Why Can't I Just Do What I have to do?
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: phoenix az
Posts: 2
Why Can't I Just Do What I have to do?
Hello, I am new here. Forgive me if I make mistakes in posting here. I often read posts and they are helpful. Now I need some advice and from those that have been there, done that.
I have divorced my AH in January 2014. There was a lot of drama. He moved out in February. I started dating a very nice man in March, who although not an alcoholic, is a child of an alcoholic like myself and went to Teen AA and was very supportive of me. EX was not happy with the divorce, and fought me every step of the way. I was not good about boundaries, didn't make him pay child support or alimony, let him come over every day when he wanted to see the kids. He was miserable and made sure I was too. I never told him I was dating anyone. Well, it all came out in July, due to some more drama, and XAH went ballistic!! Was very upset our kids had met him, etc. He began to bombard me with texts and calls, over 700 in one month. In August, EX claimed he was assaulted at his apartment, and said he could no longer stay there safely. I let him move back in "temporarily". That was the beginning of the end. He knew I had a BF and I told him I did not want to reconcile, we were strictly roommates. In late September I went out of town overnight and he kept my son. While gone, he logged on to my computer and saw some intimate messages I had sent my BF. I came home to a raging, raging ex husband. He was vomiting , crying, yelling, etc. And for some reason, I suppose to end the drama, because I am so, so tired of it, and to shut him up, I told him we could try again. I messaged my wonderful BF and told him I had to break up with him. Now I am "reconciled" with the ex, and he is so happy. And I am miserable. I hate him living here. I am sad and angry everyday when I go to work and when I come home. If I play nice, it is not so bad. I try to believe I could live like this the rest of my life. But I know I can't. I am just not happy with him. Yes, he has pretty much stopped drinking, but never went to AA. I did try AlAnon, and he didn't like that I went, so I stopped. I know if I tell him I am done and don't want to try anymore, he will cause more drama and say "But I am not drinking anymore". When I say drama I mean crying, shouting, throwing things, and vomiting. He does this in front of the kids and I hate to traumatize them. I am just so damn unhappy. I can't fake I love him the rest of my life. Why can't I just tell him, "I'm done, we're over, for real, now move out". He gives me sad stories about how he has nowhere to go, misses me and the kids, etc. I just feel he hasn't changed. For example, besides the alcoholism, he was, I feel, sexually abusive in that he often pressured me into doing things sexually that I hated. Afterwards, when we were divorced, he claimed to not know I didn't like doing those things. I had made it clear. Just two days ago, I looked on his phone and he had been googling that exact same sexual act. So what do I do? I know what I have to do..get him out, right? So why can't I do it?!? And no, I don't want to stop trying just because of my BF (ex BF now), I mean, he probably hates me now, and it can't be for him. It has to be with me. I want to be happy.
I have divorced my AH in January 2014. There was a lot of drama. He moved out in February. I started dating a very nice man in March, who although not an alcoholic, is a child of an alcoholic like myself and went to Teen AA and was very supportive of me. EX was not happy with the divorce, and fought me every step of the way. I was not good about boundaries, didn't make him pay child support or alimony, let him come over every day when he wanted to see the kids. He was miserable and made sure I was too. I never told him I was dating anyone. Well, it all came out in July, due to some more drama, and XAH went ballistic!! Was very upset our kids had met him, etc. He began to bombard me with texts and calls, over 700 in one month. In August, EX claimed he was assaulted at his apartment, and said he could no longer stay there safely. I let him move back in "temporarily". That was the beginning of the end. He knew I had a BF and I told him I did not want to reconcile, we were strictly roommates. In late September I went out of town overnight and he kept my son. While gone, he logged on to my computer and saw some intimate messages I had sent my BF. I came home to a raging, raging ex husband. He was vomiting , crying, yelling, etc. And for some reason, I suppose to end the drama, because I am so, so tired of it, and to shut him up, I told him we could try again. I messaged my wonderful BF and told him I had to break up with him. Now I am "reconciled" with the ex, and he is so happy. And I am miserable. I hate him living here. I am sad and angry everyday when I go to work and when I come home. If I play nice, it is not so bad. I try to believe I could live like this the rest of my life. But I know I can't. I am just not happy with him. Yes, he has pretty much stopped drinking, but never went to AA. I did try AlAnon, and he didn't like that I went, so I stopped. I know if I tell him I am done and don't want to try anymore, he will cause more drama and say "But I am not drinking anymore". When I say drama I mean crying, shouting, throwing things, and vomiting. He does this in front of the kids and I hate to traumatize them. I am just so damn unhappy. I can't fake I love him the rest of my life. Why can't I just tell him, "I'm done, we're over, for real, now move out". He gives me sad stories about how he has nowhere to go, misses me and the kids, etc. I just feel he hasn't changed. For example, besides the alcoholism, he was, I feel, sexually abusive in that he often pressured me into doing things sexually that I hated. Afterwards, when we were divorced, he claimed to not know I didn't like doing those things. I had made it clear. Just two days ago, I looked on his phone and he had been googling that exact same sexual act. So what do I do? I know what I have to do..get him out, right? So why can't I do it?!? And no, I don't want to stop trying just because of my BF (ex BF now), I mean, he probably hates me now, and it can't be for him. It has to be with me. I want to be happy.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
So you were happy divorced and had moved on with someone new and your A xH Worr you down bc in addition to being an A he also sounds abusive, and now you're miserable and back on the A Merry go round... Is that right?
