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New developments: remind me to stay on my side of the street

Old 10-30-2014, 05:16 PM
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New developments: remind me to stay on my side of the street

AH and I have been going back and forth in discussing our split. He wants to propose a solution to me instead of using lawyers. His words, 'I get the lawyer thing-everybody's been telling me the same thing, too. I am not interested in this thing going sideways. As a matter of fact, I have a proposal on how to handle the finances and keep you on my insurance. We can be smart or broke."

I'm not sure exactly what he's getting at but I know he has not visited a lawyer yet and based on things he's said in the past, I don't think he honestly understands what the law really means or how to apply it appropriately to our situation. He likes to think on the fly and come up with crazy ideas and, quite frankly, I don't trust a word that comes out of his mouth.

He wants me to meet with him so that we can discuss this together. UGH! Can I tell you all how much I hate talking to him alone? At one point in his emails to me he claimed that his 'affection less marriage' has led him to begin losing function in daily life and that it's affecting his job performance(nope couldn't be the alcoholism and prescription meds, right?). He can't live like this anymore but he wants me to make the decision because the ball is in my court. It's all on me even though I've repeatedly told him that if he wants out, then MOVE OUT and file for divorce.

At one point he claimed that he was trying to give me what I want and that, according his therapist, I am avoiding the inevitable. Um, doesn't that mean that he's avoiding it as well?? ARRGGHHH!!!!

I'm not in the mood to get on the crazy train so please support me as I try to stay on my side of the street. I'm hoping I can meet with him some time over the weekend so that I can just get it over with!
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Old 10-30-2014, 05:18 PM
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Get a lawyer.
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Old 10-30-2014, 05:49 PM
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I second Suki. Trust your gut and get a lawyer.
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Old 10-30-2014, 06:19 PM
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I wouldn't even consider going through this without legal representation if I were you Liz. No way. What a load of Quacking.

I loved another member's way of handling this (maybe hopeful4?) - she did initial consultations with the divorce attorneys in her area that were known as the biggest sharks even though she ultimately retained someone else to represent her. By having just that initial consultation, she basically blocked her AH from bring able to retain them as it would then create a conflict of interest because technically, they had already advised her.

Get a lawyer!
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Old 10-30-2014, 06:36 PM
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I was naive. Thought oh we can be collegial and collaborative.... What I learned is that my nice girl ways kept me in the A mess a long time...and then when it was time to divorce my ways only continued to hurt me...until I got a lawyer that was fast with a scalpel. You might not be ready for it...I definitely wasn't ...but you could cut off months if you rip the band aid off fast....I wish I had. Because either way it costs$
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Old 10-31-2014, 01:33 AM
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Get an attorney. Divorce is complicated and you just need one.
You can do a mediated divorce where you sit with attorneys in the room and hash things out. But beware, divorcing an A can be a workout. Get representation.

I just finalized my divorce after 2.5 years! It has been sheer hell at times. Due to my xAh's passive-aggressive maneuvers (three different attorneys, agreeing on stuff in mediation then changing his mind, not reading anything, dragging his feet, being cheap) it cost $50,000 in lawyer fees. Crazy!
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Old 10-31-2014, 04:21 AM
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"I'm hoping I can meet with him some time over the weekend so that I can just get it over with! "

I agree with what the others said. Just not sure what you would get out of meeting up with him?
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Old 10-31-2014, 06:53 AM
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I too recently started divorce process and did not want or have money to spend on an attorney but it was necessary. Nobody wants to do that. We just have to. It is worth it! Peace is worth it.
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Old 10-31-2014, 07:45 AM
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I agree that except in the simplest of cases a lawyer is essential. Don't forget they're working for you though, and you can keep it reasonable as long as your AH is of the same mind.
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Old 10-31-2014, 07:50 AM
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If he is so willing to be fair than the attorney's won't cost much. File for divorce, start with a fair proposal, and he can review on his own or with his attorney, sign, and be done with it. There is always a little bit of back and forth but divorces and attorney's are only prohibitively expensive if someone is being difficult about it or wanting something inequitable. So why would he want to avoid them when there is so much at stake? If he's so willing to be fair?

So you have some scenarios to think through. Based on his history will he have a fair proposal that does not keep you tied to him? How will he respond when you take that fair proposal to an attorney. Is there a benefit of hearing him out or will this only enrage him at some point if you do not just accept what he has to offer? If he is unwilling to file is this just another move in the game of stringing you along, keeping you where you are, keeping things murky? Play this all the way through - how do you think it will end based on what you know about him?

I do not understand the power play of who files for divorce. Why hold out? Why try and get the other party to file?
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Old 10-31-2014, 07:59 AM
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At some level, marriage involves multiple legal contracts. To dissolve a marriage, you have to take legal action to change those contracts.

