Need advice, fallen for an alcoholic

Old 10-26-2014, 04:37 PM
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Need advice, fallen for an alcoholic

I have fallen hard for someone in recovery, i personally am not an alcoholic so it doesnt bother me i am willing to take on everything with it however i have been feeling a bit insecure. Obviously the meetings etc are another world, one which at the moment im not really invited in on. We are so close but he can switch off and just decide that hes not ready to be with me, and calls me a 'temptation' and that he must resist me sometimes he gets so wound up into these thoughts that its impossible to get him out of it and im left a bit broken, once he comes around though it feels like the strongest love in the world. He doesnt talk to me alot about aa but i think he is on step 10 of recover, do any steps discourage a relationship? any more information into this will give me the stability to just understand his behaviour a bit more when he freaks out
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Old 10-26-2014, 05:06 PM
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Timing can be brutal sometimes. At this point, his recovery should be the most important thing in his life. It should take president over romantic relationships and sometimes relationship within ones own family. It is highly recommended in AA that the recovering alcoholic not make major changes, including starting relationships, for the first year. He has a long row to hoe and he needs to concentrate on recovery.
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Old 10-26-2014, 05:11 PM
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I would recommend reading a lot of posts on this board and getting an idea of what a relationship with an alcoholic entails.
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Old 10-26-2014, 05:12 PM
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A good relationship won't make you feel insecure. Sounds like the push and pull is eroding your self esteem. I'm not sure more information about the AA steps is going to be much help for you. This guy doesn't sound ready for a relationship.
If you want to go to Alanon and work on you while he's doing his AA stuff that might help you more than worrying about his recovery and where he is in the steps. You could also let him go until he's got some more recovery time under his belt, like a year, and has worked through all 12 steps.
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Old 10-26-2014, 06:08 PM
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There isn't an formula for loving an alcoholic in recovery. Relationships, in their best form, I think, allow us to live our happy destinies separately, but at the same time. If he's putting up walls, and giving mixed signals, it may be a sign that he's not ready to do this. ((loll)).
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Old 10-26-2014, 08:04 PM
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loll the fact he's calling you a 'temptation' is a red flag. It suggests something he shouldn't be doing, is trying to resist, but gives in now and then. Sound like anything?

Your most sensible course might be to cool it and let more time go by. If you're not willing to do that, at least lower your expectations. And rather than him calling the shots, you might want to be unavailable now and then.
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Old 10-26-2014, 08:06 PM
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Originally Posted by lillamy View Post
I would recommend reading a lot of posts on this board and getting an idea of what a relationship with an alcoholic entails.
I would do this ^ ,

& then I would turn around & walk away (with your heart, mind, soul, self esteem, bank account, family, job & social life still intact).

If you decide to stay, make sure you bookmark this forum :/
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Old 10-26-2014, 08:33 PM
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Him taking the steps IMHO is a huge positive.

I'm about the same place as your bloke and it's a miraculous process.

I guess the question of myself is "how would I react?"

I think very similar to your bloke... Something a long the lines of

"I'm desperate not to lose my sobriety, but no man is an island... Aggggghhhhh"

May I suggest just slowing it all right right down.... Don't go off the deep end with it.

Get to know each other really really well.

The underlying problem in most new relationships that involves a newly recovered Alcoholic is that it goes off like a sky rocket and then skyrockets go boom.

That is possibly what he and his AA buddies are worried about.

Most of the people I have met in AA have been in or seen a skyrocket relationship.

Then again I've seen some very well managed and maintained relationships blossom into something special and quite spectacular.

All the best to you and your man whichever way you decide to go with it
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Old 10-26-2014, 10:27 PM
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Listen to Lill- you say you are prepared to take on all that comes with the relationship, but when I entered the relationship with my ex A, I was unaware of the challenges that I would face. Knowing what I know now, I won't make the same choice twice. Of course your fella is in recovery...but you should definitely read through this section and get a strong understanding of what could be the possibility. I wish you all the best!
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Old 10-27-2014, 05:11 AM
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Being referred to as a "temptation" is not a great thing. If someone I was interested in described me as a "temptation" I think I would put some serious thought into that.
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Old 10-27-2014, 06:49 AM
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A man in AA once said it beautifully,
"I would have fallen in love with a chair".
That about sums it up.
Unfortunately, I had already fallen for someone with disastrous consequences.
I suggest you leave this alone.
It is not healthy.
He is trying to do the right thing, but you are both attracted to each other.
You have no idea what you are getting into.
Please listen to the people here.
Why are you so determined to get involved with him?
What is your relationship history before him?
This is not meant to be critical.
Another question, would you feel comfortable telling your friends or family about this?
If not, stop.
Any relationship that is not comfortable to talk about is probably not good.
Welcome to SR. Read the stickys.
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Old 10-27-2014, 07:04 AM
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I would second to read, and read some more about what that relationship will be like. It is a life of misery. That new exciting feeling will wear off and real life kicks in. Please step back and educate yourself. And no matter what, do not procreate with an alcoholic. It gets a million times more complicated and more painful when children are involved.
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Old 10-27-2014, 08:23 AM
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I have fallen hard for someone in recovery, i personally am not an alcoholic so it doesnt bother me i am willing to take on everything with it


You really need to educate yourself before you make such a decision.

