Feel strong then I fall down
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Feel strong then I fall down
I've really experienced a range of emotions one minute I'm ok then for a long period of time I felt so angry then I'm driving back from a meeting and I can't stop crying then back to feeling angry now I'm just exhausted!!
The last few days have been difficult with a lot of realisations but it has left me feeling really upset and struggling with my emotions and the decisions he made. I admit I love him but he has hurt me so deeply there are days I don't think I will ever recover or reach a point in my life where it doesn't hurt and I don't want him home and sober!
It is when I am upset and feeling hurt that there is a risk I will contact him and start the cycle again of telling him I love him, I'm always here for him, I want him home and ask questions. I think about asking if he's ok but then I get angry as he doesn't ask how I am or how the kids are. I've been struggling with this all day and been so close to contacting him but I haven't I'm trying to think it through right to the end and how it would end, which is never good and me feeling really upset and having to start all over again.
I know these are the same things I keep talking about and I am sorry but there is something about writing here rather than my journal, no one listens when I write in my journal and it's lonely, I don't feel lonely when I post here I feel listened to.
Thank you.
The last few days have been difficult with a lot of realisations but it has left me feeling really upset and struggling with my emotions and the decisions he made. I admit I love him but he has hurt me so deeply there are days I don't think I will ever recover or reach a point in my life where it doesn't hurt and I don't want him home and sober!
It is when I am upset and feeling hurt that there is a risk I will contact him and start the cycle again of telling him I love him, I'm always here for him, I want him home and ask questions. I think about asking if he's ok but then I get angry as he doesn't ask how I am or how the kids are. I've been struggling with this all day and been so close to contacting him but I haven't I'm trying to think it through right to the end and how it would end, which is never good and me feeling really upset and having to start all over again.
I know these are the same things I keep talking about and I am sorry but there is something about writing here rather than my journal, no one listens when I write in my journal and it's lonely, I don't feel lonely when I post here I feel listened to.
Thank you.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
You are listened to Butterfly. The hurt will subside, but only if you let it. He does not ask how you are, or the kids are? Doesn't that say something about what his priority is....himself!
Truly, NC is the only way when you are feeling so susceptible to this. If you don't, you begin the cycle of misery all over.
You do not have the power to make him, or anyone, sober. You need healing for yourself. It seems to me you have a fear of being alone. You can move on in life, but only if you allow yourself to heal.
Truly, NC is the only way when you are feeling so susceptible to this. If you don't, you begin the cycle of misery all over.
You do not have the power to make him, or anyone, sober. You need healing for yourself. It seems to me you have a fear of being alone. You can move on in life, but only if you allow yourself to heal.
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Everyone says it's good to feel but I would love to not feel anything just for a while!
I know his only priority is himself and I think that is one of the things that hurts the most, he's walked away and doesn't care about what he's left behind or he's so ashamed of what he has done that he can't face me but I think it's because he couldn't care less he's getting to do what he wants and drink!! DS is maybe at his place once a week usually during the week and although he picks him up for school and some days drops him home it's only because he heads that way for work he certainly doesn't go out of the way and as for DD she hardly hears from him or sees him!!
I was scared of being on my own, not so much these days as I try not to future trip but I do feel lonely sometimes.
I know I have to keep NC and I am trying my best and that's why I am trying to think through in my head how any conversation would go and I know it would be exactly how I said in my post and for that reason I won't contact him. Why should he think that I'm sitting here waiting for him to figure things out that I'm here for him why should he have that security and think brilliant I can do what I want and she will be there waiting. I am more sure than ever that even if he got sober I don't think I go back there, there has been too much hurt, lies, manipulation and any trust has been completely destroyed yet I'm still conflicted??
Feeling very confused ��
I know his only priority is himself and I think that is one of the things that hurts the most, he's walked away and doesn't care about what he's left behind or he's so ashamed of what he has done that he can't face me but I think it's because he couldn't care less he's getting to do what he wants and drink!! DS is maybe at his place once a week usually during the week and although he picks him up for school and some days drops him home it's only because he heads that way for work he certainly doesn't go out of the way and as for DD she hardly hears from him or sees him!!
I was scared of being on my own, not so much these days as I try not to future trip but I do feel lonely sometimes.
I know I have to keep NC and I am trying my best and that's why I am trying to think through in my head how any conversation would go and I know it would be exactly how I said in my post and for that reason I won't contact him. Why should he think that I'm sitting here waiting for him to figure things out that I'm here for him why should he have that security and think brilliant I can do what I want and she will be there waiting. I am more sure than ever that even if he got sober I don't think I go back there, there has been too much hurt, lies, manipulation and any trust has been completely destroyed yet I'm still conflicted??
