Stung

My husband drank last night. After a month of rehab and roughly 70 days of sobriety, he drank.

I smelled it on him last night and then his car reeked this morning and he's been picking insane fights with me for the last two days.

It sucks and I'm really sad for him. I know he wants to be sober but he's just not putting the effort in.

Here is the good news: my recovery methods are actually starting to pay off!

When my husband was picking fights with me I chose to engage in other activities (thankfully he wasn't picking fights in the presence of our kids, mostly after they were in bed or before they woke up in the morning) and the last two days I've been going outside to run instead of engaging. During my runs I asked my higher power for comfort and then became so grateful for the wonderful things I have in life - my health, my kids, the ability to run, etc.

I strongly suspected that my husband had relapsed and instead of freaking out, I sat with those feelings. What did I want to do? Can I live with this behavior again? This morning I had a long conversation with my sponsor and I was telling her that I'm trying to create the best environment possible for my kids. She then asked me what the best environment was for me. Hmmm…I have absolutely no idea what the best environment for me would be. The past few days have shown me that living with an active alcoholic is definitely not a part of a healthy environment for me though.

So this evening, after our kids were put to bed, I told my husband I knew he had relapsed. I told him we need to have a conversation about boundaries and I very calmly and firmly told him that he cannot live here anymore (for anyone following my story on here, he moved back in with us after he completed rehab). It was not scary, there was no yelling. Exposing our children to active alcoholism in our home exposes them to drastically increased risks of becoming alcoholics themselves, neither of us want that and he readily agreed, further, his antics while he drinks creates an unhealthy environment for me.

He left at my request. He started to stomp around at first but I told him that I loved him and this isn't punishment, these are natural consequences. These aren't my actions unfolding, these are his. Had he played the tape forward before he bought alcohol, before he drank, he may have made different choices. My husband left here in tears but amicably so. The drama surrounding his drinking is gone. The serenity in my home has returned. And I'm feeling really happy with my recovery. I'm really sad for my husband, but these are his choices.

I don't know what will happen tomorrow or at any point in the future, but for today (tonight, really) I'm really pleased with how I handled an otherwise really difficult situation.

honeypig

Stung, what a great job of handling the situation. That had to be a very emotional time, yet you stayed calm and rational and held strong to your boundaries.

I'm so glad to see your progress but sorry you had to show it in that particular way.

LadyinBC

I am so proud of you! Good going on following thru and setting boundaries. This is huge!

redatlanta

The poster child for how to handle this situation.

(((Hugs))).

FireSprite

I'm sorry he relapsed, but so impressed with how far you've come in your own recovery. Well done!!!!

MissFixit

It sounds like you have your support system in place and doing the right things for yourself and your girls.

Sorry that happened.

CodeJob

Hugs Stung! You are getting it. You should really read a few of your 'fighting it' posts as you yourself would probably be amazed at the serenity evident in your post here.

I am so sad to hear your H has relapsed. He has a lot of tools on hand and you are right there doing the recovery thang. He's blessed too. I hope he finds his path to long term sobriety....

So did you dress the girls up for Halloween? I hope you still had some spooky fun!

KidsR#1

So sorry for his relapse, but you sound strong. Keep it up!

SeriousKarma

What a wonderful example you're setting for your girls. By communicating and enforcing that one simple boundary to your husband your showing you're teaching them about healthy marriage, healthy parenting, self worth, dignity, respect, love, sacrifice. The list goes on and on. I'm really proud of you.

Take care of yourself, especially for the next few days. It may have gone fairly smoothly, but it still must have been exhausting. ((((((((( hugs )))))))))

Butterfly

Well done stung you are indeed a very strong lady and putting yourself and your kids first

LexieCat

Good job!!!

Now, just a heads-up. You might find yourself second-guessing yourself in a little while. Remember, you made a wise decision based upon your own assessment of what is best for you and for your kids. Everything you said was accurate, and was said without hate or rancor. You have NOTHING to regret about this exchange and you are NOT responsible for any sadness or hurt he may feel. That is on him. Maybe it will be a wakeup call, maybe it won't. But in my experience, when I do things calmly and deliberately, after due consideration and not acting on knee-jerk emotions, I seldom regret later (once the dust settles) what I have done. Even if things might have gone differently, I put my head down at night knowing I did the best that I could.

