Feeling guilty for not leaving ExAH earlier
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Surrey BC
Posts: 1
Feeling guilty for not leaving ExAH earlier
I'm grateful for this forum for teaching me about alcoholism and helping me make the decision to leave my husband. This is my first post, partly to vent and also hoping for guidance.
I have just learned about my 16 yr old daughter's new boyfriend with the help of social media. He got expelled from school last year because he brought a gun to school. He was also dealing drugs. He was using pot, coke and alcohol. His parents sent him away and he got sober. He says he learned to use deep breathing and meditation to help feel better instead of getting high. My daughter had only told me that he is going to a boarding school far away and visiting on breaks - she wouldn't tell me why. He's not sober any more because there is a recent picture of him, my daughter and two friends with an empty large bottle of alcohol. And I know (though don't approve) that my daughter smokes weed every weekend with her friends, and I'm not sure how often she drinks. She sleeps over at friends' houses on the weekend, something she started a year or two ago when my ex and I were fighting so much it was not easy to be at home.
My husband and I were together for over 25 years. I didn't realize he was an alcoholic, just knew that any alcohol we bought didn't stay in the house for very long. He got drunk about once a month, but I was in my early 20's so I didn't think much of it. I have never been much of a drinker. I started asking him to drink less in 2006. At that time he was only getting drunk a few times a year, but he was starting to numb himself by drinking whenever he had a bad day or was upset, sad, etc. He doesn't know how to deal with negative emotions other than pushing them down. Or yelling - he is passive aggressive and will explode with anger once he can't hold it in anymore. A couple of years ago he was drinking most days. He came home from work and drank until he went to sleep. On the weekend he started drinking at noon and his day consisted of watching sports on tv and drinking until he fell asleep. He said he was too low in energy to go for a walk with me (or do something fun), mow the lawn (or get other chores done). He told me that he didn't have a drinking problem - that I was over-reacting - that he was just doing what all guys did, and having a beer while watching the game. After a marriage retreat to save our marriage he agreed to drink max 1-2 drinks per day, but found he was unable to do that, so he made up new rules for himself. He was sober Mon-Thurs (except if we went to a restaurant during the week) and drank two bottles of wine or a six pack and a bottle of wine every day of the weekend. He had to go to the liquour store on Fri, Sat and Sun because if there was alcohol in the house he would drink it until he was too tired from drinking. By reading this forum and reading other sources I realized that he was heading in a direction I didn't want to be around for. I also believed I was doing/giving 90% and he was doing/giving 10%. We put the house up for sale and separated in May.
The guilt is because I stayed with him longer than I could have. I did it because I loved him and I promised myself as a child that I would never put my kids through a divorce (my parents separated when I was 11). If I had left him earlier, she would have seen healthy relationships rather than witnessing an unhealthy one for so long. there was many years of fighting because I was frustrated about his lack of participation in housework, childcare, etc and lots of criticism from him that I wasn't up to his standards of behaviour. I could have put my energy towards improving my self-esteem and hers, rather than trying to save a sinking ship of a marriage.
I'm not sure what to do with this new knowledge of her boyfriend. She and I are not close anymore and she now spends 50% of her time living with her dad, who only wants her to like him and will not say anything that will interfere with that.
I have just learned about my 16 yr old daughter's new boyfriend with the help of social media. He got expelled from school last year because he brought a gun to school. He was also dealing drugs. He was using pot, coke and alcohol. His parents sent him away and he got sober. He says he learned to use deep breathing and meditation to help feel better instead of getting high. My daughter had only told me that he is going to a boarding school far away and visiting on breaks - she wouldn't tell me why. He's not sober any more because there is a recent picture of him, my daughter and two friends with an empty large bottle of alcohol. And I know (though don't approve) that my daughter smokes weed every weekend with her friends, and I'm not sure how often she drinks. She sleeps over at friends' houses on the weekend, something she started a year or two ago when my ex and I were fighting so much it was not easy to be at home.
