Understanding vs. Accepting
 

I had one particularly unhealthy relationship in my past. I loved this man, I thought, in some magical way like no other man on the planet. In other words, I was obsessed.

When he broke up with me, I felt shattered into a million little pieces. It was an overwhelming grief and pain.

From inside my pain, I kept telling myself and others that I wanted to understand why he did what he did. Why would he tell me one thing on one day, and then break up with me the next? Didn’t he mean all the things he said? Someone who loved me would not toss me aside—would not choose to leave me!

I told myself at the time that understanding what he was thinking would help ease the pain I was feeling.

With time and distance from the relationship (see Dandylion's thread :)) and a lot of honest reflection, here’s the truth (and it’s not pretty):

I wanted to know the ‘real reason’ (to understand) so that I could argue against it and change his mind.

The additional truth and what finally brought me peace?

No amount of my understanding the situation was going to change that one, bottom-line, unwavering fact—he did not want to be in a relationship with me anymore.

Once I accepted this fact (whether I understood it or not) I could grieve, mourn, and weep. I could work through the pain because there was nothing keeping me from it anymore.

I had not wanted to face it, but when I did, and I worked through the grief, I ultimately recovered my joy and my life!

I’m writing this from the ‘other side’. It is possible to have joy again, to love again, to be happy! For those who are struggling and in pain over the end of a relationship, please be kind to yourself and know that if someone breaks up with you, it does not mean you are unlovable.

You are wonderfully and amazingly you! You are a miracle all by yourself :)

Seren.....your words are so very true.

dandylion

Beautifully articulated, Seren, thank you!

Yep, and the same holds true for the alcoholic. I've seen many people stuck trying to "figure out" why they drink, what happened that makes them the way they are.

And it doesn't make a lick of difference WHY someone drinks alcoholically--that understanding isn't a prerequisite to recovery, and knowing WHY doesn't change anything about what you have to do to recover. There's a reason that Step One talks about "admitt[ing] we were powerless over alcohol--that our lives had become unmanageable." Nothing in there about understanding why.

Nodding so hard I think I sprained my neck here. Understanding and accepting are two different things. Thank you, Seren!

I'm so glad you posted your experience. I tried to figure out why and wasted too much time. It was when I just accepted the facts that I could begin to let go. This is the heart of the matter.

i totaly agree once i gave up trying to understand it all and i just came to accept i then found freedom in my mind

there is a guy who has been around aa a lot longer than me but i so laugh at his shares as he gets lost in trying to express himself and its clear he is always looking for answers for everything
for example if something is colored green then he wants to know why its green, why isnt it red ? lol
like i say it makes me laugh only because it shows me just how i was myself with always wanting to know how it worked or why something was the way it was

today i accept if something is colored green then its green

So much of what we describe as 'understanding' is in fact 'overstanding' - in the sense that we think that knowing the causes of drinking, infidelity etc will magically mean we have some control over them. Sure, sometimes it can be helpful to realise that someone's behaviour is a common consequence of their alcoholism - if we can then let it go.

For me, 'understanding' has included the realisation that the person I'd been in love with doesn't exist - he was a fantasy drawn by the man himself and then fleshed out by my own vivid imagination; that people who are deliberately obscure and won't give straight answers aren't clever - just poor communicators; that people who are permanently critical aren't perceptive - just critical... I could go on...

For me, 'understanding' has been that life is very, very much simpler than my alcoholic family had brought me up to believe and, as desypete says - it leaves freedom in the mind.

I'm loving this thread!

from my first AA sponsor:

IT IS WHAT IT IS.....ISN'T IT.

or as Joe Friday said:

Just the FACTS ma'am, just the facts.

take the unsinkable Titanic. it hit the iceburg...and sank. now you could stand on the deck til she sank asking WHY did this happen....and it changes nothing. and if you stand there long enough, stuck on WHY, you will go down with the ship.

but if you ACCEPT that the ship hit something and is now sinking and get yor ass in a lifeboat, you stand a chance to survive. survival doesn't care WHY, survival only cares about what NOW?

now we know WHY the Titanic sank. and still all 1,517 souls were lost and are still lost.

Totally in concurrence here.

I spent tons of time needing to understand alcoholism, xah's behaviors and mental state, how I got to be in my current situation, how to help my children...

And then when I finished digesting it all, the next step for me was to simply accept, let go, move on. I can get it, but I can't control it. Not anything that is xah's behaviors or state of mind.

So that meant accepting he is likely going to continue to deteriorate and do harmful things to the children and I. And I have no choice but to let go of what seems fair and just and right regarding him.

And life goes on. More peacefully.