I'm so sorry. My heart goes out to you. You got sucked back into your X's stuff and you were able to pull yourself out once and you have to do it again.
Think about how confused you're feeling and quadruple that. That must be how your kids are feeling. It's a bad dynmanic for all of you it sounds like
I hope you're able to put yourself and your kids first and remove him from your life again bc it sounds like a snowballing disaster for all of you
I'm so sorry. My heart goes out to you. You got sucked back into your X's stuff and you were able to pull yourself out once and you have to do it again.
Think about how confused you're feeling and quadruple that. That must be how your kids are feeling. It's a bad dynmanic for all of you it sounds like
I hope you're able to put yourself and your kids first and remove him from your life again bc it sounds like a snowballing disaster for all of you
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: NSW, Australia
Posts: 197
Wow. What a story! Thank you for sharing it.
I've been on these boards for many years, but have not been a regular here for some time. There will be lots of people who *are* regulars along pretty soon to share their experiences with you & give you the support you need, but in the mean time I felt the need to acknowledge your post
You're doing great to be able to see what the situation is at home, & to still be together enough to write about it clearly. This stuff that you are living is huge, & your husband sounds like he has a PhD in manipulation & bullying :/
For me, the key to getting out of the craziness was to identify what *I* had a PhD in. For me it is: avoiding conflict, avoiding having to face the consequences of having good boundaries, avoiding being alone, avoiding taking responsibility for my own life, & reaping the benefits of living life on the Crazy Train - which was that I could also avoid addressing my own deep seated cr@p - which sadly there is a lot of ... family of origin issues, fear of abandonment, attachment disorder issues, to name a few :/
Phew - that's pretty long winded What I'm trying to say is, that in my experience, we cling to people who have similar levels of damage - even though in the surface it may appear that the co-dependent is the healthier of the two. And reading about your husbands level of weirdness suggest to me you possibly have a fair bit of your own unaddressed / unresolved stuff going on as well.
Are you seeing a therapist, or attending any support groups in real life?
I wish you all the best & am glad you found this forum - which is a gold mine of really valuable information, experience & support.
I've been on these boards for many years, but have not been a regular here for some time. There will be lots of people who *are* regulars along pretty soon to share their experiences with you & give you the support you need, but in the mean time I felt the need to acknowledge your post
You're doing great to be able to see what the situation is at home, & to still be together enough to write about it clearly. This stuff that you are living is huge, & your husband sounds like he has a PhD in manipulation & bullying :/
For me, the key to getting out of the craziness was to identify what *I* had a PhD in. For me it is: avoiding conflict, avoiding having to face the consequences of having good boundaries, avoiding being alone, avoiding taking responsibility for my own life, & reaping the benefits of living life on the Crazy Train - which was that I could also avoid addressing my own deep seated cr@p - which sadly there is a lot of ... family of origin issues, fear of abandonment, attachment disorder issues, to name a few :/
Phew - that's pretty long winded
What I'm trying to say is, that in my experience, we cling to people who have similar levels of damage - even though in the surface it may appear that the co-dependent is the healthier of the two. And reading about your husbands level of weirdness suggest to me you possibly have a fair bit of your own unaddressed / unresolved stuff going on as well. Are you seeing a therapist, or attending any support groups in real life?
