In a City Where Alcohol is King, There are too many reminders
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Join Date: Jul 2014
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In a City Where Alcohol is King, There are too many reminders
I have these dreams almost every night. Either my ex A or his Codi mom is rejecting me. In my dreams, I am either angry or very sad. I ran into a neighbor yesterday who met my ex earlier in the week and put two and two together. She has sympathy for my situation, which seemed kind at the time, but it all just meshes together and ties me, still, to him.
I saw him yesterday when I came back from a bike ride, and actually snuck a side peek at his face...stoic and resolute as he looked in the opposite direction with drink in hand. We are on the same page...neither of us exists.
I have found a potential rental, but it won't be ready until the end of December and I am not overly excited about the possibility. There isn't a washer/dryer and although I think I could be happy living across the river, I don't want to leave my neighborhood. I don't want to have to make so many changes in the face of so much present change...or maybe I am just sad from having to let go of both him and my neighborhood.
I am looking forward to my first therapy session tomorrow- someone to talk these things through with... everyone is tired of listening and I don't blame them. My entire summer and now my fall has been lost to this sadness. Every time I made progress, I have sabotaged it and now, almost four months out, I am still reliving it all in my dreams and I carry this sadness all the time. I went to a backyard party in the neighborhood last night. People were in costume, there was a Cajun band swinging- it was the quintessential moment here, everyone was drinking and dancing and happy...me, I sat with a forced smile on my face, sipping one drink and wondering if everyone around me is an alcoholic and that is why they are laughing in intoxication or if it is just me... their banter seemed empty, their happiness something lost on me.
He is out playing his music, with his friends at a regular Sunday brunch gig. Between sets, they will march quickly to their "green room", a bar around the corner where they will down a quick drink and then another as they head back for the next set. After four hours of this, they will find another bar and add several doubles to the day's party. Then football will be another excuse for even more drinks and that will end the day. For me, I will be working online and cleaning my house.
It is healthier, I know. It is best for me, I know. I wouldn't be content being with him in this party day- finding myself drinking even when I don't want to, more than I would in other circumstances, dealing with the hangover the next day while he slept and then began to drink again, but I still feel like something is lost. Why is it that all the bad memories, my own escalating slide down that rabbit hole and the fact that nothing changed hurts so bad? I am better off, this I know, but that is little comfort. And even when I should be happy- like last night, I am still just an observer, watching while the past just replays itself over and over in my mind. Please don't get me wrong, it is not that I wish I was drinking with or without him. I think maybe because alcohol is such a foundational part of almost every meeting or gathering here- so acceptable in almost every situation that I am reminded all the time of what was between me and the man I love. Heck, even at the university where I teach, I see bottles of alcohol and Champaign on bookshelves of my colleagues.
When I was biking yesterday, I stopped to talk with three different sets of neighbors, all of them...ALL of them were drinking...this was at ten in the morning. You might say, well Time, perhaps you are just in the know with the drinkers, but I swear to you, most everyone is a drinker here and it is such a huge reminder, at least for now.
I saw him yesterday when I came back from a bike ride, and actually snuck a side peek at his face...stoic and resolute as he looked in the opposite direction with drink in hand. We are on the same page...neither of us exists.
I have found a potential rental, but it won't be ready until the end of December and I am not overly excited about the possibility. There isn't a washer/dryer and although I think I could be happy living across the river, I don't want to leave my neighborhood. I don't want to have to make so many changes in the face of so much present change...or maybe I am just sad from having to let go of both him and my neighborhood.
I am looking forward to my first therapy session tomorrow- someone to talk these things through with... everyone is tired of listening and I don't blame them. My entire summer and now my fall has been lost to this sadness. Every time I made progress, I have sabotaged it and now, almost four months out, I am still reliving it all in my dreams and I carry this sadness all the time. I went to a backyard party in the neighborhood last night. People were in costume, there was a Cajun band swinging- it was the quintessential moment here, everyone was drinking and dancing and happy...me, I sat with a forced smile on my face, sipping one drink and wondering if everyone around me is an alcoholic and that is why they are laughing in intoxication or if it is just me... their banter seemed empty, their happiness something lost on me.
He is out playing his music, with his friends at a regular Sunday brunch gig. Between sets, they will march quickly to their "green room", a bar around the corner where they will down a quick drink and then another as they head back for the next set. After four hours of this, they will find another bar and add several doubles to the day's party. Then football will be another excuse for even more drinks and that will end the day. For me, I will be working online and cleaning my house.
It is healthier, I know. It is best for me, I know. I wouldn't be content being with him in this party day- finding myself drinking even when I don't want to, more than I would in other circumstances, dealing with the hangover the next day while he slept and then began to drink again, but I still feel like something is lost. Why is it that all the bad memories, my own escalating slide down that rabbit hole and the fact that nothing changed hurts so bad? I am better off, this I know, but that is little comfort. And even when I should be happy- like last night, I am still just an observer, watching while the past just replays itself over and over in my mind. Please don't get me wrong, it is not that I wish I was drinking with or without him. I think maybe because alcohol is such a foundational part of almost every meeting or gathering here- so acceptable in almost every situation that I am reminded all the time of what was between me and the man I love. Heck, even at the university where I teach, I see bottles of alcohol and Champaign on bookshelves of my colleagues.
When I was biking yesterday, I stopped to talk with three different sets of neighbors, all of them...ALL of them were drinking...this was at ten in the morning. You might say, well Time, perhaps you are just in the know with the drinkers, but I swear to you, most everyone is a drinker here and it is such a huge reminder, at least for now.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
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I will say this, I am grateful that one incident a few weeks ago brought me back around to my own truth- that a drink here and there is okay but that I don't have to engage with it all the way it is here. My landlord and I were talking about this. I hinted about "following others down the rabbit hole" and how I had to come back to myself. He smiled and said, "Well darling, it happens to all of us who call this city home, but it sounds like you are a true local now...I have followed others down that hole too and have come out the other side. That's just life here."
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Join Date: May 2010
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I'm so glad to hear you're meeting a therapist tomorrow. I think you've done beautifully, considering the circumstances...living so close to him and having to see him constantly. Therapy will just help you continue to grow and heal. I'll pray that your therapist is able to help you in exactly the way you need.
I've also come to look at alcohol very, very differently than I used to. Most of us here do, once we are able to step away from the alcoholic and start to learn about the illness.
I see bright things in your future, Time.
You're moving in the right direction. Keeping you in my prayers!
I've also come to look at alcohol very, very differently than I used to. Most of us here do, once we are able to step away from the alcoholic and start to learn about the illness.
I see bright things in your future, Time.
You're moving in the right direction. Keeping you in my prayers!
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