Butterfly

I've been doing a lot of work with my counsellor about why I stayed for so long and put up with his drinking and I am learning a lot about myself and feel stronger than I was when we first split. The problem is I don't know what to do with the new knowledge and understanding. I've been trying to tell myself that I never want to see him again but the reality is that I want him to chose sobriety and come home!!

I am trying so hard to focus on myself and not him but there are times when I feel so upset and I just start to cry. I still think about him everyday and most of the day. I'm emotionally exhausted

SparkleKitty

Butterfly: It does help. It just hasn't yet. It took a long time to build your thought patterns. It is going to take time to rebuild them.

There is nothing wrong with being upset and crying, but telling yourself over and over that you are somehow "less-than" because you do doesn't serve you.

maia1234

Butterfly- You have been doing a lot of work on yourself and absolutely you want him to get sober and everything to be as it was. But what WE want really doesn't matter to the A.

I know that you think about him everyday but you have to understand that you are strong enough not to call and ask him to come back, today. You are actually strong enough to take one day at a time and keep going. Just think, not to long ago you couldn't do that. I know this is not what you want and I don't want what I am doing either.(divorce).

But we all know that we could no longer live the way we were living. It was KILLING us inside. I am going to be homeless in 24 days and I am freaking out. I don't want this, but I keep putting my faith in my higher power, because I cant deal with it anymore. I want the perfect home of no drinking or drugs. My husband to love me and treat me like a princess. Never has happened and never will. It sucks but I keep in my mind that maybe one day my stbxah will hit rock bottom, will come to me and i can guide him to AA. Those are my current dreams. Just because I am getting a divorce now, doesn't mean my love for him will end, i am just distancing myself from him, for right now. Thats how i get by, today. (codependent) But that is who I am, and i cant change me.

Anyway, you know what you are doing is right, follow the course that your HP has set out for you. Admit you are powerless and someone needs to guide you, as they know best. I won't tell you that i am praying for you because I get so tired of my sponsor saying that to me that it makes the hair on the back of my neck crawl.

He has a plan for us, just give it over to him and see what happens. Obviously we haven't done the best running our lives so far,so let someone take charge,(for only right now though) haha..

Be proud of the fact you haven't called and said something that you regretted!!
((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))) MY FRIEND!!

iamthird

Butterfly, coming from one of the most wounded people on these boards...it just takes time. I promise you. Please go back and read my posts.

I used to feel the way you are feeling. I seriously could not think of anything else other than him, our relationship, his words, the new enabling gf he cheated on me with, how he could abandon me, etc. Today I am stronger than ever.

I could not say that if I have not done the work. It takes a long time to realize we are just as broken as they are to stay and endure. If we are healthy, we do not put up with their behavior. I had to look at myself and it was so painful. Essentially, probably the same reason why the A's do not do the work either....

Please be patient with yourself. Someone said on here recovery is not linear. You will have bad and good days. It is a roller coaster. But please keep doing all the right things to help you feel better daily, use your resources! You can do it. There is no quick resolve. Just like the A wanting that drink, that only puts a bandaid on a broken leg.

I say this from the bottom of my heart because I can see your pain and hoplessness and I do not want you to give up. I will pray for you....

Take care!!

Butterfly

Thank you everyone. I am trying to not beat myself up if I'm feeling low and accept its a bad day, moment etc and trying to learn to practice patience with myself, not easy as I am sure you all know.

Recovery is hard and yes painful and I have had a lot of realisations about myself through counselling, but it's early days I suppose and maybe I am expecting too much to soon, another example of having to learn patience for myself!!

I am proud of the fact that I haven't contacted him since my phone call during the week, which I seriously regret and allowed my impulsive behaviour to control me, I was hurt and upset but I shouldn't have rang him. But miaia you are right not that long ago I couldn't go a day or so without contacting him and when I did contact him just once I would continue to contact him for the next few days this time I didnt I got off the roller coaster as quick as I got onto it.

