Can anyone relate or help me understand?
Can anyone relate or help me understand?
Can anyone relate or help me understand?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Good Morning Everyone,
Sorry this is really long, but I had to get it out.
I am an adult child of two alcoholic parents. Two years ago, I lost my mom to a terminal illness called scleraderma. Even though my mom was an alcoholic, and she was not capable of being there for me many times growing up, I still felt like we had a pretty close bond, except during my teenage years, of course. We really didn’t do things together like I see a lot of mothers and daughters doing, i.e. playing together when I was a child, going shopping (mom hated to shop), and even just talking on the phone (I remember feeling like she just did not want to be bothered). It would make me feel sad and not very important at times. I think I really resent not having my mom full time as a child or during my teenage years. I can remember going through this worrying stage as a child, second grade I think, and it would drive her crazy! I would come home with a list of things that I needed her to reassure me that I did not do, i.e. take someone’s pencil, did I say a bad word, or did I do anything that was inappropriate. I did not want to do anything ‘bad’. This lasted for probably a good year or two. She almost took me to see a therapist, but she didn’t.
During my teenage years, I did not feel like she gave me the support that I really needed. I don’t remember her helping me deal with the pain of having my feelings hurt by cruel kids at school, with the heartache of boyfriend problems and breakups, etc. I also felt VERY insecure about my looks. I hated my hair color (auburn), I hated wearing my glasses (still vain), hated the acne on my face (I still sometimes battle with this problem at 35 even after Acutane). I seem to recall her saying oh you are beautiful, everyone has acne (NO, everyone does not have acne), and you look fine in your glasses etc. Even after taking me to a dermatologist and my attempt at wearing contacts, it did not help my self esteem. I hated my self and I never felt good in my own skin. I always wished I could be someone else, and sometimes I still do. I was also able to get away with way too much as a teenager. I would go out drinking at 16, stayed out with friends all night, etc. My parents never knew. I only seemed to get support when it was major issues, like possible pregnancy or a car accident. I can remember my parents allowing me to walk across a fairly busy street to the mall with friends when I was 11 or 12 with out adult supervision. I can also remember walking to church at 11 or 12 with my younger cousin, because my parents did not go to church. I remember being embarrassed about bring friends home, because I was afraid my parents were drunk. And I also think one of the reasons that I decided to get married at 19 was because I really wanted to get out of the house. My Dad was the one who encouraged us to get married.
However, when I started going through depressions as a young married adult, I always turned to my mom for comfort, almost like I wanted to be her little girl again. My mom was always there to support me when I went through them, and I felt so close to her, almost clingy at times. I sure wish that my mom was here now to help me through this one. � But even though she was there for me during those difficult times, I always though that she saw me as weak, or maybe I was just feeling that way about myself. She never said it or implied it, but for some reason I just felt that way. I always looked at my mom as being a very strong and courageous person, especially when she was fighting for her life. I admired her so much, and still do. But now I know that she did have a weakness, and that was alcohol.
I love my mom very much and miss her a lot, but I am still struggling with mourning her death. I am a little confused. I really thought that I would have fallen a part or I would have gone through a major depression, but instead I went numb, and turned to my drug of choice, my love addiction (online love). I met him coming out of my last major depression when my mom was still alive. He made me feel a live, special, I felt like I had more self esteem and self worth, and most of all I felt beautiful. He saw me once in person, and has always been very complimentary. It was like I crave this attention. My husband and I seemed to be growing a part, my mother was very sick, and I had found something to make me ‘feel’ good. It made me feel empowered! At first my husband even encouraged it, because he liked the ‘different’ me, the more confident me. He also benefited in other ways, but I would prefer not to go there at this time. I am learning more and more about love addiction, and know that it is not healthy, but just like any other addictions; it is VERY hard to break. I have tried several times, but keep going back for more. I am not ready to let go.
My parenting skills have been up and down. When they were babies I loved to cuddle and play with them, but when they started going through the Barbie stage and baby doll stage, I honestly do not have/had any desire to play. I have tried a few times, but I couldn’t wait until the 20 or 30 minutes were over. I know that sounds awful, but it is the truth. I don’t like ‘playing’ and I don’t enjoy watching cartoons with them (I did as a child, but not anymore). Thank goodness my husband likes watching cartoons. I was always too busy with work, the computer, cleaning house etc. I find myself saying, “Just wait a minute. or I can’t right now, maybe later.� When I say these things, I later feel very guilty, but honestly I would rather watch T.V., get on the computer, do house work etc., than play or spend that extra quality time that I know they need. I think I have always met their basic needs, except during two major depressions and family and my husband took over my role. I felt/feel awful for putting them through these very difficult times. They are young, and I am sure very confused and sad about my depressions. I have tried to explain, but it is kind of hard to explain to a 9 and 5 year old something that you don’t even understand yourself. I think all they understand is that mom is not happy, has very little patience, and she cries a lot. I feel like such a terrible mom! I want to be a better mom, but I just don’t know how. I want to actually enjoy playing with them instead of dreading it. Does that make sense? I have also noticed that if my daughters hang on me and want more hugs or kisses, even after I just gave them one, it overwhelms me at times, and I feel smothered. I feel the same way with my husband. What is wrong with me? Why do I feel this way?
