Are my eyes decieving me?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 85
Are my eyes decieving me?
In the last few weeks my qualifier "R?"XAH has been calm, stopped harassing me.... still gets his digs in -but overall nothing big. Children are starting to depend on his visits. He still lies about little things but I don't get sucked in and just ignore.
I am left wondering - this is the person that I thought I had married - and it only took jail, courts and lawyers to get our situation to a point that is as close to normal as I have EVER experienced in the last 5 years.....how long will this last? once the spot light is off of us? Could he be in recovery or do I need to remember the past of holding it together for a few months. True, I don't know what is going on any more since we no longer live together. I won't waste my time trying to guess....
I just like the calm and I like my kids having this experience.
Sad that I want to ask myself...how long will it last?
vs. good for him...showing up for the kids for the first time!
I am left wondering - this is the person that I thought I had married - and it only took jail, courts and lawyers to get our situation to a point that is as close to normal as I have EVER experienced in the last 5 years.....how long will this last? once the spot light is off of us? Could he be in recovery or do I need to remember the past of holding it together for a few months. True, I don't know what is going on any more since we no longer live together. I won't waste my time trying to guess....
I just like the calm and I like my kids having this experience.
Sad that I want to ask myself...how long will it last?
vs. good for him...showing up for the kids for the first time!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 85
Does anyone have an experience that such pressures from dui and courts helped turn someone around to stay sober?
Does anyone have an experience to share that they had a period of calm...what was the duration before it went back to the old ways..
There is part of me that thinks we were just bad for each other and now separate we are so much better!
Does anyone have an experience to share that they had a period of calm...what was the duration before it went back to the old ways..
There is part of me that thinks we were just bad for each other and now separate we are so much better!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
This might be more to do with your recovery than anything on his side. Now that you are getting healthier, no longer engaging with his stuff, you see less of it.
That's how it is with my ex. He almost never contacts me with his drunken ranting anymore because I refuse to get sucked into his craziness. He is nowhere near any type of recovery, he just doesn't get the reaction he wants from me, so he doesn't bother pushing my buttons.
That's how it is with my ex. He almost never contacts me with his drunken ranting anymore because I refuse to get sucked into his craziness. He is nowhere near any type of recovery, he just doesn't get the reaction he wants from me, so he doesn't bother pushing my buttons.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
merrygoround.....he still gets in his digs and he still lies. You describe both a "little", but a dig is still a dig and a lie is still a lie. These are major defenses with which an alcoholic defends their disease---it is the thinking that goes along with the disease.
I AA circles I believe that they call this "stinkin thinkin". As you now know--putting down the bottle is only the first step toward authentic recovery. The person has to change the thinking..which leads to changing attitude....which leads to changed actions. It truly is an "inside" job. It generally takes quite a bit of time to arrive at this point...one to 2years is a ballpark estimation that I hear from recovering alcoholics.
It is great that he is being more involved with his kids. He can do that---be a good dad regardless of where he is living.
It is my observation and experience that early recovery goes more smoothly and with less drama for all concerned when there is significant time and space allowed.
dandylion
I AA circles I believe that they call this "stinkin thinkin". As you now know--putting down the bottle is only the first step toward authentic recovery. The person has to change the thinking..which leads to changing attitude....which leads to changed actions. It truly is an "inside" job. It generally takes quite a bit of time to arrive at this point...one to 2years is a ballpark estimation that I hear from recovering alcoholics.
It is great that he is being more involved with his kids. He can do that---be a good dad regardless of where he is living.
It is my observation and experience that early recovery goes more smoothly and with less drama for all concerned when there is significant time and space allowed.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Does anyone have an experience that such pressures from dui and courts helped turn someone around to stay sober?
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I am experiencing a lot of the same. HOWEVER, I am fully aware that my XAH is still drinking, he is just controlling it enough not to be doing so around our kids. That is fine for me, I don't care what he does on his own time. However, I am also aware the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.