Well done.

lizatola

Just wanted to come on and agree with everyone here! Great job! It's wonderful to see a recovery program in action. So sorry that he relapsed, but it's his relapse, not yours, and he gets to own it. HUGS! Hope you have a great weekend planned with the kids!

Eauchiche

You also told him you love him. Good for you!!!!!

Newbegin55

I needed this exact story right now. It is not punishment, but consequences. Not our actions, but theirs. I can't deal with the false promises anymore. The lies. Manipulating me to come back time and time again. He's been sober 10 days but has no tools in place other than outpatient therapy and church. I'm exhausted. It's so hard to let someone you love so much go, especially after investing your heart and soul for so long. I hope I find the strength you have right now, you inspire me. I also hope he continues to recover.

Helenlee

Awesome recovery, awesome post
Congratulations

Stung

Thanks everyone!

You were on the money. This morning I was wondering if maybe booting him was a little over the top so I met with my sponsor this morning and talked to her about it. I'm not asking him to leave for any other reason than to return peace to my home for my sake and to provide a more stable environment for my kids. Even though we're not arguing in front of them there is no doubt that our kids could pick up on the tension. This is better for the non alcoholics in our family and we out number the alcoholic. This is a loving action for us, not necessarily for him. We deserve a safe and peaceful home.

Well, I do love him. His drinking isn't ever about me and the idea that love is conditional (at least from my new and improved perspective) is a dysfunctional principal that I was raised with. Like, jump through my hoops or I won't love you anymore. Be perfect or I won't love you anymore. My husband is struggling. I don't want to witness his struggle in my home but that doesn't mean I don't love him anymore. I don't want to deal with the mood swings that are accompanied by his drinking but I still love him. Just because I need distance from him when he isn't taking care of himself or respecting himself doesn't mean that I don't love him. I love him very much and I'm very sad that he's doing this to himself, I just don't want to be involved in his struggle, it's too much for me to handle. I'm also really happy that I don't allow his struggle to define my life or my day anymore.

It's funny, the more I love myself the more capable I am of loving others in a healthy manner.

CJ - Halloween was kind of a dud this year. Baby DD is allergic to most of the ingredients of good candy (did you know that there is soy in damn near every chocolate candy bar?! Even M&Ms have soy in them! WTF! When did this happen?) So trick or treating didn't seem fair since she really cannot handle something that she's so severely allergic to and she's too young to understand why her older sister can touch and eat candy but she can't. So I sent my 3 year old to a Halloween party in the morning (she was an adorable black cat - I gave her the option of being a cat lady instead (pink robe, fuzzy slippers, curlers in hair, carrying stuffed cats with her) but she chose to be an actual cat instead) and my youngest was spoiled with a morning of one on one mommy attention and I paraded her around the mall in her little owl costume, which was cute because I taught her to hoot like an owl and she was hooting non stop. It was pretty darn cute, even though I'm biased. They both had a safe fun Halloween but it wasn't really the traditional route for the holiday.

Eauchiche

I am totally inspired by this healthy concept of unconditional love.
My mate emailed me in early July that he had "no love in his heart" for me any more. Clearly, his concept of love is "conditional," although I have never cheated on him, nor done anything else to him. I HAVE quit drinking. This isn't our only difference, but I believe it trumps everything else.
I sent him a parcel for his birthday, which is tomorrow with a card signed "love" from me. I offered to go there (2-1/2 hours) to take him out to dinner, but he didn't want to do that.

I too am enjoying this healthy, unconditional love. I admire you very much!

hopeful4

(((Stung)))

I am sorry he made that choice, but very happy that you stuck to your own boundaries.

XXX

Florence

Word. For me it came down to "I will not live with an active addict." It didn't matter what his excuses or explanations were in the moment. We deserved the peace and safety of a calm, safe, and predictable living space, period.