My husband and I were together for over 25 years. I didn't realize he was an alcoholic, just knew that any alcohol we bought didn't stay in the house for very long. He got drunk about once a month, but I was in my early 20's so I didn't think much of it. I have never been much of a drinker. I started asking him to drink less in 2006. At that time he was only getting drunk a few times a year, but he was starting to numb himself by drinking whenever he had a bad day or was upset, sad, etc. He doesn't know how to deal with negative emotions other than pushing them down. Or yelling - he is passive aggressive and will explode with anger once he can't hold it in anymore. A couple of years ago he was drinking most days. He came home from work and drank until he went to sleep. On the weekend he started drinking at noon and his day consisted of watching sports on tv and drinking until he fell asleep. He said he was too low in energy to go for a walk with me (or do something fun), mow the lawn (or get other chores done). He told me that he didn't have a drinking problem - that I was over-reacting - that he was just doing what all guys did, and having a beer while watching the game. After a marriage retreat to save our marriage he agreed to drink max 1-2 drinks per day, but found he was unable to do that, so he made up new rules for himself. He was sober Mon-Thurs (except if we went to a restaurant during the week) and drank two bottles of wine or a six pack and a bottle of wine every day of the weekend. He had to go to the liquour store on Fri, Sat and Sun because if there was alcohol in the house he would drink it until he was too tired from drinking. By reading this forum and reading other sources I realized that he was heading in a direction I didn't want to be around for. I also believed I was doing/giving 90% and he was doing/giving 10%. We put the house up for sale and separated in May.
The guilt is because I stayed with him longer than I could have. I did it because I loved him and I promised myself as a child that I would never put my kids through a divorce (my parents separated when I was 11). If I had left him earlier, she would have seen healthy relationships rather than witnessing an unhealthy one for so long. there was many years of fighting because I was frustrated about his lack of participation in housework, childcare, etc and lots of criticism from him that I wasn't up to his standards of behaviour. I could have put my energy towards improving my self-esteem and hers, rather than trying to save a sinking ship of a marriage.
I'm not sure what to do with this new knowledge of her boyfriend. She and I are not close anymore and she now spends 50% of her time living with her dad, who only wants her to like him and will not say anything that will interfere with that.
Welcome to SR, Dancingball!
I can relate to this very much. I married and had kids with an alcoholic and was dead set against divorce. Once I did leave, the magnitude of the damage done to the kids hit me. It's taken me years to get over the bulk of the guilt and shame -- it still sticks its head up in a crisis; whenever one of the kids gets into some kind of trouble or hits a depression low, I blame myself.
Here's the thing, though: You tried keeping the family afloat. You gave your daughter everything you could, while surviving in an impossible situation. You are not the one who's to blame, he is. You left when you were able to leave.
Forgiving ourselves as parents is the hardest thing. Part of what has worked for me (sometimes) is to remind myself that whatever I did in the past, I can't change it. I can beat myself up over it, or I can use that energy to build a better future.
It's hard with kids that age -- I have a daughter the same age. They're pulling away from parental authority as they're supposed to, and at the same time, you worry yourself sick and silly about what of all the things they learned (the stuff you meant them to and the stuff you didn't) they're taking with them out into the world.
And sharing custody of a teenager with an alcoholic must be very difficult. The advice my therapist gave me was to just focus on providing a healthy home with healthy boundaries, and trust that the kids will "choose" that over the "no boundaries you can do whatever you like" surroundings that it sounds like your ex is providing.
I'm glad you're here. This is a good place to be when you're hurting. If you can find an Al-Anon meeting, those helped me tons, as well.
The guilt is because I stayed with him longer than I could have. I did it because I loved him and I promised myself as a child that I would never put my kids through a divorce (my parents separated when I was 11). If I had left him earlier, she would have seen healthy relationships rather than witnessing an unhealthy one for so long. there was many years of fighting because I was frustrated about his lack of participation in housework, childcare, etc and lots of criticism from him that I wasn't up to his standards of behaviour. I could have put my energy towards improving my self-esteem and hers, rather than trying to save a sinking ship of a marriage.
Here's the thing, though: You tried keeping the family afloat. You gave your daughter everything you could, while surviving in an impossible situation. You are not the one who's to blame, he is. You left when you were able to leave.
Forgiving ourselves as parents is the hardest thing. Part of what has worked for me (sometimes) is to remind myself that whatever I did in the past, I can't change it. I can beat myself up over it, or I can use that energy to build a better future.
It's hard with kids that age -- I have a daughter the same age. They're pulling away from parental authority as they're supposed to, and at the same time, you worry yourself sick and silly about what of all the things they learned (the stuff you meant them to and the stuff you didn't) they're taking with them out into the world.
And sharing custody of a teenager with an alcoholic must be very difficult. The advice my therapist gave me was to just focus on providing a healthy home with healthy boundaries, and trust that the kids will "choose" that over the "no boundaries you can do whatever you like" surroundings that it sounds like your ex is providing.
I'm glad you're here. This is a good place to be when you're hurting. If you can find an Al-Anon meeting, those helped me tons, as well.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)