Separated AH wants a divorce....heartbroken
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Butterfly....redatlanta is right!! I can "answer" your question---but,....here is the deal....the answer will not satisfy you. No answers that you have been given have satisfied you. You already know the answer, actually--because you have answered it is some of your posts.
Your questions are rhetorical.
It is not the ANSWER that you want---You want the PAIN to go away. You want it gone.
The pain of rejection and the grief that accompanies it is a wretched pain.....
It is a necessary gauntlet that we humans must pass through in order to heal from psychic pain. The short-term pain does pass so that we can go forward in enough comfort to finish living out our lives. Short-term pain for long-term gain.
It will leave when the pain of staying stuck is greater than the pain of moving forward.
Time and space allows this to happen.
Now, my "answer". He tells you he doesn't love you because you will bug the hell out of him when he tells you he does!! You try to prevent him form doing what he wants to do. He will tell you anything to get you off his back, at this point. He doesn't have what it takes to be what you want him to be. However he feels about you doesn't square with how he wants to live. He wants to drink, without interference of domestic responsibilities, and...in the company of those who support his drinking.
There are hundreds of stories right here on this forum which attest to the fact that people do move beyond the pain of rejection and grief....often, from almost unbelievable circumstances and pain. Read their stories....they told them to help you (and, any others who are hurting).
Trust in the healing powers of time and space.
dandylion
Your questions are rhetorical.
It is not the ANSWER that you want---You want the PAIN to go away. You want it gone.
The pain of rejection and the grief that accompanies it is a wretched pain.....
It is a necessary gauntlet that we humans must pass through in order to heal from psychic pain. The short-term pain does pass so that we can go forward in enough comfort to finish living out our lives. Short-term pain for long-term gain.
It will leave when the pain of staying stuck is greater than the pain of moving forward.
Time and space allows this to happen.
Now, my "answer". He tells you he doesn't love you because you will bug the hell out of him when he tells you he does!! You try to prevent him form doing what he wants to do. He will tell you anything to get you off his back, at this point. He doesn't have what it takes to be what you want him to be. However he feels about you doesn't square with how he wants to live. He wants to drink, without interference of domestic responsibilities, and...in the company of those who support his drinking.
There are hundreds of stories right here on this forum which attest to the fact that people do move beyond the pain of rejection and grief....often, from almost unbelievable circumstances and pain. Read their stories....they told them to help you (and, any others who are hurting).
Trust in the healing powers of time and space.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Butterfly....redatlanta is right!! I can "answer" your question---but,....here is the deal....the answer will not satisfy you. No answers that you have been given have satisfied you. You already know the answer, actually--because you have answered it is some of your posts.
Your questions are rhetorical.
It is not the ANSWER that you want---You want the PAIN to go away. You want it gone.
The pain of rejection and the grief that accompanies it is a wretched pain.....
Your questions are rhetorical.
It is not the ANSWER that you want---You want the PAIN to go away. You want it gone.
The pain of rejection and the grief that accompanies it is a wretched pain.....
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 524
butterfly...have you thought of some medication to help get you through this?
last week I got something added to mine regimen and I have noticed a difference. I was hanging on, but I knew I was capable of a little more...you are too.
last week I got something added to mine regimen and I have noticed a difference. I was hanging on, but I knew I was capable of a little more...you are too.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
He said he realised last week when he was very drunk for 3 days because if he was in love with me he wouldn't be doing this!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
butterfly, why do you want him to hit rock bottom?
Are you holding onto some fantasy that he's going to get treatment, realize he wants to be with you, and then he'll be a perfect husband?
Rock bottom may be death.
I agree that medication may be the answer for you. This past eight months of obsession is not healthy for you - not to mention how many years before this? You are going to collapse at some point. Please seek help.
Are you holding onto some fantasy that he's going to get treatment, realize he wants to be with you, and then he'll be a perfect husband?
Rock bottom may be death.
I agree that medication may be the answer for you. This past eight months of obsession is not healthy for you - not to mention how many years before this? You are going to collapse at some point. Please seek help.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
So maybe he doesn't love you. Maybe he does. The answer to the question is: It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter one bit whether he does or not. His disease, his drinking AREN'T ABOUT YOU. It's about him, and it always will be.
