killerinstinct

My sons father was on tv last night promoting his new theatrical performance on prime time tv thanks to his new girlfrfriend who works in media.,, I want to scream... He looks so normal and so together... I'm going crazy... I hate him... How can this happen to me why me why me.., every time I make progress it's something

MissFixit

Pretty much anyone can pull themselves together for brief moments. It is the daily grind that really matters in relationships.

maia1234

I'm so sorry it hurts.

Timeiskey

My ex A also has a great stage appearance. Isn't he an actor? Mine is a musician. It's part of the act, the show... It has thrown me repeatedly and made me question my own memories... Was he really that bad? Did I make mountains out of molehills? If my ex was that addicted, then how can he appear so normal? Those were all thoughts I had from the outside looking in, when I had some real space. But I got a reminder of who he really is when I re-engaged. Nope, he is exactly what I remember... A manipulative alcoholic who only got worse every time I went back. It's just a show, play on player! What are the lyrics from fleetwood Mac "players only love you when their playin'"

killerinstinct

Timeisky.. can I ask you, how long has it been since you have had space from him and had contact and realized he is still the same? a couple or months years? did you have kids? its so important for me to know this, its just real good reassurance to hear what you have said.. I am saying the same thing.. and also adding to the mix, "oh he must love his new girlfriend now so much because she is getting him all these connections, I bet he doesn't cheat on her, I bet he respects her so much, they must be having the best sex ever because we never did so I'm sure she is doing a great job of pleasing him because he didn't want to go near me because we always fought and they mustn't so it would have to be mind blowing, she must be so understanding and patient and grounded when dealing with him, they must do so many romantic things together.. she must be so intelligent and they must have amazing conversations together something that he couldn't do with me, I was not an academic and she is and that's why she is the one for him and he looks so settled now" I am so jealous of her its killing me.. its all speculation in my head I know but there is a very good chance its true, he looks so happy. I have become this sour bitter twisted angry 30 year old single mum. I wonder if the grass is greener on the other side with him.. I am so sad.. I have never been through anything like this. Thanks missfixit and cazza I hope you're right too, I would be a whole lot more relaxed if this man of many faces wasn't who he shows he is.. I don't mean that in a horrible way, I am just so down that I keep on doubting myself.

iamthird

I know how you feel. Dont romanticize the new relationship. He is still the same man. I used to focus on the new enabling gf of my separated AH. Theyd post pics on various social media which used to burn me up. But guess what, he still tries with me and just called me for help a week ago when he was stranded. Their pics and bible verses on her Instagram still remain. Oh shes so holy by quoting scripture but living with my husband. Lol! Their FB and Instagram is a facade...in your case its what you see on TV, it is not reality! Over time I have seen he is the same tangled mess he has been.

Please try to do something for you. You deserve more. Do not worry about them. The best revenge is to live a prosperous life. That is what I am doing now. It feels great!!!

Butterfly

Killerinstinct, I am sorry you are so angry and upset. One thing I have realised is that they can keep up a facade for a period of time but can't hold it together for very long, a leopard doesn't change its spots especially an A unless they are in recovery, this new woman he has is a means to an end she can do things for him for his career and I imagine it won't be long before he's treating her the way he treated you or she walks away as she will realise who he is.

Stay strong keep the focus on you and do something nice for yourself. Tight hugs and peace

Sasha4

I know how you feel.
I understand that hate feeling and the questions 'did I overreact?'.

However recently I have started to think that it took me 12 years to come to my senses about him. I had some doubts in that time too.

I think she will come to her senses about him a lot quicker than I did/ She looks like she could be ruthless and much more high maintenance than I ever was. She is all about her image, her handbags, her expensive holidays. I am sure the novelty of having a poor, in debt, selfish liar as a partner will soon wear off.
I just want to be able to sit back, watch and enjoy as it all unravels.
And he is never coming back here!
He's not my responsibility anymore and I thank my lucky stars everyday for that.

I wish you the best.

PS I'm a 41 year old single mum, with wrinkles, unbrushed hair and I still get spots. I have massive bags under my eyes but I'm not bitter anymore! xx

redatlanta

I am pretty sure the beginning of your relationship was different than the end of it. If active A's revealed their monstrosity from the get go many of us would never have engaged.

Real happiness is solid and deep, its not an outside facade that is shallow. Something new is just that - something new. Single A's need co-dependents. They are always looking for the person who is going to "fix" them. Sadly, no one can so the relationships swirl back down to the realities of the addiction and the failure of the A to address it.

He is on best behavior I am sure. More will be revealed - they can't do it forever. if she is a codie they will drag each other down to the bottom. If a normie she will realize she stepped in sh*t and boot him to the curb.

He is not different honey.

killerinstinct

Thanks redatlanta I really appreciate your support.. Thanks all for your comments too I don't know where I'd be without SR members .. I'm slowly dying inside but I have to trust that some how some way some day I will make it and he won't effect me anymore .. One day I will rise above it all and not be hurt anymore .. One day

Eauchiche

Heaven sakes, the whole entertainment industry is fake.
How many sober wholesome people are in entertainment? I'll bet they are in the minority.
When you think of that scene of your husband from now on, just remember Lindsay Lohan....

hopeful4

This...100%!!!!

meggem

imagine his tv appearance as a facebook status. Fake.

and slow down...your mind is going a million miles a minute. Center yourself...I don't know him but I kind of know you a little so I know the guy is a Class A JERK. I trust you. So you trust you.

readerbaby71

I found that this helps:

Byron Katie devised a simple technique to cut through the mire of self-loathing and fear through self enquiry or introspection. Every time you have a negative thought, ask yourself the below questions and write down the answer to each.

