Why am I the bad guy?
 

Was just looking under our bed for a furry present left by my cat, and found an empty, small bottle of wine left by my A b/f. I know I should have kept quiet, but I confronted him. I didn't do it because I wanted to beat him up about his drinking. I have come to terms with the 3 Cs and am working on detatching.

The problem I've got is that when my b/f started counselling and I started to come here a few months ago, I set a boundary which was very important to me. It was "no empty bottles in the house". I got fed up of finding them when I was doing the laundry, changing the beds etc etc. I was finding my recovery difficult when the evidence was in my face all the time. I took him at face value that he was serious about not drinking. We had a deal.

Since then, I have found some bottles, but not nearly as many as before. I don't go looking for them (well, very rarely LOL!). If I ever say anything, the reply is always "that was from ages ago".

The issue I've got is that he doesn't seem to realise how much stepping over this boundary means to me. And how can they be from ages ago when I asked him to "santise" the house, so that I was comfortable that the house was clean?

He has been working very hard on his PTSD and drinking, although has not stopped altogether. He is rightly proud of the progress that he has made. However, my life is difficult when I get it in the neck for not trusting him and wanting actions rather than words. Who created this situation?

I feel like I'm going bananas here - some kind of distorted reality. Thank goodness that tomorrow I'm going on a trip home to my parents for 4 days. Without him.

I know I'm rambling. Can't seem to get my thoughts in order.

Hi Minnie,

The boundary is for you, not him. A lot of people get confused about this. Setting boundaries isn't about controlling another person's behavior, it's about establishing guidelines for yourself and figuring out what you will or won't do if someone does something you find unacceptable. No one can step over our boundaries. They can disrespect our wishes and continue acting in ways we find unacceptable, but as long as we follow through with the guidelines we set for ourselves, our boundaries remain intact.

Confronting your b/f is not the answer. Leaving him may be the answer or sleeping in another room or refusing to cook dinner - whatever it is that you decide to start or stop doing. We can't change or control anyone's behavior. If he's going to drink, then he's going to drink. But if that's unacceptable to you, then you're the one that has to make the change.

For instance, one of my boundaries is to not give Jack money for drugs. He can call me in the middle of the night to ask for money all he wants to, but I'm not going to give him any. Another one is refusing to pick up his stuff from the pawn shop. He can pawn his stuff and he can ask me to pick it up, but I won't do it. That's my boundary. I can only control me and my actions.

Hope this clears things up some.

Take care,
JG

None of us is ever going to follow any guideline perfectly. We strive for progress. Allowing myself to not be perfect has helped me to allow others to not be perfect. It sounds like you and your mate are making progress. Keep focussing on moving forward, and the rest will take care of itself. Hugs, Magic

Just written a long reply to this and got a bit over eager with my mouse buttons and lost it. Propbably a good thing - might be a bit more lucid now!!

Thanks guys for replying.

JG - you're right about the boundaries being for me. I KNOW this intellectually, however I'm still having difficulty putting it into practice.

Leaving because of empty bottles seems a bit trivial, but if it is getting in the way of MY recovery, then there is no future for us anyway. Funnily enough, it's not the drinking that bothers me so much, it's the blatent disregard for my feelings. And the self-rightiousness that goes with someone who thinks they've got a handle on their drinking. Guess this is addiction for you.

I think it might be a straw that broke the camel's back situation. I am getting fed up of the "why don't you trust me? It's been ages" and the rest of the blame for the state of our relationship. Yeah right, 3 weeks is ages to go without sneaking a drink.

Sorry to rant on. Thank you for your advice - am going to read it again and do some thinking.

Love you all.

Minnie

Minnie -
Maybe if you feel that leaving because of empty bottles seems a bit trivial, that might not be a boundary you want to have.

Maybe your boundary might be "I won't get upset about empty bottles." That is something that you can truly work on yourself without being dependent on him to do anything.

I really believe that the only way I can enforce a boundary that depends on my H doing anything is to say "If you do it, I will leave." and be absolutely prepared to do it.
L

Well said JG!

Minnie - yep take it from an addict, that is what addicts do. We get self-rightious, we get full of ourselves, but in my experience, that usually means we are not in recovery.

Stay true to yourself first.

Good point L. I'm not prepared to leave yet.

