need to vent
 

Last night I was up till around 2:00 in the morning even though I have to get up at 5:15 am sitting in our bed with him in the dark whil he list all the ways I have hurt him,disrespected him baisically just been a cold hearted bitch toward him.Oh and how my phone is so much more important to me than he is and ALL of this is completley imagined in his sick mind and jet once again I find myself in shock and as I cried he said Why are you crying you shouldnt be bothered by any of this these are things YOU HAVE DONE YOU YOU DID THESE THINGS SO WHY DOES IT BOTHER YOU NOW??

While you have no control about what is coming out of his mouth, my question for you is why did you choose to sit there and listen to it?

Nothing changes if nothing changes. He is quite full of crap, and I think you know that. He is trying to manipulate you, and if you choose to sit and listen to it, you are letting him.

I don't say this to be harsh, but a good starting point for you would be to make a boundary that you walk away if he start in with manipulating or mean behavior. Just a thought. I am so sorry, I know that hurts.

XXX

Reading back through a few of your recent posts has me wondering if you've ever given any thought to getting some distance from your AH for a while? Even if you can't (or don't want to) think in terms of separating, why not just get up & get some distance when he is raving at you like that? (like hopeful said)

I think the kinds of constant verbal & emotional abuse he has been heaping on you are making it really hard for you to see them clearly & understand just HOW damaging it all is. It seems like he's battering you so that you don't realize your own worth & will remain too timid to go out & seek help.

You have as much power to change this dynamic as he does, you just have to take that first baby step in any direction. ((((HUGS))))

What he is doing is abuse. You don't have to choose to continue living with it. You have a right to live your life without that. Being forced to stay awake is a well-known form of torture. It is just as unacceptable as if he was beating you.

I'm so sorry. I wish for you a place of safety and rest. (((hug)))

I have been in your shoes. I felt like I could not walk away - not unless I wanted to get four small children out of bed during that mess and just drive around in the middle of the night for hours on end. I do not have many true regrets. I felt like most of the decisions I made were me doing the best I could with what I had/knew. I do regret not making him leave during that time. I knew how to make him leave and I didn't - and I deeply regret that. There was a lasting negative impact on me and my children from that month and there are no do overs.

One night, after *hours* of ranting at me and tearing things up, while I was completely silent, he drove off to get more beer. It was about 3:30am. As he drove off I felt a desperate panic in my heart. It was an actually physical feeling. I cried - but I was crying for him, not me. I wanted to save him and it suddenly hit me. I was frightened and desperate to save the wrong person. I didn't feel anything for me??!? It was like a light bulb for me at that moment. It was suddenly clear that my internal thoughts and views on my life were a fantasy and did not match my reality at all. The confusion and fog was so thick but at that moment I knew, without a doubt, that I had a lot of very serious work to do myself.

We all deserve serenity in our days and our nights. We are responsible for creating it.

While I know you may not be prepared to leave, I mean just walk into another room and shut the door. You are not obligated to listen to that. I did that w/my for about six months before we actually split. I would just say, "This is not true and I won't listen to it," and walk away. That did a few things, helped save my own sanity, kept my children from hearing us argue, or him rant, and did actually curb the behavior some. He knew I would not participate.

Hugs.

"He knew I would not participate."

Bam.

That's the key. I had an abusive exABF like this. One night at 2AM, in MY house, I got sick of him badgering me. I asked him to leave, but he wouldn't. This was before cell phones, and he wouldn't let me make a phone call, either. I left my house and spent the night at a friend's house. When I returned the next day, I decided to get out of the relationship. When I told him, the behavior escalated to threats on my life and suicide threats. It took a few calls to the police for him to understand I was serious.

He was scary. I've been following your threads, and your husband is scary.

unease7....This is wrong for him to do. It is not your fault. You do not deserve this and should not be treated this way.

As lillamy just said---forcing someone to stay awake is a well-known form of torture. This is emotional and physical abuse. You may have not thought of it this way before....but, it most definitely is.

You do not have to live this way. There is help and you do have options...even though you may not know that or what your options are.

Unease, can you share with us any thoughts or plans that y ou may have??
Many, here, have been in your same shoes....you are not alone!!!!!!!!!!

dandylion

hugs- when he starts in on you, you have a choice to sit and listen to the ranting or get up and leave (even if it just to go another room bathroom.) When my AH would start in on me I would get up and leave the room. There were times I would sleep with the kids til I knew he was asleep so I didn't have to listen to him. The first time is always the hardest, but once you chose not to just sit there and do nothing

I know I can go to my mothers,she's only about 10 minutes away Its that I would have had to wake both the kids put them into the car and go back in house to get there bookbags, school clothes ,my clothes for work and I dont think he would have just stood there calmly and stayed out of my way while I did this.He told me last night in his own way that he hates for me to try to do ANYTHING on my own he wants me to need him.

You do have the choice to walk to another room and not to listen. I get it about packing up the kids. Point being, you do not have to listen to the crap he is spewing, that is a choice.

unease7....can you go to your mother's to stay? Does your family know what you are going through?