Feeling very confused ��
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
We feel because we're not using some substance to escape our feelings.
Today was a little rough for me too. I flew to a conference until Sunday. Going somewhere without him is a trigger for me. We were inseparable for 14 years.
He knows I am traveling. Doesn't ask if I made it okay. Matter of fact, never asks me how I am at all! Doesn't even bother to answer any of my e-mails unless it is something to do with paying a bill or our money situation.
Today was a little rough for me too. I flew to a conference until Sunday. Going somewhere without him is a trigger for me. We were inseparable for 14 years.
He knows I am traveling. Doesn't ask if I made it okay. Matter of fact, never asks me how I am at all! Doesn't even bother to answer any of my e-mails unless it is something to do with paying a bill or our money situation.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 224
Butterfly,
The emotions do take a toll, don't they? You know what the right thing to do is...you tell yourself that you understand there is pain involved with growth...but when it hits, man! I am also cycling through emotions that are wearing me out. I go from deep, dark depressions that leave me shaking with anxiety, to calm resignation...over and over.
I don't even know what I would say at this point if I reached out. I remember about six weeks ago, I felt so bad for my ex A. He was hiding in his house. I actually posted about it here. I was so proud of myself for taking the high road and trying to show him some sympathy.
I felt pity for him. He was so ashamed and full of self hate that he literally stayed in his house behind closed curtains all day for about a week and half straight. Was that my problem? Absolutely not. But I felt...oh, I felt. So, I reached out to him. I knocked on his door and he peeked out with hesitation...I offered him my guitar, which he loves and he came outside. We talked and I told him that I thought that inside he was a wonderful person who should learn to love himself. He shed a few tears...
At that point, I was full of my own power and love for myself and I thought I could share it with him...fast forward six weeks and now I have come to a new low and I am having to pull myself out of an even darker and sadder hole. What if I had just left him alone then? I was so very gentle and comforting to him...him! The one who had hurt me so. And now, as I am struggling, does he reach out to comfort me? Heck no!
He flaunts his power- that which I gave him. The moral, that nagging voice that told me to reach out and tell him I love him...that was the little voice that I can't trust. It doesn't really mean me any harm, but as Abraham Lincoln once said, listen to the better nature of your angels. This is hurting me so much. But I am grateful that there is no more pain to process with further engagement. I actually walked by him today, he was on his porch, and my car is parked three feet from his body. My head is level with him as he was leaning back in his chair, smoking a cigarette and waiting for his new lady. I didn't even look in his direction. He was nothing more than the air around me...the air that was sucked out of my day and heart in that moment, but he surely didn't see it. Chin up, big hugs...we will get through this together.
The emotions do take a toll, don't they? You know what the right thing to do is...you tell yourself that you understand there is pain involved with growth...but when it hits, man! I am also cycling through emotions that are wearing me out. I go from deep, dark depressions that leave me shaking with anxiety, to calm resignation...over and over.
I don't even know what I would say at this point if I reached out. I remember about six weeks ago, I felt so bad for my ex A. He was hiding in his house. I actually posted about it here. I was so proud of myself for taking the high road and trying to show him some sympathy.
I felt pity for him. He was so ashamed and full of self hate that he literally stayed in his house behind closed curtains all day for about a week and half straight. Was that my problem? Absolutely not. But I felt...oh, I felt. So, I reached out to him. I knocked on his door and he peeked out with hesitation...I offered him my guitar, which he loves and he came outside. We talked and I told him that I thought that inside he was a wonderful person who should learn to love himself. He shed a few tears...
At that point, I was full of my own power and love for myself and I thought I could share it with him...fast forward six weeks and now I have come to a new low and I am having to pull myself out of an even darker and sadder hole. What if I had just left him alone then? I was so very gentle and comforting to him...him! The one who had hurt me so. And now, as I am struggling, does he reach out to comfort me? Heck no!
He flaunts his power- that which I gave him. The moral, that nagging voice that told me to reach out and tell him I love him...that was the little voice that I can't trust. It doesn't really mean me any harm, but as Abraham Lincoln once said, listen to the better nature of your angels. This is hurting me so much. But I am grateful that there is no more pain to process with further engagement. I actually walked by him today, he was on his porch, and my car is parked three feet from his body. My head is level with him as he was leaning back in his chair, smoking a cigarette and waiting for his new lady. I didn't even look in his direction. He was nothing more than the air around me...the air that was sucked out of my day and heart in that moment, but he surely didn't see it. Chin up, big hugs...we will get through this together.