If he were to come to you today and profess his undying love for you, what would it change? What about your current circumstances would be different? He'd still be an actively drinking alcoholic who knows he isn't ready to stop yet, so...? I know you hope he'll hit bottom. We all have some kind of hope in varying degrees, and that's all just dandy, but Hope Isn't a Plan. Are you willing to spend your life chasing after this carrot, missing all of the great and wonderful things this world has to offer just because he may or may not love you? That's a pretty crappy existence. You deserve better. Look at how ridiculous you sound with an actively drinking A who has caused chaos and heartache, and all you care about is whether or not he loves you. I mean all of this in the most compassionate, loving way possible. One day you'll look back on these posts and see it, too. But you have a choice to either keep getting dragged along as his little puppy desperate for affection, or you can straighten your backbone, see yourself as worthy of more than he has to offer, and move on.
If he were to come to you today and profess his undying love for you, what would it change? What about your current circumstances would be different? He'd still be an actively drinking alcoholic who knows he isn't ready to stop yet, so...? I know you hope he'll hit bottom. We all have some kind of hope in varying degrees, and that's all just dandy, but Hope Isn't a Plan. Are you willing to spend your life chasing after this carrot, missing all of the great and wonderful things this world has to offer just because he may or may not love you? That's a pretty crappy existence. You deserve better. Look at how ridiculous you sound with an actively drinking A who has caused chaos and heartache, and all you care about is whether or not he loves you. I mean all of this in the most compassionate, loving way possible. One day you'll look back on these posts and see it, too. But you have a choice to either keep getting dragged along as his little puppy desperate for affection, or you can straighten your backbone, see yourself as worthy of more than he has to offer, and move on.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hugs and more hugs. That hurts. He is not telling you anything you don't already know, that he has put his addiction first. I know it still hurts though.
Stay the course and keep up with all you are doing for yourself.
XXX
Stay the course and keep up with all you are doing for yourself.
XXX
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 72
Originally Posted by NWGRITS 
So maybe he doesn't love you. Maybe he does. The answer to the question is: It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter one bit whether he does or not. His disease, his drinking AREN'T ABOUT YOU. It's about him, and it always will be.
If he were to come to you today and profess his undying love for you, what would it change? What about your current circumstances would be different? He'd still be an actively drinking alcoholic who knows he isn't ready to stop yet, so...? I know you hope he'll hit bottom. We all have some kind of hope in varying degrees, and that's all just dandy, but Hope Isn't a Plan. Are you willing to spend your life chasing after this carrot, missing all of the great and wonderful things this world has to offer just because he may or may not love you? That's a pretty crappy existence. You deserve better. Look at how ridiculous you sound with an actively drinking A who has caused chaos and heartache, and all you care about is whether or not he loves you. I mean all of this in the most compassionate, loving way possible. One day you'll look back on these posts and see it, too. But you have a choice to either keep getting dragged along as his little puppy desperate for affection, or you can straighten your backbone, see yourself as worthy of more than he has to offer, and move on.
If he were to come to you today and profess his undying love for you, what would it change? What about your current circumstances would be different? He'd still be an actively drinking alcoholic who knows he isn't ready to stop yet, so...? I know you hope he'll hit bottom. We all have some kind of hope in varying degrees, and that's all just dandy, but Hope Isn't a Plan. Are you willing to spend your life chasing after this carrot, missing all of the great and wonderful things this world has to offer just because he may or may not love you? That's a pretty crappy existence. You deserve better. Look at how ridiculous you sound with an actively drinking A who has caused chaos and heartache, and all you care about is whether or not he loves you. I mean all of this in the most compassionate, loving way possible. One day you'll look back on these posts and see it, too. But you have a choice to either keep getting dragged along as his little puppy desperate for affection, or you can straighten your backbone, see yourself as worthy of more than he has to offer, and move on.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 72
Butterfly the more I read your posts the more I wonder if we arent living parallel lives. You might as well be telling my story most of the time. Just know that someone out here knows exactly how you feel. ((((Hugs))))
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Butterfly - I used to be addicted to the pain and hurt. It had become my norm. Like you, I tortured myself. I found my self worth in what "he" thought of me.
One time, my STBXH told me "I don't give a f about you. Do I need to draw you a picture?" My friends and family were shocked and disgusted and I actually laughed and minimized it. "Oh, that's his addiction talking. Oh, I was deliberately annoying him."
With time, space, and therapy....I am now shocked that I would ever allow anyone to talk to me like that. I have weeded out so many unhealthy people in my life since, some who believe that they are. I have learned to watch actions now.
