irisgardens

Seek, really glad you are here, and understand many of your comments...and yet...really glad you are here.

I, too, resonate with cassap06 on encouragement...but often wonder if it is because I am a good encourager to others...and so I just continue to do it...and work on myself...it took me years and years to realize that it was truly ok to work on myself...many bottoms...a lot of work...and what I am finding now is that there is resistance to things I never would have imagined years ago...as I was just trying to 'fix' things...it was my nature.

I have not found it easy to take steps...and although in earlier years...I had more frequent ah hah's...find that I am still peeling the onion and there is always more...

It is good to read here...and the f&f of substance abusers has been good for me...although I have both in my 'blood' relative background as does husband...so I try to focus on the parts of me that can live and learn to live healthier.

I am really glad for this thread...lots of awesome posts...all kinds...and it has been a gentle reminder that I need to continue doing what this phase of my journey entails...setting boundaries and not letting the emotions get the best of me in my work situations...and acceptance of what is. No day is the same...and every day is a challenge...but I truly believe that by digging deeper into my own recover...for me...and letting go in love...which is such a struggle as I have an active addict--third child of five...praise God that the older two are on their own life journeys now...and have a lot of life bombs to deal with right now...one step at a time...I know that I just need to work my program the best I can and it will help.

It also helps me to come here and yes, when I do not get responses...I get my feelings hurt and then I am harsh with myself...but am coming to understand that it is all a process and it all takes time and we are worth it...and I get through those moments and kind of hug myself and try to not let it get to my fears and anxieties about myself because that is what it is. Other times, I get a response and it is almost like new breath in my life.

Thank you for your wonderful post and all the wonderful responses ... very grateful...the truth in kindness...and care is what I experienced reading and you helped me as did all the other posts.

LifeRecovery

Seek-

I think what I meant was instead of focusing on how your situation is different because it is not a significant other could you find similarities in the feelings, the need for detachment (thought it might look a little different) with love, the need for self-care around any addicted love one etc????

They talk about "terminal uniqueness" in AA, and I find this to be true for myself in my own recovery. My eating disorder looked different on the outside then someone else so I did not think I could get support from them for example in my early days of recovery. On this side I face similar challenges but it is more about me thinking my relationship is unique (instead of myself). I have done this with addiction, but also with mental illness.

I have found that my feelings are pretty similar (regardless of the relationship), but that my actions may need to be different. I did divorce my husband. With my family I still have had to change how I interact with them. That means visits, communication, holidays etc. I do no live close to my family, because I don't think that I could maintain appropriate self-care right now living closer than I do. I have had to learn to put myself first, not the relationship (which has been very hard for me, and is an ongoing work in progress).

It sounds like you have many skills under your belt already you are just working on putting them into play with this relationship. I understand not wanting to talk about details that might compromise the individual, but what is it about this relationship for YOU that is so challenging to fully put those skills into place????? What is your story around this? The reason I ask is though I did divorce my husband I did spent a long time feeling like I could not BECAUSE I had made the choice to marry him....warts and all. In many ways I could not choose my family and that gives me some objectivity from them/my relationship with them.

Finally Al-Anon is part of many of our recoveries here (like you), but my recovery is MORE than Al-Anon. I do therapy, body work, am starting to get back into a spiritual program, meditation. I think Al-Anon is simple (not easy), inexpensive step for many in recovery and we do recommend it to many early in recovery. I think many people find a lot of things that help in their own journey, and I have been amazed at the paths they take. When I was willing to see all of the things people were doing it helped me to flush out my own recovery and pick and choose from what others had tried.

seek

Beautiful Irisgardens - Thank you! LifeRecovery - thanks for spelling it out. Because I have experienced both the boyfriend/husband dynamic and the kid/grandkid dynamic, I guess I feel like an "expert" of sorts on the differences FOR ME . . . I know the feelings for me are different . . . that is what I am trying to express . . . it is harder FOR ME to detach.

I also don't relate to a lot of the trauma/drama that people with boyfriends/husbands willingly put up with - that is my personal judgment - I just find it unnecessary in its extreme forms - or when the same patterns continue for years - and the person is VOLUNTEERING for the relationship. I have a belief that blood bonded relationships are "thicker than water" - and I know that a lot of people would disagree. It's just my belief and how I feel . . .

It also is a little triggering for me when a younger "girl" who is not married doesn't "get it" even after they "should." (Someone with no kids). I don't have much personal tolerance for that and don't particularly want to read about it (just saying what is true for me) - so I would love to have a dedicated place for moms and grandmas and the girlsfriendss/wives/boyfriends/husbands could have another section. I really don't think that is too radical - it wouldn't hurt anyone.

It is frustrating when you KNOW because of alcohol addiction in this country and other countries, that there are tons of moms/grandmas who are suffering - that there is not more discussion. Do all of these people have it together? I doubt it! If there was a dedicated section, it wouldn't feel so lonely posting how you feel as a grandma when your grandson does "x." . . .

