Having a rough night...
 

I know it doesn't define me but I'm so frustrated that this is in my life story. "This" meaning...alcoholic husband, divorce, fear, pain, guilt, embarrassment, financial problems, sadness, disappointment, anger...ugh...I hate this!

Tonight I gave my AH an advanced copy of the divorce papers I'm filing on Monday. The sheriff will officially serve him later in the week but I thought it would be kinder to do it myself first and I was also hoping he would sign off on my parenting plan. He still might but hearing him say his whole life is a mess and the one thing he still had was us...I just feel awful. Things ARE a mess for him right now but it's mostly ramifications of his own actions. I know this is the best thing for me and I know it's also the best thing for our son but I hate hurting him. I have felt so strong and confident for the last six weeks and now I feel small and like I am just an evil b/&:$;tch. Going to do some Alanon reading, work on me and try get some sleep tonight. Hopefully things will look better in the morning. Thanks for listening.

(((HUGS))) It's going to be okay, guava. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep doing what you know is best for your child and yourself. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You are not doing anything to him. You are protecting your child and yourself.

Guava, I hope this morning finds you feeling better. It sounds like you're doing exactly what you need to do for you and your child, even though it's hard to follow thru when your A is in pain and blaming you for it. I'm glad you're finding support in Alanon as well as here at SR.

Wishing you continued strength and clarity.

I'm with you. At least your not having to do RO. I know after this I will never quite be the same. I'm so sorry. I'm devastated and heartbroken as well and my head is spinning. It is the worst feeling to leave but if I didn't I would be in the streets with him. Save yourself. We have yo. They give us no choice. It's not your fault. I'm sure like us all you tried everything possible. I'm so sorry.

I hope you are feeling better tonight. :hug:

I was just thinking along these same lines yesterday - while most of the time I wear my Recovery Badge proudly on my sleeve for all to see, there are some days when it feels like I am defining myself by my damage.

Usually that's a temporary thought because I realize my recovery is all about my GROWTH, not the reasons that brought me to it, but it still crosses my mind from time to time. Usually a good soak in a hot bath (with Epsom salts), yoga & a good night of sleep helps a lot!

Thanks for the support! This morning started out much better but then I got a text from AH that his Dad took a turn for the worse and got moved from his rehab facility (not substance rehab - he'd been recovering from cardiac issues and renal failure) into ICU at the hospital. I know that is not something I have any control over but seriously - is the universe trying to tell me something? Just not sure if I should go ahead with filing in the morning or wait. I have tomorrow off from work but I also have the Monday two weeks from tomorrow off and could do it then. Ugh. :guilty:

mischa1 - I read your story - {hugs} It's hard enough worrying about someone else but fearing for your own well being must be torture. Hope you are doing better today.

Thanks again for all the comments!