Need advice, fallen for an alcoholic
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
You are right, it will.
Go to the alcoholics forum. There are people there with 20 years under their belt who relapse. By then these people are older and truly feel like they are stuck together. It's a life of misery and not worth the risk in my opinion. Of course I cannot tell you what to do or how to feel, just sharing what I have lived and what I have observed over the course of years with others.
Go to the alcoholics forum. There are people there with 20 years under their belt who relapse. By then these people are older and truly feel like they are stuck together. It's a life of misery and not worth the risk in my opinion. Of course I cannot tell you what to do or how to feel, just sharing what I have lived and what I have observed over the course of years with others.
Originally Posted by loll 
thank you all for your advice and constructive nice words, he has been in recovery for years im not sure if this changes anything but its been nearly 8-9 years now since he has had a drink, so i do believe hes extremely determined to live a normal life but after reading everyones comments i am worried it'll be me broken at the end of it
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
ditto, to what Ladyscribbler said.
Reading your first post, I got the impression he was just beginning his journey into recovery, but with 8-9 years of professed sobriety under his belt, that's a whole different ballgame. And of course, after being with an Alkie, it's hard for me to believe anything, so how do you know he is not secretly drinking at home?
I would much rather spend my time looking for someone who could bring joy to my life and value me, not view me as "temptation"........ exactly WTH does that really mean?
From a woman's point of view I do not find that very complimentary at all, maybe a man's point of view would have a different spin on it. Either way, there are red bombs going off all over this story, be prepared to take cover.
Reading your first post, I got the impression he was just beginning his journey into recovery, but with 8-9 years of professed sobriety under his belt, that's a whole different ballgame. And of course, after being with an Alkie, it's hard for me to believe anything, so how do you know he is not secretly drinking at home?
I would much rather spend my time looking for someone who could bring joy to my life and value me, not view me as "temptation"........ exactly WTH does that really mean?
From a woman's point of view I do not find that very complimentary at all, maybe a man's point of view would have a different spin on it. Either way, there are red bombs going off all over this story, be prepared to take cover.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 7
There's something called dry drunk too. It's just as miserable to co-exist with as active drinking.
Being attracted to an alcoholic is a very complex thing. It says nothing about him, and everything about you. What do you know about co-dependency? Sometimes i think it's harder to shake than alcoholism. You just can't see it in yourself and can't fix yourself without knowledgeable help. That family of origin baggage is heavy and SNEAKY.
You asked for advice, so my advice is--walk away. A part of you know this is the wrong relationship--otherwise you would not be here asking. Otherwise you would not be uneasy about the relationship and looking for something to put your finger on as 'wrong'.
You don't have to ID what is wrong. Whether it's AA, or sobriety, or meetings. In some way you are being shut out. It doesn't matter why. It only matters that it is happening.
Why is his problem; that it is happening is your problem. You don't have to know why. You just have to respect that it IS. That something is not right.
I know you don't want to hear this and will likely disregard. I did it too and learned the hard way. I know I won't think any less of you if you proceed and get miserably ensnared.
I know also that you hope to 'understand' and that by understanding you can 'fix it' or 'wait it out' or 'make an adjustment' so you can have the good parts of him without being effected by the bad.
But that's just not possible. There's something bad already, and he doesn't need 'fixing'; he is who he is RIGHT NOW. And he's a valuable, loveable human being. And whether 'things' get better or worse (and in relationships they usually get worse until they plateau out to everyday; so you better start out marvelously wonderful, so the worsening and plateau is still good); but whether things gets better or worse, what you have right now is the BEST you will have.
And it's not good enough, because you feel uneasy, because you are asking questions, because you are not sure, because you are researching and working hard to understand. And all of those mean it's the wrong relationship for you.
And the reason things are 'off' with him might have NOTHING to do with drinking or AA. They just might not be right. He might be the soberest guy ever, right on top of an old problem--and it still isn't the right relationship for you.
Just something to think about. And I wish you a lot of luck and happiness.
In your shoes I would let it go.
Being attracted to an alcoholic is a very complex thing. It says nothing about him, and everything about you. What do you know about co-dependency? Sometimes i think it's harder to shake than alcoholism. You just can't see it in yourself and can't fix yourself without knowledgeable help. That family of origin baggage is heavy and SNEAKY.
You asked for advice, so my advice is--walk away. A part of you know this is the wrong relationship--otherwise you would not be here asking. Otherwise you would not be uneasy about the relationship and looking for something to put your finger on as 'wrong'.
You don't have to ID what is wrong. Whether it's AA, or sobriety, or meetings. In some way you are being shut out. It doesn't matter why. It only matters that it is happening.
Why is his problem; that it is happening is your problem. You don't have to know why. You just have to respect that it IS. That something is not right.
I know you don't want to hear this and will likely disregard. I did it too and learned the hard way. I know I won't think any less of you if you proceed and get miserably ensnared.
I know also that you hope to 'understand' and that by understanding you can 'fix it' or 'wait it out' or 'make an adjustment' so you can have the good parts of him without being effected by the bad.
But that's just not possible. There's something bad already, and he doesn't need 'fixing'; he is who he is RIGHT NOW. And he's a valuable, loveable human being. And whether 'things' get better or worse (and in relationships they usually get worse until they plateau out to everyday; so you better start out marvelously wonderful, so the worsening and plateau is still good); but whether things gets better or worse, what you have right now is the BEST you will have.
And it's not good enough, because you feel uneasy, because you are asking questions, because you are not sure, because you are researching and working hard to understand. And all of those mean it's the wrong relationship for you.
And the reason things are 'off' with him might have NOTHING to do with drinking or AA. They just might not be right. He might be the soberest guy ever, right on top of an old problem--and it still isn't the right relationship for you.
Just something to think about. And I wish you a lot of luck and happiness.
In your shoes I would let it go.
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