myfreedom

Our son is going trick or treating at AH's sister's development tonite and then having a sleepover. AH is going to paint his face before we go, so he actually asked if I would stop back afterwards to "make love" if our daughter isn't along. UMMMM NOOOOO!!!!!!! Now this is the daughter that doesn't want to be around him, so I would think he would want her to be along, so he could see her if only for a few minutes.

Refiner

EWWWWWWW. What is wrong with him! Trying to act so "normal". Blech.

myfreedom

That is exactly how it makes me feel!!!!!!!

hopeful4

Ugh.....just....ugh...

Stay the course my friend. My X is just like him, I totally get it.

Tight Hugs!

NYCDoglvr

"No" is a complete sentence. You owe him no explanations and it's too late for couples therapy (which doesn't work anyway when an active alcoholic is involved).

LexieCat

If you haven't already done so, I strongly suggest you connect with a domestic violence advocate. The law in Pennsylvania includes what would be considered "stalking" as a basis for an order, and given your past history of physical abuse and threats, the repeated communications might qualify--particularly if you tell him clearly to stop and he does not.

A good advocate can provide a lot of support and guidance. They won't necessarily provide the kind of support around the drinking that Al-Anon would, but this man is definitely dangerous to you, and safety comes first.

It never hurts to get as much support as you need, and I really think that an advocate could be very helpful to you.

myfreedom

So my daughter went from not wanting to be around her dad to now she is staying with him. Says she feels sorry for him being all alone and wants to try to make him feel better. Also says that it is more quiet there because me and her brother are not pesting her. What is this all about?????? I know he lets her alone and think she sits in her room alot. She said he drank yesterday but thinks it was only 3. I feel like I am failing her because she has always wanted to be with me. Says she still wants no parts of a family reconcilliation. Any thoughts??????? This is tearing me apart.

marie1960

Is this the daughter who is 12 years old?

ladyscribbler

So she is counting his drinks and taking on responsibility for his feelings. Poor girl. That's the kind of stuff our kids learn from us and it's not healthy, especially when (even unwittingly) involve them in adult decisions and situations.
Take her to some Alateen meetings. I wish someone had done that for me when I was a girl, it might have set my life on a healthier path. Instead I spent years seeking out clones of my alcoholic father trying to get them to give me the love I didn't get from him.

myfreedom

yes

LexieCat

Why is your 12-year-old making decisions about staying with her abusive alcoholic father? Why are YOU not taking steps to protect her?

myfreedom

I don't know. I feel horrible, but I am afraid to stand up to him.

marie1960

Perhaps viewing it as taking the necessary steps to protect and secure the welfare of your child instead of viewing it as standing up to him, will allow you to regain control of your household. Simply, do the next right thing, it's all any of us can do.

He is going to do, what he is going to do, but your child needs you to be strong right now, currently, a 12 year old is calling the shots and running the show, you can do this myfreedom, calm yourself, and remember you are the sane adult parent in this situation.

lillamy

My youngest said something similar. What it means is that she has taken on the caretaking codependent role towards her father -- she is becoming a parent to her parent. It might be helpful to chat with some of the ACOAs here; I know quite a few of them have gone through that. It's not a healthy place for a child to be in.

LexieCat

What does your custody/visitation order say? If you don't have one, I suggest you GET one, immediately. If you have one that allows him unsupervised parenting time, I suggest you ask the court to AMEND it.

Do you have a lawyer? It is well worth the money to have one. If you can't afford one, you can probably find free legal assistance. This is your child's LIFE we are talking about.

Incidentally, a protective order based on the history of abuse could accomplish that, as well.

myfreedom

I tried to extend my last pfa and they wouldn't because no threats or physical harm were done. I do not have a custody order only a support order. I have tried to get help with legal aide for custody but I never get anywhere with anyone. Always get directed to someone else then again.

LexieCat

I'm not sure where in PA you are, but here is a link that might help answer some questions: Southwestern Pennsylvania Legal Services, Inc The law would be the same anywhere in the Commonwealth. Call your local family court, and they should have a packet for you to file yourself. Many parents do that. The only drawback is if he has a lawyer and you do not. The family court might be able to give you a direct line to the Legal Services number that you need.

myfreedom

Thank you, I will check into it