I think my feelings about this are "justified" - not sure why I feel I have to defend them - maybe because of the "terminal uniqueness" comment. I guess we will just have to "agree to disagree."

My feelings are valid - my feelings are valid - my feelings are valid - giving myself the support I need

seek

It's great that Alanon works for so many people - just realize that not all people are fans. It no longer says in this section heading that it is a requirement for participation, but people act as if it is. It's a little cultish that way - everyone has their own path - I tried it - more than tried it . . . and I have another path. Please don't hate me for it (ha ha - being overly dramatic as in "Please don't hate me for being beautiful" - I have a weird sense of humor).

LifeRecovery

I am sorry Seek my intention was not to trigger you.

I think your feelings are very important and it was not my intent to say otherwise. I think what I was trying to say is "What are your feelings about you, your relationship with your loved one, and your loved one? Often you comment on that they are different, but not actually what you are feeling about your situation (I think it is a grandchild struggling).

I would imagine that it would feel helpless to watch a loved one who you have known his whole life and has brought you so much joy struggling and not be able to make it better like you could when he was a child???? How are you feeling right now is what I was trying to ask? That gives me something to relate to about your situation, and would help me to support you better I think.

I believe some time ago you posted about what others did for their recovery that was not Al-Anon? Were we able to support you around that with that post? I think your journey has been amazing.

seek

Thank you for clarifying. I can't respond now, but will later. I appreciate the support.

Thank you!

NYCDoglvr

Nothing anyone said or did made the slightest difference in my drinking. It was obvious I was powerless over alcohol and that my life had become unmanageable, I lost a great job and wonderful people. The reason I stopped drinking 23 years ago is I came within a hair's breath of dying because of alcohol. I crawled into the rooms of AA because of cold fear about dying. Recovery is slow, it takes a great deal of hard work, therapy and thousands of meetings to change into a person who cares deeply about others.

suncatcher

Seek, I just want to say being a mom and grandma myself I can only imagine the pain you go through. I wish you peace and clarity and brighter days ahead.

seek

I was going to respond to each post, but today I find myself in a different head space. I had been extremely anxious - with intrusive thoughts and worry - I am exhausted. I am working on affirmations to allow me the permission, basically, to develop healthier thinking habits.

A work in progress.

irisgardens

"All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well." Dame Julian of Norwich

Seek...just re-read this thread as it helped me a lot yesterday...and caught the saying posted as part of your signature.

Part of my journey was to discover St. Julian of Norwich...from a completely protestant evangelical background to spiritual direction at a spiritual center and her life of all the saints captured me...and I was so changed by so much of what I learned...and for the better...and so...to your point that meetings don't work for everyone...they don't...and although I am doing meetings now...it was a very difficult path for me to take...and I sought instead therapists, the inner path as per above...other things that have been mentioned above...body work...etc.

I am glad you are here...and I am finding that meetings are easier for me now as I came to understand that I couldn't control things...and that was my big obstacle...and it has changed my life radically and not always for the easier...but I would say for the happier (if considered over the long run--as I can get very detailed and then I obsess).

Glad to meet someone else who is aware of St. Julian...and just had to mention that she has been a huge part of my spiritual recovery...which right now is very fragmented...and I am digging deeper...but finding her and the spiritual work I did around meditation and different forms...wow...that really changed my life for the better for a very long time...in different situation now...with a different child...and different circumstances...so still walking the journey.

FireSprite

A few thoughts for you all:

You might have more luck drawing in responses from other parents/grandparents if you somehow include that reference in your thread title. I know I've read others say that they are more likely to read/respond if they identify with a post based on the title. There was a thread a while back specifically for parents/grands that they were using as a daily check-in - maybe you could revive something like that?

I also wonder if you & others in your position actually ARE in the minority of F&F members working a recovery? Not because you are in the minority in terms of number of people affected, but that (at least judging by all that I've read about other's ES&H) parents/grandparents seem more likely to continue enabling/less aware of the realities of addiction & less likely to seek counsel on behalf of their addicted loved ones? I don't KNOW this, I'm pondering the possibility after reading through this thread today. It just seems to be a pretty common obstacle that spouses deal with - that their in-laws are so blindly enmeshed & are often out of the line of fire where the consequences are concerned.

Don't get stuck on the number of responses you all get to a post - but for sure, the more you post & share, the more people remember your story & can see & remark on things like your progress or specific advice for your situation (in the way of sharing their own experiences). Honestly, I've gotten as much or more out of reading & responding on other people's posts. Sometimes I just like surfing through the archives, one keyword search at a time. Sometimes - like CodeJob said, I like to just dig into a specific member's past posts because I find something relatable about their story or the way that they write.