wherefromhere

I don't even know where to start.... This is my last resort - To find a forum and hope that someone can offer advice or support.
How can I put this in writing without going on about it all night...
My mother drinks... every single night. She works all day and goes home to drink. She admits she likes to have a drink each night, but its never 'a drink'. Its always to the point that she is squinting her eyes when she blinks, slurring and rabbling on complete junk. All which of course she has no idea.
I've been trying to talk to her about it for years now and she's always become defensive, sticks with her 'I like to have a drink' line or jokes about it. I think what adds to the situation is that her husband is the same so they support each others drinking habits. They have only ever known each other this way.
I don't live with her, but this does affect my life. When she comes to visit (1-2 nights a week) she comes to my house and drinks. Don't get me wrong, we all like to have a couple of social drinks, but her and her husband can never just have a couple. It ALWAYS ends up them slurring, legless and rabbling crap. Its embarrassing to have events with them, and all of our friends or my husbands family that have met them have majority of the time seen them drunk.
There have been so many instances where things have happened while they've been drinking.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I have cut ties with my mother before and it has done nothing. Sure we were both deeply hurt that we didn't have each other, but if anything it just caused more hurt and didn't change a thing with the drinking. She has no contact with one child due to this and another child feels the same way that I do.
I feel that I cannot do an intervention because it would only be my sibling and I, and she would just continue on with her denial and 'I like to have a drink' line. Her extended family don't live in the same town so when she sees them they think she is just drunk as a one off in celebration of seeing her family. She doesn't have many friends as they like to keep to themselves.
I just don't know what to do anymore. Surely when its at a point that if we have to have a talk to her about her drinking before every big event (weddings, parties etc.) there must be a problem.
I read that it takes someone to hit rock bottom to realise - But I've been waiting years and its not happened. I feel like its affecting everyone else more than her. She is my mother and my best friend, but when she drinks, I don't want to know that person.
Now that I have a child, my husband and I don't want my child to grow up seeing this nor to leave her in my mothers care if she drinks, even though she is always offering to babysit.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I can't answer her calls after 5pm, avoid afternoon/night functions or visits and its so very very sad that its even this way. It's so sad that in an emergency situation we don't even bother to phone her if its after 5pm. I feel that I can't talk to her because she always twists the situation around to try and make me look and feel like the bad person (not saying she is a bad person). She gets very defensive and makes it out as though I am overreacting. I know that my husband and sibling feel the same way I do and we talk about it very often, but they have no energy to do or say anything because they know it will change nothing. If anything, I feel that they are just building up their hurt and anger more and more by not saying or doing anything because I know that they are avoiding her more and more.
I don't even know what I am wanting to get out of this post. I guess its a vent and a hope that someone may have some support, advice or even tell me if I'm doing something wrong! I honestly am feeling at a complete loss... My daughter deserves to have the amazing grandmother that my mother is, but as soon as the afternoon/evening comes, its a whole different person. Thanks for reading...

Needinghelp82

Have you told her why you don't want her to babysit? Unfortunately I think it can sometimes take something quite serious to realise that we have a problem.

I don't really have any constructive advice but my husband was all too aware of my drinking becoming a problem before I was at the point where I could admit that to myself. Looking back I can't believe I put him through my behaviour but, at the time, alcohol had such a strong grip of me and I wasn't strong enough/willing to recognise that.

I really hope your mum and her husband are soon able to realise their drinking is problematic ��

wherefromhere

I guess I have not actually told her why when she has offered, but she is very aware of the issue I have with her drinking. I am 100% sure that if I did tell her, it would just cause an argument.
I honestly thought (probably more 'hoped') that when my child was born, it would be the wake up she needed. She adored my child, but the drinking has not changed :-(
She talks about how she loves her life, to the point that its as if she is trying to convince herself.
I do appreciate your reply, thank you, and I hope in time she can look back and see how this situation really is.

wherefromhere

adores*

ResignedToWait

You've come to the right place! You'll find all the support you could ever want here! Many people are still sleeping at this time of the early morning (U.S.-wise) but within a few hours I'm sure this thread will be brimming with support.

The first thing...and you're going to read this alot here...there is nothing you can do to persuade your mother (or her husband) to stop drinking. Your mom will either quit drinking because SHE wants to, or she won't quit. We (the family of an alcoholic) can beg, scream, yell, kick, cry, plead, etc until the cows come home, and the alcoholic may even agree to try, but unless your mom wants to do it for herself, she won't stop.

