iamthird

Right now in dealing with myself in my my recovery as a co-dependent I realize a big part of my problem in saying no and setting boundaries is that I hate being hated.

Right now I am going through custody battle with separated AH who has his enabling girlfriend bankrolling him, helping him lawyer up against me when I can barely make ends meet. And still, I dont want him to hate me? I dont make any outward movement to show him that, but I still feel that way on the inside. So I kept asking myself the hard questions...why in the hell do I care if this man who has brought such chaos into my life and my childs life hates me? This man who knows and is using my most painful moments in life against me to assasinate my character as a mother....

I came up with only 1 answer: I should not care!! I am making the best choices I can for myself and DD6 and if he hates me and spews his venom...I do not care! I do not care if he hates me!!! I would rather him hate me than my kids hate me or me hate myself!!!

suki44883

^^^^ This!!! ^^^^ (((HUGS)))

Hope4Life

Good answer! I have learned in AA that it is not my business what other people think of me. I just try to live my life doing the next right thing and that is all that matters. If someone does not like me, OH WELL.... there are plenty of other folks that do!

Live your life as best you can to take care of yourself and your kids and move on.

Good Luck!

TerpGal

I am right there with ya. I logically understand that I shouldn't care........but in my heart I do. Because if they are saying those things...............they must be true. Illogical I know, but that is how my crazy mind works

iamthird

Terp Gal, you will never win over everybody 100% of the time. It is impossible. I understand the needing to please, be accepted and not hated...that is why I had no standards. In order to get healthy, you have to re-program yourself to worry about what YOU think of yourself.

I am sure separated AH tells everyone I am keeping our 6 year old away from him because I cant stand he moved on. But I am sure he doesnt tell them all the horrid things he has done and how far his addiction has plummeted. People give their 2cents and I am the bad guy, but I know the reality. I don't care!! There is no possible way I can plead my case to everyone in earshot of him. The people who truly love me wont believe it and the people that believe it can go suck an egg! Lol!

You have to find confidence in yourself Terp Gal. I bet there are so many things in you that are positive. Focus on that. Make decisions that lift your spirits and make you feel like a good person and I promise you over time it will improve. To this day I wish separated AH did not hate me and the truth is I think deep down he actually loves me...but he has to defend his alcoholism somehow and make me the bad guy....and once again, I will take the label if protecting our daughter from the dysfunction makes me the bad guy! Love yourself. All day, everyday. You have to....

CodeJob

This has been a tough concept for me.

I have been most successful in dealing with this in my family. I had to accept my sister does not care for me and let go of the relationship. I cruise along detached 8 hours from home. My cell never even butt dials her. She seems quite flummoxed at times that I hardly ever rise to the latest bait or drama.

Sometimes I hear people talking about how close they are to their sibs or how involved they are with their nieces/nephews and I just need to gently remind myself that is not going to happen in my family...

It actually was a gift she gave me. She did some pretty raw crap to me over the years that forced me to accept I was never ever ever going to be close with her. I let go.

Then I accepted my mom was in a partnership with my sister.
Then I accepted my dad might be quiet but he would always stand with my mom.

That little web is woven and rewoven and I just stay out of it. I try very hard to not get caught in the sticky silk.

atalose

I think when we seek validation from others its the same as saying "tell me who I am, tell we what I'm worth".

We need to tell ourselves!!!!!

Rosiepetal

When I drove to work this morning I passed the ex in his car on his way to work. This happens most days. I do not acknowledge him. But this morning I did notice that the mere presence of him didn't even enter my mind. As far as I'm concerned he need not take up any of my headspace & I felt nothing towards him.
We too are going through the custody battle & the only difference between you & me is that mine is happening 7 years after separation & has been going for 1 1/2 years so far. Final court date 10th Nov, fast approaching yippee.
I guess what I'm trying to say is it will get easier, it will just take time.
I had 20 years with this man, the separation was very hard on me but now I bless where I am today & who I am & I am glad I am not in that marriage anymore.
My 50 cents worth.