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
I have read that they push people away who care because of the shame they feel for disappointing us, not sure if that's true or he just doesn't care and is happy being on his own drinking when he wants and no responsibilities. For me the fact that he doesn't ask how I am or want to talk about what has happened shows he doesn't care and only thinks of himself!!
I don't know if he's drinking or how often, the last I spoke to him he was just back from his holiday and he was drunk everyday before that he was forcing himself not to drink during the week but making up for it at the weekend!! For me it's better not knowing what he is doing and not seeing him, I don't even leave my son to the front door in the mornings anymore as he's outside and seeing him and thinking he doesn't have a care in the world upsets me, it's bad enough knowing he's outside my house.
I have reached the point where I feel I will not reassure him anymore that I love him and I am here for him, I tried that and he still didn't want to know, and your right doesn't ask how I am or the kids, he needs to realise I'm not there for him and he's now on his own with his friends that he thinks care about him. One day he will realise they don't and he is on his own and the people who care about him have moved on.
We reach out when they are in pain because we are kind loving people, we struggle to see people in pain and we want to help, maybe that is codie or maybe it's just being kind and caring people.
Today iam going shopping with a friend and tomorrow I'm getting my hair done as my hairdresser is having an offer, and my nails, done I can't afford it but I spend so little on myself I think I deserve a treat and a pampering day sounds lovely and relaxing.
What are you doing for yourselves this weekend?
I don't know if he's drinking or how often, the last I spoke to him he was just back from his holiday and he was drunk everyday before that he was forcing himself not to drink during the week but making up for it at the weekend!! For me it's better not knowing what he is doing and not seeing him, I don't even leave my son to the front door in the mornings anymore as he's outside and seeing him and thinking he doesn't have a care in the world upsets me, it's bad enough knowing he's outside my house.
I have reached the point where I feel I will not reassure him anymore that I love him and I am here for him, I tried that and he still didn't want to know, and your right doesn't ask how I am or the kids, he needs to realise I'm not there for him and he's now on his own with his friends that he thinks care about him. One day he will realise they don't and he is on his own and the people who care about him have moved on.
We reach out when they are in pain because we are kind loving people, we struggle to see people in pain and we want to help, maybe that is codie or maybe it's just being kind and caring people.
Today iam going shopping with a friend and tomorrow I'm getting my hair done as my hairdresser is having an offer, and my nails, done I can't afford it but I spend so little on myself I think I deserve a treat and a pampering day sounds lovely and relaxing.
What are you doing for yourselves this weekend?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
"We reach out when they are in pain because we are kind loving people, we struggle to see people in pain and we want to help."
"4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. I Corinthians 13: 4-7)"
I think there is a way, which I am still finding, to hold them in our love without getting sucked back into their illness.
We also should not allow them to change the fact we are loving, caring people. That is a beautiful thing.
"4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. I Corinthians 13: 4-7)"
I think there is a way, which I am still finding, to hold them in our love without getting sucked back into their illness.
We also should not allow them to change the fact we are loving, caring people. That is a beautiful thing.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 224
Eauchiche,
These are very good reflections. My friend calls it loving from a distance...and that is what we are learning as we work on recovery- distance. I cannot seek to find confirmation from him that I am a loving human being. I cannot engage with him in any way to show him my love. But even now, after all the pain and as I move on, there is a part of me that loves him unconditionally in this way- beyond the push to anger, beyond the record of wrongdoings, compartmentalized is that separation of the addict from the person and in that place is that love.
Like you, I am still finding my way, but I know that it can only exist if it remains within me and is not shared, but instead, it has to represent that hope for his recovery and the trust that my own focus must be on my healthiness. Love through letting go. Thanks for posting this!
These are very good reflections. My friend calls it loving from a distance...and that is what we are learning as we work on recovery- distance. I cannot seek to find confirmation from him that I am a loving human being. I cannot engage with him in any way to show him my love. But even now, after all the pain and as I move on, there is a part of me that loves him unconditionally in this way- beyond the push to anger, beyond the record of wrongdoings, compartmentalized is that separation of the addict from the person and in that place is that love.
Like you, I am still finding my way, but I know that it can only exist if it remains within me and is not shared, but instead, it has to represent that hope for his recovery and the trust that my own focus must be on my healthiness. Love through letting go. Thanks for posting this!
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