how much do you have to just let happen?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: out west
Posts: 1
how much do you have to just let happen?
Hi. I've been visiting this list for a while and just joined. It's been helpful to read the posts and to feel a bit less alone in this. (I've attended one Al-Anon meeting but am having trouble finding the right place to be for me right now as well as trouble getting to meetings.) My life partner is an alcoholic who stopped for a number of years after she ended up in rehab when we first got together. The situation is complicated by the fact that she is also generally depressed, often suicidal or self-damaging, and sometimes it seems as if the alcoholism is the least of her (our) worries. There’s so much stuff for her to try to keep handling. The 5-6 sober years were often very very hard. She isn’t open to therapies and tends to deal with her stuff by retreating and working through it in isolation. So I’m not always sure just how she does get through the hard times. We’ve learned to accommodate each other’s different coping modes and there is enough (sometimes sporadic) communication and a deep enough commitment to make this relationship work though it is not always smooth. Gradually a couple of years ago we started doing a little social drinking together and things seemed to go better for both of us. It certainly took the edge off her misery and made it possible for us to be closer. It felt good and easy and not scary and I really wanted to think it could stay there but of course it couldn’t. This past winter (if not before—I’m not sure because I was pretty much in denial for a while) a line got crossed and now she’s drinking a lot, in private, buying hard liquor, hiding bottles, and it is influencing her behavior and our relationship. She’s gone from being sober and shut off, to drinking a little and being more human and available, to drinking too much and being once again not there. So I’m trying to figure out how to do this one since at this point she isn’t ready, willing, able to stop. And I have to admit to being ambivalent about that, too, since I know that when she stops the difficulties just shift to other areas. We’ve had a few talks and she knows I’m hurting and mostly that I’m terribly concerned for her. And I know she cares but she’s not making any movement towards AA or anything (she insists it didn’t help the first time and I don’t know whether it did or didn’t—she did break the addiction cycle for a while but she was certainly not happy and healthy sober…). We continue to have a beer or a glass of wine together with dinner and then she supplements in secret with whatever hard liquor she has stashed. I’m mostly not confronting, trying not to even monitor. I hate it when she's drunk even though the effects are mostly very subtle and more embarrassing than scary. I’m doing my best to keep my focus on me and what I need to do to be ok.
But I’m haunted by a couple of questions about what it means to step back and let the A suffer the consequences of his/her own behavior. Some of those consequences can go beyond the personal (losing a job, going bankrupt, ruining health, screwing up a relationship) and can affect not just families and partners but other people, strangers, as well. I understand that she may need to confront the embarrassment and loss and pain of what her drinking may lead to but I’m not sure I’m capable of letting that destroy her or of letting her do something that will incidentally harm somebody else. I am terrified that she will drive when impaired and actually kill somebody. I am also terrified that in her job in which other people put their health and safety into her hands she will do some irrevocable harm. I don’t think she could recover from that. I don’t know whether I could either. So of course my desire is to protect (and forestall) and my anxiety and guilt are surrounding questions of what my responsibility might be. I know she’s drinking (and for the most part functioning exceptionally well as she does it thought I’ve seen her drive when she shouldn’t have been) but other people probably have no idea about this. What is my responsibility here? Can I and should I just stand aside and wait to see how bad things might get?
But I’m haunted by a couple of questions about what it means to step back and let the A suffer the consequences of his/her own behavior. Some of those consequences can go beyond the personal (losing a job, going bankrupt, ruining health, screwing up a relationship) and can affect not just families and partners but other people, strangers, as well. I understand that she may need to confront the embarrassment and loss and pain of what her drinking may lead to but I’m not sure I’m capable of letting that destroy her or of letting her do something that will incidentally harm somebody else. I am terrified that she will drive when impaired and actually kill somebody. I am also terrified that in her job in which other people put their health and safety into her hands she will do some irrevocable harm. I don’t think she could recover from that. I don’t know whether I could either. So of course my desire is to protect (and forestall) and my anxiety and guilt are surrounding questions of what my responsibility might be. I know she’s drinking (and for the most part functioning exceptionally well as she does it thought I’ve seen her drive when she shouldn’t have been) but other people probably have no idea about this. What is my responsibility here? Can I and should I just stand aside and wait to see how bad things might get?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Star's Hollow
Posts: 615
Welcome Heron
The question is "Can you just stand aside and wait to see how bad things might get?"
