In recovery and in a relationship with someone who isn't
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Worthing
Posts: 1
In recovery and in a relationship with someone who isn't
Hi all...new here. If you have the patience to read this and feel like helping me to feel less alone you will be helping more than you know.
The story is long and familiar, I now know. I am a recovering alcoholic who has been happily and solidly sober for 3 years. I met S at a meeting about 2 and a half years ago and we became friends. My marriage was ending, we became very close very quickly and have been'ttogether' since then. We don't live together, I have 2 children. At the very beginning I believed I had met my soul mate. I also believed that he was in recovery. I probably should have listened when he said that first time we met 'I'm not really a proper alcoholic. I am bipolar. ' He came to meetings with me on and off. We talked a lot about alcoholism and I believed he wanted to be well, sometimes more openly than others. He was homeless and living in a hostel at the beginning and I am now in debt having 'helped' him get a place to live. There have been so many 'drinking' blips over the past 2 years that I can't count them. He has always been sorry, very low and 'willing' to get help. And this is just the active addiction that I know about. Because he lies. Of course. A year ago he pretended to have a job.He also shacked up with a girl and led a double life. The apologies and excuses have all been believable and it has been like an insidious poison gas growing in me. I have turned into THAT woman. The one who everyone's tutting and shaking their head at and wondering why on earth she puts up with it. That's not who I thought I was. I didn't think I would tolerate being called names and ground down. Somewhere I have lost myself. I feel utterly broken. I don't know how to recover from this. And I feel that I have only myself to blame for the ridiculous levels of self deception I have been to and for seeing what I wanted to see. I'm lost. And I really need some help.
Jenny
The story is long and familiar, I now know. I am a recovering alcoholic who has been happily and solidly sober for 3 years. I met S at a meeting about 2 and a half years ago and we became friends. My marriage was ending, we became very close very quickly and have been'ttogether' since then. We don't live together, I have 2 children. At the very beginning I believed I had met my soul mate. I also believed that he was in recovery. I probably should have listened when he said that first time we met 'I'm not really a proper alcoholic. I am bipolar. ' He came to meetings with me on and off. We talked a lot about alcoholism and I believed he wanted to be well, sometimes more openly than others. He was homeless and living in a hostel at the beginning and I am now in debt having 'helped' him get a place to live. There have been so many 'drinking' blips over the past 2 years that I can't count them. He has always been sorry, very low and 'willing' to get help. And this is just the active addiction that I know about. Because he lies. Of course. A year ago he pretended to have a job.He also shacked up with a girl and led a double life. The apologies and excuses have all been believable and it has been like an insidious poison gas growing in me. I have turned into THAT woman. The one who everyone's tutting and shaking their head at and wondering why on earth she puts up with it. That's not who I thought I was. I didn't think I would tolerate being called names and ground down. Somewhere I have lost myself. I feel utterly broken. I don't know how to recover from this. And I feel that I have only myself to blame for the ridiculous levels of self deception I have been to and for seeing what I wanted to see. I'm lost. And I really need some help.
Jenny
Recovering ostrich
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Tampa Bay, Florida
Posts: 2,551
Hi Jenny! Welcome!
If this was your friend, what would you say to her? What is he offering you or what is something positive you get out of this relationship?
I know the folks here will have plenty of wisdom to share. My advice would be to get with your sponsor, hit meetings, journal and do service work to get through the pain. But you do have to evaluate whether or not this situation needs to change.
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If this was your friend, what would you say to her? What is he offering you or what is something positive you get out of this relationship?
I know the folks here will have plenty of wisdom to share. My advice would be to get with your sponsor, hit meetings, journal and do service work to get through the pain. But you do have to evaluate whether or not this situation needs to change.
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Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Yeah, welcome to our world.
The whole Mental Illness / Dual Diagnosis thing is a whole layer deeper than the Alcohol.
You do your Step Work, yet? Some of the Promises sound like they may be yet to be claimed by you? Just observation.
Suppose if you do have your Step Work done, and your own house in order, maybe Step over to "our" side of the house -- Alanon -- if your Sponsor clears that for you.
You have some learning to do. Detachment, Boundaries, Enabling. But the Promises work on "our" side same as the AA side. Do the work, do the Steps, Name and Claim the Promises. The FOG (Fear, Obligation, and Guilt) starts clearing real soon afterward.
==============
For anyone tracking along and wondering what they are missing regarding the Promises . . . .
PROMISES AA Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous 12 Step Promises of AA 12 Steps
THE A.A. PROMISES
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and selfpity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.
The whole Mental Illness / Dual Diagnosis thing is a whole layer deeper than the Alcohol.
You do your Step Work, yet? Some of the Promises sound like they may be yet to be claimed by you? Just observation.
