Butterfly

Yes I think that is what I am trying to do make it black and white when the logical part of my brain knows there is nothing logical about addiction. And your right to him it may not make sense but how do I move on and accept this has happened, he would rather drink than be with his family it is what it is and there is nothing I can do about it except look after myself. I have realised so much in counselling but that's just it they're realisations I don't know what to do with them! I'm so frustrated with myself

FireSprite

Just a thought - are you mixing Forgiveness (or other things) in with your idea of Acceptance?

Accepting this reality doesn't mean you Accept the treatment you received, or that you forgive it in any way. You are merely accepting that you can't change what actually happened. You are accepting that his actions are out of YOUR control.

MissFixit

Okay. This is between you and T, but maybe you need anti-depressants or some other meds? I am NOT getting in your business or recommending anything. I needed anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds for about a year after my break up and we were no contact.

It takes time. Making new memories that do not include the ex. You life will not be the same, but you can make it positive if you choose to create it that way.

Therapy, meds if you need them, no contact, new friends, different city, new hobby, different job, more exercise, better sleep, mediation, better diet...all these things can help, but it takes time. Pity parties are okay for a short time, but dwelling in the depression for too long begins to create new problems to solve.

Acknowledging and addressing family of origin issues helped me a bunch.

SparkleKitty

For me, in therapy there came a point where my understanding of what I was dealing with was really really high, but my internal resources to cope and deal with what I was learning were still very limited. It takes time for that to balance out. Getting frustrated with yourself is normal, but a big distraction. For me, Acceptance started with my own acceptance of how I was feeling without judgment. There was no point criticizing myself for not getting better faster. There isn't a scorecard for this stuff!

I think Hammer would say, You are exactly where you should be. And I would say, you really are doing better than you feel like you are. This whole process requires a bit of trust that you really aren't going to feel like this forever. For one thing, it isn't sustainable. It's a journey, not a jump.

dandylion

Butterfly.....Even with the other efforts which I hope you are considering and applying....
IT STILL TAKES TIME AND SPACE to heal. Lots of it for a major life loss.

dandylion

walkinganewpath

Thanks for this thread...actually quite a few lately have hit home. Nothing critical just a few wider eye looks at my family life.

Making progress working through making sure kids and I can be ok - we are now but the weirdness (drunk talk, blackouts, wacky behavior, ahhh shut up already and go to bed!!!) - has slowly steadily been increasing.

While I don't post much I do post thanks and do a lot of reading - it helps. So thanks

Butterfly

Thank you

Firesprite I don't think I'm getting forgiveness and acceptance mixed up I know for sure I am nowhere near ready to forgive him and as this time I'm not working on that!!

Missfixit, I am on antidepressants and have worked really hard with my counsellor and a previous one about my childhood. I know I'm a fixer and want to solve things because then I will be worthy, loveable and if I could fix my AH addiction then we would be happy and how I felt as a child was wrong and I was important I deserved to be loved, I was and am worthy. For me when things go wrong it's my fault it's because I'm not good enough, I'm boring etc. I have been trying to fix other people to fix myself. This is what I mean I know this but don't know what to do with it!!

Dandylion I am still making so much effort to work on myself, reading my books and trying to change the focus from him to myself but I struggle with this.

MissFixit

If you are doing this good work on yourself already, you are walking in the right direction. You know you need to "fix" yourself not others, so how are you going to accomplish that? What steps will you take to heal yourself? Pretend you are your own friend looking into your life, what changes would you recommend?

ladyscribbler

he would rather drink than be with his family

My ex made the same choice. Many alcoholics and addicts do. It is hurtful, there's no getting around that, but it's also not personal. And yes, I heard all the loving words and promises that came before that moment of truth. His choice is not a reflection of me or my worthiness as a person and a partner. He did not just abandon our family, but also himself and his own well being. He would rather drink than do anything.
I am about one year out of it- 13 months. It does get easier, but I had to stop looking for a logical, sensible explanation from him, because that is simply not possible. He creates his own reality on a daily, sometimes hourly basis, a world of denial where I abandoned him and am the one responsible for our breakup and his subsequent alienation from our son.
Thanks to Gracie Lou for her incredibly enlightening perspective on that. Those posts are probably the best explanations I've ever seen of the thought process that an addicted person experiences.
Firesprite also makes a great point about trying to apply logic to addiction. Addiction is an illogical, irrational state of being. Choosing alcohol over family is always going to seem crazy to those of us who are not alcoholics. That's why it is a disease. A healthy mind doesn't make those types of choices.

theuncertainty

((((hugs)))) Butterfly. I went through a very similar phase of "but I NEED to know". And I STILL occasionally go rounds of needing to know why AXH would choose alcohol over doing what he needs to do to see DS. But Firesprite is right. Addiction isn't logical and there may never be a clear reason behind the push and pull of "was it real or was it all manipulation?" It could very well be that it's both. And doesn't that suck, because that's not a clear-cut answer either.

It may be silly, but one thing that helped me get past my need to have it make sense was a children's book I'd gotten for DS, "The Brown Bottle" by Penny Jones. It's about a caterpillar that finds a brown bottle in the field and leaves everything, stops doing anything with his friends, to live in the glow of the bottle.

It doesn't make sense. Addiction is a twisted and heartbreaking issue. There isn't a straight line in the progression of the disease and there isn't a straight explanation for wreckage it leaves.

And, healing from the damage isn't a straight line, either. Whatever it was in the children's book that clicked for me, may not be what you need to flip the switch. But I see you working with it when you write here, and you're in therapy. Even if you think you may never get past the hurt; I believe that you can.

