So he's drinking again
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 39
So he's drinking again
Long time no see. I've been coming and reading, but almost never replying. Mostly because I feel like I have nothing to say that would help the person posting.
I need you guys, So here I am making a long post. Sorry...
Let's recap a little. I've been with my bf for 2 and 1/2 years.
I knew he was an addict -I mean that in the past tense. He was sober and drug free when we started going out. Very soon he started using again. Vodka was his booze of choice. And coke.
I could face his drunk self, but at some point he'd start craving coke... that was hard. Too hard.
I told him very soon coke was going to be our downfall if he didn't get help. I learn the hard way trying to help him wasn't going to work if he didn't want to stop using.
Last october, things started being crazy. He had trouble breathing, he was tired all the time (way more than usual). We went to the ER 3 times in a month and they kept telling us he had bronchitis (but never giving any meds to help him get rid of it). He had a very bad week where he did coke almost every day. He kept saying that was the only way he felt decent to move around (which I realise now WAS true for him, but could have killed him at any moment).
Turns out he had pulmonary embolism (blood clots in both his lungs) and pulmonary hypertension. He was given bloodthinners. Obviously with the drinking, the meds weren't working so well. When he felt better he'd try to go back to work, then realised he couldn't and went back to his "coke for a whole week" pattern.
I realised he didn't care. At that point I was so freaking stressed about everything because I thought he was going to die on me. We hardly talked (mostly screamed at each other) and obviously he emptied the bank account with the money he'd been saving.
That's when I knew I couldn't stay anymore. I didn't want to leave but I realised my mind was going dark places. It felt like I couldn't be with him but at the same time, that I couldn't be without him (codependency sucks...). Every day I thought of new ways to kill myself. I knew I couldn't let him destroy me. So I went back to my parents.
And obviously I made the mistake of not being able to cut all ties. Because I love him. And besides everything that happened I know he loves me.
Depression hit me hard. Him too, obviously. He was too weak to look for a job (being winter, his regular job was done) so he lost the appartment and went to his mother's. Doctors agreed he needed surgery to get rid of the blood clots. So he had open heart surgery last february.
I started working again. But my contract had an end date. So the contract came to an end mid-september and now I'm looking for another job. Depression is still kicking. His depression is pretty bad too.
BUT he was sober and NOT using. 10 months sober ! He had been sober since beginning of the year. His bloodthinners are doing their job. His heart meds are helping him. But he still can't work. And he's always been a working kind of guy.
He just admitted to me that he's been drinking again. "Not so much" he said. He's afraid because he sees the pattern starting again.
What about me? I'm lost. I don't know what to do anymore. I am so afraid of living in fear of finding him dead somewhere in the house like last year.
I know you are all going to tell me I need to let him go. That's what my head tells me. But my heart is still very much kicking love signals.
Thanks for hearing me (=reading me). I needed to pour what's going on in my head.
I need you guys, So here I am making a long post. Sorry...
Let's recap a little. I've been with my bf for 2 and 1/2 years.
I knew he was an addict -I mean that in the past tense. He was sober and drug free when we started going out. Very soon he started using again. Vodka was his booze of choice. And coke.
I could face his drunk self, but at some point he'd start craving coke... that was hard. Too hard.
I told him very soon coke was going to be our downfall if he didn't get help. I learn the hard way trying to help him wasn't going to work if he didn't want to stop using.
Last october, things started being crazy. He had trouble breathing, he was tired all the time (way more than usual). We went to the ER 3 times in a month and they kept telling us he had bronchitis (but never giving any meds to help him get rid of it). He had a very bad week where he did coke almost every day. He kept saying that was the only way he felt decent to move around (which I realise now WAS true for him, but could have killed him at any moment).
Turns out he had pulmonary embolism (blood clots in both his lungs) and pulmonary hypertension. He was given bloodthinners. Obviously with the drinking, the meds weren't working so well. When he felt better he'd try to go back to work, then realised he couldn't and went back to his "coke for a whole week" pattern.
I realised he didn't care. At that point I was so freaking stressed about everything because I thought he was going to die on me. We hardly talked (mostly screamed at each other) and obviously he emptied the bank account with the money he'd been saving.
That's when I knew I couldn't stay anymore. I didn't want to leave but I realised my mind was going dark places. It felt like I couldn't be with him but at the same time, that I couldn't be without him (codependency sucks...). Every day I thought of new ways to kill myself. I knew I couldn't let him destroy me. So I went back to my parents.
And obviously I made the mistake of not being able to cut all ties. Because I love him. And besides everything that happened I know he loves me.
Depression hit me hard. Him too, obviously. He was too weak to look for a job (being winter, his regular job was done) so he lost the appartment and went to his mother's. Doctors agreed he needed surgery to get rid of the blood clots. So he had open heart surgery last february.
I started working again. But my contract had an end date. So the contract came to an end mid-september and now I'm looking for another job. Depression is still kicking. His depression is pretty bad too.
BUT he was sober and NOT using. 10 months sober ! He had been sober since beginning of the year. His bloodthinners are doing their job. His heart meds are helping him. But he still can't work. And he's always been a working kind of guy.
He just admitted to me that he's been drinking again. "Not so much" he said. He's afraid because he sees the pattern starting again.
What about me? I'm lost. I don't know what to do anymore. I am so afraid of living in fear of finding him dead somewhere in the house like last year.
I know you are all going to tell me I need to let him go. That's what my head tells me. But my heart is still very much kicking love signals.
Thanks for hearing me (=reading me). I needed to pour what's going on in my head.
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