That being said, know that nothing you do will be able to get your mom to stop drinking...what you CAN do is work on helping yourself. Helping yourself to realize that you have no power to stop your mom's drinking, and to separate yourself from trying. Worrying about trying to stop her will tear you apart, given enough time. Trust me, just about every person on this forum comes to that realization eventually...and it's a horrible thing. The more important thing to do is take care of yourself and your immediate family. The only person that can help your mom is your mom.

This is just as I said above...you were trying to get your mom to stop drinking using detachment from her in order to...guilt?...her into quitting. This will never work. (nothing will work) If you cut ties with your mom, the reason should be because you're protecting YOURSELF from her. It's often one of the only things we can do to keep the insanity from the alcoholic's life from bleeding into ours.

I would suggest you set some boundaries with this. It is YOUR home, YOUR space...it is a place where YOU are able to control. Let your mother know that while she is in your home, she is not allowed to drink. Not one drink, not two...but zero. You need to stand by this boundary, because I guarantee your mother will test it...and when she does, you need to be firm and have your mother leave. Think about it...would you let someone over if they had no respect for the rules of your home? Of course not...this is no different.

Sadly...eventually your mom will be alone with her husband, and her drinks. Perhaps she will want to stop by then and save herself, but maybe not. In either case, you need to know that her isolation and withdrawal from the family has NOTHING to do with you, or your choices to eventually detach from the madness. It's not your fault, it's not your siblings' fault....and there is nothing you or your family could have done that would change how everything (might) turn out.

An intervention can help YOU to know you tried your best...perhaps as a last resort before detachment. But yes, you're right in that an intervention will almost certainly have no affect on your mom.

Sometimes, an alcoholic's rock-bottom is never found, and it ends in their death before they reach that bottom. That's a possibility.

Knowing what you know about your mother...you must NEVER leave your child in her primary care. Never. It only takes one accident, and your mother is not capable of the responsibility to ensure your child's safety. Even if she is sober at that particular time, you cannot guarantee that ten minutes after you leave, your mother won't get pass-out drunk leaving your child in extreme danger.

This is a very, very common tactic that alcoholics use universally. Projection, manipulation....everything is always your fault, they take no responsibility for anything bad.

Your daughter does deserve that...but (some might disagree with me here, but not many) having an absent grandmother is leap years better that being intimately involved with an active-alcoholic grandmother.


Glad you found your way here! Please check out some of the many other stories here...you will find oodles of things to read that will seem to mirror exactly what your going through right now. You are most definitely not alone.

ResignedToWait

How poignant! My alcoholic wife's current boyfriend that she lives with is a "tattoo artist"...and the last time I saw her in court, she had gotten a hideous, gaudy tattoo on her fingers, gangsta style that spells out "LOVE LIFE" when she puts her fists together.

I had heard the rumors that she did that...but when I actually saw she'd done it...just wow.

P.S. Don't suggest the above to your mother.

FeelingGreat

hi wherefromhere, as the others have said, there's very little chance you'll be able to influence your mother to stop drinking. Apart from being an ex-alchi myself, I have family members who drink too much and if you said something it would either be ignored or cause a fight. So put that idea out of your mind, and also relax from thinking there's something you can do to make her stop. It's not your job.

What you must do however, is look after your family and yourself. You're quite right that it's a bad look for children and unpleasant for adults. Not to mention horribly boring.

You have every right to speak to your mother and explain that although you love her, you can't have her around when she's drinking. You can be quite factual about how she acts, and tell her that, although she might enjoy drinking, it's not much fun for sober people around her. You're not telling her to stop, just not drink in your home or visit when she's under the weather.

If she gets upset and defensive you don't have to react, keep it calm and factual, and about her behaviour. She may not like it, but she can't argue with the facts.

Possibly the only 'rock bottom' she may reach is if you and your siblings refuse to tolerate her drinking around you. Different if she could stop at one or two of course, but she can't.

lillamy

Hi & Welcome -- and you've gotten some really good advice here.

It sounds like you're taking on a lot of responsibility for your mother. And I think the fact that alcohol is an "accepted substance" and alcoholism a disease sometimes makes it confusing to figure out what is and what isn't our responsibility as families.