Am I 100% percent confident of the truth in this thought? Or Am I deeply certain that this is a true thought.
What is this thought making me feel and go through (write down all the physical sensations you feel in your body)
Now reverse the thought and find out five reasons why it’s true ( for example, if you original thought was “I am terrified that I will lose my job”, just reverse it in any way – “I am not terrified that I will lose my job” or “I am terrified that I will not lose my job” and find five reasons why these thoughts are true)

The third step is the most vital one. Reverse your original thought in as many ways as you can and find out 5 reasons why it could be true. If you just put in some effort, and honesty, you can easily come up with 5 reasons even if you initially think the “reverse thought” to be most absurd.

Just try this technique with any one of your negative thought patterns and see how easily it breaks through it. You will realize that the mind was just repeating the negative thought without any concrete reason that you need to fear about. The thought will then lose its grip on you.

How To Deal With Unwanted Negative Thoughts?

lillamy

I remember friends telling me they were jealous of my marriage. AXH was able to put on such a show, be funny and generous and gregarious and show off his amazing brain at functions where we'd be all dressed up and smiling at people... and then he'd be a complete jerk the second the lights were off.

I also remember how his Mr. Hyde persona would shine through more and more even at public events once his alcoholism progressed. How people would more and more withdraw and how, after I left, he hung out with new friends who were mostly unemployed drunks who crashed on each others' couches.

There's fiction and there's reality. As alcoholism progresses, the addict is less and less able to keep up the fiction. You are lucky you don't have to be there for the final act, where he pees himself in the bed and falls asleep in his puke on the bathroom floor.

Timeiskey

Killer- to answer your questions, I don't have children. We live next to each other and share outside space. We "dated" for ten months before the alcohol became unbearable, but it was all day everyday together. I still live within feet of him, so it has been difficult to remain in no contact, which has led to repeated ugly episodes. Our last was about three or four weeks ago. Within two weeks, he was with another woman. And they are together all the time now, blah blah blah.

Meanwhile, there were times I would see him on his porch or around town and he seemed so normal and made gestures to show me that he was changing, but he isn't and he won't until he admits that there is something wrong. I have been heartbroken over the whole mess and this new lady is a huge daily punch in the gut. I go back and forth even now, but deep inside, I know that this new relationship isn't any different. Like Red said, if she stays, its because she is sick too. I know my ex's MO. I know she is probably very charmed and flattered to be in his world right now. But just like I was unable to be his muse (he told everyone that he had changed and was inspired to write new music and start his own projects again and slowed down seriously on the drinking when we first got together)...but it didn't last...because I can't be those things for him. and my Codi ways only meant that I lost myself in the relationship and we both spiraled... again, just like Red said. And neither can this new woman fix him, so ultimately, he will just cycle back to the heavier drinking, be mean and/or dismissive of her needs and it will all go the same way...

I try not to give their relationship too much thought. I have no idea what is happening between them and to focus on what might be going on just brings me more pain...simply seeing her car outside my house is enough pain. I can't do myself any more harm by contemplating their sex life and their intimate moments...and I know it is all bull hockey anyway. don't get me wrong, I can't stop all the thoughts, but I don't follow them down the path to obsession...I have enough obsession just trying to work through the last engagement with him and having to find my way back to my own comfort.

However, I am grateful that he has gotten together with someone so quickly and rushed into spending so much time with her- because it shows me that it is a pattern. And all those sweet things he said to me three weeks ago were just lies. he told me he couldn't be with anyone else...lie...he told me he could never be angry with me...lie. That isn't love. At least, that isn't the kind of love I want or need. So, instead of trying to dissect in my mind what they are up to, I am instead dissecting why I engaged for so long. Why I have such little regard for myself that I would go back for more hurt and abuse. Why I engaged last time with unrealistic expectations of him...and although I am suffering and in pain, I am also starting to understand what I really want and how to go about getting there in the future.

Through that, I am actually starting to recover a little of my compassion, through which I feel sorry for him and her. My aunt said to me the other day, "thank God he isn't your problem anymore". That was hard to hear, but it really is true, because now I can move into a peaceful place where walking on egg shells only to be hatefully rejected is no more. It was only ten months, but this has been my cycle. I might not even have the insight to be on this website or working on my own recovery if I had not this time choose a man who one night back in June was a sheer reflection of my mother twenty five years ago...that was the wake up call for me. This is a cycle of concern and worry. This has to end. BTW, my mother passed away from alcohol abuse at 48. Lets learn a better way than engaging in such disease if we have a choice.

fairlyuncertain

I think I'm a pretty decent person, and intelligent. And my ex hooked me. He manipulated and charmed me, lied about his alcoholism and addiction and made me doubt my own judgement, just so he could get away with it. And I loved him and supported him--and tried to be better!!! Because he told me he wouldn't drink/get angry/call names/spend money/disappear if I was just a better person. I believed it.

It hurts me when I see that he's charming and manipulating others--but then I think, 'well, I got taken in. These are probably just regular people like me, who know absolutely nothing about alcoholism; and life's about to give them a crash course in addiction studies!!

It still hurts, though

shil2587

Some things I got from your posts.
1. They have been together less than three weeks.
2. His girlfriend is promoting his career.
3. He is letting his girlfriend get involved in his career.

1+2=unhealthy behaviour on her part.
1+3=using behaviour on his part.

Sounds to me like nothing has changed for him but you're here, making progress, free of him