Because I am miserable.

Refiner

I think you should find an Alanon group and start going to meetings. Others will come along with advice on how this should help you. It's a program to work on YOU and what you're going through to give you the emotional tools for yourself. I just wanted to say welcome! And I wish you well...

CodeJob

Why are you hiding this from your family? You need their support.

There is a saying you might like to ponder, 'You are only as sick as your secrets.'

Welcome welcome welcome!

Wilderness

Thanks for the welcome! I have always been somewhat of a black sheep...I thought I really had my life totally together and I think my family thinks the same thing. Admitting that I have connected myself to an alcoholic seems like such a huge defeat. Terrible reasoning, I know

biminiblue

I've been in bad relationships, too. Going in I thought they were great guys. After some time passed, they couldn't keep up the façade.

I have no problem getting out the moment I understand there is a problem. (Well, within a reasonable time...not the actual "moment" usually.) My family was much less concerned when I had broken up with them. You cannot know how a person really is at first. It's like a job interview, everyone is on their best behavior. Once they get the job, they can still get fired for having their hand in the till.

Let go or be dragged.

lillamy

Hey,

That's how I reasoned, too. When I realized the guy I had married was an alcoholic, I was also about 8 months pregnant with our first child. I was too proud to admit I had made a mistake. I didn't want my family to be right. So I stayed. I hid everything from them. For 20 years.

Pride is an awful thing that makes us make bad decisions.

Alcoholism isn't a "little" problem with an otherwise wonderful person. It's not like "he'd be perfect if he only put the toilet roll in the right way." Alcoholism is something that will break YOU down, and set your child up for a very, very difficult life, even if you are not the one downing the drinks.

I would recommend learning a whole lot about alcoholism in a big hurry. And if I could go back and redo things, I would have told my family. And probably moved back with them.

dandylion

Wilderness....WELCOME! I am glad that you came here to share your story.

Being that you are 8months....I think that your most pressing issue, right now is to get some IMMEDIATE support (in addition to us, of course..LOl). You will get immediate support and understanding, without judgement, at your local alanon group.
You will be warmly welcomed, there....and you are going to need some understanding people that you can call on around the time of your delivery and post-partum period. People that you can be candid and honest with.
You don't have much time until the blessed event...so, I would suggest that you do this immediately...so that you have your support already in place. Other women-- who have been in your same shoes (or worse).

Really...I sincerely believe that that is the best gift you can give yourself and your babe at this time.

dandylion

FireSprite

Yeah, I did that too. I thought the humiliation would kill me. I think I was more protective of myself than AH by then - not wanting others to realize how weak I'd let myself become, how much of a pushover. I was the one everyone ELSE came to for advice, not the other way around!!!

Even after I had opened up it took me forever to form the words to actually ask for help without it feeling like bile rising inside. (I mean months & months of building better communication, but it got easier.....)

In reaching out, I was surprised to find that instead of keeping me down I felt free. I didn't have to hide my secrets in a dark closet any longer. My network was shocked but immediately pitched in to help with anything I needed. I was also surprised to find that they were happy to feel needed, to do for me what I'd done for them in so many ways. It even helped me to create better boundaries & relationships with them because of all the truth talking we did.

Welcome to SR!

Latte

Alanaon.

Welcome.

SeriousKarma

Hi Wilderness. I'm glad you decided to come out of the shadows and join us.

Congratulations on your baby! Sounds like you'll be having a little winter baby to snuggle up with and keep you warm.

I agree with everyone else about Alanon. Try and hit as many meetings as possible before the baby is born. I was married to one of those fatally flawed great guys, and I know how difficult it can be. We can't change them, but we can sure waste a lot of time trying. Once we learn to recalibrate, and refocus that wasted energy back onto ourselves a whole new world opens up.

Your children need a mother who is strong, and healthy, and happy. You don't need to be miserable. There are plenty of success stories out there. Where to look for that success story, however, may not be so much with you BF as with yourself.

Another thing... I kept it all a secret from my family for over 20 years as well. Best thing I ever did was open up and start telling my truth. People are a lot more understanding than we think they're going to be. Besides, who doesn't know an alcoholic?

Wilderness

Thank you all so much for taking the time to respond...It feels great knowing I am not alone! Yay SR!

I have to admit that it is SO hard just focusing on me...But I am definitely aware that he isn't really thinking of our daughter and I. I guess I wanted a fairy tale ending so badly that I remained in denial a lot longer than I should have. I live in a very rural area so my local AlAnon is a long drive, so it may only happen a few times. Thank goodness I have wireless and this website! One of the toughest things was having no one to talk to! I have felt so alone!

SeriousKarma

Amen to that!

Ok, so at least we've got that problem partially covered by you finding us here at SR.

I believe Alanon has online meetings, though I'm not sure how good of a substitute they are for the actual meetings. Maybe someone else here knows more about that.

You might want to try and get to at least one or two meetings before the baby comes. If for no other reason than to get your hands on some of their literature, and meet some people. A physical way of taking the focus off of him and put it on you. Maybe it's just me, but some times I have to actually do something in order to start doing something. (Did that make sense?)

Have you ever thought about talking to a therapist? Are there any closer than the Alanon group? If you do, I would suggest quite strongly that you find a therapist that has knowledge about addiction and all that it entails regarding the family. Some don't, and talking to them can be a colossal waste of time.

Wilderness, I'm going to be blunt here, Please forgive me if I'm going to far. You're about to have a baby, winter is around the corner, you live in a rural area, and you're partner is an alcoholic. I think it's very important that you take extra care of your own needs, both physically and emotionally, right now. I was blind sided by those d@mn baby blues when I had my daughter 17 years ago, and I think it had a lot to do with worrying about my husband's drinking, and being isolated from my support networks. We had just moved with the Army to a new state, and I didn't even know my neighbors. It was horrible. Please take care of yourself.

Wilderness

It makes absolute perfect sense. I agree that I have to take care of myself now more than ever. I have spent so much of this pregnancy crying and stressed, I feel super ashamed about that...Poor baby doesn't deserve that! I am inspired to make contact with AlAnon, but I do believe there is a local therapist that specializes in addiction counseling. I also want to come clean with my family.

Thank you for being blunt. I NEED that. Too many people want to sugar coat and dance around the truth. What's the point in that?