gem

Hi everyone!
I am so glad that I have found this website. It has really been helpful to know that I am not alone.
I have been going to alanon for about a month and doing alot of reading ect...I have stopped enabling my A completely and have really tried to detach as best as I can. We no longer fight because I refuse to react like I used to act. My husband is drinking almost daily, he has started lying to me, and he even stole some eqipment from his job. I have been married to a alcoholic for almost 2 years and we have a 6 month old son . I can no longer live this way anymore, so I am planning on leaving as soon as I get things in order. My husband is acting like he doesn't care. He told me he will never quit drinking! I have friends and family who understand my problems. My problem is the terrible guilt I feel in taking our son away from his father. I know that I have no other choice than to leave. my husband is not giving us any money or he is not paying any bills, so I am afraid we will lose the house and I will have to sit here in the dark because he won't pay any utilities. Does anyone have any advice on how to handle this unil we are gone? thanks GEM

blufan60

Hi gem,

First -- take a deep breath. Breathe in slowly, breathe out slowly. Now don't forget to do that often! (I always think, as I breathe in and out, "In with good thoughts, out with bad thoughts; in with love, out with hate; in with peace, out with chaos" etc, and it helps me.)

Many years ago I was in the same situation you are in now. I felt I couldn't live with my A any longer and I needed to leave or have him leave our house. I had two young toddlers, and they adored their daddy! You see, when he was sober (and even when he wasn't), he was lots of fun. He'd play with them and take care of them. How could I possibly take their father away from them? How would this shape them?

I slowly came to realize, however, that I wasn't taking him away at all. He was doing that himself. I was simply choosing to live a life with calm and security, something I could not have with him in the house. When he was there, there was tension between us and often fights. Was that good for the children? No! It was my responsibility as the healthy, sober one to protect my children and give them an environment that they were safe in. Even if he played with them -- well, what about the times he decided to take them out somewhere while he had been drinking? I couldn't take that chance any longer. He was not setting a good example for the children, either, by coming home really late or even not for days at a time, not to mention smelling like beer and stumbling around. Sure, they were very young to understand a lot of what was going on, but I think they could still sense when something wasn't quite right.

I decided to leave. At that time, I needed to leave for my own peace of mind. My error, however, was in taking them out one day to a new apartment without preparing them for the move. I was afraid they'd tell Dad, so I didn't say anything to them. I'm not sure how I could've better handled that, but I think the key in helping our children is in talking to them. They don't need all the sordid details, but they do need to be talked to according to their age level.

If you are trying to protect your children and your sense of peace and security, there should be no guilt in that. Make the children accessible to Dad when he is sober. It will be HIS choice, then, to be with his children.

In my situation, leaving prompted my A to get sober. He saw he was losing his family and that pain was greater than the craving to drink. There's no telling how any addict will react to that, however. For some, that is a bottom, for others it still isn't their bottom. So do what you need to do for you and for your children. Do it without vengeance or anger. I'm glad to hear you are going to Al-Anon meetings!

I was reading something by Melody Beattie yesterday: She reminded me that there isn't always just one path to take. When we go anywhere, there are many, many ways to get there. There is the most direct route, the shortest route, but there are other routes, too. So, too, with working through our problems. Be open to different paths, be aware of different paths. For me, going to Al-Anon and working a program has been my key to getting through very difficult times. You see, my A is no longer drinking but after 10 years he has started using drugs. My kids are now teenagers. What is the path I choose this time? For now, it is not leaving. For now, it is working on how I can get peace and serenity while I wait for the A to get clean, which I also realize may or may not ever happen. But while I wait, I will work on me. I will change what I can change, and that's me. I will take care of my children no matter what. I will leave the A to do what he needs to do, on his own timeline (as much as I want to force him to do things on my timeline!)

Sorry to turn this into a mini-novel. Please keep coming back and let us know how you're doing. Remember, guilt is something we should feel when we have done something wrong and not made amends for our wrongdoing.

Rose56

Thank you blu, your post is very helpful to me. Especially the part about several different paths. Thanks for sharing.

gem

Thank you so much for your reply. I never really looked at it that way. I now realize that my leaving is the best thing. I guess that time will only tell if he deciedes to get sober. I am not counting on that to happen.My son is the most important thing right now. He is still to young to know whats going on, so I feel this is the right time. I will keep you posted. thanks again! You made my day! GEM