Mese

My AH was sober for almost 5 months and started drinking again 2 months ago. He has been the hospital twice claiming he wanted to detox but only lasted one day and left. He went back to rehab for 7 days and began drinking the day after he was released.

He obviously has no plans to stop drinking or to take getting sober serious! I have threatened him if he doesn't stop that I am moving out. But I am having a hard time really doing that. He is also abisive and destroys our home! I have had enough and realize I deserve better than this! I deserve to be happy!

I have finally got a job where I can be financially independent and do what I want to without having to depend on him.

Why can't I just leave? Will I ever have enough courage to finally leave and not feel guilty for leaving?

I would appreciate anyones advice!! I am lost on what I need to do but I realize I have to make a change!

Tamerua

It's a process. Sometimes you have to let your head overrule you heart. Listen to the head for now and get your plan together.

Sent from my iPhone using SoberRecovery

ladyscribbler

Have you been to Alanon? Those meetings help me a lot. My ex was also a big one for tearing up the house. I never knew what I would find walking through the door or coming downstairs.

CodeJob

Hi Mese, Codependent No More by Melody Beattie was my source for boundaries.

Peace!

Mese

I have been to Al Anon and am reading their books. It has helped me to see things a lot different but I am still having a hard time with this.

But I can't live in this chaos any more either!

marie1960

When making important life decisions, it's best to stick to the facts.

While it is easier said than done, I had to reach real deep, and not allow my emotions to rule.

I have to practice self control, I am the only one in charge of me. If I want to feel physically and mentally healthy, than I need to stay away from those negative influences.

Of course it hurts, it stings, it burns, but so does being with a partner who can never be emotional available as long as he remains in active addiction.

The choice remains yours, if this is as good as it will ever be, is it good enough?
Facts, Mese, it's all about the facts. Listen to your inner voice, it's telling you something.

Hugs

lillamy

Here's what it was like for me: I knew for most of the 20 years I was married to an A that this was not what I wanted. What stopped me from leaving? At first, the fact that my friends and family had warned me about marrying a guy I had only known for a short period of time (not even a year). I was too proud to let them be right, so I stuck it out.

Then, I didn't see the A I was married to as capable of taking care of himself. He would tell me he only had me and the kids, that he didn't have any friends and that his family of origin was just hateful and didn't love him. So I stayed out of guilt.

And towards the end, I stayed because I was afraid of what would happen if I left. I was afraid he would lawyer up and get custody of the kids, I was afraid that he would kill me, I was afraid.

A few things happened that helped me.

First, going to Al-Anon and coming here to SR and reading (and posting a little bit) made me realize that my husband was an adult who was responsible for himself. I wasn't responsible for him; he was. I also came to understand that I was not respecting him as an adult when I thought he needed me as a caretaker.

Second, I stopped caring what people would think about me. See, part of my problem was that I didn't want to be "the bad guy" who broke up the marriage. I was hoping AXH would cheat on me -- then I would have an "acceptable" reason to leave. I was hoping he would hit me -- then I would have an "acceptable" reason to leave. It took me a very long time to come to the conviction that it is my life and I decide what is a good reason to leave and that it didn't matter what AXH, the neighbor, my mother-in-law, or the Pope thought was a good enough reason.

I don't know if you have kids, but I did (do) -- and that was another eye-opener. I told myself children need an intact family and I would harm them if I left. When two of my kids practically BEGGED me to leave their father, it was a big wakeup call.

And the final thing that helped me was that someone else got a glimpse of my situation and called a spade a spade, and told me I didn't have an obligation to stay in an abusive, dysfunctional situation, that I had the right to leave.

So my message to you is: You don't have to convince anyone else that you have the right to leave. You do have the absolute right to leave. Your AH is an adult who makes his own choices. He doesn't think his drinking is a problem, so he has no reason to stop. You think it's a problem, which means you have a right to remove yourself from the situation. You only have one life, and you don't have to live it according to what he or anyone else thinks you should do. You make the choices in your life. (((hugs)))

meggem

I can relate to how you feel. I felt that way too. It wasn't for love though, I just had no idea what to do and I think more importantly I didn't know what to say to my family. I had kept so much a secret that I didn't know how to tell them or where to begin.

Thankfully (I guess) mine went on complete and full display in front of my family at the beach this summer. so that kind of settled that.

I know I probably didn't help much, but I do understand. Using your head and not your heart is a good one too.

LoveMeNow

It took me a long time to leave too. I was in such a FOG (fear, obligation and guilt). And I was very hard on myself for staying. I envied every person that "got out." But during the 2 years I waited for him to change and seek real recovery, I kept working on me with a therapist, SR, a codependent course until I gained some clarity and strength. Be gentle with yourself. You will know what to do when you are ready but I would like to strongly encourage you to keep working you (therapy, SR, alanon, whatever you need) during this time. It will makes the whole process much easier in the long run.

