just broke up with my ABF of 3 years
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Join Date: Nov 2014
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just broke up with my ABF of 3 years
It finally happened. I haven't had much sleep since last night; have had a migraine headache in my sleep and all day today.
I had been pulling away from him gradually, seeing less of him. It was making him mad. I tried to talk to him; be honest. I told him the drinking and the behaviors associated with his drinking was why our relationship wasn't working; why my attraction (not love) was fading.
I felt so confused; torn. I found myself with selective focus; focusing on his good qualities; the person I wish he was on a permanent bases, but he didn't stay that way. He'd become 2 personalities. I would let it go; try to forget about it and focus on his good qualities. Truth was, the memories of these behaviors stayed in my subconscious and the feelings of insecurity grew.
When I'd explain my feelings to him, he would act understanding, claim he's working on it, telling me how much he loved me, etc... Then, the next day, he'd fester on what was said and think over it, get madder and then start sending mad text that would upset me.
I was getting sick of this cycle. It was like I had spoken to a brick wall.
I had unfortunately fantasized that he would get better, stop drinking and stop the associated behaviors, but things never got better. Instead, there was always an excuse why he couldn't focus on getting better ... mostly due to all the financial troubles that were caused by his alcoholism in the first place.
After I made it clear that he needed to make these changes, or he'd see less of me. I didn't want to be exposed to it anymore.
Finally, he gets angry by phone...saying I didn't love him, there was such anger in his voice; he went on to say ugly things about me, like he was out to hurt me. He tried to say that I was the one with problems, etc.. I've never been a drinker. My biggest problem was getting involved with one. I blanked out most of what he said; it was just hurtful and mean. The tone of voice was the worse part. It was like he hated me. I was done! This conversation was the last straw. We hung up on each other. It seemed pretty clear that we were over, even though neither of us said the words.
I cried the rest of the night and then the migraines started.
I can't believe I wasted 3 years. Even though my gut told me that this is not the way it should be, I hung onto the loving, kind, moments. I just couldn't break it off. I forgot what normal was. His reality distorted mine.
I feel so sad today, but staying was going no where. He wouldn't stop.
I had been pulling away from him gradually, seeing less of him. It was making him mad. I tried to talk to him; be honest. I told him the drinking and the behaviors associated with his drinking was why our relationship wasn't working; why my attraction (not love) was fading.
I felt so confused; torn. I found myself with selective focus; focusing on his good qualities; the person I wish he was on a permanent bases, but he didn't stay that way. He'd become 2 personalities. I would let it go; try to forget about it and focus on his good qualities. Truth was, the memories of these behaviors stayed in my subconscious and the feelings of insecurity grew.
When I'd explain my feelings to him, he would act understanding, claim he's working on it, telling me how much he loved me, etc... Then, the next day, he'd fester on what was said and think over it, get madder and then start sending mad text that would upset me.
I was getting sick of this cycle. It was like I had spoken to a brick wall.
I had unfortunately fantasized that he would get better, stop drinking and stop the associated behaviors, but things never got better. Instead, there was always an excuse why he couldn't focus on getting better ... mostly due to all the financial troubles that were caused by his alcoholism in the first place.
After I made it clear that he needed to make these changes, or he'd see less of me. I didn't want to be exposed to it anymore.
Finally, he gets angry by phone...saying I didn't love him, there was such anger in his voice; he went on to say ugly things about me, like he was out to hurt me. He tried to say that I was the one with problems, etc.. I've never been a drinker. My biggest problem was getting involved with one. I blanked out most of what he said; it was just hurtful and mean. The tone of voice was the worse part. It was like he hated me. I was done! This conversation was the last straw. We hung up on each other. It seemed pretty clear that we were over, even though neither of us said the words.
I cried the rest of the night and then the migraines started.
I can't believe I wasted 3 years. Even though my gut told me that this is not the way it should be, I hung onto the loving, kind, moments. I just couldn't break it off. I forgot what normal was. His reality distorted mine.
I feel so sad today, but staying was going no where. He wouldn't stop.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by carmen303 
I can't believe I wasted 3 years. Even though my gut told me that this is not the way it should be, I hung onto the loving, kind, moments. I just couldn't break it off. I forgot what normal was. His reality distorted mine.
I feel so sad today, but staying was going no where. He wouldn't stop.
I feel so sad today, but staying was going no where. He wouldn't stop.
This portion of your post really resonated w/me--it's a great summary of my 18-year marriage to an A. Looking back, I see so many red flags and how I simply passed them over, motivated by a powerful desire for security and safety, thinking he was the source of those things. My reality wasn't all that healthy to start with, and the longer I lived in his, the more bent it got...Now that I've begun my own recovery, I can see that whatever security and safety I might find in life, it's not going to come from outside of myself.
I hope you can spend some time reading here, making sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page. You will likely recognize many aspects of your life and situation in the stories here. This thread from the stickies might be helpful for you right now: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ain-stops.html
You've shown strength and honesty in looking at your situation and making the decisions you've made. The pain will pass in time--please feel free to lean on us here while you work thru it.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Carmen....the alcoholic lives in the insanity of their own disease...a constant "war" in their own head. And, as you can see....being close to the alcoholic sucks us right into that distorted world....an inch at a time.
