Why cant I stop......!!!!!!
 

Okay, so after two weeks of getting bombarded with xabf texting and calling me I gave in Monday night, first with a text back and then when he begged again if we could talk I said yes.

He got me right where it hurts, in my co-dependent, mothering, I can help kind of way.

Yesterday was the 2 year anniversary of the death of his gf before me. (You know the one I have written about that mysteriously died on his property.) He said he just needed to talk to me, that he was having a hard time.

The conversations were still pretty much the same, he talked about his relationship with her, his guilt over not just saying he loved her even if he didn't mean it.. then it went to his x wife and all other failed relationships.. and ended up with how special I am to him and he doesn't want to give up on what we had or could have.

Through the whole conversation he's drinking... I even asked him one time, "what are you doing, sounds like your eating?" and he said "If you have to know, I opened a beer. he said he "wants to love me".. what does that mean? Then he said, "I don't want to hurt you".

I said that's why I broke up with you so you don't hurt me.. he said "arnt I still your boyfriend?" I said no, I actually have to see the person I'm dating...We haven't seen each other in 3 months.

Anyways now I'm obsessing again. I cant have a relationship with him, I don't want a relationship with him and yet somehow, I'm still excepting the crumbs he dishes out.... On the other hand I'm only giving crumbs also. I don't reach out to him, I ignore most of his texts and phone calls, yet he knows I will eventually answer.. so who's using who....? I hate myself right now.... I actually blocked his number for a week... then I unblocked it because I had to just see if he was still trying to get in contact with me... The longest of NC now has been 6 weeks.

also he dropped hints he's seeing other woman, sent me a selfie of himself with out a shirt on with a new beard and said he took it because an "old girl friend" wanted to see the beard. but he's not dating her again.. he can only think of me...

I searched FB to see if I could find any pictures of the girl that died and I found her on it. the last update on it was from her x-husband saying she's in heaven now.... She was drop dead gorgeous!!! I mean model material. the pictures were taken two years before her death and just don't jive with the image he painted of her. I am totally obsessing over this again... help....

yes. you're obsessing.

STOP. For your own sanity, you cannot talk to him ever again. Period. This is your decision, not his.

He's a piece of work, that one. Are you still going to therapy? Are you being honest with your therapist?

Everything that comes out of this man's mouth is manipulative garbage. Period. He has probably done this in every significant relationship of his life. I bet if you talked to any of his exes (the living ones) they have all heard the same script from him. He is never going to change.
You can change your behavior. You can make a choice not to continue contact with him, to block his texts and calls. Only you can do that.

doyoureallycare2......LOL!...I have to think that your forum "name" has a l ot of symbolic meaning for you...?

We humans have a great deal of difficulty accepting the broken bonds that happen when any relationship that we have invested ourselves into are broken. Ironically, "bad" relationships can hurt as much as the loss of a good one.....!
Actually, we can even miss our enemies when they are gone....LOL! We miss what we have grown used to and what we are familiar with.

You do seem to be clear that this relationship is not good for you. This tells me that you will get through this.

Remember that it is short-term pain for the long-term gain!!

dandylion

You CAN stop, you just haven't yet.

Getting rid of that garbage negative self-talk ("I hate myself right now") will go a long way towards building such a strong relationship with yourSELF that you will no longer feel compelled to go chasing the crumbs of this dangerous, manipulative and abusive man. If you heard your best friend talking to him or herself that way you'd tell them to quit it, wouldn't you? Heck, if you heard a TOTAL STRANGER talking to him or herself that way you'd tell them to quit it!

Isn't it about time you started treating yourself with kindness rather than contempt?

The more contact you have, the more you are hurting yourself. You need to remember what you have been through and remember you don't want that in your life.

You can do this.

Ha....Okay.. I can do this again... backbone is back up (maybe) lol....:(

thank you for the support and telling me like it is... ugh... just needed that reinforcement to knock this crap off... and yes, I'm still seeing the Therapist and yes being honest to a fault...

he says that Its the same thing for me... I want to be healed without putting in the work for being healed. I want a better me with out putting in the work for me.. I expect it all to be easy and instantaneous.. And I'm angry that its not... I go to these relationships to hopefully get enough gratification and involvement with others that need my help so I don't have to work on me...UGH...

The 6 weeks of no contact were great.. but hard... and just when I'm calm and life seems to be at an even keel.. I sabotage myself.. I was bored, I needed validation...

I've said this to you before, but it bears repeating.

Volunteer.

You have the heart of a volunteer. You want to be a helper to others in need. It is a good tool for you to learn to help, then let go. So many places need you. Find a place near you and give it a try.

I'm going thru similar bull. And it is BULL. Your xbf sounds dangerous. I say stay away.

Block him and leave him blocked. You've done it before so you can do it again.

It sounds to me he is being critical of you and your own recovery, which is not on his side of the street. Life was calm and at an even keel w/out speaking to him. I am sure you see the trend here.

He is full of it. Move forward and stay the course.

I do see it... and even if it was boring I also had stopped stressing and thinking I was going crazy... I don't want that back.. so last night after I received several text messages, I blocked his number again.. I still think I'm being cruel doing that but I need to take control back for my peace.

I have to look at the same old question of why I believe I'm qualified or "ABLE" to help those I care about with their addictions....

Good for you. Stay strong in your commitment to yourself.

Good!!!