Kboys

"Why can't I just leave? Will I ever have enough courage to finally leave and not feel guilty for leaving? "
Well I can't answer that for you, but I have asked myself the same questions for the last two years. And when I FINALLY had enough about a month ago and forced him to leave... I ended up letting him come home a week later, and now am still asking the same questions again, and felt ashamed I had given in AGAIN. But I've been learning to not be too hard on myself, and I feel like it's just all part of the process for me. I'm learning as I go, and I know that one day I will be strong enough to make him stay gone, and to not feel guilty about it.
It is SO hard, so be gentle with yourself. You will leave when you are ready.

alove2nv

Hi. I am new here. I was just going to ask this question myself..."Why can't I just leave?"
We are not married, have been together for 2.5 years. We live together and he is an alcoholic. He has been to rehab and jail, nothing works. He just wants to do what he wants to do. He blames everyone else for his problems and that's why he drinks.

He has destroyed about $4k in property of mine in the last 2.5 years. I just stopped buying stuff for the house. The last 2 months he has become physical. I fight back, but still. It's no excuse for this behavior.

I love him so much, but I can't take this anymore. It is eating me alive and not healthy for my 9yr old son to see either. I want out so bad, but don't know how or where to start. I haven't been saving because I pay the majority of the bills....I just feel stuck.

I know exactly how you feel.

lillamy

I also wanted to link you to this post that LoveMeNow made. I think it's a very, very good one:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...dict-mate.html

ladyscribbler

I kept myself stuck in a relationship like that for five years. It does NOT get better with the passage of time. Alcoholism is progressive and so is abuse and violence.
Do you have to be the one to leave? Is it his house? My ex owned the house, so I ended up having to move back in with my mom for awhile (with both my kids) until I got back on my feet.
I stayed stuck for too long because I cut myself off from a lot of choices because of my pride and stubbornness. No way I was going to a shelter, or moving back home or any other option that didn't involve him getting sober and us having the life together I thought we were supposed to have.

alove2nv

I do have to leave, I want to leave. It's his place (too many memories).. he is behind in rent (Deal is Him = Rent, Me = Bills) I have cut off the cell phones, and the cable now. I got a prepaid. I even bought him one, but he broke it last night in one of his "drunk temper tantrums" (of course it was my fault cause I was bothering him). I won't be doing that again!!! I just got an great job with an NFL Team and I am going in the right direction.....except for him.

I know (and so does everyone around me) that he is not going to change, it is so hard for me to just leave. I have no where to go...and like you, I am NOT living in a shelter or anyone else's house (I tried that last week.. I had to come back, I am too picky to live with other people).

I know I will be okay once I get my own place. I have my own car, and can live well with my son. He will be stuck with a blow and go for 10 years..yes 10 once he gets his license back! He has a background and can't get a great job, and has child support to pay for the next 14 years....What the hell was I thinking??

It's so crazy that I am sitting here writing this...knowing how he is, how I feel about him...yet I love him and wish with all my might that he could be "cured" forever and we could run away into the sunset together.

Yeah I know...I am in la la land!

dandylion

alove2nv....I had to laugh at your "too picky to l ive with other people" LOL!!

For me...I would rather live in a den of fire-breathing dragons than live with an active alcoholic!!!!!!

dandylion

alove2nv

LOL....I know but atleast he is a OCD about cleaning alcoholic! I can't stand filth! I rather just deal with him for another month til I can get a place. Hell 2.5 years, what's another month...

RollTide

I wondered the same thing. I went to AlAnon, did lots of reading here and also read books on the subject. I finally got it through my head that I was not doing him or myself any favors by staying. It was evident that he had no desire to quit drinking. If I wanted sanity in my life then it would have to be without him. I thank God that I finally left.

Now I wonder, "Why did I stay?"

redatlanta

And yet…..you do. Many do. Many say this same things for years…..why?

Because change is *****ing hard. With kids involved even more so. You end one chaos by leaving yet you know that leaving is going to cause another type of chaos. Perhaps you know the divorce will be a horrific fight and you're tired already.

I never read on here someone who left who regretted it they only regretted they did not do it sooner.

My advice would be to start making a plan. Start looking at homes or apartments you may want to rent or buy. Start looking at finances and make some determinations about how your life will change and how to accommodate it. Make an appointment with an attorney and find out how the process of divorce will go and what you can expect to happen with the division of assets.

Once you have a plan in place it makes it easier to leap.

Neagrm

If I had a well-paying job, I'd be outta there. All you need is your health and your job.