NYCDoglvr

I don't think it matters what an active alcoholic says. It's actions that count ... does he act as if he loves you?

Butterfly

Well I haven't seen him in 4 weeks, spoken to him in nearly 3 weeks basically he ignores me has asked once in nearly 8 months how I am or if I need anything has never asked how the kids are so I'd say a big fat NO!

This is what I am learning to accept this week that it didn't matter what he said even after he left about how he felt or wanted his actions have shown that he doesn't love me and want to be with me and our kids!! In September We had agreed to meet at the end of October to talk things through well that time has came and went and I heard nothing. That tells me everything I need to know really ��. Accepting this is the hardest thing I've had to accept and it has brought me right back down again and very tearful.

I feel sad, disappointed and deeply hurt and angry that after all the years together and all his talk of how he loves me more and more each day and never wanted his future without me just feels like it was all lies and manipulation because when I became adamant about him getting help he leaves a week later.

I feel angry.for my kids he's not much interest in them either. He does collect my DS in the mornings for school and will bring him home some days but only if it's at the time he finishes work if my son finishes at the gym early he has to wait around for about an hour and he only does this as he heads that way to work!! DS and DD are invited up once a week for dinner either a wed or a thurs no other nights and if they have other arrangements they don't see him. My DS has been off school all week on half term break and he hasn't seen him as he stayed in his girlfriends house tues and wed!! DS has stayed overnight twice with him and both occasions has came home in really bad form and usually makes up excuses not to stay, he will go for dinner but then say he has homework to do and needs to come home. Usually stays about 2/3 hours.

DD I think the last time she saw him was the night before he went on his holidays about 4 weeks ago, she works long hours but I honestly don't think she can be bothered with him. He sent her a text the other night at 1am saying how he really needed to see her as he misses her and even misses their arguments! My daughters response he must have been drunk!!!

I try to be positive around the kids even though mentioning him. Upsets me but I said to my DD when she told me about the message honey he misses you you should go for dinner her response what once a week!!

I think he wants to see them the wed or thurs night as Monday and Tuesday he's recovering from his weekend binge and Friday is then the start of it all again, I don't know I could be wrong.

He has literally walked out on us all and his actions show us all drinking and doing his own thing is more important. ��

LexieCat

Hi, Butterfly,

I'm an alcoholic (six years sober) and have been married to two alcoholics. My first husband did finally choose to get sober and stay that way (34 years and counting) and my second went back to drinking. Yes, it hurt when my second husband "chose" alcohol over me and our marriage.

My own alcoholism manifested later in life, and I've gotten close to many, many alcoholics in AA. Here's what I have learned. It isn't just a simple "choice" to drink, for an alcoholic. It is more of a burning physical NEED. Imagine having a horrible, torturing rash and being told, "If you choose to scratch that, you must not care about me." Chances are you would scratch the itch, protesting that your scratching has nothing to do with how you feel about the other person. And you would be right, but if your scratching was so disturbing to the other person that he left, would you feel compelled to justify it? And to continue to protest that you loved the person?

It's something that nobody who isn't an alcoholic can really understand, how we can let drinking steal so much from us. I feel sad that my second husband is still suffering. I don't doubt that he loved me as well as his disease would allow him to, and I also know I could not live with his drinking, so parting ways was the right thing for me.

I hope you find some acceptance. With that comes peace.

HealingWillCome

I found myself thinking about this several times yesterday, Lexie. It's one of the most helpful things I've read on SR. Thanks for this explanation!

LexieCat

And to answer what a lot of people would consider a followup question--"But what if there is a treatment that could CURE the itch, and instead the person keeps on scratching?" Well, yeah, that's a good question. Suppose the treatment required a huge commitment, including changing almost everything about yourself and your life, but scratching gave you instant relief? Wouldn't you feel maybe that the person demanding that you stop was being a little unreasonable?

Of course, none of this is an exact analogy--alcoholism (and relationships) are a lot more complicated than this. But it does kind of capture what is going through the alcoholic's mind when people insist that love equals choosing not to drink.

Rosalba

I really feel for you. My alcoholic ex-partner ended the relationship three months after I'd shifted myself about 200 miles to be with him. He'd actually been off the booze for a few weeks, but then made up for lost time when Xmas was on the horizon.

I suspect that I was meant to grovel and try to patch things up, but I didn't. The night he ended it, he threw everything imaginable in an attempt to hurt me, but I just let it float straight past ("this isn't about me, it's about him"), didn't engage with it at all, and very carefully said nothing mean that I'd regret later.

I didn't allow myself to dwell on the things he said. They do fall into the category of 'things I cannot change' and they say something about who he is, not who I am. To have revisited in any meaningful way would have sent me crazy - and I needed my energy to continue with my own life.

I don't care what his feelings for me are/were. I'm profoundly grateful that it was living with him that led me to Alanon. I'd had experience with CoDA, but I hadn't connected my choice of partners with my father's alcoholism - the others were all emotionally unavailable to varying degrees and/or very controlling. But this guy was the one who could really teach me my spiritual lessons... without him being aware of it for a split second!