The sticking point
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Olney, MD
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The sticking point
I hate this. I am going to AlAnon regularly, CoDA when I can (meetings are much more limited) and still cant get past acceptance. I ACCEPT that I cannot control RAH's drinking. That if he starts drinking again that is on him, I cannot work his program for him, etc, etc, etc. What I am struggling with is that I cannot control what other people say and think about me. Right now MIL and SIL are prime examples. They have both blamed me and said cruel things to me and about me.
I have blocked both of their numbers and on social media but I am still SO STUCK on this anger with them. And I realized the anger is linked to acceptance. That I can somehow make them stop thinking that way and saying those things by them realizing I no longer want to speak to them or them realizing they have hurt me. And I have to ACCEPT that they think those things and I cannot change it.
However, for me, if someone is saying negative or hurtful things to me or about me..........THEY MUST BE TRUE. I know logically that this is totally irrational. But I believe it. So I cannot change what people think or say, that is their right. I guess whether it is true or not depends on if I believe it. And right now, I believe it. I wish I didn't, but I do. I am just a bad person, and I don't know what to do to not believe that.
I have blocked both of their numbers and on social media but I am still SO STUCK on this anger with them. And I realized the anger is linked to acceptance. That I can somehow make them stop thinking that way and saying those things by them realizing I no longer want to speak to them or them realizing they have hurt me. And I have to ACCEPT that they think those things and I cannot change it.
However, for me, if someone is saying negative or hurtful things to me or about me..........THEY MUST BE TRUE. I know logically that this is totally irrational. But I believe it. So I cannot change what people think or say, that is their right. I guess whether it is true or not depends on if I believe it. And right now, I believe it. I wish I didn't, but I do. I am just a bad person, and I don't know what to do to not believe that.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 399
You're not a bad person clearly you have empathy because you have feelings. Don't take what everyone says as gospel, if someone has hurt you with what they've said or done I think you have every right to put boundaries in place and do what you have to do to let them go. I think when people who really care tell you the truth they'll always do it in a kind way and constructive way not a judgemental way.. Sounds like these people are judging you.. There is only one judge and that is God.. and God loves you for who you are. These people telling you who you are aren't perfect themselves.. Hope that helps a little bit.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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Hello TerpGal,
I think so many of us are hurt when other people criticize us or even think critical thoughts about us....I know I have felt that way before and still do sometimes. For me, it was tied into my self-esteem. I needed people to think I was wonderful in order for me to even believe I was OK--that I was allowed to even occupy the small space I occupied.
It took a while, but I now think we all deserve simple dignity and respect, and that I am allowed that dignity and respect regardless of what others think of me. If I can still look at myself in the mirror each night knowing that I have done the very best that I can--then I'm OK. And as one of our Mods (CatsPajamas) would say, what other people think of me is none of my business.
Please be kind to yourself, this stuff takes some time
I think so many of us are hurt when other people criticize us or even think critical thoughts about us....I know I have felt that way before and still do sometimes. For me, it was tied into my self-esteem. I needed people to think I was wonderful in order for me to even believe I was OK--that I was allowed to even occupy the small space I occupied.
It took a while, but I now think we all deserve simple dignity and respect, and that I am allowed that dignity and respect regardless of what others think of me. If I can still look at myself in the mirror each night knowing that I have done the very best that I can--then I'm OK. And as one of our Mods (CatsPajamas) would say, what other people think of me is none of my business.
Please be kind to yourself, this stuff takes some time
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Terp, are you in counseling? Forgive me that I cannot remember. If not, maybe it's something to consider.
People who say negative and hurtful things to others are the ones with the issues themselves. Don't be manipulated and think seriously about cutting toxic people like that out of your life. You deserve better.
XXX
People who say negative and hurtful things to others are the ones with the issues themselves. Don't be manipulated and think seriously about cutting toxic people like that out of your life. You deserve better.
XXX
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Ah, Terp, I have so so so SO been where you are. Still find myself there on occasion.
It takes a long time to build up an armor of self-worth that can't be dented by things other people say out of their own insecurity. Therapy, self-care, and surrounding yourself with people who make you feel good about yourself (ESPECIALLY that last one) go a long way towards filling your self-love savings account.
I also find that I tend to talk about myself negatively when I stumble in recovery or don't 'get' something right away. This serves literally no purpose. Self-contempt does not lead to positive change. Say it with me: Self-contempt does NOT lead to positive change. I'm actively working to rid myself of all my "I can't"s and "I'll never"s. Those words are just keeping me stuck.
Sending strength, patience, and hugs.
It takes a long time to build up an armor of self-worth that can't be dented by things other people say out of their own insecurity. Therapy, self-care, and surrounding yourself with people who make you feel good about yourself (ESPECIALLY that last one) go a long way towards filling your self-love savings account.
I also find that I tend to talk about myself negatively when I stumble in recovery or don't 'get' something right away. This serves literally no purpose. Self-contempt does not lead to positive change. Say it with me: Self-contempt does NOT lead to positive change. I'm actively working to rid myself of all my "I can't"s and "I'll never"s. Those words are just keeping me stuck.