I do love him but I have to work on myself and I also hope and pray one day he will hit his rock bottom and seek help. I have handed him over to my HP and hope he will steer him in the right direction. As for me yes I have given myself completely to my HP I made such a mess of my life and honestly my heads in a spin with everything

I am sorry Maia for what you are going through, losing your home is a very scary place to be in. Do you have somewhere to go??

Dojang

Butterfly,
I feel your pain & I know where you're coming from. It's only been 6 weeks for me. Last night I went out with friends. I didn't feel like going & have really been isolating myself. Getting out, even though I initially didn't want to go, was wonderful. I had a great time, was able to take my mind off of him & enjoy myself. And although I still love him (or who he used to be) I don't, for 1 second, miss the chaos & drama. Big hug

LoveMeNow

Although this triggered me a lot when I first read it, today it makes far more sense.
I hope you can find the value in it. Hang in there, it does get much, much better.


You Don't Miss Him

It doesn’t take much to miss him: a song, a movie, a TV show. Maybe it’s a friend mentioning his name, or seeing or meeting someone who shares his name. The pain is almost unbearable.

The “him” I speak of is the man you used to be in a relationship or the man who you hoped to be in a relationship with. But he’s no longer in your life in the way he used to be. You still think you genuinely feel love for him, despite the fact that he’s no longer a major part of your life for a reason: he is a jerk. He hurt you, probably repeatedly. And you know in your heart of hearts that you have no business ever having a relationship or probably even having any sort of friendship with him. But you still miss him a lot–even if he was and is bad for you.


You’re tightly holding onto the memories of this man despite the fact that you know that it’s time to move on. You miss him more than you can clearly express, you think of him all the time, and your heart aches at the thought of not having him near.

Of course, the problem with missing someone with whom you have an unhealthy relationship is that it leads to re-engagement with that person–which is the last thing you need. But you’ve probably texted him or called him, more than once. And you probably regretted it soon after you’ve done it. You can’t just help yourself, can you? Every bit of progress you’ve made in an attempt to gain a healthy distance from him goes straight back to zero.

If given any chance, you would take him back in a second; you hope that one day, he can turn around and admit, “I screwed up, you are what I need in my life.”

Which brings me to my point: this guy you miss so much, he doesn’t really exist.

Yup. That man you miss so much, the man you wish could hold you again, the man whose physical presence you crave, isn’t really real.

You may be saying, “Wait a minute! I was in a very real relationship, what do you mean he didn’t exist?”

What you’re missing is the idea of him, not who he really was and is.

You’re missing the version of a man that you constructed in your head. You created this version of him to fulfill a need. It could be a need to solve the problems of men in the past. It could be an unrealistic obsession with the “perfect guy.” It could be an obsession with unavailable men. Early on in your relationship or friendship, this guy somehow did things that you’ve always wanted a man you’re in a relationship to do and somehow said all the right things and that is what you end up being biased towards. He also seemingly managed to avoid doing things that men in your past did to hurt you emotionally or made you feel uncomfortable. And as soon as you witnessed this “good” behavior, you latched on to it. Box checked; this guy might be the one. You ignore all the bad stuff and hang on to the romantic fantasy of him feeding you nice lines.

But all these positive traits are the components you piece together to create this image of this guy, who wasn’t actually a good guy or at least not the man for you. And it’s that constructed version of him that makes you ache, that makes you hurt. It’s the version you miss so much. It’s the version that makes you wonder how you are ever going to find a guy like him again. You can’t imagine that another guy like him, with all his unique qualities, could exist.

The creation/idea you thought you were with, the guy you miss so much actually treated you horribly, made you cry, made you feel lonely. But you don’t think as much about those horrible moments when you are thinking of him, do you?

The parts of him that you do miss don’t really involve the negative. Rather, it’s about the idyllic. It’s about little moments with him that were so amazing; you can just close your eyes and go back to them and feel incredibly happy and then incredibly sad.