The answer is that you don't have any choice if you want to continue the relationship.
Trying to control her actions will do nothing to change the way she acts. It will only cause you pain and make your life uncontrollable as well.
I like to believe that, by finding my own recovery, I can present an example to my husband that is positive. If I allow myself to be just as sick as him, what kind of example is that?
I'm glad you're here with us. Keep posting and going to Alanon - it will help.
L
The question is "Can you just stand aside and wait to see how bad things might get?"
The answer is that you don't have any choice if you want to continue the relationship.
Trying to control her actions will do nothing to change the way she acts. It will only cause you pain and make your life uncontrollable as well.
I like to believe that, by finding my own recovery, I can present an example to my husband that is positive. If I allow myself to be just as sick as him, what kind of example is that?
I'm glad you're here with us. Keep posting and going to Alanon - it will help.
L
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
How much can you handle?
For me...
I take keys
I let my displeasure be known (soft firm ways) but don't need to repeat daily such displeasure. Once was enough so the A knows my feelings on the matter.
I am passive agressive, so I fight back with silence. That trait seems to fit the situation at times for me.
I pick my battles but strive for no battles at all.
My feelings are known, my boundaries are known... beyond that it is up to them to seek change. I take care of me. I can't force change on them.
For me...
I take keys
I let my displeasure be known (soft firm ways) but don't need to repeat daily such displeasure. Once was enough so the A knows my feelings on the matter.
I am passive agressive, so I fight back with silence. That trait seems to fit the situation at times for me.
I pick my battles but strive for no battles at all.
My feelings are known, my boundaries are known... beyond that it is up to them to seek change. I take care of me. I can't force change on them.
Finding Strength
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Boston , MA
Posts: 91
I DO hear what you are saying. I wanted to fight to the end for/with my A. I loved him that much. BUT in the meantime I was seriously ignoring my needs as was he.
Eventually, I couldnt do it anymore. I was exhausted all the time. Plus...... his addiction got worse day by day (despite what he said). He is/was the only one who could/can control his life and I am the only one that can control mine. Letting go is sooooooooooooooo hard.
Big hugs
Michelle
Eventually, I couldnt do it anymore. I was exhausted all the time. Plus...... his addiction got worse day by day (despite what he said). He is/was the only one who could/can control his life and I am the only one that can control mine. Letting go is sooooooooooooooo hard.
Big hugs
Michelle
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Heron...first welcome to SR. You have been reading and we are all happy you have joined in. You have a lot to say and it is all very thoughtful. "Making" her sober...even if you could... presents a whole new set of problems. "Not making waves" but being deeply unhappy and worried about her. And ultimately "what is your responsibility"?
I have had to decide what I could and could not live with and my boundaries begin there. In the end I have to be able to live with myself. If someone is harmed at her job because of her drinking and you could have done something to prevent it...how would you feel? If someone is harmed because she was driving drunk and you could have prevented it...how would you feel? This is not to say you can fix it, but there are moments when we have a choice presented to us...what would you choose? And there are moments when the choice is out of our hands. Those are the moments we simply have to accept.
You have obviously given this a lot of thought...we are here...make yourself at home.
JT
I have had to decide what I could and could not live with and my boundaries begin there. In the end I have to be able to live with myself. If someone is harmed at her job because of her drinking and you could have done something to prevent it...how would you feel? If someone is harmed because she was driving drunk and you could have prevented it...how would you feel? This is not to say you can fix it, but there are moments when we have a choice presented to us...what would you choose? And there are moments when the choice is out of our hands. Those are the moments we simply have to accept.
You have obviously given this a lot of thought...we are here...make yourself at home.