Stung

Eauchiche, the concept is new to me too. Someone posted this link on the F&F forum a while ago (I can't remember who, might have been Thumper or HealingWillCome) Two Codependents: A Fable and it's what began this thought process for me. I think about this little story all the dang time because it really resonates with me.

I do a lot of "you owe me" thoughts in regards to my husband (well, to a lot of people but mostly with him). I'm sick today and he's actually enforcing some boundaries of his own and not helping me out and I'm feeling a whole lot of "but you owe me!!" feelings. He doesn't owe me. Anything that I've done to support him was not done to receive future benefits, it was done to be supportive at that time. My husband couldn't help me today, it's not because he doesn't love me, he just couldn't help me - for whatever reason. Same thing with me kicking him out this weekend. I didn't ask him to move out because I don't love him, I just cannot have a co-habitating relationship with him right now with what he has in his life.

Two codependents were out walking one morning when they came to a shallow river. "I’m scared of getting wet." said one. "If you really love me you will carry me across the river." The first codependent naturally agreed to this but, as codependents do, added a condition to the agreement. "I am so scared of walking in the dark woods on the other side" said the first one. "If you love me, you will walk in front of me as we go through the woods to scare away the bad spirits. After all I am doing for you, carrying you over the river, that’s not much to ask."

The second codependent agreed to this condition, as codependents do, so they set off across the river. But before they could reach the other side, the first one started to make comparisons as codependents do: "This isn’t fair. All you have to do is walk ahead of me in the woods. Carrying you is much harder. You make me so angry!"

The more anger he felt, the more exhausted he became from the strain of carrying his partner (as codependents do) until he couldn’t go any further. "I’m too tired." he said "You’ll have to walk the last bit to the river bank yourself." And with that, he let her down (gently but firmly) into the river.

This hurt the second codependent very deeply because it meant he no longer felt any love for her. So, naturally, as codependents do she hid her sadness by getting angry, hoping this would bring the love back again. After complaining bitterly about getting wet she stormed off, forgetting about her half of the bargain.

The first codependent was even more hurt by this because he now knew that there was no love between them any more. He walked sadly through the woods, feeling alone and lost and scared but naturally hiding this behind a mask of anger. However, he built up courage by working out what to say that would hurt his partner the most, when she got home.

Unfortunately neither of them ever discovered that had they looked a little further along the river bank they would have seen a pretty little bridge where two lovers could hold hands and look at the view.

Nor did they ever discover that the bridge led over the river to a path that went safely round the dark woods and on through a meadow full of green grass and flowers, just meant for lovers who wanted to stroll together, side by side, instead of taking turns to carry each other or walk in front of, or behind, one another (as codependents do).

*******************

When one person tries to get their needs met through their partner and the second partner tries to get his or her needs met the same way, (through their partner) the relationship is codependent*.

For this to work there has to be an endless series of conditions and contracts with built-in penalty clauses for non-compliance. These conditions are almost always unspoken because part of ‘getting my needs met through you’ includes the requirement that you will always know automatically what my needs are, without being told!

To make things worse, many of the ‘needs’ that codependents most want taken care of (like the ones in this story) relate to inner fears rather than external problems. That means the partner who tries to meet the need has little hope of success. Even if he or she tries with the best will in the world, they will seldom be able to fix another person’s internal fear for very long.

In reality, these 'contracts' are constantly being broken and penalties applied, so the underlying fear and vulnerability on each side gets worse and worse. This is exactly the environment where the inner selves take over as protectors and, as they do, the chance of intimacy and trust developing becomes less and less.

* There really is no such thing as ‘a codependent,’ just ordinary people who act in codependent ways.
However there is certainly a problem called ‘codependency.’

People who ignore this problem become too codependent too much of the time and end up with additional troubles including failed health, broken relationships and other losses.

Codependency is based on a toxic mix of conditional love and unconditional commitment. In a healthy adult relationship it’s more the opposite way round, that is love is unconditional, while there are, as there should be, clearly stated conditions related to maintaining a high level of commitment.

So, when I am being codependent, I not only miss the chance to learn about meeting my own needs by myself, I also lose the chance of experiencing unconditional love with another human being.