FeliciaM

Jay said to me "I'm going to die a lonely man, I choose the bottle over you. Don't waste your time on me." Those were his last words to me as I walked away with my belongings. Three days prior I nursed him after he split his head opened falling down drunk. The stitches run from his eyebrow to his hair line, 4 inches. He is bald so it is there for all to see. I know he is devastated by this lasting reminder of his illness.

That was 10 days ago. I've left a handful of messages. I didn't know that was the last time we'd talk. I love him and know a relationship with him NOW is not possible.

He is alone, a widower with no children. Only an estranged sister in another state, they haven't spoken in a decade.

I've been his emergency contact, his friend and girlfriend for 8 months. He is very ill, hospitalized two weeks ago with pancreatitis after binge drinking.

I've erased him from my phone so I can't call him. He needs to sit in his sh^t. In the hospital he told me he knows what he has to do. I want to respect that and give him space.

Found an Al-anon meeting to go to tonight.

Not knowing how he is killing me. I know he is hurting. I want to speak to him. He is a good man. I can't stop crying about it.

My question is: Did he mean don't waste your time on me? I love him but he must get sober for me to marry him.

Confused, what do I do?

FeliciaM

honeypig

Go to that Alanon meeting.

You are right that a relationship w/him now is not possible. And a relationship w/him in the future may not be possible, either, for any number of reasons.

But the one person you know you're going to be dealing with, no matter what, is YOU, Felicia. Get to Alanon, read and post at SR, pick up the books suggested here. You are feeling a lot of pain right now, but it's only the tip of the iceberg of what you're in for if you get/stay involved w/an active A.

I'm truly sorry for your pain. Please take care of yourself and turn him over to his HP. He is in hands far bigger than yours, and that's where he needs to be.

Wishing you strength and clarity.

MissFixit

Hi Felicia!

I am sorry you are sad. Please go to an al anon meeting. If you are in therapy, make an appointment soon. If you are not in therapy, consider making an appointment and starting that process. It was hugely helpful to me, so that I could get to the bottom of why I was in a dysfunctional relationship and why I didn't want to let go of it when intellectually I knew it wasn't good for me.

It is a shame that Jay has made the life choices that put him in his current situation. He is the ONLY one who can help himself and get himself out of his current state.

suki44883

I am so sorry you are going through this, Felicia. What you do is go to the Al-anon meeting. Keep going. Do not attempt to contact him. Keep posting here where there are many others who have gone through what you are. You are not alone, hon. (((HUGS)))

ladyscribbler

It was hard for me to accept that I cared more about my ex than he cared about himself. I had to do a lot of letting go and detaching. It is very painful when someone we love is making choices that hurt them. He does not sound ready to change. He might not ever BE ready.
You said it yourself, he knows what he has to do. You can't want it for him.
What you can do is help yourself. Work on your recovery. Alanon, Alanon, Alanon.
Hugs.

FeliciaM

Thank you all so much. I will not make excuses for taking him back. It was always me who reached out to him after a break up. Strength is what I need.

I'm just so hurt. I will get to the meeting tonight.

honeypig

Of course you're hurt. You wouldn't be human if you weren't. You've tried your best, you've cared for him and loved him.

Now it's time to start loving yourself and caring for yourself, too, however hard that may seem to do.

Please do make it to that meeting, and please do let us know how it goes for you, OK?

maia1234

Felicia,
Yes you need to get some help for yourself. Please don't blame yourself if anything happens to him. You need to give him over to his higher power as you and anyone else can not help him now. Find some alanon meetings, go to some open AA meetings. Anything you can do to detach from the man you love. You can go multiple times a day or week.

You will learn if you are open. You have come to the right place as SR has a wealth of information to help you. Please don't think that you can do anything or say anything to help him. Let him hit rock bottom and when he does point him in the direction of AA. As that is all you can do now.

Good luck and keep reading!!

lillamy

So think about this: You've been dating him for eight months.
He hasn't spoken to his family for decades.
How did he manage before he met you?

Somehow, he did. He managed to eat, and drink, and survive without you.
My ex tried to suck me back in with the "I don't have anyone else" BS. Once he realized I wasn't coming back -- what do you know, he had more friends than I did...

FeliciaM

Made it to a beginners Al-anon and stayed for the regular al-anon meeting as well. It was hard say why I was there at the first meeting, by the second meeting I was able to speak with more clarity.

SeriousKarma

I'm glad you made it to Alanon Felicia. I hope it was helpful. I know it's helped me in ways that nothing else could.

A lot of people don't feel comfortable talking for many meetings. I think it's wonderful that you were able to jump right in.

Good Luck to you as you move forward.

bookmaven

I recommend Codependents Anonymous too. Lots of help there learning to take care of ourselves, setting boundaries, even what a healthy loving relationship looks like.

SoaringSpirits

Check out the boook "Codependent No More."
You will find it helpful.

Peace to you on this journey.

biminiblue

I have a copy of "Codependent No More" if anyone wants it.

NYCDoglvr

I'm so glad you're going to Alanon, the support helped me keep my sanity. Alanon teaches us we're powerless over people, places and things. There is nothing you can do or say that will keep him from drinking. At least he has made it clear, that he chooses alcohol over you, always keep that in mind. This is a painful time, but I promise it will get better. Just stick close to Alanon, SR, and take it one day at a time. You can only pray for him, nothing more.