JT
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
Hi Heron,
This may be a long response because your post touches very close to home with me. My story is very similar. My husband was sober for years. I didn't go through a lot of the drinking and using, so I really didn't understand what alcoholism and addiction really was. I thought I knew, but I didn't. My husband had the same MO. He handled things like a wrestling match, full of stress and isolation. I thought that he was causing the problems in our relationship, and if he would just relax, things would be better. Well he relaxed alright. We started relaxing with chemicals. At first it was great. It seemed like we were enjoying life. But, like you, I saw there was a line crossed, and things got way worse. In the end, he OD'd and just about died. It hit me that I had got my way, had seen things play out the way I wanted them too, and that it was still a dead end. I didn't have any answers. I had been around Al-Anon for years, while my husband had gone to AA. I had never attended, thinking that I didn't need help. At the point that I realized that he was going to die because of "my way" I decided that maybe that wasn't the answer. I needed help. I knew it the way I had never known anything in my life. I didn't know if he would pull out of the tailspin he was in, but I couldn't keep going down that path. I started going to Al-Anon. I listened to what they were saying. I started working the steps like they were a life preserver. My view of things started changing. I realized that the way others behaved wasn't my problem. It was the way I reacted to it. All my life I based all my self worth and self esteem on what others thought of me, how they acted. I had never realized that I was responsible for my own happiness, my own decisions about my life, and my own well being. I started taking care of me. I saw how my reactions to others had caused them to react to me. My desperate need for approval had pushed my husband away instead of making us closer. I realized that the way he dealt with life was ok for him, and that I could accept him and love him for who he was and not who I demanded him to be. Luckily, he was able to pull out of his tailspin, and started going to AA again. He is back to being the stressed out, beat his head against the wall, wrestles life like an opponent, sober guy that I married. I, on the other hand, am very different. I practice a 12 step program. I don't focus on him and what he is doing. When he is in wrestle mode, which this last couple of weeks he has been, I focus even more on improving me. I allow him his time to do his thing. He barks at me. He is silent and withdrawn. I call my Al-Anon friends, read my literature, do things for myself that make me feel good. He will get through this time, and when he does, I won't be all bent out of shape and angry. I won't have nagged him because he is going through this process. There won't be an uncomfortable silent weird distance between us. My serenity will be intact. Because today I have the tools to be responsible for my serenity. Al-Anon has worked for me.
I know where you are Heron. I've been there. I had to let go of what I thought would work, and find something that really worked. It has worked for thousands of people for 50 years. That is my experience. I hope that it can be yours. It's in you to fix you. There is a lot of help and support out there and in here. There are tools to help us find healing, wholeness, and happiness. It's up to us to reach out and accept the help that is offered. I wish for you healing, wholeness, and happiness. Hugs, Magic
This may be a long response because your post touches very close to home with me. My story is very similar. My husband was sober for years. I didn't go through a lot of the drinking and using, so I really didn't understand what alcoholism and addiction really was. I thought I knew, but I didn't. My husband had the same MO. He handled things like a wrestling match, full of stress and isolation. I thought that he was causing the problems in our relationship, and if he would just relax, things would be better. Well he relaxed alright. We started relaxing with chemicals. At first it was great. It seemed like we were enjoying life. But, like you, I saw there was a line crossed, and things got way worse. In the end, he OD'd and just about died. It hit me that I had got my way, had seen things play out the way I wanted them too, and that it was still a dead end. I didn't have any answers. I had been around Al-Anon for years, while my husband had gone to AA. I had never attended, thinking that I didn't need help. At the point that I realized that he was going to die because of "my way" I decided that maybe that wasn't the answer. I needed help. I knew it the way I had never known anything in my life. I didn't know if he would pull out of the tailspin he was in, but I couldn't keep going down that path. I started going to Al-Anon. I listened to what they were saying. I started working the steps like they were a life preserver. My view of things started changing. I realized that the way others behaved wasn't my problem. It was the way I reacted to it. All my life I based all my self worth and self esteem on what others thought of me, how they acted. I had never realized that I was responsible for my own happiness, my own decisions about my life, and my own well being. I started taking care of me. I saw how my reactions to others had caused them to react to me. My desperate need for approval had pushed my husband away instead of making us closer. I realized that the way he dealt with life was ok for him, and that I could accept him and love him for who he was and not who I demanded him to be. Luckily, he was able to pull out of his tailspin, and started going to AA again. He is back to being the stressed out, beat his head against the wall, wrestles life like an opponent, sober guy that I married. I, on the other hand, am very different. I practice a 12 step program. I don't focus on him and what he is doing. When he is in wrestle mode, which this last couple of weeks he has been, I focus even more on improving me. I allow him his time to do his thing. He barks at me. He is silent and withdrawn. I call my Al-Anon friends, read my literature, do things for myself that make me feel good. He will get through this time, and when he does, I won't be all bent out of shape and angry. I won't have nagged him because he is going through this process. There won't be an uncomfortable silent weird distance between us. My serenity will be intact. Because today I have the tools to be responsible for my serenity. Al-Anon has worked for me.