Whenever you should be reminding yourself that this guy hurt you, disappointed you, you do just the opposite. The man you managed to create, who doesn’t really exist, pops up. He’s smiling, he’s making you feel special, he’s the one who makes you feel invincible. “The idea” of him comes roaring back and sets you further behind in your progress to properly move on.

Nighttime is the worst, isn’t it? The anxiety runs high. Nothing can seemingly soothe the frustration, anger, sense of loss. Being alone is painful, but even being with your friends is equally tension-filled.

It’s enough to make you want to throw something against the wall, “Why can’t I just stop re-engaging, why can’t I just move on, why can’t I stop missing him? Why can’t I make this go away?”

You’re not going to stop missing “him” until you first acknowledge that he was never really there to begin with.

He was just a ghost.

From the Current Conscience
Blog by Yashar

maia1234

Thanks love me know. Maybe your right, maybe he was a ghost. I know he has caused me a lot of pain and love shouldn't hurt, says oprah. Wow!

Butterfly, I sold my house, part of the divorce. But there is nothing out there to buy this time of year. Have to rent. Rents want a lease which I don't want to do because if something comes up to buy I can't get out of the lease. It's alot cheaper to own then rent in my area. Just really In abind. I would like to rent a room from someone but I have a 12 year old dog and no one wants that. Lot of issues to deal with. But I hopefully will be ok, not sure, might have to start at a hotel. Yikes

Eauchiche

This thread is just one of a multitude of reasons why I am so thankful for this blog and everyone on it.
I decided to go to a model railroading open house after church today, an activity that should be innocent enough. However, it turned out to be a BIG trigger.
Every place I saw, I thought of my mate and how he might enjoy this. I usually maintain quite well, not missing him so profoundly. Today was an exception.
I really admire all you gals for your strength and courage!

honeypig

LoveMeNow, thank you for the post "You Don't Miss Him." It put into words what I've been feeling for some time now. I think the man I miss DID exist, for a year or two at the beginning of our relationship 20 years ago, but since then he's been gone. Even w/a year sober now (so far as I know), my A is not the same person I remember, in so many ways.

And so really, what is the difference? That man, real or not, is gone, gone, gone. What I have to deal with is what IS, right this minute, today. And that man has nothing to do w/today, in the real world. The sooner I can come to grips w/that fact, the sooner I can start my climb out of this hole and see the wide, beautiful world all around me.

Butterfly, I wish you strength and clarity going forward.

hopeful4

Butterfly, you have learned that you cannot control his actions, and that is a big one. While you WANT him to choose sobriety, inside you know that is not happening, and it hurts. It's ok to let it hurt so you can move past it. It's a slow process. Give yourself credit, you are making strides, big time!

Tight Hugs!

NYCDoglvr

You're right, knowledge doesn't ease the pain, but it's an excellent start in your recovery. Just stay the course and the misery will decrease with time. Have you tried Alanon? The support got me through the toughest part and saved my sanity. We're powerless over other people, they do what they do. But we can save ourselves as you're doing.

FeliciaM

Butterfly, I am with you in the pain. My breakup was almost 2 wks ago, I spoke to him today. Feels like I'm back at square one. He told me again in the one minute call that his is an alcoholic and there is no longer a relationship. I knew that already.

Over the weekend I went to 2 Al-anon & 2 AA meetings. They helped occupy my time and I did get to speak, and cry over my xbf. I'm reading the literature, it's very helpful and so were the meetings. I plan on going again tonight.

Somehow I feel the need to make sense of the roller-coaster ride of the relationship and my part in it. I feel your pain and admire your strength. Keep it up.