Don't be surprised when he is in his self pity mode and tries to explain that one away. Bottom line for me is......I don't care why someone say or does something mean. I will not accept unacceptable behavior for any reason. When you start finding and loving yourself, you won't either.
It took me a while to fully understand that love is not a noun, it's a verb. My STBXAH was not acting loving. How could he love me in a healthy way when he couldn't even love himself in one? I was never going to have a healthy, loving, respectful relationship with him unless we both worked hard and he was not willing. Hence, the soon to be ex!!
One time, my STBXH told me "I don't give a f about you. Do I need to draw you a picture?" My friends and family were shocked and disgusted and I actually laughed and minimized it. "Oh, that's his addiction talking. Oh, I was deliberately annoying him."
With time, space, and therapy....I am now shocked that I would ever allow anyone to talk to me like that. I have weeded out so many unhealthy people in my life since, some who believe that they are. I have learned to watch actions now.
Don't be surprised when he is in his self pity mode and tries to explain that one away. Bottom line for me is......I don't care why someone say or does something mean. I will not accept unacceptable behavior for any reason. When you start finding and loving yourself, you won't either.
It took me a while to fully understand that love is not a noun, it's a verb. My STBXAH was not acting loving. How could he love me in a healthy way when he couldn't even love himself in one? I was never going to have a healthy, loving, respectful relationship with him unless we both worked hard and he was not willing. Hence, the soon to be ex!!
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
Originally Posted by sosadandhurt
Thank you for that advice. I sure needed to read that as I am in the same boat except for that he still "loves me" right now, but I have been in the " I dont love you" boat before too. I wish I would have let that stupid boat sink to the bottom of a deep dark pit, never to be seen again. But, I jumped right back in when the "I still love you's" started again. I have no idea what I even deserve anymore or how I feel about anything. I just go day to day and live the stupid merry-go-round. Hopefully one day I can pull my head out of the other end of me and get on with life.
Baby Steps
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Thank you everyone for your replies and hugs
Dandylion you are right if he had told me he's still in love with me I'd have tortured him about getting help and that's not what he wants
Florence my counsellor and I were talking about that how my self worth is wrapped up in him, if he loves me and wants me then I am worthy if he doesn't then I'm unlovable and unimportant!! We are going to be working on this.
Nwgrits your right it won't change anything he'd still be an active alcoholic but him loving me is not all I care about, I care about him and I suppose some part of me believes that if he holds onto how he feels about me and wants for us he will seek sobriety but I know that's dillusional thinking. I care about the impact this has for my kids, apparently he asked my son 2 weeks ago while at his if he would like a drink as he thought if he has a drink I can have one! I mean seriously!!!!
Sosadandhurt I am sorry your going through this.
I received a text from him at 3am saying love you always. He then rings me at work, drunk and tells me he's been suspended from work as he threatened 2 staff members and he may not be able to continue in his role as manager due to his volatility! This is the first real consequence of his addiction but his first thought after being suspended was great I can go and get drunk now and he did.
I got all the self pitying talk about how he's lost everything and has nothing left, he's going down a path that he won't let me travel with him how he's a waster. Drinking almost everyday now and constantly talking about all the bad things he's done from a child how he wants to make amends to everyone who he's harmed and how he deserves everything that happens to him. This is the path he's going down and there's nothing he can do. I told him there is but that's his choice, he refused to talk to anyone. I didn't say again!
His aunt contacted him last week and told him how great it was to have her nephew back, she an alcoholic and many years ago AH stayed with her for over a year following the death of her husband to support her but really so he could drink every night!! He told me today how the one time I asked him to leave he has never recovered from as he never felt secure in our marriage I mean seriously after all the times he has left me!!
He keeps talking about all these friends he has known for years and years, yet I've never heard of them but that was because I never wanted to know his friends as they all took drugs!!
I really felt at times he was blaming me and I didn't let him away with it and reminded him of how he never introduced his friends to me as the time he knew them was when he was drinking very heavily and we were separated! Then I got the how bad he feels and how the kids don't want anything to do with him. I reminded him that's because he told them he was leaving so he could do what he wanted and drink!!
He said if was really selfish he would kill himself but he won't as he's not that selfish.
He asked me to call round and he would make me a cup of tea as he really wanted to see me but I said no I didn't want to be around him while he was drunk.
I also found out he's been drinking and driving then had the cheek to ask me to get him more alcohol. I refused!!
I told him I loved him and if he decides to get help I will support him but until that time I can't help him and I have to look after myself and my kids.