Suppose if you do have your Step Work done, and your own house in order, maybe Step over to "our" side of the house -- Alanon -- if your Sponsor clears that for you.
You have some learning to do. Detachment, Boundaries, Enabling. But the Promises work on "our" side same as the AA side. Do the work, do the Steps, Name and Claim the Promises. The FOG (Fear, Obligation, and Guilt) starts clearing real soon afterward.
==============
For anyone tracking along and wondering what they are missing regarding the Promises . . . .
PROMISES AA Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous 12 Step Promises of AA 12 Steps
THE A.A. PROMISES
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and selfpity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Dear Jenny
You need to quit beating yourself up. You recognize that there is a problem, and that is half the battle.
You have already been in recovery from something much worse than this! What we view as a problem, our higher power views as an opportunity.
We are happy to have you hang out with us here, and are glad to help!
You need to quit beating yourself up. You recognize that there is a problem, and that is half the battle.
You have already been in recovery from something much worse than this! What we view as a problem, our higher power views as an opportunity.
We are happy to have you hang out with us here, and are glad to help!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Welcome to SR Jenny Rose!
Well it sounds like you did a few KEY things right! You are NOT married to this soulmate and you are NOT living in the same house!
Doesn't mean you aren't somehow addicted to this relationship though, huh? Have you read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie? If not, I think this book will be very eye opening. Her life story too which is pretty laid out in the book you might be really able to identify with too. When I read this book, I was Ticked OFF about having to accept the term codependent and accept that I somehow played a role in My H's problem. This book singlehandedly helped me get my head together and lay down my boundary with my H.
I highly recommend you read it ASAP. It is a definitive classic and widely available.
Are you still active in AA? Three years is a great run! Do you have access to a counselor? Personally working with a counselor helped me get my head together faster than AL Anon regarding my marriage.
Do you still have a sponsor? Were you comfortable in the AA approach to living? If you were, Al Anon can probably help you get some serenity to then assess what you want to do with this relationship.
I realized my H is also codependent while doing my own work on the situation of our marriage. It is not uncommon for As to also have codependency.
Welcome!
Well it sounds like you did a few KEY things right! You are NOT married to this soulmate and you are NOT living in the same house!
Doesn't mean you aren't somehow addicted to this relationship though, huh? Have you read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie? If not, I think this book will be very eye opening. Her life story too which is pretty laid out in the book you might be really able to identify with too. When I read this book, I was Ticked OFF about having to accept the term codependent and accept that I somehow played a role in My H's problem. This book singlehandedly helped me get my head together and lay down my boundary with my H.
I highly recommend you read it ASAP. It is a definitive classic and widely available.
Are you still active in AA? Three years is a great run! Do you have access to a counselor? Personally working with a counselor helped me get my head together faster than AL Anon regarding my marriage.
Do you still have a sponsor? Were you comfortable in the AA approach to living? If you were, Al Anon can probably help you get some serenity to then assess what you want to do with this relationship.
I realized my H is also codependent while doing my own work on the situation of our marriage. It is not uncommon for As to also have codependency.
Welcome!
lmao
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
In my tenth year of sobriety I began the worst relationship of my life with another recovering alcoholic which lasted three miserable years. He said he was different, didn't need meetings and I bought it. My AA sponsor moved out of state and I didn't get another one, a big mistake because it enabled me to keep secrets. You know that saying, "we're as sick as our secrets?" I was hurt not only emotionally but also professionally. It did terrible things to my self esteem and sent me into a depression so bad my doctor wanted me hospitalized. This is where my codependency led, an addiction as potentially lethal as alcohol. My way out was getting a sponsor, getting honest with her and myself and Alanon.
I suggest reading Codependent No More, working on your AA program with a sponsor and adding Alanon. The problem isn't the other person, it's us. But you can climb out of this hole, I promise. I did, and when I got serious about recovery (vs. simply not drinking), I became the person I always wanted to be.
I suggest reading Codependent No More, working on your AA program with a sponsor and adding Alanon. The problem isn't the other person, it's us. But you can climb out of this hole, I promise. I did, and when I got serious about recovery (vs. simply not drinking), I became the person I always wanted to be.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr 
This is where my codependency led, an addiction as potentially lethal as alcohol. My way out was getting a sponsor, getting honest with her and myself and Alanon.
I suggest reading Codependent No More, working on your AA program with a sponsor and adding Alanon. The problem isn't the other person, it's us. But you can climb out of this hole, I promise. I did, and when I got serious about recovery (vs. simply not drinking), I became the person I always wanted to be.
I suggest reading Codependent No More, working on your AA program with a sponsor and adding Alanon. The problem isn't the other person, it's us. But you can climb out of this hole, I promise. I did, and when I got serious about recovery (vs. simply not drinking), I became the person I always wanted to be.
to SR JennyRose.
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