This is the thing, Carmen...you have had the choice of remaining in the insanity or not---AND, YOU CHOSE SANITY---your own!
Sure it hurts...it really does, but, remember that htis is short-term pain for the long term gain.
In life, there sometimes comes a point when you just gotta' do what you gotta' do.
dandylion
This is the thing, Carmen...you have had the choice of remaining in the insanity or not---AND, YOU CHOSE SANITY---your own!
Sure it hurts...it really does, but, remember that htis is short-term pain for the long term gain.
In life, there sometimes comes a point when you just gotta' do what you gotta' do.
dandylion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 80
Thanks Guys,
I keep trying to understand what came from the disease vs who he really was.
He could be so sweet, family oriented, big on giving cards saying romantic things, funny, a best friend, articulate, smart. We'd cook together and talk and laugh for hours. I miss him. He always said he loved me so much, wanted to marry me, etc...
On the flip side, he couldn't stop...went from beer to wine. He had to have his wine in the morning (mixed with/"diluted" with tea) and after work (when he was working), he'd drink when he got home (had high tolerance, so it didn't show) but he was drunk by 9pm; slurring words.
He seemed to have a double personality; sweet and thoughtful, funny, extroverted, fun OR controlling, angry (would blow up at people if they were "disrespectful" or looked at him the wrong way) and crude and sometimes mean the next. Obviously, I disliked the 2nd personality.
Personality #2 was angry, sarcastic and bitter toward me when we last spoke. It's like he just couldn't communicate like a mature, reasonable adult, striving toward a healthy relationship.
His health was getting worse; lots of weight gain in the face and stomach and thinning legs. Aside from physical health, I was worried about the mental health. I'm afraid he's damaged his brain. His finances were getting worse. He was losing his home to foreclosure - in debt; borrowed from others (I REALLY disapproved of that). Now, I'm gone. Is he heading toward rock bottom - is that what it takes?
Is personality #2 typical of the alcoholic insanity?
I keep trying to understand what came from the disease vs who he really was.
He could be so sweet, family oriented, big on giving cards saying romantic things, funny, a best friend, articulate, smart. We'd cook together and talk and laugh for hours. I miss him. He always said he loved me so much, wanted to marry me, etc...
On the flip side, he couldn't stop...went from beer to wine. He had to have his wine in the morning (mixed with/"diluted" with tea) and after work (when he was working), he'd drink when he got home (had high tolerance, so it didn't show) but he was drunk by 9pm; slurring words.
He seemed to have a double personality; sweet and thoughtful, funny, extroverted, fun OR controlling, angry (would blow up at people if they were "disrespectful" or looked at him the wrong way) and crude and sometimes mean the next. Obviously, I disliked the 2nd personality.
Personality #2 was angry, sarcastic and bitter toward me when we last spoke. It's like he just couldn't communicate like a mature, reasonable adult, striving toward a healthy relationship.
His health was getting worse; lots of weight gain in the face and stomach and thinning legs. Aside from physical health, I was worried about the mental health. I'm afraid he's damaged his brain. His finances were getting worse. He was losing his home to foreclosure - in debt; borrowed from others (I REALLY disapproved of that). Now, I'm gone. Is he heading toward rock bottom - is that what it takes?
Is personality #2 typical of the alcoholic insanity?
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Carmen....yes, it is very typical.
I hope that you will hang around this forum and take advantage of the information and knowledge that it offers. If you go to the "stickies"...those articles at the top of this main page....especially the ones that are labeled "classics" (near the bottom of the list)...you will get a boot-camp education on alcoholism and co-dependency.
dandylion
I hope that you will hang around this forum and take advantage of the information and knowledge that it offers. If you go to the "stickies"...those articles at the top of this main page....especially the ones that are labeled "classics" (near the bottom of the list)...you will get a boot-camp education on alcoholism and co-dependency.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by carmen303
is personality #1 (the one I loved) the REAL him --- if he received treatment, pulled himself together, became sober?
I think it's common and normal for the partner of the A to wonder about the "real him", but the real him is the drunk, angry, sarcastic, bitter, mean one every bit as much as the sweet, thoughtful, funny one. That is surely the case w/my A, and I believe you'll see a lot of people saying the same if you read other threads here.
There is a saying around here--"he is NOT his potential. He is who he is right now. If this is the best it ever gets, is that good enough?" It sounds like you've decided that it's not good enough. I'd say that's a healthy decision.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 80
The night it happened, while he was in personality #2, after he verbally attacked me, he got mad at me for getting tearful and crying. He said, "I'm going to hang up if you start crying .
If personality #2 is common for alcoholic insanity, then personality #2 is the alcoholism, not his true/inborn personality, right? He wasn't born with alcoholic insanity.
If personality #2 is common for alcoholic insanity, then personality #2 is the alcoholism, not his true/inborn personality, right? He wasn't born with alcoholic insanity.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
carmen...it might help if you think of it in terms of what his capacity is. He obviously, has the capacity to be the "nice" guy that you described.
