how to explain to ex....
 

long story short (i made a previous post you can look up through my profile to explain it more detailed).... i relapsed, it was the second time with my now ex. but the second one was A LOT worse. where as i just slipped more or less the first time around and didn't really 'do' anything...this time around i did some really crappy things to hurt her badly mentally/emotionally etc., and it dealt with texting back and forth to a random girl. (no past with the random person, literally never even hung out with her or such, knew from old job co-workers and such through the demon i call facebook).

the trust is really destroyed and torn to pieces due to my actions. i admit and accept repsonsibility and know it was all me. i've apologized, tried explaining (literally over 10-15 pages of letters, texts etc)

finally after her not talking or speaking to me since it happened we recently tried to talk about things.

bottom line, again long story short... how can i make somebody understand or believe me that i've always cared and been in love with them? that it was always and only them? that it was just this disease and ridiculous split personality like symptom? i call that the truth, but how can i try and make it be known? if theres one thing i long for, it'd be to make things work out with her. i truly felt we had something beyond one of a kind.

All you can do is be honest and show her reliable and trusting behavior. If you say you are going to do something, do it. STAY CLEAN. No "slip ups." Let her know you understand why she is mad, hurt, crushed. That you plan to show through your actions over the long term how much your relationship means. Then do it.

Give her space to heal.


More importantly get deep in your recovery and show her actions.


15 pages of words mean nothing AT ALL.

Don't tell her. Show her. Own what you've done and show her by focusing on your recovery and becoming a person who would not do that to her again.

Even then, no promises. But hopefully your recovery will be its own reward. Best of luck to you.

thanks for the quick responses.

You *be* that person for as long as it takes, and it could take a long time because

No it wasn't.

Actions speak leaps and bounds over words...focus on yourself and your recovery! Stay sober and things will fall into place the way they are meant to be. Best of luck

I just wanted to add...there is a ton of great advice here. Just keep in mind, even if you follow all of it, spend a long time living it, staying clean & sober the entire time, that won't guarantee anything.

The road to failure is paved with trying to control/manipulate another's feelings.

I guess what I'm trying to say is...do it for you, not for her.

Hi,

I think maybe you should work on you. Whatever program you are working is not addressing or focusing on your self hatred or feelings of self worth. From your earlier post you seem aware of these feelings and issues and how these feelings helped undermine your sobriety.

You keep falling into the self pity trap and part of your mind really thinks a 6-pack is a well- deserved answer. You could feel it building and yet...

Let the lady go for now. She cannot save you.

Think about it like a new player up from AAA. Pitchers mess with you. This relationship was your first at bat and you got schooled by your own internal issues. Get help - a mentor, a batting coach, a counselor, whatever works.

Best of luck Fire...

Speaking as a fellow alcoholic, let her go. You need to work on you and if you love her like you say you do, you will let her go. She needs to heal and recover from this and she needs to do this on her own and in her own time. You need to fix yourself on your own, concentrate on you.

Sometimes we do so much damage that there is no going back for the other person. There are things they can't unsee or unhear. Sometimes we have to accept this.

Keeping you and her in my thoughts and prayers. I hope that recovery can bring you peace.

let her go until you are well.

From reading your post you sound like a genuine person. You also remind me a lot of my ex - well I know it was only one post but I feel like he would say this to someone and I wish, oh I wish he would have let me go. Underneath his addiction and demons I do believe he meant well and I mean underneath ALOT of demons, but all he did was take me down with him.

I like that CodeJob used a baseball analogy. I've used one recently too.

I just moved out of my home but have agreed to "work on things" with my A. I tried to explain that it was going to take time, maybe a lot, and some space for things to heal and repair. (That's where the baseball analogy comes in)

If you're a major league pitcher and your relationship is your arm.. if you break your arm this week. You're not pitching next week. There is NO way possible. You'll have some time before surgery can be scheduled where you'll have to live with the pain, then you'll have surgery, then it'll need some time to heal. After that there will be really lite rehab, followed by more rehab, then you they might let you pitch in the minors "on assignment", after following ALL of those things and the time it takes, you MIGHT get to pitch in the majors again.. but there is no guarantee. Even if you do get back to the big park.. you may never pitch the same again..

It's a process, a healing and repairing process... where actions are the only things that matter.