You're going to be OK. You already are. ((((hugs))))

Overit23

Butterfly I feel your pain and your hurt`Let yourself feel, let yourself cry~it is all part of the grieving process! It is ok to feel someone told me it is away to cleanse yourself~
Big Hugs~

FireSprite

I've been searching my memory banks all morning thinking about this Butterfly.

Maybe this will help - I struggled with this A LOT in early recovery. I wanted answers. I had a lot of the same kinds of push/pull stuff with AH. He said one thing & his actions showed something different. I pressed him & pressed him for clarification & finally, one day he just BLEW up, something like this:

"I DON'T KNOW!!! You can ask me this stuff all day long, every day & I still won't know why I said/did things that I did. It doesn't make any sense TO ME either!!"

He really, really, REALLY didn't know then & still doesn't know now, no matter how many times I ask. I had to decide that I wasn't willing to go mad over questions with no answers.

Thumper

You don't need to apologize to me Butterfly. Some of the things that trigger us result in great new learning

You know - I have come to believe that my ex does love me. I think he still loves me today. I do not accept that our history was lies. It felt real and I choose to believe it was real. I left him yet I love him. I love him for the memories I have, the children we created, the decades we shared. I will never be in a relationship with him again.

That love does not erase the devastation and destruction that occurred in our relationship just like the devastation does not erase the love. They are both parts of a whole.

Can you accept that alcoholism is a disease and that it changes the very chemistry of a brain and the way it processing information and thoughts? It is possible that all those things he said are true. Both can be true. When an active addict is in the throws of addiction I believe that drinking is like breathing. Asking him to quit drinking is about the same as if you said to me "Thumper, would you quit breathing if it meant that you could magically change things and get the life you imagined on your wedding day."

I wanted that life with everything in my being. When I allow myself, I still daydream about it. What if I could have it if only I'd give up breathing? I can't want it more - but I can't quit breathing either. There is no way to get from here to there. You are asking me to do something that is impossible. The alcoholics brain views drinking in kind of the same way. This is one way that I was able to come to terms with the fact that my ex would walk away from every single promise and dream we had ever shared as well as walk away from four beautiful boys. It is unimaginable to me - but I'm not an addict.

Butterfly

Missfixit I have no idea what else I can do to heal myself, I'm in counselling, I'm reading everything I can get my hands on, trying to keep busy and see friends, I don't know what else I can do except give myself time, patience and distance?

Thank you Ladyscribbler

Firesprite thank you you actually took me down memory lane with the comment, my AH said something very similar to me he also said that what he wants and feels changes daily sometimes hourly, so thank you for reminding me.

Theuncertainty, your right actually everyone is right and I have to stop trying to apply logic to something that isn't logical, a difficulty I have is I can apply logic to everyone else and genuinely believe what I say to others on this forum but when it comes to me my default is blame myself, I need to change this.

Thumper I am trying to change my thinking and accept its a disease

Thank you everyone for all your support & encouragement.

MissFixit

Time and distance.

Is there something you have always wanted to do, but never tried? A place you want to see? A language you want to learn? A book you want to read?

Lifeishard

Hi butterfly. I was like you.... Questions that I asked him over and over again but the reality is he left as you got in the way of his real love.... Alcohol.

Like you I have struggled but it does get easier. I was no contact with my stbxh for a long time and he doesn't see our two young children due to the fact he continued to drink drive with them.

Anyhow I came across a previous post on here and the link to the video has really helped me. I have since cut contact with the ex again and feel better. The contact really does set one back many steps in recovery. The simple fact is you need to let him go and try to let go what he has done to you. Let him go butterfly for the life that he chooses to lead. I hope you listen to the below link and that it helps you as it has done for me....

http://vimeo.com/m/86149821

GracieLou

You word these as if they are not enough, you are minimizing these three things.

They are very important in recovery and is something, I for one, never give myself enough of.

I want to feel better, now. I want the distance to have made a difference, now. I want to feel patient rather than be on edge like I am always waiting for something.

It is a form of grief and I went though it. I did not like it and I wanted it gone. I wanted to go back to the familiar, even if it was bad for me, because in some ways it made me feel secure. I did not like new or change because it felt negative at first. I wanted to forget and just be whole.

I hate to say it because I heard it so many times myself and even today I want to say "shut up, I KNOW already!" but....It is a process, a journey.

The difficulties and the struggles I face did not happen overnight and getting out is not going to happen over night. The one thing I have learned is it does get better the more I move forward. Moving backward got me no place. I just sat in the funk!

The fact that you are even giving yourself time, trying to be patient with yourself and allowing distance so you can get some clear thoughts means you have already moved forward. They may be small steps but they are steps in the right direction.

Butterfly

Missfixit between work, kids, although they're older and home I don't have a lot of time for myself but I did go back to uni in September which is something I have always wanted to do.

Thank you lifeishard that video was helpful

Gracielou thank you I don't see that time, patience and distance is part of my recovery because I want everything to be better now. I need to accept that it will take time to feel better and I need to be patient with myself and try to stay in the moment instead of future tripping or obsessing over the past and the whys and how's

FeelingGreat

You have to power through this time B, no matter how hard it feels. You've been hanging your self-esteem onto what he thinks of you, and he is not the one who gets to decide whether you're a worthy loveable person.

You think he should give up drinking? I'm going to give you a challenge of equal difficulty. Give him up. It will be like an alcoholic becoming sober. It's not easy; I should know.

When I stopped drinking I had strategies for distracting myself, substituting other drinks, exercising more, training myself not to dwell on drinking, staying away from temptation, and SR.

Can you prove to yourself that you're stronger that an alcoholic who can't give up the drink?

Butterfly

I will do my best feelinggreat. Thank you