For example, if your AH has a pension, you are entitled to some future benefit from it, and that has to be obtained through legal documents. You have joint property, and a joint mortgage that you need to be definitively and legally extracted from.

I found that my now XAH used the divorce process as a carrot and a bludgeon to try to keep me involved with him and to try to scare me that I could not survive financially on my own and NEEDED to go back to him.

You may remember that he sent me spreadsheet after spreadsheet, so many that I threatened to paper his bathroom with them, of supposed divorce settlement proposals that essentially gave him everything, and me nothing.

This is such fertile ground for quacking that, from my experience, I'd say, just don't go there at all, ever. Get a tough lawyer and let them do their job. Don't leave anything in joint possession, even if it means moving and selling the house right now. Any detail that dangles out there is an opportunity for an alcoholic, with their mixed up emotions and divided motivation, to use as a hook to keep you entangled.

You need to be free, and that will cost whatever it will cost.

Best wishes,

ShootingStar1
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Old 10-31-2014, 08:44 AM
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Here's what I see:

his 'affection less marriage' has led him to begin losing function in daily life and that it's affecting his job performance
He wants me to meet with him so that we can discuss this together.
He wants to meet and convince you to sleep with him and then be able to convince you to do things his way. I may be wrong, but that's my guess.

If all you had was STUFF, it would be different. But you have a child, and he's already voiced the opinion that your special needs kid needs to be put in public school so you can get a job. That to me doesn't really sound like someone who's willing to be reasonable and think of what's best for your son.
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Old 10-31-2014, 09:11 AM
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Originally Posted by lillamy View Post
Here's what I see:





He wants to meet and convince you to sleep with him and then be able to convince you to do things his way. I may be wrong, but that's my guess.

If all you had was STUFF, it would be different. But you have a child, and he's already voiced the opinion that your special needs kid needs to be put in public school so you can get a job. That to me doesn't really sound like someone who's willing to be reasonable and think of what's best for your son.
AMEN!!! I already have retained a lawyer, folks. He just doesn't know it. I've met with 3 so far and I chose one last week. She and I have been discussing things and I already know that his 'reasonableness' will only last long enough for him to try to convince me to do things HIS way. I get it. I don't trust a word out of his mouth. It was just 4 weeks ago that he was telling me that our son's tennis would be over if I did 'this' and that tennis a luxury for him.

I don't expect this to be easy. I already rented a storage unit and have been putting extra linens, small older pieces of furniture, our old wi fi router, and other things in storage. I will be slowly moving bits and pieces over there and also trying to acquire a few other new things along the way in case I need to just pack up and run.

I've been organizing things under cabinets, taking pictures of everything in the house as per the lawyer's request. I've resigned myself to the fact that I really don't want much out of the house except for my clothes, my collection of Polish pottery which I use daily, and my books. Nothing is more valuable to me right now but my freedom and protecting my son from the manipulations and fallout.

I was blessed enough to have my son's tennis coach tell me that he would work with ds for free for as long as I needed. I told him I would be divorcing my AH and that money would be tight. He loves our son and wants to help and that saves me $400 a month right there. It was a sign for me.....a chance for me to see that people will step up to help and that I can possibly do this on my own and even still homeschool, too!

AH told me to go ahead and find a car, because all the money belongs to me anyways....Yes, he said it in a pathetic way but I said, "Ok, great, I'll start car shopping soon."

Even my son said he thinks dad acts like a victim. My son will be turning 16 next weekend and AH will miss it. His choice, but it truly was my turning point where I realized how very sick AH is. I mean, what dad wants to miss out on his son's 16th birthday? Sad, just sad.
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Old 10-31-2014, 09:15 AM
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Whew!! I'm so sorry that I misunderstood your post - you weren't entertaining the idea of going lawyer-less at all!

It sounds like you are moving forward on YOUR side of the street & I'm so happy that you are seeing people step up to help you in this process!
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Old 10-31-2014, 09:19 AM
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I already know that his 'reasonableness' will only last long enough for him to try to convince me to do things HIS way.
Yep, that's pretty likely. And it irritates me that he's trying to blackmail you by telling you all the things your son "has to" give up if you do this thing. That's emotional blackmail and he should be ashamed of himself for using your love for your son as a way to put pressure on you.

I saw the same thing you did when I divorced, that people came out of the woodwork willing to help. I thought I was the only one who saw AXH's dark side, but that turned out not to be the case at all. I even had a former boss of AXH's call me and congratulate me and tell me if there was anything he and his wife could do for me, just to let them know...
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Old 10-31-2014, 09:43 AM
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Originally Posted by FireSprite View Post
Whew!! I'm so sorry that I misunderstood your post - you weren't entertaining the idea of going lawyer-less at all!