Sending strength, patience, and hugs.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
All I can say is keep on keeping on. I have a lifetime of people-pleasing behind me, and yes, it really is behind me at this point.
For me, the breakup of my marriage was the turning point. I knew without a doubt that I needed to get away from AXH, and all of a sudden it was so crystal clear to me that anyone wanting me to reconsider, go to counseling, get back with him -- they did not have my best interests in mind, and therefore, their opinion meant NOTHING.
Remember Dandylion's post from last week? Time and space. It takes time and space to recover. And it's annoying because we want to be able to push a button or accept a thought and be done. But it takes time. Be patient with yourself.
For me, the breakup of my marriage was the turning point. I knew without a doubt that I needed to get away from AXH, and all of a sudden it was so crystal clear to me that anyone wanting me to reconsider, go to counseling, get back with him -- they did not have my best interests in mind, and therefore, their opinion meant NOTHING.
Remember Dandylion's post from last week? Time and space. It takes time and space to recover. And it's annoying because we want to be able to push a button or accept a thought and be done. But it takes time. Be patient with yourself.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
TerpGal....most likely, like for all of the rest of us, these things that you believe about yourself are the result of messages that we received about ourselves in childhood and they became the internalized voices in our head. Those voices that have become such "background noise" that they are practically "unconscious" most of the time---but still inform our thoughts about ourselves!
I think this is where family of origin work is soo valuable (with a therapist).
Keep working on yourself, like you are.... You aren't going to change them....but, eventually you can change how you think about them and what they symbolize to you.
When we change how we think...it changes how we feel....
dandylion
I think this is where family of origin work is soo valuable (with a therapist).
Keep working on yourself, like you are.... You aren't going to change them....but, eventually you can change how you think about them and what they symbolize to you.
When we change how we think...it changes how we feel....
dandylion
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Terp - when I'm faced with something like this I stop & think, "Is it TRUE??"
Really, is it TRUE what they are saying/feeling about you or just their slanted opinions? What helped me to see this clearly was when it happened with someone who I had only just met & had not even had a chance to offend yet.
I stepped back & thought, how could this be MY fault when I've literally done nothing? How is it MY fault that she pre-judged me & is determined to believe that judgment? And why am I wasting MY time trying to sway her opinion? Doesn't that make me as crazy as her? I found myself eventually feeling sorry FOR HER because she's got to be coming from a place of great fear or pain or dysfunction herself to be spreading it around so eagerly.
When I pondered on it more deeply I could really see how we/people do this in all areas of our lives, in all relationships. And when it's someone we do have a personal relationship with, it can be even harder to see the line between the assumptions/judgments we are making & the actual truth because things like emotions & hidden agendas come into play.
It sounds ridiculous, but don't take their dysfunction personally. That's their baggage, not yours.
Really, is it TRUE what they are saying/feeling about you or just their slanted opinions? What helped me to see this clearly was when it happened with someone who I had only just met & had not even had a chance to offend yet.
I stepped back & thought, how could this be MY fault when I've literally done nothing? How is it MY fault that she pre-judged me & is determined to believe that judgment? And why am I wasting MY time trying to sway her opinion? Doesn't that make me as crazy as her? I found myself eventually feeling sorry FOR HER because she's got to be coming from a place of great fear or pain or dysfunction herself to be spreading it around so eagerly.When I pondered on it more deeply I could really see how we/people do this in all areas of our lives, in all relationships. And when it's someone we do have a personal relationship with, it can be even harder to see the line between the assumptions/judgments we are making & the actual truth because things like emotions & hidden agendas come into play.
It sounds ridiculous, but don't take their dysfunction personally. That's their baggage, not yours.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Originally Posted by TerpGal 
And I have to ACCEPT that they think those things and I cannot change it.
However, for me, if someone is saying negative or hurtful things to me or about me..........THEY MUST BE TRUE.
However, for me, if someone is saying negative or hurtful things to me or about me..........THEY MUST BE TRUE.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Olney, MD
Posts: 268
Originally Posted by dandylion
TerpGal....most likely, like for all of the rest of us, these things that you believe about yourself are the result of messages that we received about ourselves in childhood and they became the internalized voices in our head. Those voices that have become such "background noise" that they are practically "unconscious" most of the time---but still inform our thoughts about ourselves!
I think this is where family of origin work is soo valuable (with a therapist).
Keep working on yourself, like you are.... You aren't going to change them....but, eventually you can change how you think about them and what they symbolize to you.
When we change how we think...it changes how we feel....
dandylion
I think this is where family of origin work is soo valuable (with a therapist).
Keep working on yourself, like you are.... You aren't going to change them....but, eventually you can change how you think about them and what they symbolize to you.
When we change how we think...it changes how we feel....
dandylion
It also has to do with severe bullying and childhood sexual abuse. I have been in therapy on and off for 10 years working on all this crap and it is getting really old. I am with a new therapist who does emdr. I don't know if this will help. I know logically that the way I see myself is so warped because of all this and RAHs abusive behavior while drinking only fueled the fire. I wonder if it will ever change. It's so discouraging. Because of all the therapy, I know exactly what I am doing and exactly why I am doing it, I just can't get the innermost part of me, the damaged child, to believe it.
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