The only thing that I can say that I/we have tried to make different in my children’s lives are that we do more things as a family, i.e. go shopping, go to see movies together, go to water parks etc., we attend special activities at school (I don’t remember my parents coming to watch me when I was on the flag corp.), we were active members in our church, and we try to make a point to eat dinner at the table, so we can have quality time to talk about our day. We do have picnics in front of the TV sometimes, but I feel dinner time is an important time to communicate with each other. When I was growing up, we had a table, but it was seldom used. We sat in front of the TV and ate our dinner, and of course did not communicate.
Sorry this is so long, but I needed to get it out. I am hoping someone can understand and possibly give me answers to some of my questions.
Thanks,
Sad_hazeleyes
P.S.
Next time I will discuss my Dad. I have a lot of anger that I am dealing with when it comes to him.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Good Morning Everyone,
Sorry this is really long, but I had to get it out.
I am an adult child of two alcoholic parents. Two years ago, I lost my mom to a terminal illness called scleraderma. Even though my mom was an alcoholic, and she was not capable of being there for me many times growing up, I still felt like we had a pretty close bond, except during my teenage years, of course. We really didn’t do things together like I see a lot of mothers and daughters doing, i.e. playing together when I was a child, going shopping (mom hated to shop), and even just talking on the phone (I remember feeling like she just did not want to be bothered). It would make me feel sad and not very important at times. I think I really resent not having my mom full time as a child or during my teenage years. I can remember going through this worrying stage as a child, second grade I think, and it would drive her crazy! I would come home with a list of things that I needed her to reassure me that I did not do, i.e. take someone’s pencil, did I say a bad word, or did I do anything that was inappropriate. I did not want to do anything ‘bad’. This lasted for probably a good year or two. She almost took me to see a therapist, but she didn’t.
During my teenage years, I did not feel like she gave me the support that I really needed. I don’t remember her helping me deal with the pain of having my feelings hurt by cruel kids at school, with the heartache of boyfriend problems and breakups, etc. I also felt VERY insecure about my looks. I hated my hair color (auburn), I hated wearing my glasses (still vain), hated the acne on my face (I still sometimes battle with this problem at 35 even after Acutane). I seem to recall her saying oh you are beautiful, everyone has acne (NO, everyone does not have acne), and you look fine in your glasses etc. Even after taking me to a dermatologist and my attempt at wearing contacts, it did not help my self esteem. I hated my self and I never felt good in my own skin. I always wished I could be someone else, and sometimes I still do. I was also able to get away with way too much as a teenager. I would go out drinking at 16, stayed out with friends all night, etc. My parents never knew. I only seemed to get support when it was major issues, like possible pregnancy or a car accident. I can remember my parents allowing me to walk across a fairly busy street to the mall with friends when I was 11 or 12 with out adult supervision. I can also remember walking to church at 11 or 12 with my younger cousin, because my parents did not go to church. I remember being embarrassed about bring friends home, because I was afraid my parents were drunk. And I also think one of the reasons that I decided to get married at 19 was because I really wanted to get out of the house. My Dad was the one who encouraged us to get married.
However, when I started going through depressions as a young married adult, I always turned to my mom for comfort, almost like I wanted to be her little girl again. My mom was always there to support me when I went through them, and I felt so close to her, almost clingy at times. I sure wish that my mom was here now to help me through this one. � But even though she was there for me during those difficult times, I always though that she saw me as weak, or maybe I was just feeling that way about myself. She never said it or implied it, but for some reason I just felt that way. I always looked at my mom as being a very strong and courageous person, especially when she was fighting for her life. I admired her so much, and still do. But now I know that she did have a weakness, and that was alcohol.
I love my mom very much and miss her a lot, but I am still struggling with mourning her death. I am a little confused. I really thought that I would have fallen a part or I would have gone through a major depression, but instead I went numb, and turned to my drug of choice, my love addiction (online love). I met him coming out of my last major depression when my mom was still alive. He made me feel a live, special, I felt like I had more self esteem and self worth, and most of all I felt beautiful. He saw me once in person, and has always been very complimentary. It was like I crave this attention. My husband and I seemed to be growing a part, my mother was very sick, and I had found something to make me ‘feel’ good. It made me feel empowered! At first my husband even encouraged it, because he liked the ‘different’ me, the more confident me. He also benefited in other ways, but I would prefer not to go there at this time. I am learning more and more about love addiction, and know that it is not healthy, but just like any other addictions; it is VERY hard to break. I have tried several times, but keep going back for more. I am not ready to let go.