He, also, has the capacity....under the right conditions....to be the A-hole guy.
For him...the right condition for him to be the latter is when any alcohol touches his brain. That is the alcoholic aspect of him. That will never be gone---but, it can be put into remission with authentic sobriety.
dandylion
He, also, has the capacity....under the right conditions....to be the A-hole guy.
For him...the right condition for him to be the latter is when any alcohol touches his brain. That is the alcoholic aspect of him. That will never be gone---but, it can be put into remission with authentic sobriety.
dandylion
Baby Steps
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Hi carmen, welcome to SR., although I am sorry for what has brought you here.
I like you struggled with what part was the real him and what was the alcoholic him and surely when he was sober he was being the real him. It has taken me a very long time to accept that the 2 people who presented to me, the drunk and the sober are the same person. For me I wanted to believe the real him was the kind loving sweet man I knew he could be and was at times but that was who I wanted him to be, he was and is an alcoholic that is who he is. When I tried to talk to him about his drinking and the impact on our marriage he did the whole understanding but if it interfered in his night of drinking he wasn't so understanding.
I know how painful this is but you will get through it one day at a time.
Your right they are not born alcoholics but there are many different things that lead a person into becoming one. Read the stickies at the top of the forum for more information.
My separated AH also sent lots of romantic lovely cards and told me how much he loved me and couldn't live without me. Nearly 8 months later he's on his own drinking more than ever because I stood in the way of his ability to drink and wanted him to get help and this time 18 years later he knew I was serious so he left.
Stick around and read the other posts and read all you can about addiction.
Tight hugs
I like you struggled with what part was the real him and what was the alcoholic him and surely when he was sober he was being the real him. It has taken me a very long time to accept that the 2 people who presented to me, the drunk and the sober are the same person. For me I wanted to believe the real him was the kind loving sweet man I knew he could be and was at times but that was who I wanted him to be, he was and is an alcoholic that is who he is. When I tried to talk to him about his drinking and the impact on our marriage he did the whole understanding but if it interfered in his night of drinking he wasn't so understanding.
I know how painful this is but you will get through it one day at a time.
Your right they are not born alcoholics but there are many different things that lead a person into becoming one. Read the stickies at the top of the forum for more information.
My separated AH also sent lots of romantic lovely cards and told me how much he loved me and couldn't live without me. Nearly 8 months later he's on his own drinking more than ever because I stood in the way of his ability to drink and wanted him to get help and this time 18 years later he knew I was serious so he left.
Stick around and read the other posts and read all you can about addiction.
Tight hugs
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Hollywood, FL
Posts: 86
Your posts describe what is happening with me and xabf. So hurtful. Know you are not alone in your pain. I've been here a few wks and the pattern is usually the same.
Sweet, sensitive and thoughtful men w/ a demon like personality that will rip your heart out, belittle and demean you in no time flat. Manipulate and bait you into a fight to deflect you from their anger or shortcomings.
It's infuriating. Hang in there. We'll pull through together. Hugs to you.
Sweet, sensitive and thoughtful men w/ a demon like personality that will rip your heart out, belittle and demean you in no time flat. Manipulate and bait you into a fight to deflect you from their anger or shortcomings.
It's infuriating. Hang in there. We'll pull through together. Hugs to you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 56
Hi Carmen,
You're post could have been written by me! Apart from I've not left yet. The feelings you've had and the experiences are what I'm enduring. You reached you're "enough" point, I'm waiting for that for myself.
Take comfort that you aren't alone, take support and look after yourself.
Hugs
x
You're post could have been written by me! Apart from I've not left yet. The feelings you've had and the experiences are what I'm enduring. You reached you're "enough" point, I'm waiting for that for myself.
Take comfort that you aren't alone, take support and look after yourself.
Hugs
x
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 80
Thank you guys so much for your support. Hearing your stories helps me to better understand what I've experienced. It's still tough and sad. I still love him; I just can't stand to see him harm himself and me as well.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 80
If he decided to finally stop. How long does it take for the alcoholic insanity symptoms to leave his body, so that I could know the real/balanced side of him?
I was reading through the sticky "classics" and was drawn to a lot. One had to do with texting. I went through the same stuff with my ABF; the jeckll/hyde thing. He'd send angry text to me one day; I'd get upset and cry; then he'd send me sweet text like nothing had happened a few days later. this cycle became the norm.
After this last anger thing, I ignored his last text. I just don't want him to upset me. He might have said something sweet, but then the cycle will begin again.
I just wonder how long it takes to normalize once the alcoholic gets help and stops. Thanks.
I was reading through the sticky "classics" and was drawn to a lot. One had to do with texting. I went through the same stuff with my ABF; the jeckll/hyde thing. He'd send angry text to me one day; I'd get upset and cry; then he'd send me sweet text like nothing had happened a few days later. this cycle became the norm.
After this last anger thing, I ignored his last text. I just don't want him to upset me. He might have said something sweet, but then the cycle will begin again.
I just wonder how long it takes to normalize once the alcoholic gets help and stops. Thanks.
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