Bizarre behaviour - burning my mail?
 

I was wondering if anyone could shed some light on a weird incident that happened 2 weeks ago.

My AH stayed home sick- playing hooky which was fine as the VoIP installers were coming and he wanted to get stuff done. He did get some flooring done and make dinner. When I got home I could tell by his reactions and the look of him that he was drinking. He keeps going outside out front to get this or that - must have a stash out there.

Before dark, I saw him go out back a few times and the last time he was taking out the lighter. I followed him out, figuring he was starting a campfire but something made me feel suspicious. I have a good instinct for these things, turns out. I find him trying to light a big pile of branches in the firepit. Only two pieces of paper and he's trying hard to light one. First of all, nowhere near enough paper to get the fire started. Secondly they look like envelopes. I look closer at the one he's trying to light and see its from superior propane. I figure it must be old as we have returned our tank and discontinued service. I tell him to stop as it is too windy. Something about this is bothering me but I can't put my finger on it - but for some reason I feel I need to stop him from starting this fire.

He stops and leaves the firepit. Later, it hits me, I am waiting for a cheque from superior to refund the propane that was in the tank! He is already in bed - it is around 7:30. I ask him, where did he get that letter that he was trying to light in the firepit. He says it was garbage, I ask him where he found it, he says it was already torn up with a bunch of other torn up papers. I said I am waiting for a cheque from them, I am going to see. I went out and the two papers were two unopened letters addressed to me. I bring them in and show him and said they are not torn, they are letters to me, why did you burn them. He says well I guess I'm just a jerk and did it on purpose. I agree and walk out - I am done with taking on the blame in these games he plays where he won't accept responsibility for something but tries to make me feel bad for mentioning it. Now when he says 'I guess I'm just a jerk' or 'I must have done it on purpose' I just agree - why argue?

So I check the envelopes and one is my rebate cheque, the other is from Amex, also a rebate cheque! I am so enraged! No wonder he was secretive about burning them! Who burns someone else's unopened mail! And then lies about it being garbage and torn! He can't have known they were cheques, but it can't be an accident when they had just arrived, he took them from the mailbox shortly before and that was all that was being burned under the branches.

The next morning I tell him I am going to deposit the cheques he tried to burn. I tell him calmly that I want to tell him what I observed last night and that I was angry. He says the letters were with a whole bunch of ripped up papers so he didn't notice (I checked again when I got home, just a small part page of newspaper that looked like it was there from before. No ripped up papers.) Of course, he totally denied being drunk. I told him I don't believe him and walked out.

It makes no sense. There was no gain to it, he didn't seem angry at me, it's just too weird. Any ideas? It's one thing to try not to make sense of their behaviour when it may not have any logic, but this is just way out there. I feel like I have to watch him like a hawk - which is not helping my working on detaching!

Weird. Alcoholics sometimes just do Things That Make No Sense.

My ex did all kinds of weird crap in blackouts. He never had any recollection later, and of course always denied being drunk. He'd put something in the oven and leave it on all night, pack up a big bag of stuff and throw it in the crawlspace, he smashed the cat tower with a baseball bat because he thought it was an intruder in the house and put dozens of holes in the walls with his fists because he thought someone was attacking him.
I think he has Korsakoff's dementia on top of the many brain injuries he's suffered. He also loved lighting fires in the backyard. The neighbors used to call the FD until I built a firepit out of some old cinderblocks his hoarder dad dumped at our house.
Maybe you could get a PO box for important letters/bills.

Lucy...that is frightening. Maybe he didn't know what was in those envelopes, but the fact that he was going to destroy them is very scary. At the very least, it sounds to me like he is trying to keep you under control. Please be cautious around him and take care of yourself.

I imagine he got them out of the mail because he was drunk, needed some paper to light the fire, and that's what he did. Coincidental that they were both checks. Then, he lied about it and stuck with the lie.

Just typical alcoholic behavior to me.

he sounds crazy. i mean really scary crazy. i could not feel safe living with that.

