scarlet71

This has probably been covered many times already but, has anyone in a relationship with a recovering alcoholic/addict had issues with their sex life diminishing after the recovery began? My partner and I had a good sex life in the beginning of our relationship. We had sex frequently, it was fun, exciting, loving. Once he started the fourth step, everything changed, that was almost two years ago. When he first stopped having sex with me, he blamed everything, his age (he's 46), he was tired, etc, etc. He swore up and down, it was not me. Now, we rarely have sex at all. It seems like he has no interest in it. Luckily, I have a healthy self-esteem and am not letting it affect me personally.What I miss is the connection, intimacy, making love.
Has anyone else experienced this and how do you deal with it? I know sex is not the end all, be all of the relationship but it is very important to me and I think, a healthy part of a relationship.

FireSprite

It hasn't been quite as dramatic of a change for us, but it's definitely toned down a bit from what it used to be. I've noticed it more than him, but then again I notice more changes than he does in every area because I've been seeing it all with sober eyes for longer.

I think there are many factors affecting this change - he's still not healthy even though he's sober between his back issues & his poor diet/exercise. Without the alcohol he's feeling the pain a lot more than he used to. Age - even though he's not ready for retirement yet, he's had to accept that he's NOT as young as he wants to believe. He REALLY is in his 40's now, lol. I think without the alcohol his inhibitions are higher too, but I'm not sure he even realizes that about himself... just like he doesn't see himself as the traditional/conservative person he's turning into. (maybe always been, underneath the drink?) And he's busier than before - he spends more time working (or looking for work & doing a lot of random, odd jobs before he found his current FT job), going to meetings, doing his counseling, etc. vs. when he was actively drinking.

We still have a great sex life but I've got much more energy & stamina & am a lot more open-minded than he is so he has seemed genuinely surprised when I've made comments about that part of our life being different than before.

CodeJob

Yep. 17 mo sober no physical intimacy.

I crab here though I don't think too recently.

We recently started counseling together but so far nothing has motivated him to go to MD or start working through his mental issues that might be linked to it. I have set a review time in May. That would be 2 years sober (recovery). Until then I try not to irk or push him.

CodeJob

My sponsor recommended massages to offset lack of touch. It has helped me and is worth the money IMO as rah does not touch me really ever. She also offered to go to a sex store with me to get me set up with some good toys, but I told her I could handle that solo!

suncatcher

I have heard about recovering alcholics having intimacy problems but not as much about before the recovery phase. My A (xabf) seemed to have issues with intimacy mostly because he would pass out early in the evening from drinking all day. I used to take it personal because he never seemed to have intimacy on his mind. I thought something was wrong with me. I think he just had beer on the brain. In the beginning, that part of our relationship was pretty good, then he started insulting me when he was drunk and then it diminished pretty rapidly after that. I still have a bit of a complex and haven't dated anyone in over a year. Not in any hurry either.

schnappi99

We have intimacy issues long predating RAW's drinking and recovery, in a broad view they are essentially unchanged, in our case she does not desire it. I have to be very careful to not trigger myself on this issue- pity party, resentment etc and try to hold on to acceptance. I do need to give her credit, she experiments with adult material (mostly reading) as a joint exercise but AFAICT she's not into it. Recovery from obsession with sex has formed a significant part of my recovery, being shy as a teen I had plenty of time to develop one which I think has affected the reality of it since to varying degrees at varying times.

But I still don't understand how people just lose interest in physical intimacy up to and including sex. I guess this is one of the situations where some choose to have separate bedrooms.