DANDYLION

Yes, this is psychological torture. The name of the technique is "monstering", when the interrogator stays awake for days and keeps the same schedule as the sleep deprived detainee. Our office was next to the interrogators in Iraq, so I learned a lot of bizarre tidbits like that.
You are very focused on WHAT he is saying to you, but I must say that none of the specifics really matter that much. He is doing this for the purpose of making you suffer, not because there is anything wrong with YOU, but because he has some kind of sick need inside of him to make other people suffer. He could be reading out of the telephone book for all that it matters. His words really are that meaningless. It is your reaction that gives them power over you, if that makes sense.
When my ex did this stuff I used to leave the house when I was able, when I could pack the kids into the car and take off someplace. Other times, when I tried to simply leave the room he would follow me, no matter where I went and what I did. We had no doors in the house (except the bathroom, which had no lock) talk about no boundaries. It was impossible to avoid him. I started putting in earplugs before bed, which sometimes helped, but then he would also turn on the light.
By the time I left I was contemplating some pretty extreme measures to make him stop this behavior- mostly involving stun guns and other weapons- but in the end it really was easier for me to just leave him.
Thanks for posting again. I'm glad to see you're still coming back. Have you reached out for some real life help? I know Alanon meetings weren't possible for you, have you thought about calling the DV hotline, just to talk to someone about what options might be available to you?
Whatever happens, keep posting. We are all here for you. Big hugs.

I think, if this were me, I'd pack up some extra clothes for myself & the kids & either leave them in the trunk of my car or just take them to my mom's so they would be there if needed.... because this:

is scary. To me this says he will continue to ramp up his abuse toward you until he feels like he has 100% control. But guess what? He'll never reach that point because his own paranoia will convince him otherwise (just like it is now when he's accusing you of things you've never done) & the situation will continue to escalate.

Kids being woken in the middle of the night by mom to go to a safe place is a lot less damaging that staying in an abusive environment, IMO. Does your mom know what is going on in your life?

I used to have to call the police sometimes when he tried to physically stop me from leaving the house or rip the phone out of my hand and try to smash it. They would wait there while I packed bags and left. They wouldn't arrest him or hurt him, just keep him calm while I got out of the house. Do you have a "burner" phone? A prepaid phone to just dial 911 or your mom if needed? I ended up having to get one toward the end when things got really bad. I kept it hidden on my person at all times, just in case.

Any independence I have he hates it , he is sick and I told him I am tired of these pity parties he throws and that his own pride is more important to him than me or the girls he had this look of how dare you on his face just like he was shocked and he said that I never use to talk to him that way,and I said yes thats because I use to put up with your ****. But I noticed from looking back at all of my posts these episodes have become a weekly thing and why should he change its working for him I know I have to make some changes.

ladyscribbler, I just wanted to say how brave I think you are.

I think the best thing we can do in these extreme cases is make a plan to leave, but I'm so sorry you had to go to the lengths of keeping a burner phone on your person.

UE- I hate to say that I spent many of nights in my car. I had to leave because my AH wouldn't leave me alone while he was drunk. So I took off and slept in car. Not something that I am proud of but it is my past. I would go and park in the parking lot of our local hospital.

Horrible and degrading but at least I got away from him.

If that works then for sure do that. He may follow you. My ex would follow me all over the house. We didn't actually have any doors that locked but I suspect he'd have broke the lock anyway.

I think Dandylion has a very good idea. If you can stay at your mom's house for awhile really give that some consideration. No getting up in the middle of the night or dealing with a scary situation. Just a break. Any break will help you. A weekend, a week, any amount of time and having her there for support may also be a help if she is supportive.

I don't know unease. :( This is a red flag. I don't know much about domestic violence and physical violence was not something I had to worry about but this doesn't sound good. If you do not feel safe, please know you can find help. If you do not have family that can help you today you can call a domestic abuse hotline. They can help and guide you with what has already happened and they can also guide you in any plans you want to make when you are ready.

My heart is going out to you unease. What he is doing is not right. You and your kiddos deserve love and tenderness and happiness and to lay down and rest at night in calmness and safety.

He was scary. I've been following your threads, and "your husband is scary"

I just wanted to say thanks you for your response back in October. Of all the replies I rcvd yours really got my attention and it has stuck with me, I got the feeling that you know what scary is and you recognized it in my AH. I need to hear things like this and it so helpful to hear it from others who have gone thru the very same thing. AH in total denial and He wants me to be in denial with him I feel like his trying to keep me in denial is almost as important to him as his addictions are. When I read what you wrote, and I have read it many times it helps break thru this hold he has on me and makes me take a very truthful look at what he is doing and it stops me from being in denial about what he has become. I am struggling right now and reading back over some of my previous threads it is helping to keep me strong and not doubt myself or minimize how terribly he has treated me and out two daughters . I just wanted you to know I appreciated what you said and your words were very powerful for me and correct as I am discovering the more uncomfortable I become in my own home , Thank you