The 2 most undervalued factors
 

After reading several threads recently with the common themes: Why can't I let go!? Why do I still miss him!? Why is this so hard!? Why can't I just leave!?

This question seems to be asked even though the relationship is acknowledged as being "over"...when the brain "knows" that there is no possibility of a reuniting or a good outcome.

Those of us who have already been through the fire...with compassion and a desire to be of help... respond with rational and objective answers to these questions. We offer support and reasurances as best we can.

Sadly, however, our ministrations seem to offer little solice or help for those who are in the grips of early grieving. Those who are suffering still proclaim--"Something is wrong..what is wrong with me....if it hurts, something is wrong and I must be doing the wrong thing!!"

This is the thing that I have noticed....among the various kinds of help that we offer up....THERE ARE TWO THINGS THAT ARE SELDOM MENTIONED--and even if they are..are given only brief and glancing mention.

These, 2 things, as I see it, are: TIME and SPACE. TIME. and SPACE!

I have seen so much human suffering, over the years. And, I have had my own...
I have never seen suffering that was not modified by time and space. The removal of the sting. Changed from incapacitating and crippling to memories (albeit, painful, often times) that surround the healed scars. Memories, yes..but not with the kind of pain that drops one to their knees and unable to breath...like the time it happened.

I am not sure that our culture (of everything instant)prepares us for the realistic expectations of what to expect when tragedy strikes. We don't know what human grief looks like...and, most of all....we don't know the necessary value of it in the big picture of our lives. We also consistently underestimate the amount of time it really takes! We want to feel better and comfortable NOW. Of course, none of us want pain...much less, embrace it. But to not know that suffering comes into every life in some form..sooner or later....vastly increases the intensity of our suffering, I believe.

SPACE: When any organism is being damaged by that which is harmful or toxic....the first action that diminishes the damage is to remove that organism from the damaging agent. One cannot heal if they are assaulted on a daily basis of that which is harmful. A different environment that is safe and nurturing is needed for healing.

I can remember when my own dear husband was taken from me by a swift illness. I can remember the pain that I felt. There was nothing like it.
Over time...the main thing that helped me was TIME and SPACE.
I had no options. TIME and SPACE were thrust upon me like an unwelcome blanket. I certainly did not realize that those were the very things that would carry me to my present day....safely, and with a healed heart and soul.

Now, I am not saying that those are the only thing that help healing....support of caring others, self help, , etc. are extremly important...but, time and space allow us to avail ourselves of these other healing measures.
The human heart has enormous powers of healing if given the chance.
We are constructed, thusly.

This is what I am trying to say: When you are hurting beyond what words can describe....have trust that time and space will carry you, like gentle angels, to where you need to be.

Time and Space.

I just felt moved to share these thoughts in case there are those who might take comfort from them.

dandylion

Dandylion, great post, and worthy of saving!

Someone recently posted that "time takes time", and I think your post here is the explanation of what that meant. How I wish that simply making the decision to change would instantly cause the change to happen, all at once and fully realized. It doesn't seem to go that way, though. Not by a long shot.

Again, thanks for taking the time and thought to express this so well. I'm very grateful--it's something I needed to hear now.

Oh, honeypig....I am so glad that you came along to read it.....

another thing I would say to you is.....try not to be so afraid of the pain....because this is only temporary....

dandylion

We talk about walking through "it." However, "it" might take several YEARS!

Great posts!!

From my experience, before I could leave, I had to address my fear issues! What was I afraid of and why?

Then time and space has helped with so much.

Thank you so much, Dandylion, for this post!

I heard something recently, about how people heal.. how time brings them round to being happier, again. I am terrible with words, or I'd try to relay the message conveyed by that radio show. I think it was a Ted talk.

Anyway, I think your post is a keeper too. I hope that many get to read it, and that they find comfort in this truth.

Thank you, for your always thoughtful, wise and caring posts:hug:

Great post, Dandylion.

You made me think, we have no control over time, but we often can control space. Exerting a small amount of control over that space can sometimes make a difference in the time it takes to move the healing process forward. Here's a little example:

I used to dread the thought of kicking my husband out. The fear of putting myself into a situation where I wouldn't know if he was ok or not was paralyzing. When I finally did kick him out I was stunned at how quickly I got over that fear. It took all of one night. By exerting influence over my space I was able to affect the length of time it took me to adjust to a new reality, and thus move forward in my own recovery.

In influencing my space I was able to speed up the time.

Early in my recovery not only could I not appreciate the importance of time and space, but I beat myself up.....especially about time.

Why had I waited so long? Why was I not over this? Why was it so painful? How come I could not do it differently?

I used time especially as a weapon against my fave target, myself.

That is what is so hard for me to read when we have new people posting. They are in an untenable situation, and then heaping more angst on themselves. That is hard to read because I can so relate.

Great post, thanks.

Great post. Interesting, my AH was told over and over again at rehab that he needed time and space as well when he was trying to get sober/start his recovery.

Terrific post. You get to the heart of the matter. While the time and space took effect it helped to fight isolation. In AA there's a saying: you're either walking toward a drink or away from one. Substitute drink with alcoholic (they're both compulsions, obsessions). The more I could distract my mind, by getting away from my own head, the easier it got. Lots of Alanon, friends, get out of my home. Because when I just let my mind go where it wants, I'm in denial & rationalization. How good the good times were! Yea, right.

Thanks for posting this.

Great post, Dandylion!!! Thank you!!!

And this:
really hits a nerve with me -- on many levels.

We're a fast-moving society. We don't walk the five blocks to the video store and discuss with the owner what new movies he can recommend anymore -- we get recommendations from Netflix based on what we've watched and we can instantly get the movies... or order shoes... or groceries... online... I'm not saying that's a bad thing, but I do think you're right, that we're missing something. Time, space, and relationships. I'd add the third one because...

...because we're sort of more isolated now, too. And we need other people also -- to tell us it's going to be OK, to get perspective, to understand that others have gone through pain and suffering and come out the other side and thrived.

Thank you dandylion I needed to hear that today! I am one of those people who want to feel better now, today. So thank you for reminding me it takes time and space to heal.

Great post, Dandylion!!! I've been through so many tragedies in my life, but I still need to remember this. Situations that happen to include addiction/alcoholism and some that don't.

Looking back, I can see that it was time and space that got me through them. I'm an impatient person, but I also see that things fell into space given enough time and space.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Thank you D. These are very comforting words. I have been really hard on myself for not getting past the pain quicker. It is true what you say. Space is hard for me right now and the time that it is taking to change that element has been a bit overwhelming as well. But you have brought me much comfort.