I know where you are Heron. I've been there. I had to let go of what I thought would work, and find something that really worked. It has worked for thousands of people for 50 years. That is my experience. I hope that it can be yours. It's in you to fix you. There is a lot of help and support out there and in here. There are tools to help us find healing, wholeness, and happiness. It's up to us to reach out and accept the help that is offered. I wish for you healing, wholeness, and happiness. Hugs, Magic
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Fremont, CA
Posts: 4
Welcome Heron,
It's a struggle. It took me a few years in the rooms of Alanon before I realized the program was about fixing what I could fix (me), and letting go of everything else.
A couple years ago, my wife got real bad again on meth, and OD'd a couple times in a few week span. I detached and let her deal with her consequences and find a way out of her jam, because I knew I couldn't fix her. She spent 6 months in a sober living environment 90 miles away from me and our sons.
Last month I decided to seek a divorce, and finally got around to filing today. My boundary of not wanting to go through early recovery again was crossed after she started abusing prescriptions again. Fundamentally, the using was the excuse, but I'd been doing a lot of soul-searching on whether the relationship was what I needed, and was what our boys needed. I ran through things with my sponsor, and ended up writing a letter to my wife to tell her I was done, and how after six years in alanon, I still had all these issues where I was meddling and interfering with her life. She had to know that I wasn't blaming her for the failure of our marriage, I was taking responsibility for my role in it as well.
Approaching things through applying the principles has allowed us to be very civil, if not friendly through this early stage of the process.
In general, I think some of us learn our program fast enough to get out of the way and let our qualifiers travel the course they have to travel. I wasn't one of them, but I'm very comfortable in the place I am right now. Our kids need at least one healthy, happy parent, and through this divorce they'll get that, if not two healthy parents.
Keep coming back, it works.
Joe
It's a struggle. It took me a few years in the rooms of Alanon before I realized the program was about fixing what I could fix (me), and letting go of everything else.
A couple years ago, my wife got real bad again on meth, and OD'd a couple times in a few week span. I detached and let her deal with her consequences and find a way out of her jam, because I knew I couldn't fix her. She spent 6 months in a sober living environment 90 miles away from me and our sons.
Last month I decided to seek a divorce, and finally got around to filing today. My boundary of not wanting to go through early recovery again was crossed after she started abusing prescriptions again. Fundamentally, the using was the excuse, but I'd been doing a lot of soul-searching on whether the relationship was what I needed, and was what our boys needed. I ran through things with my sponsor, and ended up writing a letter to my wife to tell her I was done, and how after six years in alanon, I still had all these issues where I was meddling and interfering with her life. She had to know that I wasn't blaming her for the failure of our marriage, I was taking responsibility for my role in it as well.
Approaching things through applying the principles has allowed us to be very civil, if not friendly through this early stage of the process.
In general, I think some of us learn our program fast enough to get out of the way and let our qualifiers travel the course they have to travel. I wasn't one of them, but I'm very comfortable in the place I am right now. Our kids need at least one healthy, happy parent, and through this divorce they'll get that, if not two healthy parents.
Keep coming back, it works.
Joe
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