My parenting skills have been up and down. When they were babies I loved to cuddle and play with them, but when they started going through the Barbie stage and baby doll stage, I honestly do not have/had any desire to play. I have tried a few times, but I couldn’t wait until the 20 or 30 minutes were over. I know that sounds awful, but it is the truth. I don’t like ‘playing’ and I don’t enjoy watching cartoons with them (I did as a child, but not anymore). Thank goodness my husband likes watching cartoons. I was always too busy with work, the computer, cleaning house etc. I find myself saying, “Just wait a minute. or I can’t right now, maybe later.� When I say these things, I later feel very guilty, but honestly I would rather watch T.V., get on the computer, do house work etc., than play or spend that extra quality time that I know they need. I think I have always met their basic needs, except during two major depressions and family and my husband took over my role. I felt/feel awful for putting them through these very difficult times. They are young, and I am sure very confused and sad about my depressions. I have tried to explain, but it is kind of hard to explain to a 9 and 5 year old something that you don’t even understand yourself. I think all they understand is that mom is not happy, has very little patience, and she cries a lot. I feel like such a terrible mom! I want to be a better mom, but I just don’t know how. I want to actually enjoy playing with them instead of dreading it. Does that make sense? I have also noticed that if my daughters hang on me and want more hugs or kisses, even after I just gave them one, it overwhelms me at times, and I feel smothered. I feel the same way with my husband. What is wrong with me? Why do I feel this way?
The only thing that I can say that I/we have tried to make different in my children’s lives are that we do more things as a family, i.e. go shopping, go to see movies together, go to water parks etc., we attend special activities at school (I don’t remember my parents coming to watch me when I was on the flag corp.), we were active members in our church, and we try to make a point to eat dinner at the table, so we can have quality time to talk about our day. We do have picnics in front of the TV sometimes, but I feel dinner time is an important time to communicate with each other. When I was growing up, we had a table, but it was seldom used. We sat in front of the TV and ate our dinner, and of course did not communicate.
Sorry this is so long, but I needed to get it out. I am hoping someone can understand and possibly give me answers to some of my questions.
Thanks,
Sad_hazeleyes
P.S.
Next time I will discuss my Dad. I have a lot of anger that I am dealing with when it comes to him.
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
((Sad Hazeleyes))
I wish there was a simple answer to recovery, but there isn't. My recovery was the beginning of finding a path that was right for me. First I started by attending Al-Anon. They offer many tools to learn to deal with life in a healthy way. Then I started applying some of those tools to my daily life. By practicing some of the things I was learning, I got better. I am still a student. I will never stop learning things to make life better. One important tool was trying to live one day at a time. I have learned that if I focus on the things I can do today to make things better, to deal with what I can just for today, I am able to get better.
Everybody needs different tools. Everybody finds the way that fits best in their life. That is why Al-Anon doesn't give advice. It's not a "one size fits all" program. There is a lot of Al-Anon literature, meetings, and people with all types of experience. These are the resources that can guide you to find the answers that are right for you. Hugs, Magic
I wish there was a simple answer to recovery, but there isn't. My recovery was the beginning of finding a path that was right for me. First I started by attending Al-Anon. They offer many tools to learn to deal with life in a healthy way. Then I started applying some of those tools to my daily life. By practicing some of the things I was learning, I got better. I am still a student. I will never stop learning things to make life better. One important tool was trying to live one day at a time. I have learned that if I focus on the things I can do today to make things better, to deal with what I can just for today, I am able to get better.
Everybody needs different tools. Everybody finds the way that fits best in their life. That is why Al-Anon doesn't give advice. It's not a "one size fits all" program. There is a lot of Al-Anon literature, meetings, and people with all types of experience. These are the resources that can guide you to find the answers that are right for you. Hugs, Magic
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 341
(((Sad))) I'm glad you posted here, I know it is hard to post things about yourself that your closest friend probebly doesn't know. It's difficult just to lay it all out. The good thing about the internet world is you can do that and not fear you'll be hurt. We are all annonymous here. You are the adult child of two alcoholics. Your life has been shaped and influenced by your upbringing. As such you have encountered a myriad of problems. I understand how you feel, I was the child of, am the sibling of and am married to a alcoholic. Have you thought about trying a alanon meeting? People in alanon are from all walks, they all have something in common though, they have all been affected in some way or another by alcohol. I think you would find the meetings very interesting and a step into learning about you and how to take care of you. This forum is an excellant source of inspiration, experiences and thoughts. It is used best however combined with face to face meetings. It took me a long time before I finally went to alanon, I had to almost lose my sanity first. Now it's as necessary to me as breathing. Give it a chance. Continue to post here too, rant vent whatever you need. We're all here for each other. Good luck to you! Hugs! Teggie
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)