Proceed with EXTREME CAUTION
XXX
Proceed with EXTREME CAUTION
XXX
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 85
I told a good friend this place where I am at...they replied
Can you just listen for a second to yourself? I have never had a A husband but him being civil and decent is a minimum for most people...and you are going on like he is finally man of the year...for your kids. No you can't trust him yet w the kids...at your standards definitely a full year at this min. Is required. Sheesh we need to work on your level of what is acceptable and what is man of the year!
Can you just listen for a second to yourself? I have never had a A husband but him being civil and decent is a minimum for most people...and you are going on like he is finally man of the year...for your kids. No you can't trust him yet w the kids...at your standards definitely a full year at this min. Is required. Sheesh we need to work on your level of what is acceptable and what is man of the year!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 3,574
Hi all I went thro a divorce that took 5 years and a toll on me and our children and the house burned down..(no Kidding) now 35 years later my Oldest son Ivan put it into prospective one day.. Mom Thank you for not allowning that nut to destory us.. for my Children would not be the adults they are today.. and their Dad.. the last time he saw me had no idea who I was ... with his new wife of 5 years.. Claudette gooly babe lets see 4 children that is alot of sex married for 11 years and a divorce that took 5 more years and he can't remember me.. you have such a life to look forward too.. I got such a look from her hahhahaha and then the light bulb over his head went off OH OH OH he said. our Daughter Melanie was at the fair with me.. as we walked away arm and arm.. Mom that is such a shame.. what hey chicken or fried apples or both.. and we had such a good time ... it was hell and I love my kids so much.. wonder if sometimes just sometimes we knew back then what the problems were could we have changed something for the better.. but then would Melly be in London England Would Moose have become Sgt Moose in the Army and would Ivan still be with us... and I know in my heart I would walk the very same path all over again and again just too hear their voices shout out Hey Mom whats for Dinner.. and Moose do prayers and Ivan and Melly sit still and honor their brother of his Faith.. family we gott have them for that is what life is all about.. sorry I ramble.. love to all and hang in there. and no don't trust him for a minute for pop it goes back to hell so very fast .. ardy...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 524
I kind of have that experience. My "r" almost ex was soooo ugly when his switch turned but he was alway sorry - and I don't mean flowers and candy sorry, I mean heartfelt articulated words of what he felt inside sorry. Depth sorry.
I decided to leave in June and although I knew he wasn’t going to be pleased I am ashamed to say I was shocked to see how ugly he could really be.
I got a restraining order in August and I couldn’t believe I had to do that too. There he sat in court, all humble looking and puppy dog like, didn’t fight the order, almost admitted he had earned it. I THOUGHT that would stop him. I thought that would be his "bottom" with his abuse. It really wasn't. It just shut him up for a little.
There were a few calm periods, periods meaning a few days maybe almost a week, even before the restraining order and I THOUGHT he had finally gotten normal or whatever. He’s sober but he’s not in recovery. Not at all. I'm not sure if yours is, I don't know your back story, but mine so far has managed to come through and say something ugly to me.
The only reason I believe he hasn't gone full throttle with me currently is because he will go to jail. It has nothing to do with treating me with respect.
I would find myself giving an inch only for him to remind me that he may as well still be drinking by his behavior. It started sutble and small and sure enough it’s a little over a month later and he still finds ways to be abusive.
He is still treating you like crap he is just starting small and really trying to bite his tongue.
Your post also reminding me of one of my posts a year ago. I remember posting here when he got out of rehab and I described a family outing and how I had to ask him 3 times what he said (I was standing with the kids at the table and he was at the counter ordering pizza) and I was proud to say that he didn't snap at me since I had to say "what" three times.
I reported a few other things and someone else here replied something like "so you are proud of him for acting like a normal person?" something to that effect and it did make me think of what my expectations were. They were very low. But I was so deep in it I couldn't tell.
So in my case, no I don't think the courts etc did anything. It has slowed him down because he will go to jail, but only recovery will change his behavior and even though he has not had a drink in over a year, he is not in recovery so I suppose he will just white knuckle it until he either starts drinking again or works a hard program.
I decided to leave in June and although I knew he wasn’t going to be pleased I am ashamed to say I was shocked to see how ugly he could really be.