FeliciaM

Butterfly

Lovemenow thank you for your post. It took me a few times to read it the whole way through I had to keep stopping. I have thought many times about the idea that I lost the person I fell in love with a long time ago but in reality Im not sure the person I fell in love with really existed. We had a whirlwind romance, fell in love got engaged within about 2 months, he was kind, thoughtful, funny, loving, kind and gentle! The addict was there he took drugs sometimes but I didn't think it was anything serious or maybe I just ignored it. I was young and within 3 months the addictive behaviour became worse drugs and alcohol disappearing for days on end. After every time he disappeared he would come home promise the world and how it would never happen again, he would fill my head with such sweet promises and lies while holding me tight telling me he loved me while I thought it will be ok he won't hurt me, let me down like that again yet he did over and over again. I remember thinking this isn't who he is deep down and the addict wasn't really him and every time he let me down and hurt me I said the same things this isn't him I told myself this for 18 years. There were times when things seemed to settle and he gave up and again I thought see I knew the man I first met was buried deep inside but it wasn't long before the drinking started again, he gave up drugs but could never sustain abstinence from alcohol for long. He would either go somewhere else to drink or leave when that place to drink was threatened. Still I tried to convince myself he wasn't an addict.

Throughout the years I lost myself I became so wrapped up in him and fixing him wanting him to be the man I fell in love with.

I have been avoiding this topic but I don't think I can any longer

My husband is an alcoholic, always has been and deep down I knew it but didn't want to acknowledge it. I created a man in my head who I thought he was, who I wanted him to be and tried to make him into that man who only existed in my mind.

This realisation is heartbreaking the man I loved didn't exist!! Where do I go from here??

SparkleKitty

Anywhere you care to, my friend.

You are making huge realizations. They will cause huge feelings. You do not have to do anything about those feelings. Let 'em rip, and tomorrow will take care of itself.

Butterfly

Thank you sparklekitty. One day at a time eh!

Timeiskey

Butterfly,

Isn't it wonderful to know you are not alone? I have also been taking positive steps but also hanging onto that little voice in the back of my mind that whispers hopeful statements about the "perhaps"... however, the reality keeps settling in more and more. I think being honest about it all is the most important step you can take. Acknowledging that little voice and accepting it as part of the recovery process. Chin up! I am trying to lift my head as well.

FeelingGreat

Well Butterfly, for all your struggles and one-step-forward-two-back, at least you're doing the hard work. He's just drinking himself away and making no progress at all.

Florence

Someone told me to "play the tape all the way through." So you've been working on yourself and have tons of new insight. What happened every other time he came home?

For me I knew that the happy reunion was a fantasy. It still hurt though. It was escapist fantasy I really wanted because I was scared of not knowing what was next, afraid of being alone. For me I knew: We would have 1-2 nice nights. Then I would walk on eggshells again because he'd be cranky and mean, I'd go to bed alone, or we'd go to bed together and he'd sigh at me if I wanted to read in bed and didn't turn the light off when he wanted, he would snore all night, not help wake up with the baby, or resent me for it, get up and not go to work anywhere, or make excuses why he couldn't work or look for work, not help around the house, or only do what he wanted to do (kitchen), be annoyed with kids and cats, spend lots of money on steak and gourmet ingredients at the store, gas money, cigarettes, while I was at work and paying for full time daycare. He'd be shady about money, never able to produce receipts, or resentful he was accountable for how he spent my money at all. The resentments would build up over his spending and lack of motivation around work and helping the family. Eventually it would come to light that he'd relapsed (usually because he would explode at me to have an excuse to leave and drink) and I'd kick him out again and we'd start all over. This was how it worked every time.

When I played the tape through, past the initial promises and hugs, it reminded me that unless he was pursuing real recovery and had made major changes in his behavior and thinking, my fantasy would never and could never be real.

You want him to choose sobriety and come home, but he's not. Acceptance, for me, was one of the harder things to practice.

Butterfly

Thank you everyone. I have no idea whether he is drinking or not I haven't had any communication with him in a week and I haven't seen him in 3 weeks and it's better I don't know what he is doing, but I can imagine I know his holiday he drank all day everyday so unless he has come home and sought help, which I doubt, he is still drinking.

Kelly clarkson has a song titled the war is over and it kind of tells the story of our marriage, how he would paint a pretty picture it hits home to me when I listen to it.

Feeling overwhelmed today with sadness yet the sadness is becoming easier to manage little by little day by day