If she had another deadly disease and had decided she didn't want to get treatment, you would have to accept that as her decision. You may disagree with it, but it would be her decision to make. You would have the right to say "Mom, you can make whatever choices you want, but when you're in pain and screaming obscenities, you can't come to my house or be around my kid."

Just like she has the right to make choices in her life, you have the right to do the same in yours. And like FeelingGreat said -- being straightforward about it, and doing it as boundaries that you set is a good way. You're setting boundaries for what is acceptable to you -- you're not giving her ultimatums.

So you're not saying "You can't drink if you want to see your granddaughter." You can say "When you drink, I will not have you around my daughter." You can say "I will not have you babysit because you drink and that's not acceptable in a caregiver." (If you feel bad about saying that, imagine how you would feel if your daughter was in daycare and you came there to find the day care lady drunk and stumbling around!)

It sounds like you love your mom very much. That makes it harder to step away and say "I can't do anything about this." I would also recommend that you check out Al-Anon in your area. I learned an awful lot about how to live with a loved one's active alcoholism there.

maia1234

Whereromhere,
I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling with your mother. I am sure you have tried everything to get help for her. She is an alcoholic and is not ready to get help for her self. So its time for you to get help for you.

Many Many years ago my sister in-law told her father that you either stop drinking or you are not welcome in my children's lives. After many years of drinking my father-in-law decided that he was "ready" and went to AA. Everyone was shocked. He did it and got sober, and said it was the best thing he ever did. I am not saying to try this, I am just telling you my story.

Anyway, your mothers home and being around her is toxic as you stated above. So if you don't like the craziness anymore, remove yourself. Don't engage. She is an alcoholic and they drink and do crazy things. That's just what they do, so if you are expecting a normal life while she is drinking, its not ever going to happen. You need to drop your expectations and expect what you get as the norm.

You know how to stop engaging. Stop communication and enabling her to do this to you and your family. I think for you, your husband and your daughters sanity it might be best, but only you can say enough is enough. When you are ready, it will happen at the right time.

Be patient, Keep reading SR and go to some Alanon meetings. This will educate you and help you make the right decisions. Then make sure if you are ready, that you are strong enough and follow through with what you want to do.

Good luck!!

gottostop38

I dont know what to say, but two weeks ago I said "I can drink if I want so what" i was never going to stop, my wife said it was destroying our lives so a week later, i stopped. All you can do is hope and pray that one day soon she will have a brief moment where she can see the damage she is causing the two of you.

For the moment I would recommend self protection, ensure that you and your family are happy and contact her when you want for the amount of time you want.

i believe much like tobacco if alcohol were discovered today it would never go on sale.

Good luck for the future to all of you.

Sasha4

I'm coming back to comment soon xx

DoubleDragons

Do we have the same mom? My mom's alcohol problem is what brought me to SR and what made me decide to quit drinking all together, (I had a fear of turning into her.) so in that sense, my mother's alcoholism has been her biggest gift to me. I am sober for over a year now and I am very aware of my codependent tendencies and I am getting to be a less frustrated, less controlling person and getting much better at caring for myself. Notice, I have talked about myself only, because I am the only person I have any control over.

My mother is still an alcoholic and my father is a very heavy drinking enabler. It is such a painful situation, but I have learned that the Universe has us all in its hands, and who am I to say what is right for them? What lessons are meant for them and others? I have had to put up strong boundaries and I have had to enforce them. Once my daughter was performing in a school play that I had invited my parents to see. When my mom was obviously drunk that morning, I disinvited them. They blew up both of my phones, with a tirade of guilt trips, obscenities, accusations, in short, much like a two-year-old's temper tantrum, but I knew I had to stick to my guns. After listening to a couple of their vulgar messages, I deleted the rest of the voicemails. I have learned that taking abuse is a form of self abuse. Disinviting them was the best thing I ever did, because they then understood that I meant business, and they were completely sober and straight for my son's high school graduation.

As far as my kids are concerned, I have been extremely frank about my mother's problem with my kids. My father-in-law died of his alcoholism when he was 59, so my kids have this in their genes. I am hoping that witnessing the sad "decay/loss" of their beloved grandmother to the bottle, is setting an example of why they won't want to have alcohol as a big part of their lives. In my case, lecturing my kids about the dangers and pain caused by alcohol is emphasized by real life examples. Sad, but hopefully, poignant.