It sounds like you are moving forward on YOUR side of the street & I'm so happy that you are seeing people step up to help you in this process!
Sorry about that. I just need encouragement to keep my mouth shut when he tells me his 'proposal'. Both my sponsor and my therapist think I should at least hear him out, especially since we still live in the same house together. I have already made up my mind to use a lawyer so nothing he says will change that. I just have to keep my mouth shut and not roll my eyes, defend myself when he starts blaming or making excuses, etc. I just need to be calm and that was where I needed encouragement.

FYI: I am meeting with him on Sunday AM. I will picture him dressed as a duck and quacking while I try to sit still and NOT SCREAM! Well, who knows, maybe he will be lucid and have some good thoughts. The problem is, his good thoughts and well intentions only last as long as his brief sobriety does. Just long enough for me to think it might last and then the cycle begins again. No thank you.....no more for me. I wish him well and hope he finds his new beginning just as joyful as mine will be!
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Old 10-31-2014, 09:58 AM
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It was me. Get an attorney, it's well worth it! Keep in mind, there are also laws about him "leaving you on his insurance." That is not possible a lot of times.

Originally Posted by FireSprite View Post
I wouldn't even consider going through this without legal representation if I were you Liz. No way. What a load of Quacking.

I loved another member's way of handling this (maybe hopeful4?) - she did initial consultations with the divorce attorneys in her area that were known as the biggest sharks even though she ultimately retained someone else to represent her. By having just that initial consultation, she basically blocked her AH from bring able to retain them as it would then create a conflict of interest because technically, they had already advised her.

Get a lawyer!
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Old 10-31-2014, 12:50 PM
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Originally Posted by hopeful4 View Post
It was me. Get an attorney, it's well worth it! Keep in mind, there are also laws about him "leaving you on his insurance." That is not possible a lot of times.
I don't even want to be on his insurance!!! I want to figure out how to do it on my own and I don't want to have to communicate with him about anything except our son and his schedule. I am that far DONE! The last thing I need is to be indebted to him in the future. UGH.
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Old 10-31-2014, 04:22 PM
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Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
AMEN!!! I already have retained a lawyer, folks. He just doesn't know it. I've met with 3 so far and I chose one last week. She and I have been discussing things and I already know that his 'reasonableness' will only last long enough for him to try to convince me to do things HIS way. I get it. I don't trust a word out of his mouth. It was just 4 weeks ago that he was telling me that our son's tennis would be over if I did 'this' and that tennis a luxury for him.

I don't expect this to be easy. I already rented a storage unit and have been putting extra linens, small older pieces of furniture, our old wi fi router, and other things in storage. I will be slowly moving bits and pieces over there and also trying to acquire a few other new things along the way in case I need to just pack up and run.

I've been organizing things under cabinets, taking pictures of everything in the house as per the lawyer's request. I've resigned myself to the fact that I really don't want much out of the house except for my clothes, my collection of Polish pottery which I use daily, and my books. Nothing is more valuable to me right now but my freedom and protecting my son from the manipulations and fallout.

I was blessed enough to have my son's tennis coach tell me that he would work with ds for free for as long as I needed. I told him I would be divorcing my AH and that money would be tight. He loves our son and wants to help and that saves me $400 a month right there. It was a sign for me.....a chance for me to see that people will step up to help and that I can possibly do this on my own and even still homeschool, too!

AH told me to go ahead and find a car, because all the money belongs to me anyways....Yes, he said it in a pathetic way but I said, "Ok, great, I'll start car shopping soon."

Even my son said he thinks dad acts like a victim. My son will be turning 16 next weekend and AH will miss it. His choice, but it truly was my turning point where I realized how very sick AH is. I mean, what dad wants to miss out on his son's 16th birthday? Sad, just sad.
Great. Next time he says the money is ALL YOURS, get him to put it in writing! Ha!

Is your Polish pottery the blue and white stuff with small blue flowers and designs on it? I saw that over the summer in a china shop and LOVED it.
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Old 10-31-2014, 10:40 PM
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Originally Posted by MissFixit View Post
Great. Next time he says the money is ALL YOURS, get him to put it in writing! Ha!

Is your Polish pottery the blue and white stuff with small blue flowers and designs on it? I saw that over the summer in a china shop and LOVED it.
Yes, I collect the Ikat which is a darker blue and seems to be more expensive. My mom has a huge collection and she got me started. I only ask for pieces for my birthday or Christmas and I don't buy any during the year so it's special to me.
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