meggem

I’ve been reading other boards and am seeing a lot of a’s in recovery that really saw no change for themselves for the first year plus some, but stayed sober nonetheless and can now describe their life sober and how great it is, and how the first “few years” were really rough - basically describing my A with regard to emotions and moods..

A thought came in my mind. Did I not “wait” long enough? He was 9 months sober when I left and the change in him was minimal. 3 months of continued h*ll when I left. I haven’t heard anything ugly from him in a bit. I almost find the 3 months of ugly after I left equally if not more insulting than the 7 year marriage.

Was I supposed to wait a little longer? Did I leave someone with cancer during their 3rd chemo treatment or something? Even if I did, I think I’m ok with it because he just destroyed any possible thing I could feel for him or do for him. Everything. Nothing was sacred to him. Nothing was “off limits”. Even the “off limits” topics were touched upon once or twice.

I really think my a has a lot of other issues aside from alcoholism. He has major anger management issues. Well at least he did. We have had a few necessary kid exchanges and he is acting like a normal person.

I don’t know what I’m saying. But this is the thought that has been in my mind the last few days I have been lurking on other boards..

biminiblue

Lots of relationships fail.

I left a couple of them that were just miserable and getting no better. Maybe they (the men) wanted out and were trying to force me to do it - maybe they were testing me. Maybe they had someone else in the wings. Maybe I didn't have the cajones to stay in a miserable relationship.

I was miserable. I left. Period.

There were second guesses. I feel I gave them my best shot and that wasn't enough. One of them was a serial cheater, one was incapable of any emotion and was gone 18 hours a day seven days a week doing God knows what including cocaine/pot/alcohol, one was a sociopath. I don't feel there is anything I could have done - nor did I want to.


When it's over it's over, megg.

Calmwater

That's the conclusion I'm having to come to. When it's over, it's over. My AH just started recovery, and he called over and over that week. Before that he was out completely messing up his life, so contact was a bit sporadic. I was still hoping that somehow we could get past everything, but being around him and hearing from him more just made me feel sick. I'm not trying to be mean, it literally did! Like all the life and energy were being sucked out of me, I felt tired and weak. I realized that I just couldn't do it anymore, not to be dramatic, but I feel like my soul is being smothered. We are in no contact right now, so next week I have to tell him. I feel like a jerk, "glad your finally getting help but I'm done!" But I am, I have to be for me. I have some of the same thoughts you do, but it all boils down to the fact that I just can't anymore, and I don't want to. You made the right choice for you, and that's the best any of us can do.

meggem

thanks bimini - oh I know what you mean about the "sick" part calmwater, he truly does make me feel sick. The sound of his laugh makes me ill. The way he walks, everything about him really. But I feel the same as you. I had nothing left and I had no respect for him and wasn't interested at all in fixing any of that.

I guess a part of me wonders sometimes..and wonders if that guy in the beginning was real or not.

lillamy

I'm a different person now than I was when I was married to AXH. I put up with two decades of increased hellishness. Now? I would not put up with three months. Regardless of reason.

NWGRITS

Some people have the thinking that when the A finds recovery, everything is supposed to just be perfect and everybody's happy. It doesn't work like that. There's a lot of time and change and even pain following rehab. Sometimes the damage done is too great to ever allow for a mending of the relationship. And there's nothing wrong with being done before the "recommended" milestones. Being a martyr for this cause won't win you any posthumous awards.

meggem

Did I sound like a martyr

lillamy

NO, not at all. I'm just concerned that you might be second-guessing a decision that seems remarkably wise and sane.

FireSprite

No, I don't think so.

IDK Meg - this is one of those things you have to decide & know for yourself. I still go back & forth.

The thing that makes me hold on for now is seeing an honest desire & intent to stay sober & become a better person even if he isn't always as successful as either of us would like.

It's been a year since RAH recommitted to recovery so I have been thinking about this a lot lately, stepping back & trying to gauge what growth I see vs. the same old behaviors. Based on what I see/know from my side of the street I think the growth outweighs the old stagnant behaviors being carried forward, so that's how I am basing my decision today.

meggem

I'm not second guessing ..but I'm something. Maybe I should stay away from the other boards. I'm not sure what to be feeling and thinking and part of me wonders if I am creating drama in my head because I feel like that is what I should be doing and I feel at a loss without it.