Take good care of yourself. Read books on alcoholism, boundaries and codependency. Come here to SR and check out Alanon. There you will learn that you didn't cause your mom's alcoholism, you can't cure it or control it. A big part of this is acceptance and letting go. It is hard but not impossible. Hugs!!!

wherefromhere

All I can say is thank you. I have spoken to friends for years about this and only ever got suggestions of talking to my mother and all the things I have already tried which obviously had not changed anything.
I honestly am thankful to all your replies. Its so great that there are people who understand what I am saying, and understand that when I say something doesn't work it really doesn't!
I understand now from reading all of these replies that I cannot force nor guilt her into giving up drinking, but that I need to put my immediate family first and set boundaries. I cannot have this destroying me emotionally. I am feeling much more positive towards tackling this.
Again, thank you all so much! I will certainly stick around on this site as it seems to be very helpful! I didn't realize that I could join a local AA group, I thought it was only for Alcoholics themselves but I will certainly look in to what is around locally.
Thank you all again! :-)

Eauchiche

I am so sorry for all you folks. I think about my own situation as bad, but sadly, everyone else here is dealing with something much worse.
Don't know what to tell you. Sounds like all of us are ready to jump off the world at times. Maybe we could start a new country somewhere where alcohol possession (or any other drug) is an automatic death sentence?

maia1234

WFH-
You cant join AA, but they have open AA meetings that you can attend. That is for family members. You get a whole new perspective on the battle of Alcoholics. You almost find compassion for them, their struggles. What hell they have caused. I love going to the meetings.

Keep the faith and keep coming back!!

Sasha4

I cannot bear the drunken phone calls I get from my mum.

I put up with them for years.

She didn't ruin it, but when my only daughter, my only child was born, she was drunk and made a nuisance of herself. There are many other occasions that are too numerous and hurtful to mention.

She involves my dad when she gets him to say no she has not been drinking when she's on the phone and with questioning it will eventually transpire she has had one small glass. More like a huge bucket from her slurring.

I would put up with it, tell her to go to bed, be nice to her, plead with her.

In the end I realised none of it worked.

The last time it happened I told them both in no uncertain terms I would not tolerate the drinking, the lies, the gas lighting (her making me look bad to my father for accusing her of drinking) or the abuse anymore.

I informed them the phone call would be terminated if she was drunk.

Now if the phone rings after 7pm, which it rarely does after my outburst to them, I don't answer the phone.

My home is drink free.
I don't rely on them for anything.
I have been admitted to hospital before and not rung to tell her as I know it will be a drunken outpouring all about her and the worry I cause. I'm 41 by the way!

I am also honest.
If she asks why I don't ring, share things, I'm honest.
I'm not nasty about it.

I see it as her choice as an adult to drink.
However its my choice as an adult not to tolerate the drinking, be around the drinking, witness the drinking and everything that goes with it.

You can't change her drinking until she gets it herself that drinking and her is a bad idea.
But you can change how it affects you and your family.

Honestly, go to al - anon.
You will be welcomed with open, loving arms.
Learn all you can from the wise people here and at al anon.

I really do wish you the best xx

ladyscribbler

You can go to open AA meetings, which I've heard some people find helpful, but Alanon is for friends and family of alcoholics. I grew up with an alcoholic father and Alanon meetings have helped me tremendously.

http://al-anon.alateen.org/?gclid=CJ...FcRAMgodHB0A3A

NWGRITS

I almost lost my children to CPS because my mother got trashed while she was babysitting them. Don't ever leave your kids alone with your mom. You have a right to a safe, drunk-free home, and your children deserve it. You aren't responsible for your mother. You aren't obligated to entertain her or her husband. I haven't spoken to or seen my own mother in over two years, since the CPS incident. Her alcoholism made my life a living hell as a child, but I won't let it damage my own kids. That's where I draw my line. Where do you draw yours?

wherefromhere

Thanks guys. I've been really thinking about how to set boundaries. You are so right nwgrits, my child deserves so much better than that. I just know that when I tell her she can no longer drink at my house its going to end in a fight. But it is something that needs to be done.

Cyranoak

Stop waiting. Start going to Alanon. At least six meetings before deciding if you will continue. That is how you will solve your problem-- and I believe it will work. It worked for me.

Cyranoak