Thought I'd drop in on you all in F&F for a minute to chime in here. The reason for my response here is because, back 3 years ago when I was an active alcoholic, I decided I'd burn my mail as opposed to just throw it out. I lived in the crowded center of downtown Chicago and there I was, throwing flaming letters out the window. The Fire Department came, and needless to say they weren't too thrilled when I told them I was just "burning mail for no reason". The Fire Chief entered my home with a huge axe and he looked like he was going to use it on me thanks to me wasting valuable city resources and time.

Anyway, I can't say why I did it. No real reason. All I did at that point was drink all day - perhaps lighting a fire just made it more interesting? I wasn't thinking of anyone else, or how I was harming others. I was just burning mail because it was made of paper, and thus could be burned. There's often no rhyme or reason for many of the dumb things alcoholics do. Lots of my old behavior defies logic. It sounds like your AH's does as well.

All the best to you and thanks for letting me share my experience!

I'm sure he didn't know they were cheques and that was just bad luck. The whole thing is just so odd, and infuriating that he lied and showed no remorse for it. If I did something like that by accident I'd be apologizing like crazy.

He's used to not taking responsibility for his actions and trying to make me feel bad for mentioning anything he does wrong.

Is it possible he's expecting something he doesn't want you to see and being so drunk thought that was it? I bet something did eventually come in the mail. Something he bought with payments he doesn't want you to know about. Who knows. A letter from another woman. God it could be anything. I'm only speculating from my situation and what my idiot would do. That's when my stxa gets rid of stuff. When he's done something that I set a very clear boundary for. But they are too drunk to cover their tracks properly.

Hi lucybb,

to put things into perspective, a while back there was a media news story about a drunk guy that gave mouth to mouth resuscitation to a skunk like road kill animal on a highway.

i think it was a sticky?

burning a couple of letters might be better then french kissing a skunk??

You're trying to look at an irrational thing (alcoholism) rationally, which is much like nailing Jell-O to a tree. You're better off not trying to figure out why, because all it really boils down to is "he's an alcoholic". I'm not sure about Canada, but in the US, stealing or otherwise tampering with someone else's mail is a federal crime. The postal service takes it quite seriously. I reported my own mother for opening mail that was addressed to me (she was looking for checks or cash to steal from me, as usual).

If he's not otherwise abusive, it might be just one of those insane things that alcoholics sometimes do. If he's abusive/controlling, then it has more sinister overtones.

Either way, though, what he did was dangerous and destructive. I'd keep a very close eye out for other bizarre behavior. What if he took it in his head to start a fire in the house, or if the wind picked up and blew burning debris around and burned your house, or a neighbor's?

Burning the mail may be an alcoholic thing and/or an abusive thing. May I suggest you check all your important documents are still where they should be. If so, get them out of the house and somewhere he can't get to them.

His actions have malice in them. He knew what he was doing, and tried to hide it. Then he said he did it on purpose.

I wouldn't take it lightly. It seems to me to be a signal to watch since it was clearly directly against you and intended to cause you harm. It may be that, as his inhibitions become less and less due to the alcohol, that his less and less able to control his anger against you.

ShootingStar1

There is no understanding a crazy thing like that. Get your own PO box.

Quite a few good suggestions/comments already posted above (ladyscribbler, Tentindependent, 53500, ShootingStar1):
1) Get your own P.O. box and re-route the important mail there.
2) Be on the look-out for anything else that could come in the mail that he might want to destroy.
3) I'm concerned about the concept of the spouse becoming a mirror for his own anger with himself. If burning mail addressed to you was actually an act of malice, I worry about your safety.

Is there someone in your area who knows about your situation? Could you devise a code word for them if ever you felt you needed back-up at your home, or a place where you could go to (even if it meant leaving the house without telling him first, just because you get another funny feeling that something isn't right?)

The word would have to be something that wouldn't make him suspicious. My brother told his daughter to call and refer to him as Batman if she wanted to get a ride home from a party gone wrong, etc. (Because sometimes everyone needs a hero).