He needs to dedicate himself to his recovery. End of story.

You can offer support from a distance , but I would go about life as usual and
see where things end up. Do not be a distraction to his recovery and more importantly don't short change yourself from a nice normal ,peaceful, sane existence sans alcoholic. (in recovery or not)
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Old 10-27-2014, 08:47 AM
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i would of hated to be a female, meeting me in my first few years of learning how to live sober

its such a rocky road at the best of times meeting someone new and trying to get to know them, but for an alcoholic like me, i didn't know who i was or what i was for a long time, i thought i did, but i really honestly didnt get to see me the real me for about 5 years of being sober

before that i thought i had found everything, i thought i knew it all and i was right because i was now sober and didnt drink,
i bored one girl i met to death with my non stop aa talk lol how dare they not be interested in ME and MY SOBRIETY

I DEMAND EVERYONE LISTEN TO ME AS I TELL YOU ALL ABOUT MY SOBRIETY

can you picture how good that looks to someone who doesnt have a drink problem or any sort of problem in staying sober lol

well thats what you can expect for the first few years with an alcoholic unless he has a good sponsor who will try to get him to look past it and think of other people etc

they have to get brought down off there white cloud normally pain does this work in aa just when things go well and you end up thinking everything is perfect bang somthing bad happens either a partner leaves them as they can not put up with there ramblings on and on about the program or living this new life or a job goes you name it something happends that brings them down to earth with a bump

having said all that later on in years alcoholics make dam good partners so long as they have worked and lived there new life
when they finally come to see its not what they say or sound like in an aa meeting or how well they can try to preach about things that matter.
its just what you do in a day to make someone else happy is what counts
if you end up with an alcoholic who is living that way then you will have a real good catch on your hands : )

just be prepared to wait for those things to come and good luck to you
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Old 10-27-2014, 11:37 AM
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Oh Loll..... My only advice to you is to read every thread under the sticky here titled 'Classic Reading' and then decide if you truly are 'up for everything'. There are few happy endings in this forum - you can write your own script. Hugs. X
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Old 10-27-2014, 11:42 AM
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Loll, If you care one iota about him. Leave him to his recovery, it is a solo venture. Being in a relationship now would derail all of his efforts to get his life back on track. Give him at least 12 months.

My XABF is in a horrid spiral downward due to the difficulties his betraying himself. He started using me and our relationship to justify his drinking. I am afraid for his life. Although I love him he must be alone with his recovery and his program to get and remain sober. Will he and I ever have a relationship? It depends on his success in his program.

Please let him go.
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Old 10-27-2014, 11:55 AM
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Quote: "I have fallen hard for someone in recovery, i personally am not an alcoholic so it doesn't bother me i am willing to take on everything with it..."

I really think you have no idea of what that "everything" entails. If it were me and I had the choice again (and I speak from experience) I would RUN as fast as I could and never look back. Life is too short to invite pain in as a permanent guest.
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Old 10-27-2014, 01:03 PM
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Need advice, fallen for an alcoholic

My personal life experience says, unfall for him

Best to educate yourself about addiction.

I was clueless as to what life with an addict would be like.

If i was granted one "do over" in life, it would be to have never gotten involved with his selfish azz.

I do not believe you are looking for advice, as I believe you already know something isn't right in this picture. His "come here, go away" routine is your answer. He currently is unavailable to be in an emotional relationship.

If you are searching for a committed relationship, sad to say, but he isn't the one. He has to work on himself at this point, and really cannot offer you what you deserve.

If it was me , I'd run like hell, in the opposite direction.

Keep searching for your answers, we are here to be your sounding board.
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Old 10-27-2014, 04:50 PM
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thank you all for your advice and constructive nice words, he has been in recovery for years im not sure if this changes anything but its been nearly 8-9 years now since he has had a drink, so i do believe hes extremely determined to live a normal life but after reading everyones comments i am worried it'll be me broken at the end of it
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Old 10-27-2014, 05:08 PM
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If he has almost a decade of recovery under his belt then this is just who he is, mind games and all. It might be best to move on to someone who is more mentally healthy than this man.
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