I got a restraining order in August and I couldn’t believe I had to do that too. There he sat in court, all humble looking and puppy dog like, didn’t fight the order, almost admitted he had earned it. I THOUGHT that would stop him. I thought that would be his "bottom" with his abuse. It really wasn't. It just shut him up for a little.
There were a few calm periods, periods meaning a few days maybe almost a week, even before the restraining order and I THOUGHT he had finally gotten normal or whatever. He’s sober but he’s not in recovery. Not at all. I'm not sure if yours is, I don't know your back story, but mine so far has managed to come through and say something ugly to me.
The only reason I believe he hasn't gone full throttle with me currently is because he will go to jail. It has nothing to do with treating me with respect.
I would find myself giving an inch only for him to remind me that he may as well still be drinking by his behavior. It started sutble and small and sure enough it’s a little over a month later and he still finds ways to be abusive.
He is still treating you like crap he is just starting small and really trying to bite his tongue.
Your post also reminding me of one of my posts a year ago. I remember posting here when he got out of rehab and I described a family outing and how I had to ask him 3 times what he said (I was standing with the kids at the table and he was at the counter ordering pizza) and I was proud to say that he didn't snap at me since I had to say "what" three times.
I reported a few other things and someone else here replied something like "so you are proud of him for acting like a normal person?" something to that effect and it did make me think of what my expectations were. They were very low. But I was so deep in it I couldn't tell.
So in my case, no I don't think the courts etc did anything. It has slowed him down because he will go to jail, but only recovery will change his behavior and even though he has not had a drink in over a year, he is not in recovery so I suppose he will just white knuckle it until he either starts drinking again or works a hard program.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 3,574
Hi Meggem wow have we all been thro that.. only mine went nuts in court as well as our home... He went thro 5 lawyers yep.. had to sit in office with them one at a time and go thro the whole life of 12 years and why I started divorce.. every single time... in the beginnning #2 said see this councilor ahahahah he is to help you thro this.. Dean attacked him in the tiny office and the man hide under the desk.. I had abig chair between us.. and h thro another chair at me.. police came in and he had me take in cuffs.. I just stood there.. please remove me and the problem will be better.. got to jail lady officer looked at me and said councilor and hubby yep.. they put me in a room with a soft bed..and brought me some coffee.. I was there for 3 hours my lawyer came and got me.. I cried in the basement of our house that night.. never hide anything from our kids.. they and I slept in a safe room that night in the basement.. we were smart back in 1980's.. made a plan if they did not hear from me in the afternoon with a pass word.. they were not to go home.. band together and we had a place in the woods... yep taught my kids to live in a small cave we built with food fuel and blankets.. and ivans insulin.. could be there for up to a week.. they had to do that once... High School found Dean had broken into the house and blood was everywhere... they saw the dog running between the field woods and house.. followed Barron to the kids and scoooped them up to a safe house for me.. and then 8 of these kids went to my house and cleaned and held the fort untill I came home... fun ladies and gents fun... Barron was a friends Service Dog from Viet Nam.. he loved me and my kids so much this big White German Sherphad believe he would have given his life to protect us.. when the house burned we were visiting a friend to go to a Christmas parade the next day Barron was in the house never made it our.. miss him very much.. he is buried in our old back yard... yep... sorry one of those days... enough time to go into a differnt vien... prayers to all ardy...
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Northeastern US
Posts: 122
Can I just say, I was having a convo with a younger lady they other day, and she was sort of aghast that her friends were ooohing and aaaahing over boys who were nice. She was like, "Dude. Being kind to you is the BARE MINIMUM. Why are you making such a big deal about guys who are acting like THEY SHOULD act. They are supposed to be nice and treat you well. That's just the beginning. They need to be so much MORE than just freaking nice."
But sometimes after being in an abusive relationship, it's easy to see the "not being completely awful to me" as something significant and overlook all the other blatant red flags that this dude is a disaster.
But sometimes after being in an abusive relationship, it's easy to see the "not being completely awful to me" as something significant and overlook all the other blatant red flags that this dude is a disaster.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