The thing is, I have this internal fight going on between looking after myself and having boundaries as you say (i.e. I will not get upset about x) and letting him "get away with it". I think the empty bottle thing is a red herring. One of the reasons I get upset is that I don't want any visitors to find them. But that's not my problem, is it? Ooh, think I might have just hit on something there.

So much to think about.

Paulie - think our messages crossed.

I think that's what I'm really concerned about, if truth be told. That he isn't anywhere near being in recovery.

My A b/f has combat induced PTSD as well as problems from his childhood. He has been drinking for all of his adult life (20 years) to numb his feelings. He has been going to counselling for his PTSD for 3 months. In his first session with the counsellor, she supposedly told him that she didn't think he was an alcoholic. Whether this is true or not, I don't know. But what it means is that he drinks wine in an evening, less than before, but it certainly isn't abstinence.

I'm feeling sorry for myself tonight. All of this stuff happened way before I ever met my A b/f and I feel like I'm taking the brunt of it. The sad things is, I'm not. He is.

Ooh, think I might have just hit on something here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL!

Isn't it a trip when we have an aaaHa monent.

Way to go Minnie.

Minnie -

Keep talking about it, it helps bring out thost Aha moments as Daff said.

I get pretty self-rightious when my program lacks, that is just me, but for me it is a sure sign.

Thanks again.

I will keep talking - in fact, I'm going to stay with an old schoolfriend tomorrow and I'm going to tell her what's going on. I have kept all of this a secret for far too long.

Speaking of secrets - have a good one happening this weekend. It's my Dad's 60th and we are taking him away to a fantastic restaurant. It's one that he was going to take me for my 18th, but circumstances wouldn't allow. We have been keeping the surprise for about 2 months now.

Thanks you all for listening and for your good advice.

It's me again. You're not goin to believe what just happened.

Right after I posted my last message, Dad rang to ask if everything was OK with my A b/f. He knows that we are having difficulties, but doesn't know about the drinking. And still doesn't. Spent an hour talking things through and I feel miles better. Because, it's not just about the drinking, is it?

I have had difficulty with the Steps, because I don't believe in God, but I really think there was someone watching out for me tonight. Because they sent you guys and my Dad.

Thank you, whoever you are.

Minnie

xxxxxxxxxxx

Minnie -

Good for you ! Glad good things are happening for you. You have a great time with your Dad on his birthday.

Hugs - L

Have a really good time Minnie.

Thanks again. Feel a whole lot better this morning. Will get some work done, then head off in the sunshine in my 2 seater sports car with the roof down, the wind in my hair and some tunes on the CD player. It's about me today. And my Dad tomorrow. And me the day after..........

(((HUGS))) to everyone.

Minnie

Thank you for stating that. I admit that I'm one of those who at times gets confused with this and it's good to have help with clearing the issue.
Thank you so much Journeygirl!

minnie - love to hear from you - i can identify - altho never formally diagnosed, i am sure my ah has ptsd as he also is a combat veteran (viet nam) and that's what he focuses on when he drinks heavily. anything you can share about your situation will help me. it really feels good to share with others who understand and have been in "our shoes". thanks and hope your dad's surprise party is a pleasant time for you!

:redfinger

hello again guys.

Just to let you know that my weekend was a huge success - think my Dad is still in shock with it all.

As far as my A b/f is concerned, I really don't know whether I'm coming or going. We had a huge argument (not the one I posted about) before I started this post last week. I realise now that he was shouting at me because he realised he had made a mistake and was angry at himself. This happens every week or so and he really doesn't seem to realise how it makes me feel. Then he expects me to "live for today" etc etc and tries to make me feel guilty for not being close to him.

When I got back last night, I found that he and his son had redecorated the lounge, complete with new curtains, and done loads of lovely things to make the bedroom nice. Why can't I take this at face value? Why do I feel like I am being manipulated to forget about the bad times? Why can't I be in a relationship where I can be happy that someone does nice things for me without thinking that there is an ulterior motive? (I'm not asking you guys for answers, they are questions for me really).

And I found another empty bottle this morning.

Hey ho.

Sorry Cwohio, forgot to respond to you.

I understand what the spouses are going through, but I don't for a minute understand what the vets are going through. My theory is that they drink either to numb their feelings or to fill a void in their lives. Or both.

Feel free to e-mail or PM me. we can get through this.