I wish you all the best & am glad you found this forum - which is a gold mine of really valuable information, experience & support.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi flylady - it sounds like your AH has learned that when he has a tantrum he gets his own way. You know that when you tell him it's over he will have a tantrum, and I bet you can even tick off the stages as he goes through them one by one.
OK you took him back, but at least now you know your own mind, and that the relationship is doomed. Plan how you will leave with the help of domestic violence counsellors and lawyers. You are in an abusive relationship; don't think it doesn't qualify just because he doesn't hit you. Draw on their support to shift him, and then stop him harassing you.
You may need legal help to get him out of the house. Do you have the text messages? Anything else that backs up your abuse accusations? Start planning, but do it quietly and carefully, and also when the kids are away on a visit.
Are you ready to take these small careful steps?
OK you took him back, but at least now you know your own mind, and that the relationship is doomed. Plan how you will leave with the help of domestic violence counsellors and lawyers. You are in an abusive relationship; don't think it doesn't qualify just because he doesn't hit you. Draw on their support to shift him, and then stop him harassing you.
You may need legal help to get him out of the house. Do you have the text messages? Anything else that backs up your abuse accusations? Start planning, but do it quietly and carefully, and also when the kids are away on a visit.
Are you ready to take these small careful steps?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: phoenix az
Posts: 2
Am I in an abusive relationship? I don't even know anymore. My whole perspective is warped. I have a protection order against in (yes, I am the idiot living with a man I have a protection order against) because in my lawyers office, in front of my lawyer, he said "A bullet is cheaper than a divorce." Plus the text / email harrassment. I was awarded the house in the divorce. I started a new job 2 months ago that offers counseling, I really need to go. I do. I have been procrastinating, but I have to call and see someone. I feel like I am going insane sometimes. Yes, yes, I got him out before and I can do it again. This weekend!! it's like ripping the band-aid off AGAIN, but I have to, right? Why do I need this validation, I know it is the right thing to do. Just so scared of the drama that awaits.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Flylady, yes you are in an abusive relationship.
- he deliberately pressured you into sex acts against your will, knowing you hated it (otherwise known as rape)
- the bullet remark
- bombarding you with text messages to intimidate you and wear you down
- going into your private correspondence (please make sure he can't do that again)
- throwing, yelling, storming around, intimidating, and doing it in front of the kids
I would just suggest you make sure the kids are out of the way and you have some support when you tell him to leave. If you get another order, stick to it rigidly and call the cops if he breaks it. He will try his old tricks to get back, and you need to be ready for that, with a plan in place.
- he deliberately pressured you into sex acts against your will, knowing you hated it (otherwise known as rape)
- the bullet remark
- bombarding you with text messages to intimidate you and wear you down
- going into your private correspondence (please make sure he can't do that again)
- throwing, yelling, storming around, intimidating, and doing it in front of the kids
I would just suggest you make sure the kids are out of the way and you have some support when you tell him to leave. If you get another order, stick to it rigidly and call the cops if he breaks it. He will try his old tricks to get back, and you need to be ready for that, with a plan in place.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: NSW, Australia
Posts: 197
Originally Posted by flyladybugfly 
Am I in an abusive relationship? I don't even know anymore. My whole perspective is warped. I have a protection order against in (yes, I am the idiot living with a man I have a protection order against) because in my lawyers office, in front of my lawyer, he said "A bullet is cheaper than a divorce." Plus the text / email harrassment. I was awarded the house in the divorce. I started a new job 2 months ago that offers counseling, I really need to go. I do. I have been procrastinating, but I have to call and see someone. I feel like I am going insane sometimes. Yes, yes, I got him out before and I can do it again. This weekend!! it's like ripping the band-aid off AGAIN, but I have to, right? Why do I need this validation, I know it is the right thing to do. Just so scared of the drama that awaits.
I know sometimes people who post here come back & say "Oh - but I only told you how bad he was, but it was partly my fault too. " But it's not like that. If you're thinking anything like that (I'm not saying you are - just if) then please know that at the point you're at it doesn't matter who has done what to who & when, the couple simply need to be no contact & the kids especially need to be out of that situation before things can even begin to settle, let alone heal.
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