I do wonder from time to time if the beginning guy was real. Do you think he was real lill?

lillamy

So... when you're in an abusive relationship, there's a cycle: He loves you, then he's irritated with you, then the pressure increases, and then it explodes in violence. And once the violence is over, you feel relieved, because it's over for this time and the pressure is lower. I think sometimes, living with the drama of an alcoholic does the same thing to us: Once the drama is gone, anxiety goes off the charts because we keep expecting the other shoe to drop. We keep fearing it, waiting for it, and sometimes creating drama because it relieves the pressure, if that makes sense?

Who knows what was and wasn't real, Meg. I've asked myself that, too -- and I've come to terms with the fact that I don't know. I have no idea what was going on in his head, I just know that for me, it was real, I was serious, it was love. And that's all that I can ever really know.

hopeful4

I thought my XAH was doing ok too until last week. The thing is, even if he stayed good and sober, you would be walking on eggshells with worry all the time. You deserve a better life than one full of hell and anxiety.

maia1234

Every day Meg, I wished my husband got sober and we lived happily ever after. I see more people that don't live that way then do. I became mentally, and physically exhausted living the crazy life. 99% of the non drinking homes are normal. I have just lived in crazy and expected nothing but crazy. I don't want that anymore. If he chooses to get sober it will be his gig. I will direct him to friends and then mind my own biz. What I have done for 30 years hasnt' worked so its his turn (if ever) to take care of him self.

meggem

you are on a great path maia.. I've been reading your posts. You sound very strong!!

Shellcrusher

My RAW is picking up her 90 day coin today. I'm proud of her hard work but guess what? That means I'm picking up my 90 day chip in Al-Anon and they don't even give chips...

Point is this. Recovery ain't all peaches and cream and while I am proud of my RAW, I'm ecstatic about myself. There's a certain transformation in my own thinking which has nothing to do with my RAW.

We all move at our own pace and nobody else here is qualified to answer the questions your asking. All I can say is this.

The world is far more exciting once I stopped focusing so much on my RAW and started working on myself. Truth is, I left myself a long time ago and that's where I try and focus my thinking today.

schnappi99

double thanks shellcrusher- says everything I'd like to say about her recovery, and mine.

Bullfrog

I started questioning when and how I left recently, with a wise Al-Anon friend. She said, "You are in the grief process and I suspect you are in the bargaining stage." She was right. It is what it is, and it was what it was.

NWGRITS

I didn't mean to say you were being a martyr, but some people get so fixated on how it's supposed to be, or they feel like failures at life if their marriage falls apart (that's one that I don't personally think I'll ever understand), so they will continue to throw themselves under the bus for the sake of saving a dysfunctional relationship. There are no awards for staying in an unhappy relationship. No medals, no trophies. Plenty of people around you wondering why on earth you'd choose to stay, but they don't live it. I'd rather go and he shape up for good than stay and he never gets out of the bottle for long. Who knows, he could rally work a program and change and a couple of years from now you both might be in a place to reconcile. Leaving now doesn't necessarily mean you have to stay gone forever.

maia1234

Meg,
Thanks for saying that I sound strong. I really am not at all. I wasted so many of my years on this planet trying to "help him" get sober. Boy was I so wrong.

I am just so exhausted fighting this irrational person on everything. I have a 2 more nights in the house together and we are done with each other. He is so angry that I am buying this town home and he is renting a place 35 minutes away from where we live now. So he is just raging constantly at me. My daughter told me to ignore him because he is just jealous of what I am doing. But the rage and anger is so much to bare. I call him Angry Andy and he tells me that I keep calling him names. That "he" doesn't stoop to that level.

Oh my God. I am so exhausted fighting his constant quacking. He wines about everything and I can't stand listening. Again today I went NC, again. Will see how long I can go.... I hope maybe 2 or 3 YEARS!!

But thanks for your support. We are all defiantly stronger in numbers!!

POAndrea

Ouch. This feels more familiar than I care to admit. But it does persist, even though I too left, so it's something I need to admit and think about.