Dandylion you are right if he had told me he's still in love with me I'd have tortured him about getting help and that's not what he wants
Florence my counsellor and I were talking about that how my self worth is wrapped up in him, if he loves me and wants me then I am worthy if he doesn't then I'm unlovable and unimportant!! We are going to be working on this.
Nwgrits your right it won't change anything he'd still be an active alcoholic but him loving me is not all I care about, I care about him and I suppose some part of me believes that if he holds onto how he feels about me and wants for us he will seek sobriety but I know that's dillusional thinking. I care about the impact this has for my kids, apparently he asked my son 2 weeks ago while at his if he would like a drink as he thought if he has a drink I can have one! I mean seriously!!!!
Sosadandhurt I am sorry your going through this.
I received a text from him at 3am saying love you always. He then rings me at work, drunk and tells me he's been suspended from work as he threatened 2 staff members and he may not be able to continue in his role as manager due to his volatility! This is the first real consequence of his addiction but his first thought after being suspended was great I can go and get drunk now and he did.
I got all the self pitying talk about how he's lost everything and has nothing left, he's going down a path that he won't let me travel with him how he's a waster. Drinking almost everyday now and constantly talking about all the bad things he's done from a child how he wants to make amends to everyone who he's harmed and how he deserves everything that happens to him. This is the path he's going down and there's nothing he can do. I told him there is but that's his choice, he refused to talk to anyone. I didn't say again!
His aunt contacted him last week and told him how great it was to have her nephew back, she an alcoholic and many years ago AH stayed with her for over a year following the death of her husband to support her but really so he could drink every night!! He told me today how the one time I asked him to leave he has never recovered from as he never felt secure in our marriage I mean seriously after all the times he has left me!!
He keeps talking about all these friends he has known for years and years, yet I've never heard of them but that was because I never wanted to know his friends as they all took drugs!!
I really felt at times he was blaming me and I didn't let him away with it and reminded him of how he never introduced his friends to me as the time he knew them was when he was drinking very heavily and we were separated! Then I got the how bad he feels and how the kids don't want anything to do with him. I reminded him that's because he told them he was leaving so he could do what he wanted and drink!!
He said if was really selfish he would kill himself but he won't as he's not that selfish.
He asked me to call round and he would make me a cup of tea as he really wanted to see me but I said no I didn't want to be around him while he was drunk.
I also found out he's been drinking and driving then had the cheek to ask me to get him more alcohol. I refused!!
I told him I loved him and if he decides to get help I will support him but until that time I can't help him and I have to look after myself and my kids.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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why did you take a call AT WORK from someone who was inebriated?
why did you listen to him blather on with his rambling useless BS?
why do you STILL take every single word he says to heart?
like this steaming pile of doo doo:
He told me today how the one time I asked him to leave he has never recovered from as he never felt secure in our marriage
do not take calls from drunks. especially at work! hang up! seriously butterfly, YOU have to take actions here to protect yourself, to insulate yourself.
why did you listen to him blather on with his rambling useless BS?
why do you STILL take every single word he says to heart?
like this steaming pile of doo doo:
He told me today how the one time I asked him to leave he has never recovered from as he never felt secure in our marriage
do not take calls from drunks. especially at work! hang up! seriously butterfly, YOU have to take actions here to protect yourself, to insulate yourself.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: My Happy Place
Posts: 700
I realize you have kids together, you should probably limit contact with him so it only concerns the children. He doesn't seem ready to stop drinking or torturing you emotionally. Unfortunately you are a wiling participant. He will keep this up as long as you let him. If his sorry drunk ass contacts you again, ignore it. Can you do that B?? For your sake and the kids. I do not know how old they are, but at some point they are going to pick up on this. Just keep that in mind.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Butterfly....Time and space (distance). These will be your best friends....as you move forward with the work with your therapist.
I noticed that you didn't ask a rhetorical question even one time in your post!!!!
I say congrats on that. (lol)
dandylion
I noticed that you didn't ask a rhetorical question even one time in your post!!!!
I say congrats on that. (lol)
dandylion
Baby Steps
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Lol I didn't notice that.
My counsellor and I are going to be working on my self worth and what it is that I want for my life as honestly I have no idea!!
Is it normal though for addicts to focus on all the negative things they have done or does this only happen when they are in that self pitying mood??
My counsellor and I are going to be working on my self worth and what it is that I want for my life as honestly I have no idea!!
Is it normal though for addicts to focus on all the negative things they have done or does this only happen when they are in that self pitying mood??
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